3 weeks from due date and DH refuses to help - everything must be 'equal'

[pleaseguveadvicenotattack]

I'm heavily pregnant and exhausted. Our bins were overflowing and needed to be taken out for collection (they only collect fortnightly). I asked my husband FIVE times over 48 hours to take them out, explaining that if we miss collection, we'll have nowhere for food waste for two weeks.

He kept saying "in a bit" but never did it, so we missed collection. When I finally confronted him, his response was "the bin is on wheels, you could have managed it yourself!!"

I'm furious. This is only the SECOND time I've asked him to deal with the bins during my entire 9-month pregnancy. He actually told me after 8 months that he'd help with the bins, and still refuses to do it. Who watches their heavily pregnant wife struggle like this?

I've asked barely anything of him this whole time - I still cook, clean, and maintain the same standards as before pregnancy. He makes me cook every other night without exception - which to some degree is fine, but even on days when I'm clearly exhausted, he never offers to take over.

He does pull his weight around the house generally and probably does more than me, but today made a flippant comment that "he does everything." Meanwhile, he's been on holiday to last week with friends, is going away again next week, and living his normal life while I'm struggling at 36 weeks. Is it fair to only ask for support if doing something is impossible? Or is it reasonable to just ask for support occasionally?! Please let me know what happens in other relationships on this.

I ended up calling the collection service myself and taking the bins out (wasn't as heavy as it looked, but that's not the point or is it and is he right?).

I don't know what to do. Am I being unreasonable here? Is he? Are we both?

He sounds self centered and inconsiderste. I would have left the bins for him.

I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well.

I couldn’t live in an equality over equity state. What is equal and what is fair are not the same. Leaving that aside, I’d be sad if I were pregnant with dhs child and he didn’t at least show a little extra care for me. Don’t you feel let down op that he’s not stepped up to care for you? I mean, I may be old fashioned but I expect strangers to show a tiny bit of compassion to pregnant women- it is my opinion (and what I do!) that you should give up your seat on the tube for a heavily pregnant stranger. Your husband?! He should give up his seat, he should rub your feet, he should take the bins out and chastise you for being on your feet too much when he can do that for you!, he should drive to asda at 3 am to get you watercress and tums (or insert any other act of devotion and appreciation here)

Small gestures and acts of kindness in a relationship are what makes it a relationship. Equality, when it is set above care , compassion , fairness and kindness- that’s housemates who have sex imo.

Bc this is extreme and if you don’t see that then god help you. This is not a nice person and for some reason you fell in love him. The problem is that you’re not seeing the whole picture. You should be his number one priority and I’m sorry you don’t feel yourself worthy but you are and specifically your child. Once you have a child neither one of you comes first. Your child is your number one priority. Fuck your man’s ego. It’s not about him anymore.

It’s the fact that he just doesn’t do it.

So, what exactly is he for? Like what do you need him for? What does he add to your life?

I wouldn't bother having someone like that in my life. A waste of my precious time.

If he can’t love and nurture you now, he never will. Why are you putting up with this? Why on earth were you ‘happy’ for him to book 2 holidays in the last month of your pregnancy? Good, decent men don’t behave like this.

I get that 8 months pregnant is a crap time to come to the realisation that your DH is a dud, and you are understandably in some degree of denial. But I’m afraid things are only going to get worse once baby is here.

Then why did you post this. If you post things like this say I’m being overly sensitive or something but this doesn’t come off that way. It makes it sound like he’s not great person. Now it’s up to you to make him sound great to us. I don’t wish you ill will but you did make him sound pretty bad

We don’t know him

Apart from the bins issue, WTF is he doing going away this close to due date, not once but twice?!?

He is a lot older than you isnt he?

I don't know the answer, but the next time he makes a flippant comment that he does everything, you should say, "That's okay, honey, when you're pregnant, I'll take over for you."

He's crap and you know it. LTB.

Sorry to say but you have chosen a dud for husband.

Good luck when the baby arrives. You will need it.

The having to have everything equal would worry me, because it is difficult to do that when you have children. I can see that would cause conflict. The fact is though that he is not considering you, even by having two holidays just before your baby is due. What’s the plan if you have the baby just before the holiday or while he’s away?

YANBU about tye bins. He sounds like a deadshit and I can’t imagine it will get better when the baby arrives so maybe put a plan in place.

He makes me cook every other night without exception - which to some degree is fine, but even on days when I'm clearly exhausted, he never offers to take over
This, however, is on you. No one is ‘making’ you cook surely. In this situation, just make a quick, easy sandwich for yourself. If he asks about his food, just shrug and say it’s up to him what he gets himself. Doing it and martyring yourself does no one any favours.

Oh OP I wish there was something I could do to help you get you away from this vile man. Leaving is easier said than done but I really think you should. 🌹x

OP - you're not listening to the constructive advice.

Show your midwife this thread. Walk to your midwife about how your husband is.

He is not behaving like a good and supportive husband, he is not seeing how hard it is to grow a literal person inside your body.

Also, you're passed 36 weeks now? That means if anything happens and you need to go to hospital, you are having a baby. Trying to do strenuous activities when heavily pregnant, often causes your waters to break/ you to go into labour. But you say he is off on a boys holiday with friends soon? So he is happy missing the birth of his child.

He is o ky taking 2 weeks off when the baby is born. He expects to be able to get a full night's sleep after that...

That's not reasonable. If he is not going to change, and be an equal partner -- because he is not behaving equally AT ALL. Then you will be better off alone.

What made you think he’d be a good bet to have a child with?

I think it would be impracticable for him to stay.

Is he really thick. Or is it because he couldn’t give a shit about you that he is reminding you of all he is doing and how you need to do your share

Are you really thinking you will be able to carry on doing your half of the work after 2 weeks.
Have you discussed what would happen if you have an EMCS and are not able to carry anything other than baby for months

Even without a EMCS you won’t recover in 2 weeks.
Dd was the first in my NCT group to sleep through the night at 9 weeks old. By that point I couldn’t walk straight because Iwas so tired that the world felt like it was tilting and I wasn’t expected to do anything apart from care for dd

If he insists on only 2 weeks off after the birth then I can almost guarantee he wants to see you, your baby or both of you dead or at the very least in hospital.

Your body has done something incredible and grown an entire human inside you and then it has come out
Now where is his share of this work.

He insists on equal shares but only when it comes to finances or work.

When it comes to anything nice, like going on holiday. He does what he wants

Tine for you to go on holiday before he can go again other wise it isn’t fair.

Just leave and get him to pay CM
OR better still if you are not married, don’t put him on the BC. Better for your child to have very little or no contact. He will only stuff them up

I hope you are spared but both my births after 2 weeks I was nowhere near capable of household duties. You really from now and for some time after birth shouldn't be doing much at all. And of course you aren't unreasonable about the bins, but you've got bigger problems. 💐sounds like a hard time, good luck with the rest of your pregnancy

I've been on here for over ten years, have read your story a thousand times and more. I also have real world experience of my own. There's loads I can tell you but everybody else already tried and failed to get through to you so I'm not going to bother. I will only say this, you don't want to hear it OP. You just want to moan but will not see the truth of him nor help yourself, so what's the point.

You asked others to give an opinion, for them to support you, but you berated them for doing so.

Where it comes to rotten men, I feel for my fellow women, I really do, but some aren't worth the sympathy they seek.

It you find that harsh, tough.
Good luck. You are definitely going to need it.

No, it obviously wasn’t just that. There was lots of context around it and it was very deliberate because he felt I had unfairly taken a holiday.

I would never put the bins out. That is not a females job and your husband needs to man up!

That’s not equality—that’s selfishness disguised as fairness. A partnership isn’t about rigidly sticking to a chore chart when one person’s circumstances drastically change. Equity would mean recognising that pregnancy, especially at eight months, is physically demanding, and stepping up to balance the load. His attitude is transactional, not supportive or loving.

you are often using two hands when helping a baby to latch. Couldn’t you think that out yourself?