3 weeks from due date and DH refuses to help - everything must be 'equal'

[pleaseguveadvicenotattack]

I'm heavily pregnant and exhausted. Our bins were overflowing and needed to be taken out for collection (they only collect fortnightly). I asked my husband FIVE times over 48 hours to take them out, explaining that if we miss collection, we'll have nowhere for food waste for two weeks.

He kept saying "in a bit" but never did it, so we missed collection. When I finally confronted him, his response was "the bin is on wheels, you could have managed it yourself!!"

I'm furious. This is only the SECOND time I've asked him to deal with the bins during my entire 9-month pregnancy. He actually told me after 8 months that he'd help with the bins, and still refuses to do it. Who watches their heavily pregnant wife struggle like this?

I've asked barely anything of him this whole time - I still cook, clean, and maintain the same standards as before pregnancy. He makes me cook every other night without exception - which to some degree is fine, but even on days when I'm clearly exhausted, he never offers to take over.

He does pull his weight around the house generally and probably does more than me, but today made a flippant comment that "he does everything." Meanwhile, he's been on holiday to last week with friends, is going away again next week, and living his normal life while I'm struggling at 36 weeks. Is it fair to only ask for support if doing something is impossible? Or is it reasonable to just ask for support occasionally?! Please let me know what happens in other relationships on this.

I ended up calling the collection service myself and taking the bins out (wasn't as heavy as it looked, but that's not the point or is it and is he right?).

I don't know what to do. Am I being unreasonable here? Is he? Are we both?

don't blame her, how was she supposed to know he would be like this when she is pregnant?.

@pleaseguveadvicenotattack I'm so sorry you are going through this?. He is supposed to be taking care of you. Please sort out bullet proof birth control. Never have any more kids with him NO MATTER what he says or promises! Leopards cannot change their spots

I agree, I hate how they jump to calling names on here, simply mot helpful at all. Life is nuanced

OP if your main purpose is to ask advice as to whether or not he is being unreasonable - the answer is a resounding YES. There is no way that any household tasks should be 'equal' in your situation, especially at 36 weeks. There is equality, and there is "equity". Understanding the difference is crucial especially as you are about to have a baby together. Good luck. Please know that this is not normal despite how much money he earns and how much other work he does around the house.

Here bins are a 'blue' job I.e. my dh always does them. So no yanbu.

Next time say right if you want us to be equal bend over whilst I shove a melon up your arse and strap a tens machine to your stomach 😉

Bins were a blue job in my house too, insisted upon by my exH. He forgot about half the time so I ended up doing it a lot anyway. Useless.

We are giving constructive and considered advice.

Leave him

You just don’t want to hear it.

Good luck.

Reporting.

What are you reporting?

it isnt equal as you are the one who pregnant. All these agreements about after the baby benefit him alone. You will be exhausted. He will be angry at you because you have already agreed he doesnt lift a finger after two weeks.

His behaviour is uncaring and thoughtless and it sounds deliberate to me. Not sure why you’re defending him. The only advice is to leave really as men like this don’t change. My advice would be to read ‘why does he do that?’ by Lundy Bancroft.

He's a cunt, and worse he will get. If you've got a family to go to, go. Because having a newborn with such a selfish prick is going to be soul destroying. He'll be whinging and whining that it's your turn/not fair because he's been to work blah blah.

He won't give a shit about the physical impact of childbirth and recovery. Maybe a short sharp shock will knock some sense into him. Maybe it won't, but at least you'll be supported.

@pleaseguveadvicenotattack

Wow. If he's this much of a selfish, lazy prick when you're pregnant, I dreadful to think what he'll be like when you're equally as exhausted but also trying to care for a tiny dependent baby!

He's going on holiday towards this final stage of your pregnancy? Speaks to you like shit? Happy to watch his heavily pregnant wife struggle with something physical which is actually potentially quite dangerous for her? Has agreed, like it's some sort of huge sacrifice, to cook for 2wks post birth? Big deal. Ugh. What a twat.

If you continue to accept his behaviour, you need to prepare for a crap time of it, going forward. Having a baby is bloody hard work & it doesn't stop with the birth.

So you have agreed that he will never need to get up with the baby? You both think that it's fine for you to have no sleep and for him to have a full night's sleep every night? He's brainwashed you!

As he is not going to do any care for his own baby, you might as well leave him now. He isn't interested in his own child. He didn't attend scans or any hospital appointments. There must be something wrong with him as this behaviour is bizarre and completely awful. He sounds utterly dispicable.

What would you do if you are the only person available to do it? As is the case for many of us

That's the truth of it, he's really vile. Most people would be so embarrassed for people to see their heavily pregnant wife struggling with wheeling out bloody bins. It's such a basic thing to take out bins (without being asked btw) & to do anything that requires manual effort, so a heavily pregnant person doesn't have to do it!!

I'm troubled by the 'everything has to be equal' comment - you're about to give birth FFS. He's going to put big demands on you the whole time when your baby arrives, he'll minimise the hard, hard work of night feeds, looking after a baby alone 24/7 and what, he'll still expect 'it to be equal' with high quality dinners made for him on tbr table every evening and a house kept to standard?!

Don't have any more kids with this man. His behaviour is disgusting already. He requires you to cook dinner every night? You keep the house to the same standard despite pregnancy, every night? What is this, 1950?!

I'd leave him personally, as soon as it's practical, because he sounds revolting.

If a heavily pregnant neighbour asked me to take their bins out for a few weeks I would do it without a second’s hesitation. Because I’m not a nasty person.

This man doesn’t love you.

A new baby is hard on even rock solid, kind couples, let alone ones where one partner is unkind and spiteful.

I hope you have a support system in place and that when you feel strong enough you can end this relationship.

It’s an unhealthy one for a child to grow up around. They’ll learn that it’s normal in relationships for one partner to be controlling and unkind and for the other partner to tolerate it at the expense of their own happiness.

And it will break your heart watching them relive that dynamic themselves in their own relationships as an adult.

@pleaseguveadvicenotattack @JollyGreenSleeves Well this is addressed to you both: Jolly: the reason Please is defending him is because reality is painful especially now. Who on God’s earth wants to realise how monumentally cruel, thoughtless and uncaring the father of one’s child appears to be by these awful words and actions??

Having a baby and planning a family should be a joyous experience and an exciting time! It is clearly not for this woman! She is upset and coping as best she can.

Please: the reason there is so much vitriol is because these women are angry. Angry with your plight and especially angry with the way you are being treated.

it is good you have come here and posted courageously explaining your situation and asking for help. Support is available. Have a look at this resources available on Mumsnet for domestic violence (yes it’s harsh but you are experiencing abuse in the way you’re being treated and reading learning and talking about what’s happening to you will help you get to where you need to be.

Your discomfort is palpable but in your heart you are sensing what you need to do for you and the baby

Have a look at The Freedom Program it’s something that can help you too.

Best of luck.

Another OP who defends the indefensible when posters give their reactions.

And despite my use of “curse” words (I really do think he’s a cunt) my advice was to leave and go somewhere where you’ll get some actual support. This man is a failure.

The bins might be the tipping point for you to finally get angry @pleaseguveadvicenotattack, but they're also the tip of the iceberg for your marriage from what you're saying, and that's what PP are trying to convey, some more forcibly than others. Your DH is treating you no better than a skivvy and a mere vessel for carrying his child. Do you honestly see him getting any better when the baby is born?

You mentioned that he's been to two scans but no other hospital appts. Is there a reason you're having more hospital appts than just the standard?

I’ve only read the OP posts but as far as I can see the first post nails it. When he grows an entire human inside his body, pushes it out through his pelvis and pelvic floor core muscles (or has his torso cut open through all the abdominal muscles for it to be removed), and then makes a perfectly tailored milk with his body to feed the small human from his body, whilst recovering from that birth, he can talk about an equal division of domestic labour.
@pleaseguveadvicenotattack would some visual like this help him to see the point? (Trying not to assume he is merely an arse.)

https://interactioninstitute.org/illustrating-equality-vs-equity/

You haven’t commented on what a lot of people here have pointed out - that it can never be equal because he’s not growing a human in his body!
Do you ever point this out to him?
and no, you’re definitely not being unreasonable asking him to do specific jobs that need doing before a deadline!

Even if we leave it aside that your dear husband does not seem to be very lovind and caring - doing everything 50-50 while one person is heavily pregnant is not equal.
Having only one parent responsible for taking care of ALL night wakings - and we may be talking about years here - is not equal.
Doing everything 50-50 when you haven't slept for ages and spend hours breastfeeding is not equal.

Some of us here simply want to say that you're not getting a good deal here.

I'm sorry OP, it's not much fun being in a relationship like this. Family life is about caring for each other, give and take, shared humour, finding the funny moments in the drudgery. If you're with someone who doesn't care about you and doesn't support you, I'm afraid a lot of it is going to seem like one long slog.

A child will change the dynamic because children make it much harder to ignore previous inequalities or inflexibilities in relationships. They increase your workload and they cost money. So they drive a coach and horse through the status quo. If one parent is determined to keep living their pre-baby life, while the other is taking the complete hit, then you are both going to end up poles apart.

Personally, I'd plan to leave. You don't need to leave now, you can take your time and decide when is best for you. But you only get one life - is this who you want to spend it with?

And this isn't 50/50 anyway. It makes a mockery of so-called "equality".