I called the police on my daughter in law and it's gone wrong

[feellikechickentonight]

The other week I was walking my dog and I ended up walking past my son and daughter in law's house, as I walked past i could hear her going ballistic at what I presumed to be him. The house isnt too far back from the path and the bathroom window was open, hence being able to hear everything.

I listened for a minute or so and she was absolutely relentless, calling him awful names, for context he is physically disabled and some of those insults were related to his disability, I couldn't hear him responding in kind, just pleading with her to calm down and fearing for his safety i called the police and they said they'd check that everything was okay but couldn't give a time.

I went home as I had an appointment, i was also very angry at what I'd heard and was worried if I confronted them that it'd make the situation worse. A few hours later I got a phone call from my son asking me if I'd called the police, when I said yes he then got very terse and said what the hell was I doing, that they were having a very heated discussion about something, he confirmed that the police had been round, they'd spoken to him separately as I had told the police what I'd heard his wife screaming at him.

Anyway the police were happy it was a domestic dispute and they left, I've been told by my son to stay away from him and my grandson etc, my husband and other son have said that j completely overreacted, some couples have a row but it's better than not ever arguing and then one day just exploding. My daughter in law is said to be absolutely furious.

I'm heart broken, how do I fix this? I had hoped that the police would get social services involved due to them having a child and giving them a kick up the arse but it seems have backfired.

From what I have read on this thread, no one thinks abuse is acceptable, however I think that there are lot of good intentions on this thread that lean towards the police being able to do something about this if it is indeed abuse. As it goes the police have done nothing and most probably arrived after it had happened. If he is being abused the abuse will only increase and likely he will cut himself off further from his mother who most probably feels like he can’t trust at the moment.
When I was with my extremely abusive ex, it would have actually terrified me as to what might happen to me and my children after the police had left if my parents had done this. And the pressure to not see my parents would have 100% increased.
I know people think that the police are the answer, but abusive people don’t generally care about the law or they wouldn’t be abusive in the first place, the abuse just ramps to even more for the victim.

Wow I’m so surprised about the abuse you are receiving. You definitely did the right thing. Men ARE abused by women and he is clearly vulnerable.

It’s ok - I could have used punctuation to make my point clearer!

It's quite clear that OP is concerned about what sounds like a possible pattern of abusive behaviour. This is only one in a string of incidents. The law now recognises that assessing risk and identifying abuse is often more to do with identifying a pattern of behaviour rather than looking at each report as a one off incident. What OP has done has at very least ensured that police have taken note of one incident. If ever any further incidents are reported they should hopefully recognise that this forms a pattern of abusive behaviour. When looking at abuse it is always important to consider the full context and pattern of what is happening to identify crimes such as coercive control, not just ask whether someone was at risk of physical harm in a specific moment. Abuse is more than just the physical aspect, that's often a small part of the overall picture. Other forms of abuse are extremely damaging too.

OP if you are concerned about your son and grandchild I would call the local Council domestic abuse service or safeguarding services for advice.

Well if that is the case I think really you should have been having a conversation with your son alone about what he thinks is and isn’t acceptable in a relationship and what he may have called her previously so you are getting both sides of the story, that is even if he wants your interference which he definitely won’t now, say it is completely one sided and she alone is the complete monster calling the police is only going to heighten her anger. I don’t know what the answer is now but you can only possibly get your husband to speak to him so he knows you are both there for him and that calling him those names is abuse and then maybe state if it continues from her side alone you will involve other people because of the children…….

As we all know abusers abuse behind closed doors and abuse thrives on secrecy. Which could well explain your son and DIL's reaction.

One of the most sensible posts on here .

Someone posted pretty much the exact reverse of this situation the other day, except she was the one who was reported to the Police. It sounds like you did the right thing

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/amibeingunreasonable/5296574-someone-called-the-bloody-police-on-me

If you are concerned about their safety then yes, you ring the police. It’s not in the hope that the dc get taken away, it’s in order to protect them.

You haven’t managed to answer whether or not you justify the ableist, verbal abuse either? Speaks volumes about your character to be honest.

That is a totally different situation where a child with SEN was screaming loudly in a meltdown leading the neighbours to think he was being harmed and phone the police.

This thread we're on now is about an adult woman verbally abusing a disabled adult man with a child in the home.

Please don’t contact again if you have nothing constructive or supportive to contribute.

You have caused enough harm already, I despair.

Worried enough to call the police, but not worried enough to knock on the door. Sure...

Do you despair at the abuse directed at a disabled man? I would imagine being called the vile names his wife called him is pretty harmful too.

She sounds utterly vile. If this was in front of her own children then that is absolutely a safeguarding issue. Often the police let Social Services know if there is domestic violence and children are present but I doubt they would in this case. You ask to speak to the duty Social Worker to see if they think it would be a referral.

You're rightly worried, but agree that calling the police was probably a mistake. I dont think that them going in will have helped at this stage if there was no physical danger (not because I don't believe verbal abuse is abuse though).

I'm not sure that knocking to break it up would have helped either though.

I think you needed to have spoken to your son privately, said that you'd overheard a big argument and hoped that things were alright and let him know he could talk to you if he needed.

He needs to feel empowered to do something about the relationship himself, it can take a long time for people being abused to recognise it. He needs to see it for himself and have people to turn to for help rather than have help imposed on him.

I think that's probably been made more difficult now, but perhaps you could try to get your husband and/or son to reach out to let him know that's they'll be no interference, but that he can turn to them if he needs support.

Yes absolutely I do but if If you’re so concerned you go to the door.

If you’re so concerned you speak to your son in private and you let him know what you heard and that you’re worried. You give him a safe space to confide in you.

What you don’t do is phone the police and then fuck off to get your nails done. The OP clearly wasn’t so worried about her son that it was important enough for her to sack off her appointment.

Now her son is never going to tell her anything, nor does he feel supported for fear that the OP is going to try and have his son removed from him.

How many women on here stay in abusive relationships for fear of their children being removed? And here you have the OP openly stating that’s her aim!!!!

Exactly this. Also the did nothing but more than likely have caused more problems in that potentially (a) the abuse has increased, (b) the son won’t speak to his mother and the (c) the ops husband and son strongly disagree with her.

If that's how the mother behaves she should have neither children nor husband. I'm sickened by the words used.

You really don't have to stick the boot in like that. Why kick someone who's already struggling? That's hardly constructive nor supportive. Mumsnet is supposed to be a discussion form not an online boxing ring.

I don’t disagree but the way the OP has conducted herself here is not conducive to securing that outcome.

Oh give it a rest the OP is hardly struggling. So unbothered was she that sauntered on with the rest of her day after calling the police. She didn’t even call her son after the incident to check he was okay!! He called her later in the evening to ask if she’d called the police.

Op, with respect, you know nothing about the fine day to day workings of your sons relationship.

I had neighbours who sounded like your son and dil. She was a big, gobby lass, he was slim and short quietly spoken man.

Behind closed doors he would goad her, put her down, and wait for her to explode so he could cry victim. I'm not saying your sons relationship is a carbon copy of this situation, but don't believe all you see. I have also seen this the opposite way round, so I am in no way saying only men manipulate a situation like this. It happens with both sexes.

This really does sound like you’re minimising. Couples argue. I’m sure our neighbours have heard Dh and I have a few choice words for each other at times. But the language used by the woman in this scenario goes well beyond a simple argument. It’s vile, abusive and using his disability against him in the most disgusting way. I don’t think anyone can be goaded into saying things of that level. It says everything about the person saying it.

Im really shocked at the way some posters are framing this as not that bad. Where are your standards?

I dont think that there are many posters here saying that it's not that bad, just that the OP handled the situation badly. Wading in, without checking in with her son first, is wrong. Hoping that the police would give them a kick up the arse, is wrong. Especially if there is abuse. It's OP imposing her opinion on how her son should handle things, rather than asking him what he wants and what he perceives to be going on. It's making him more powerless. And only going to push him further away/disempower him.

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This story is so fishy