I called the police on my daughter in law and it's gone wrong

[feellikechickentonight]

The other week I was walking my dog and I ended up walking past my son and daughter in law's house, as I walked past i could hear her going ballistic at what I presumed to be him. The house isnt too far back from the path and the bathroom window was open, hence being able to hear everything.

I listened for a minute or so and she was absolutely relentless, calling him awful names, for context he is physically disabled and some of those insults were related to his disability, I couldn't hear him responding in kind, just pleading with her to calm down and fearing for his safety i called the police and they said they'd check that everything was okay but couldn't give a time.

I went home as I had an appointment, i was also very angry at what I'd heard and was worried if I confronted them that it'd make the situation worse. A few hours later I got a phone call from my son asking me if I'd called the police, when I said yes he then got very terse and said what the hell was I doing, that they were having a very heated discussion about something, he confirmed that the police had been round, they'd spoken to him separately as I had told the police what I'd heard his wife screaming at him.

Anyway the police were happy it was a domestic dispute and they left, I've been told by my son to stay away from him and my grandson etc, my husband and other son have said that j completely overreacted, some couples have a row but it's better than not ever arguing and then one day just exploding. My daughter in law is said to be absolutely furious.

I'm heart broken, how do I fix this? I had hoped that the police would get social services involved due to them having a child and giving them a kick up the arse but it seems have backfired.

She doesn't sound like a nice daughter-in-law. Ding dongs like this aren't uncommon though. Women just pretend it either didn't happen or make an excuse...

It’s just that your relentless and frankly absurd comments don’t really make much sense unless you have a vested interest in this. If not the horrible abusive wife, I’m guessing a friend or family member.

Absurd is thinking you can hear a whole conversation from a street in winter and see through walls and then hope that social services get themselves involved with your own grandkids while your husband and other son clearly roll their eyes……..and the son involved stops all contact………if the woman is an abusive monster I’m sure they’ll resolve things themselves as GROWN ADULTS……

Would you have said the same if the sexes were reversed? Ableism and screaming and shouting at someone IS abusive, not a normal argument. Op did the right thing especially with a child involved.

I don't even know why I'm responding to you as you've been nothing but rude.

The large bathroom window was open for ventilation, they must have been upstairs when this happened but even so there's a street path going right past the front of their house and guess what, the bathroom is on the front of the house.

I've not mentioned anything about seeing through walls, you clearly have a bee in your bonnet about something so maybe deal with that instead of being the way you are?

So they were arguing in the bathroom? Or you don’t know because you weren’t in the house?

For the sound to travel that clearly they must have been upstairs like I already said.

And what if they were downstairs so you didn’t hear every single word of your son’s relationship?

Why are you tying yourself in knots trying to justify this? You sound like some mad conspiracy theorist coming up with all of the reasons why it can’t be true and the op must be mistaken. If we are to take her on face value then she heard the shouting which isn’t absurd at all - I hear my neighbours from outside sometimes especially if they are being loud.

The real question here is whether you really think it’s acceptable that someone has screamed abuse at a disabled person about their disability? Would you walk on by if you heard one of your dc being treated like that?

What?

I don’t think she overreacted. Her family does. Hence me calling them idiots.

I think you were right to call the police. She was abusive- comments about his disability.

I’m sure you know the difference between a ‘Normal’ argument and a loud abusive fight.

Some people here hate mother in laws so they’re gleefully telling you that you were wrong - on the basis that everything a mother in law does is wrong🤷‍♀️

You have let your son know you have his back even though pride (and maybe his wife) is probably preventing him from admitting it for now.

Doing the right thing can start to feel like the wrong thing and it’s a hard place to be in.

Your son may stay in denial for some time. I hope not but don’t make it worse by blaming yourself. It’s the abuser who’s to blame so don’t let yourself be gaslighted.

Stay strong and don’t try to ‘make it right’ when you did nothing wrong. 🌺

This is irrecoverable.

Sorry, but that's how it is.

Would you say this if it was her daughter being abused about her disability by her son in law?

Exactly!

Are you for real? You think GROWN ADULTS just resolve abuse? Are you really this naive? Do you live in a cave?

You don’t know they were upstairs do you, it isn’t your house or your arguement, what exactly did you hear? It’s MN it’s uncensored…….I'm guessing you’ve also never called your husband a single name in case your disabled son got taken away from you to live with a better family……

Oh do you also ring the police then in hope their kids get taken away?

Sorry OP but the headline got me here …’and it’s gone wrong’ - how was it meant to go right? Of course they were going to be upset. Why didn’t you knock on instead of involving the law? Appointment or not if you are worried enough about it to call the police then surely you are worried enough to knock on and give them 3 minutes of your time to say ‘I was just walking past with Sooty and thought I’d best check in’. Of course daughter in law isn’t going to want to spend time with you going forward and if he is that disabled that he requires her for care then he must feel put between a rock and a hard place and may even feel he has to take her side. Or he loves her and their marriage isn’t perfect and they were both stressed.
I appreciate domestic situations are not to be downplayed and that we must take the situation seriously to ensure son is not in danger or being abused (physically or mentally) but if she is an abuser you’ve just played massively into her hands (she will use this to make you seem interfering and ask him to distance himself). If she’s not an abuser you’re a nosy mother in law to the highest degree who’s walked past at the worst possible time and heard a barney that started because they were both having a bad day.
I don’t see where else you thought this would go, sorry to go against your grain. Obviously I hope your son is ok and that in time you can give him the support he needs from you.

I am somewhat surprised by some of the comments you have received - I think it is natural to be protective of your child no matter how old they are and you have the added disability concern. I do think you have not handled it particularly well though and if she is abusive - her comments if you heard correctly are unacceptable - a row or not. She is likely to be trying to reduce his contact.
How do they know it was you who reported her? I would try and leave it a little while and then contact your son and say you are sorry for what has happened, you were worried, you mishandled the situation, you love him and you are always there for him.
I would not be apologising to anyone who I heard verbally abusing my son using his disabilities.
I guess there is a lot more than you have explained here and I don't think the police were your best bet and I would have gone and knocked on the door but it is done now and you have to move towards a resolution. Will he keep comms open with his dad?

Really! Ok then, why are prisons so full of abusive monsters if surely they could have sorted it out being GROWN ADULTS?

Oh sorry! I misread what you wrote. I agree with you!

What does it matter? Abusing someone about their disability is never ever ok.

Well we’ve still not heard what was apparently even said…….

She called him a useless fucking sp*tic and a reded cunt. Edited by MNHQ to remove some offensive terms