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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I called the police on my daughter in law and it's gone wrong

334 replies

feellikechickentonight · 18/03/2025 19:13

The other week I was walking my dog and I ended up walking past my son and daughter in law's house, as I walked past i could hear her going ballistic at what I presumed to be him. The house isnt too far back from the path and the bathroom window was open, hence being able to hear everything.

I listened for a minute or so and she was absolutely relentless, calling him awful names, for context he is physically disabled and some of those insults were related to his disability, I couldn't hear him responding in kind, just pleading with her to calm down and fearing for his safety i called the police and they said they'd check that everything was okay but couldn't give a time.

I went home as I had an appointment, i was also very angry at what I'd heard and was worried if I confronted them that it'd make the situation worse. A few hours later I got a phone call from my son asking me if I'd called the police, when I said yes he then got very terse and said what the hell was I doing, that they were having a very heated discussion about something, he confirmed that the police had been round, they'd spoken to him separately as I had told the police what I'd heard his wife screaming at him.

Anyway the police were happy it was a domestic dispute and they left, I've been told by my son to stay away from him and my grandson etc, my husband and other son have said that j completely overreacted, some couples have a row but it's better than not ever arguing and then one day just exploding. My daughter in law is said to be absolutely furious.

I'm heart broken, how do I fix this? I had hoped that the police would get social services involved due to them having a child and giving them a kick up the arse but it seems have backfired.

OP posts:
PrettayGood · 18/03/2025 19:44

You just happened to be walking past their house? You just happened to hear their argument? Yeah, right.

thereisachosenone · 18/03/2025 19:49

You called the police over 1 minute of shouting?

Has there ever been any actual violence or abuse? The police cant get involved over an argument, especially if neither party wants it.

Arcticrival · 18/03/2025 19:51

MeganM3 · 18/03/2025 19:33

You weren’t that worried about your son’s safety. Be honest. If you were, you wouldn’t have left?!

This doesn’t make sense.

Exactly. Why did u not just knock on the door

thereisachosenone · 18/03/2025 19:51

If anyone fancies a ridiculous story, the police turned up at my house last year having received a report of domestic violence. We live in a quiet village.

We’d been playing Mario Kart. Laughing and shouting for about 1hr at around 4pm on a Saturday.

NarcHellHelp · 18/03/2025 19:52

DenholmElliot11 · 18/03/2025 19:21

Well yeah, it's backfired. Couples argue. Did you think you could hear them argue, tell the police and that your son and grandson would be swanning off into the sunset without the DIL you so obviously dislike?

I don't think there's any coming back from this one, sorry.

Wrong. It was verbal abuse. He was stating fear for his safety. There was a child present which is a safeguarding issue. The OP did the right thing. Sadly the police weren’t able to do anything but it’s a strong message to her that the behaviour is unacceptable and hopefully it is logged in case worse happens.

Comtesse · 18/03/2025 19:52

Why on earth did you admit it was you that called the police? Could have been the neighbours - deny deny deny. Going to be virtually impossible to turn this around I fear…

Annascaul · 18/03/2025 19:52

Do you have form for interfering in their lives, op?
What are the chances that they knew it would be you, who just happened to be strolling past their house?

flapjackfairy · 18/03/2025 19:54

NarcHellHelp · 18/03/2025 19:52

Wrong. It was verbal abuse. He was stating fear for his safety. There was a child present which is a safeguarding issue. The OP did the right thing. Sadly the police weren’t able to do anything but it’s a strong message to her that the behaviour is unacceptable and hopefully it is logged in case worse happens.

I agree. If it was him yelling abuse at her everyone would expect the mil to report it wouldn't they.

Annascaul · 18/03/2025 19:54

NarcHellHelp · 18/03/2025 19:52

Wrong. It was verbal abuse. He was stating fear for his safety. There was a child present which is a safeguarding issue. The OP did the right thing. Sadly the police weren’t able to do anything but it’s a strong message to her that the behaviour is unacceptable and hopefully it is logged in case worse happens.

He wasn’t “fearing for his safety”.
Op claims that she was. Yet she strolled on home without even knocking on the door.

okydokethen · 18/03/2025 19:54

You know the difference between a row and an argument that is going too far, especially if she was using his disability in it.
you’re his mum, you wanted to help him, he’ll know that. If he IS in an abusive relationship then it’ll be really difficult for him and he’ll have to placate your DIL and he’s likely to be embarrassed and scared that you overheard.

let the dust settle and continue to keep lines open to him where possible.

NarcHellHelp · 18/03/2025 19:55

You did the right thing. It sends a strong message that the behaviour isn’t ok. This dysregulated and scary behaviour in a parent (even if it’s just heard and between parents) is damaging to children and it’s a safeguarding issue.

The trouble is the truth seer and sayer often becomes the scapegoat. I’m sorry it’s cost you the relationships (hopefully only temporarily) but you absolutely did the right thing.

LemonDuck223 · 18/03/2025 19:55

There's got to be more backstory op. As you said you've threatened to report her before

NarcHellHelp · 18/03/2025 19:56

Annascaul · 18/03/2025 19:54

He wasn’t “fearing for his safety”.
Op claims that she was. Yet she strolled on home without even knocking on the door.

Because it could have escalated it.

BIWI · 18/03/2025 19:56

How on earth would your son know that you called the police?

Something very fishy here.

HelenWheels · 18/03/2025 19:57

well its done now

JanglingJack · 18/03/2025 19:57

It's still not ringing true.

My ex of blummin 16 tears, father of my daughter - we usually have very little to do with each other - lost his temper over a pick up disagreement and was witnessed snatching my phone from me by 2 passing CPOs.

He went home, I went back in. It was treated as a domestic incident, and it was ME that had to entertain the police the next day for an hour whilst they went through their new domestic checklist

I told them it was a one off in 16 years. Why is me getting all this. Well, we're protecting your welfare yada yada.

Do you want to press charges? No.

Where the fuck were you 16-20 tears ago.

It's been witnessed, because you have had a relationship it is still a domestic incident and we need to check you are okay and...

So no. I don't believe any police officer - usually 3 for a domestic would have said they were happy and left the couple to it.

MrBiscuits24 · 18/03/2025 19:57

I’d have been banging down the door in the moment.

JanglingJack · 18/03/2025 19:57

*years not tears!

Ariel896 · 18/03/2025 19:58

I call BS on all this. You ‘happened to be walking past’ and then you thought your son was in danger and left him to it. None of this is believable!

aCatCalledFawkes · 18/03/2025 19:59

NarcHellHelp · 18/03/2025 19:52

Wrong. It was verbal abuse. He was stating fear for his safety. There was a child present which is a safeguarding issue. The OP did the right thing. Sadly the police weren’t able to do anything but it’s a strong message to her that the behaviour is unacceptable and hopefully it is logged in case worse happens.

You can't confirm that its verbal abuse after one minute, especially if you didn't hear what he responded with. I'm doubtful the police will do anything at all.

I used to volunteer for a DV charity, I think approaching you son separately and letting him know that you were concerned and here for him would of been more appropriate than getting the police involved when it was so obvious it was you.

If as you say she is abusing him you will of only of made his life a lot harder, to the point he now can't trust you and you will be more cut off from them than before. If you could come back you need to let him know you will never do that again and want to earn his trust back.

Soontobe60 · 18/03/2025 20:00

So many questions -
Why did you not knock on?
Why did you ignore them if you believed your adult son was at risk of being harmed?
How did your son know that if was you who had phoned the police?

Bababear987 · 18/03/2025 20:02

OP what else did you expect would happen? If you have genuine concerns and feel ss should be involved then that's 1 thing but I doubt you do otherwise youd have called them yourself already

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 18/03/2025 20:02

feellikechickentonight · 18/03/2025 19:13

The other week I was walking my dog and I ended up walking past my son and daughter in law's house, as I walked past i could hear her going ballistic at what I presumed to be him. The house isnt too far back from the path and the bathroom window was open, hence being able to hear everything.

I listened for a minute or so and she was absolutely relentless, calling him awful names, for context he is physically disabled and some of those insults were related to his disability, I couldn't hear him responding in kind, just pleading with her to calm down and fearing for his safety i called the police and they said they'd check that everything was okay but couldn't give a time.

I went home as I had an appointment, i was also very angry at what I'd heard and was worried if I confronted them that it'd make the situation worse. A few hours later I got a phone call from my son asking me if I'd called the police, when I said yes he then got very terse and said what the hell was I doing, that they were having a very heated discussion about something, he confirmed that the police had been round, they'd spoken to him separately as I had told the police what I'd heard his wife screaming at him.

Anyway the police were happy it was a domestic dispute and they left, I've been told by my son to stay away from him and my grandson etc, my husband and other son have said that j completely overreacted, some couples have a row but it's better than not ever arguing and then one day just exploding. My daughter in law is said to be absolutely furious.

I'm heart broken, how do I fix this? I had hoped that the police would get social services involved due to them having a child and giving them a kick up the arse but it seems have backfired.

‘my husband and other son have said that i completely overreacted’

This is interesting, that your husband isn’t backing you up. When you say you hoped Social Services would get involved, to what end? Who are you trying to protect, your son, your grandson or both? Do you realise what will happen to your son and his family if that happens? You’d need to be very sure of your ground in order to involve them.

Msmoonpie · 18/03/2025 20:02

You were so concerned for his safety that you fucked off to an appointment?

Riiiiight.

JanglingJack · 18/03/2025 20:04

The police would never have left them both in the house with children if there had been an argument.

They would have been there for at least an hour. They would have checked on the children. If there had been any kind of domestic incident they would have removed one of the adults from the house. Not necessarily in to custody, but they will NOT leave 2 arguing adults in a house with children.

Just b as

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