I called the police on my daughter in law and it's gone wrong

[feellikechickentonight]

The other week I was walking my dog and I ended up walking past my son and daughter in law's house, as I walked past i could hear her going ballistic at what I presumed to be him. The house isnt too far back from the path and the bathroom window was open, hence being able to hear everything.

I listened for a minute or so and she was absolutely relentless, calling him awful names, for context he is physically disabled and some of those insults were related to his disability, I couldn't hear him responding in kind, just pleading with her to calm down and fearing for his safety i called the police and they said they'd check that everything was okay but couldn't give a time.

I went home as I had an appointment, i was also very angry at what I'd heard and was worried if I confronted them that it'd make the situation worse. A few hours later I got a phone call from my son asking me if I'd called the police, when I said yes he then got very terse and said what the hell was I doing, that they were having a very heated discussion about something, he confirmed that the police had been round, they'd spoken to him separately as I had told the police what I'd heard his wife screaming at him.

Anyway the police were happy it was a domestic dispute and they left, I've been told by my son to stay away from him and my grandson etc, my husband and other son have said that j completely overreacted, some couples have a row but it's better than not ever arguing and then one day just exploding. My daughter in law is said to be absolutely furious.

I'm heart broken, how do I fix this? I had hoped that the police would get social services involved due to them having a child and giving them a kick up the arse but it seems have backfired.

wow I’m so shocked by some of the comments here. You 100% did the right thing and don’t let people gaslight you into thinking you didn’t. Regardless of the situation that led to this, verbally attacking someone with a physical disability and with a child in the house is abusive. Your son is probably just embarrassed but he will come round eventually, probably because the same situation will happen again. I wouldn’t have said it was you who reported it, but it’s happened now. Hope you’re ok x

FFS! Yes, because if the DIL is doing this (domestic abuse) with their DS in the house it's a child safeguarding issue.

You did the right thing. Your DIL is an abusive, horrible person and your son is very vulnerable now he’s been beaten down by his behaviour. It’s classic to protect the perpetrator. Not a reflection on you at all. Sadly people don’t take DV seriously when the man is the victim.

so many weirdos on this thread.

It 100% was not the right thing to inflame a situation that OP has no real idea about. She protected noone in this situation. She just projected. She should have spoken to her son first. It's so alarming that so many of you don't understand the tightrope that needs to be walked when there's abuse. The police had no opportunity here to do anything. It's all been inflamed by OP thinking she knows best. ASK. Don't further alienate a person who probably doesn't know up from down.

You didn't do the right thing.

I would have gonr and knocked their door, I certainly would not have swanned off to an appointment if I was concerned enough about his safety I felt I had to ring the police 🤷‍♀️

I know a woman who spitefully called the police on her son in law.

Her daughter hasn't spoken to her for over a decade. She has never met their child.

It must have been absolutely terrifying to hear someone verbally attack your adult child. You must have been very torn with contacting the authorities since you had been a witness to her verbal abuse in the past.
I cannot imagine being able to leave my child without knocking though. Even if it was to act like you hadn't heard anything but to disrupt the aggressive insults. This is the bit I don't get.
Or perhaps ring your DH and say "listen to this..." and ask if he can come get your son/you should knock.

Agree.

Verbal abuse is abuse.
The victim doesn't have to be in physical danger for the act to be abuse. In this case, the person being called names and being shouted at is disabled, making the abuse (and now isolation from family) very concerning.

Not sure of the relevance here given the OP was not spiteful.

She heard her abusing her disabled son....why should she like her?

When I was on the receiving end of vile abuse like that I wished someone would call the police . In time he may come round as she’s unlikely to change so sit back and wait . She will be furious as she’s been exposed ; that’s her stuff and ignore it . He’s a vulnerable person and as a mum and in fact anyone who heard that , I’d likr to think they would report it . Sit back and wait it will likely all come out in the end

I have no idea why you are getting such a hard time. You have observed abuse from this woman before and reacted to hearing your son being verbally abused. Because that's what it was. Yes adults argue. But if arguments sound like this, it's abuse. I do wonder if your post was 'i overheard my physically disabled DAUGHTER being shouted at and called a c*nt and other vile words, and i have witnessed her being verbally abused before and blocked from going out of rooms etc, by a MAN who is far bigger than her' the responses would have been kinder. Maybe you could have pulled him to one side but you reacted in the moment. What you can do now is message your son somehow, telling him you are worried and are always always there for him. And try to get your husband on board to be the conduit. My brother is severely disabled and you have my thoughts. Big hugs

Has she ever shown any signs of violence though? I’m assuming not because you would give an example if you had one.

Just because she theoretically could hurt him, doesn’t mean it’s reasonable to put about the idea that she will.

Most men are bigger than their partners and could knock their partner down without much force, doesn’t mean we presume there will be DV.

I'm sorry, but if I thought my ds was in genuine danger, enough for me to call the police and hope so got involved, I certainly wouldn't of left and gone to an appointment, I'd of been knocking on that door!! It feels as if you don't have a lot of time for your dil!

Why should she have a lot of time for her DIL who verbally abuses and mocks her disabled son . I mean , really !!

Jesus Christ what an interfering cow you are!! No wonder MILs get a bad rep. No coming back from this sorry. If you were my MIL you would be cut off for good.

@feellikechickentonight I think you meant well given how worried you were. It’s backfired and you need to be patient and give it time with your son.
Be aware there’s a risk of him becoming more isolated by her now and you pushing could make things worse.

Easy to say now with hindsight but a lower key response would have been more helpful unless you felt he was being physically attacked in that moment.

Knocking on the door would probably have at least paused the argument and given everyone a chance to cool down.

Talking with your son calmly and without judgment so he knows he can come to you if he needs you.

The concern now would be that he’s unlikely to confide in you because he will worry you’ll do something else without his consent.

What’s his relationships like with dad and sibling? Would he confide in them? Could they check in with him quietly?

Why on earth would you even want to get social services involved with your son and dil ?? I don't think them having an argument is the problem but I think you need to look in the mirror that's where the problem is

Stupidest comment ever.

If your definition of argument is someone screaming 'C*nt and Spastic' I feel sorry for you.

I think you did the right thing. Men need protecting too - particularly men who have a physical vulnerability... and particularly when you've seen behaviour from her before that is concerning.

I think you over reacted. Surely the more logical thing was to chap the door and say I can hear you guys in the street, is everything ok? Sounds like she got heated, said some very awful things (which isn’t ok btw!!) and they dealt with it.

Let your son and daughter cool off and then apologise but explain your reasoning when they aren’t so angry.

My heart goes out to you and your DS, I would be heart broken to hear someone/anyone shouting that to my DC but it’s even worse to know that the abuse came from the very person that should have your DC’s best interests at heart.

I hope that things calm down, who else is your DS close to? Can you ask them to look out for your DS whilst you are keeping a distance. Is there any chance that you could offer your DS to live with you?

if you had concerns for your sons welfare you 100 percent done the right thing. He might not thank you now but at least he knows you have heard what she’s like and will believe him if he ever needs help.
abuse is not just physical and men find it extremely hard to admit they are being abused. How she spoke to him is disgusting especially as he’s a vulnerable adult.