Guilt at wanting to separate from disabled husband

[Midnight19]

Should I honour my marriage vows and stay? I’m 54 and my husband is 58. Together for 26 years. He has been prone to accidents and health issues and not worked for most of the time we’ve been together. He also has nocturnal epilepsy so never driven. I have taken on more and more and now registered as his informal carer. I have always worked full time and covered most bills and mortgage. Unfortunately no children. Now he is waiting on an operation to fix a fusion in his foot. He has let himself go, now 26 stone, not brushing teeth, not showering, looks like he will need a wheelchair indoors soon. I assist him with dressing, undressing, showering (when he wants), all drinks and meals and run the household. We are waiting for a social care assessment as I’m done. I don’t see him as a husband anymore and have no interest in having a sexual relationship. Actually I resent him. I told him months ago how I felt, suggesting divorce or an open marriage maybe. He buried his head in the sand so yesterday I raised it again and said he needed outside help from social care and to not rely on me so much as I wanted to separate. Now I feel even worse as he says he can’t go on without me. I feel stuck and holding all the responsibility again. He’s told me that otherwise I have to sort out full time care for him. Do I give up and stay? I know the grass is not always greener, giving up our home, trying to rent with dog, being on my own. But I’m tired of being the grown up.

It sounds like a terrible situation, for both of you.
Part of his health issues weren't his choosing, but he's let himself go rather than preserving what little health and self-esteem he could have left. I understand you wanting to leave.

it's also normal to feel guilty. Your husband has come to rely on you for everything. It's almost like abandoning a child.
But he isn't a child. And if you'd get run over tomorrow, he'd have to fend for himself as well. He may struggle, but how he feels isn't your burden to bear.

Honestly, life is too short just to be a skivvy to someone who couldn't care less about you and your feelings.

No, it won't be easy, but I believe you will be happier in the long run.

You can phone social services and say you are in crisis as it sounds like you are and hopefully they'll be able to send someone out. If you already have a social worker then I'd ask for them to come out for a visit.

I left just before my dh became disabled.. Years of abuse led to diabetes and obesity.. Absolutely no regrets.. He was 15 years older. The signs were alwasy there he expected me to become his carer. Sod that.

You will burnout if you stay.

Phone the adult social care, tell them how you feel, and tell your DH this is not an option anymore, its vital. Then separate if that is the route you need to go in order to safe yourself. Him telling you that life is over if you leave is really selfish. I get that he is panicking probably but letting himself go and then relay on you for his care, and not do anything to sort himself out, marriage or not, I feel its your life too, and you too need to be able to breath, and live.

Girlmom35
I think you hit the nail on the head with him making our situation worse with self neglect. He is able to do some things for himself but doesn’t. It’s affecting both of us. I have tried to remain fit and healthy, losing weight so we both don’t end up in a mess.

If you were disabled and reliant on him for everything and he wanted a divorce. What would your feelings be??

It’s time to go and look after yourself, you’ve tried, you’ve given him a lot of love and care but you are not duty bound.

AussieGold I think you’re right short term pain for long term gain. I just needed reassurance that my thinking wasn’t selfish

That’s helpful to hear someone else same situation and you have no regrets. Thank you.

Go.

He doesn’t care about you, he just needs a nursemaid. Fuck that!

The fact that much of it seems self-inflicted, and that he seems to have extreme learned helplessness would make me feel like I could leave. This isn't someone who has been your rock for a quarter of a century and has been stricken down with something completely unforeseeable. I think this is you getting out while you still can. Does he even see you as his wife any more, or just take you for granted as a carer? He doesn't seem to be motivated to maintain his own physical independence.

Does he have family accessible?

Your life sounds awful and your husband has done nothing to help himself by getting to 26 stone. He doesn't like showering, he has dirty teeth and I don't know how you can bear to be near enough to him to dress him. You wait on him hand & foot and you also work full time.

If he had tried his best to stay fit and healthy but become disabled, you'd probably not resent him like you do now. Given his apathy towards improving his health I'd say you've given him enough years and you need to grab what's left of your life while you can.

He is not helping himself. Why is he your responsibility? Go and make a life for yourself.

I wouldn't stay. He ll sort himself out, when he needs to.

Thank you everyone. When you’re in the middle of something it’s hard to see the wood for the trees and I needed clarity. I’ve cared for him for so long, trying so hard not to make him dependant on me. And daunted by undoing our life, sorting his care and accommodation, then my accommodation and getting a house ready for selling. Giving up on 26 years together. But I think if I stay I will regret this years later.

Was thinking that. Interesting that OP hasn't responded to that question.

Life is too short. There's no way I would put up with this. You've either been a saint or a doormat up to now.

I think I'm a bitch sometimes for saying to DH that he'd better keep himself in decent shape because, if he disables himself, it's me who would be saddled as his carer. And he does keep himself in decent shape, as do I. It's a totally different situation of course if the need for care is as a result of bad luck.

I very much doubt he'd have hung around this long were the roles reversed

Women say in sickness and in health at the altar but rarely mean it.

Do you know about the sunk costs fallacy?

Go now, as fast as you can, and look ahead to a happier future. He broke the marriage with his selfishness and lack of care for you. You can’t maintain a marriage by yourself. He bailed now you get to walk away and be free. Don’t be blackmailed or threatened, he needs to learn he can’t dictate your time and energy anymore.

Ignore the naysayers on here OP. They aren’t in your situation.

There is nothing on earth that would make you owe someone the rest of your life, lived in misery.

You’re right, the grass isn’t always greener, but in your case I’m pretty sure it will be.