Guilt at wanting to separate from disabled husband

[Midnight19]

Should I honour my marriage vows and stay? I’m 54 and my husband is 58. Together for 26 years. He has been prone to accidents and health issues and not worked for most of the time we’ve been together. He also has nocturnal epilepsy so never driven. I have taken on more and more and now registered as his informal carer. I have always worked full time and covered most bills and mortgage. Unfortunately no children. Now he is waiting on an operation to fix a fusion in his foot. He has let himself go, now 26 stone, not brushing teeth, not showering, looks like he will need a wheelchair indoors soon. I assist him with dressing, undressing, showering (when he wants), all drinks and meals and run the household. We are waiting for a social care assessment as I’m done. I don’t see him as a husband anymore and have no interest in having a sexual relationship. Actually I resent him. I told him months ago how I felt, suggesting divorce or an open marriage maybe. He buried his head in the sand so yesterday I raised it again and said he needed outside help from social care and to not rely on me so much as I wanted to separate. Now I feel even worse as he says he can’t go on without me. I feel stuck and holding all the responsibility again. He’s told me that otherwise I have to sort out full time care for him. Do I give up and stay? I know the grass is not always greener, giving up our home, trying to rent with dog, being on my own. But I’m tired of being the grown up.

I'd take a punt that, had the roles been reversed, the OP would have tried to maintain as much of her health and independence as possible. She has already said that she has "tried to remain fit and healthy, losing weight so we both don’t end up in a mess."

Even now, she is talking about sorting his care and accomodation, then sorting her own.

She already says she feels guilt at considering it, but I guess some people just like to stick the boot in.

I’d be upset naturally. However I’d hope that what I’d given to our relationship especially in the earlier years, when I was more able would count as something. Sadly my husband never contributed fairly either housework or finances, and has resisted other support, even widening his social network, making our situation even worse and escalating it quicker to this impasse. So this is offsetting the guilt I have.

My sister stayed with her suddenly disabled husband - they’d had plans of babies and holidays and ‘stuff’ which all disappeared overnight, by the time he passed it was too late for all these things, she’d sacrificed herself for him. With hindsight she should have gone years earlier whilst she still had chance for these things but when you’re the carer it’s hard to step away. On planes you put the oxygen on yourself first, it’s time to put yourself first.

Why only women? 🤔

I would leave OP. It's not your job to try and fix him, if he's not making the effort then why should you.

Based on what evidence?

I think it's safe to say on this situation, the grass will definitely be greener.

I'd never wish for a relationship to end, but if you're not getting anything out of this, and he's unlikely to change, isn't that just guaranteed misery?

This isn’t about leaving a disabled person. This is about leaving a lazy man, who has seemingly contributed very little to the OPs life, who now can’t event be bothered to shower and brush his teeth, despite the fact that the OP had to provide personal care. That is so disrespectful.

There isn't even any grass at all where the op is now, it's all scorched earth!

Great misogynistic addition to this post.
However you've got your facts wrong.

After receiving the news of a chronic illness, only 2,9% of men are left by their wives. Women aren't so lucky. 20,8% of women who become ill are left by their husbands. (Glantz et al. 2009)

@HomeTheatreSystem based on these posts telling her to leave her husband. How many have said to stay as per the marriage vows?

Was just about to post similar stats @Girlmom35

@Taliah5 its pretty well known in healthcare circles that men leave and women don’t

I think you should leave. You want to and you will be forced in this role forever if you don’t. But PP shouldn’t be shaming your husband for being disabled. The self neglect will likely be caused by the psychological impact of long term disability. It’s not a good look suggesting she leaves because the disability ‘is self-inflicted’. Even if his disability were being viewed as ‘worthy’ of care, it would still be the best decision for you to leave. You don’t love him anymore so you would only be staying to be a live in free carer and life’s too short.

How is the poor guy selfish?
It isn't OK to leave him, and you full well know this. You are just looking for people to give you some mental gymnastics to convince yourself it is.
You promised 'in sickness and in health'. It is understandable you don't like the situation and want to leave, and you probably will.

Fortunately women are no longer chattels, so no one has to stay with anyone for any reason.

a woman particularly doesn’t need to stay with a man who can’t event be arsed to brush his teeth

Yes.

I was my late husband's carer. The difference is that the tried his best to regain mobility, etc.

He was 73 and had had a major ischaemic stroke. Men in the ward with a lesser stroke came out in wheelchairs. My man worked his socks off and walked out, albeit with a stick.

The first time I saw him in physio in a harness I wept. The trainee physio thought that I was upset because he was disabled; in fact, I was relieved and proud because he was in a harness, hanging onto parallel bars and trying to walk. (Immediately after the stroke, he couldn't even sit up.)

This isn’t leaving a disabled man it’s leaving a lazy one. Couples where one half is disabled split jobs based one which jobs the disabled half can do and most disabled people do their best to do as much as they can. So don’t feel guilty about leaving this one

We're telling her to leave not because he's disabled, but because he's been a lazy freeloader who hasn't pulled his weight at home, hasn't contributed financially and has allowed himself to balloon to 26 stone and doesn't shower or brush his teeth.

This.

I know someone who was all set to leave her husband because of his behaviour but then found herself trapped when he had a stroke.

She stuck it out about 6 yrs, I think, before telling social work that she was divorcing him. (He actually had an adult daughter who didn't even visit when she got the news about the stroke.)

How is he selfish? If you don't think this man is selfish you have a very weird definition of selfish!

This.

My late husband was disabled, but he tried his utmost to do what he could. He was always there for me.

Oh my goodness. A lady I work with could have written your op 10 years ago. Thankfully for her, she did have children with him and has grandchildren who are a wonderful light in the life that she manages to have around the self inflicted demands of her husband. His refusal to tackle his obesity led to diabetes which he declined to manage properly which led to a double amputation. She is now confined to her home pretty much, caring for him, driving him to appointments. She has been made old far beyond her years.

Bugger the marriage vows. Her husband has done nothing to love and cherish her. He's piled on the weight and added intolerable burdens to her workload.

How awful for this poor lady.
It seems to me that this man has backed himself into a corner where his only option was to further self-sabotage in an effort to trap her completely.

The disability is a red herring.

My dear friend has a DH who became ill with MS about ten years into their long marriage. Slowly he has become more and more dependent on her, and hasn’t worked for over twenty years.

However, he does all he can to be the best partner possible. He is not obese/dirty/unhygienic like OPs DH. It’s not inevitable, no matter what the initial disability is.

This man has relaxed into being cared for by OP and she has no life.

Life is short. Grab your freedom before it’s really too late.