Guilt at wanting to separate from disabled husband

[Midnight19]

Should I honour my marriage vows and stay? I’m 54 and my husband is 58. Together for 26 years. He has been prone to accidents and health issues and not worked for most of the time we’ve been together. He also has nocturnal epilepsy so never driven. I have taken on more and more and now registered as his informal carer. I have always worked full time and covered most bills and mortgage. Unfortunately no children. Now he is waiting on an operation to fix a fusion in his foot. He has let himself go, now 26 stone, not brushing teeth, not showering, looks like he will need a wheelchair indoors soon. I assist him with dressing, undressing, showering (when he wants), all drinks and meals and run the household. We are waiting for a social care assessment as I’m done. I don’t see him as a husband anymore and have no interest in having a sexual relationship. Actually I resent him. I told him months ago how I felt, suggesting divorce or an open marriage maybe. He buried his head in the sand so yesterday I raised it again and said he needed outside help from social care and to not rely on me so much as I wanted to separate. Now I feel even worse as he says he can’t go on without me. I feel stuck and holding all the responsibility again. He’s told me that otherwise I have to sort out full time care for him. Do I give up and stay? I know the grass is not always greener, giving up our home, trying to rent with dog, being on my own. But I’m tired of being the grown up.

Scotland has 'free' personal care but the so-called 'hotel costs' are very expensive - certainly for disabled pensioners with savings or their own home.

OP should contact Citizen's Advice or the Rights Office for advice.

If he’s not worked for 26 years how many accidents was he having ? Is it just bad luck or has this been investigated by a medical professional? Seems extreme?

Behavior first
Disability second
He thinks only of himself and has shown you no consideration
Time to follow your own path OP
He has the ability to sort his own living situation out, please don’t do it for him otherwise every time it goes wrong he will contact you to mend things.
Make a plan and a date for yourself and fly free. Clean break.
All the best

Sorry I missed a post where you described his accident.

so he broke his ankle 20+ years ago , recovered then broke his foot and has been wheelchair bound and unable to even brush his teeth since ?? How is that possible ? My 64 year old mum broke her foot last year and she was driving within about 5 weeks back to work.

There's a difference between doing everything for someone who can't do it themselves and being expected to do it for someone who can do some of it but won't.

I couldn’t do it. Move out and drop in on him once a week. He will get more appropriate help that way probably.

And if the boot had been on the other foot , what a bastard he would have been .

It is selfish. You're prioritising yourself over your partner. That's what selfishness is.

But selfishness isn't a bad thing. Excessive selfishness is, but everyone has to be selfish to survive the world. Without being selfish, you'd end up with no food, no roof over your head, no time for yourself.

And as you're discovering, mental health that's shot to shit.

Your husband has no trouble being selfish. He's happy not to look after himself, even though it makes your life immeasurably harder.

It's about time you learnt from him I think.

There are times in life when we have to be selfish and this is one of them. Life is too short, you sound like a wonderful person, you deserve so much more.Move on.

I don’t blame you at all. If he’s not helping his future outcome at all but expecting you purely to care for him.
I would suggest paying for good legal advice as you may be required to pay spousal maintenance post divorce due to his inability to work and support himself. You need a good legal opinion - I divorced someone with a lifelong illness and my solicitor suggested by exH could request spousal maintenance but due to our short marriage he didn’t.

I really feel for you @Midnight19 - you are so decent - but you are allowed to put yourself first in life ❤️
MN is full of these awful men who walk out on their wives because they think they’re bland or unsupportive when the wives have been working, bringing up their kids, running the house. You do everything - and your DH seems to do very little - even tho he could possibly do more. He could certainly take a bit more care of himself!
There is a possibility he could do something drastic - there is also the possibility that he suddenly wakes up and starts to lead his life too. Leaving may be the best thing you’ve ever done for him. Either way - it will be his choice and time for you to make your choices for you xx

It is selfish, and that is ok. It is ok and even necessary to be selfish sometimes and put your owns needs first. And this is one of those times.

It could also be the kick up the backside he needs to help himself and prolong his own life.

Leaving and prioritising yourself for as long as you need doesn’t have to mean cutting him off completely. If you love him and want to, you can still be in each others lives without being his spouse or carer.

Best of luck

Yes so the depending on finances is will help with this proceeds will be on the property but op doesn't have to sell for a long time, but all depending on finances,

Socal care, eg supportive living is under Socal services not private

It's about mindset isn't it. I broke my shoulder last year and my husband had to do pretty much everything for me. I couldn't even go to the toilet without his help. But the little bits I could do, I insisted on doing myself. And I did all my physio exercises and pushed myself to do more and more. Sometimes we'd even argue because he'd jump in to help rather than letting me struggle, but I needed to struggle in order to get stronger.

The OP's husband isn't pushing himself to do what he can. He isn't even trying. He thinks it's her responsibility to do everything for him. He even told her that she would have to sort out alternative care for him as if he can't make a phone call himself.

I don’t see how OP’s husband will qualify for social care such as adapted and supported living or nursing home. He sounds like he has a bad foot, that’s not a reason for someone of working age to need 24/7 care including personal care

Supported care is for anyone over the age of 18, depending on their care needs, conditions be full on care or little eg shopping, house work, and yes he may have to pay rent, and also towards his care package, 26 stone guessing help with bathing dressing, skin care, diet

I'm assuming that she would not have let herself become totally dependent on her husband. He's 26 stone, doesn't brush his teeth or shower and OP works full time and does absolutely everything else in the home as well as caring for him. Her life sounds utterly miserable. He can't help the epilepsy but he could have prevented many of his other health problems, many of which I assume are obesity related.

Gosh you've wasted so much life on this situation. You're both in your 50s, but sound like you're in your 70/80s. Go and live the rest of your life free of this chain. He has not been a loving husband, have you ever enjoyed the marriage? I wonder why it's taken so long for you to realise how miserable this is :-(

Actually, men are much more likely to abandon their wives/partners if they become ill than women are.

@Midnight19 I really feel for you in this situation!
I was the carer for 10 years in a situation that was only going to get worse, I was also working full time in a very demanding job (On call 24/7)
Thankfully my partner tried their best to keep themself as good as they could be but sadly MS takes everything in the end including rational thought in their case.
I must admit I was in a very dark place many times but despite not being religious at all took my marriage vows seriously and did the best I could until they died nearly 6 years ago.
But in your case I'm not sure I would have been so understanding given your partner seems almost wilfully not bothering to try?

@thepariscrimefilesso women now have to copy male behaviour do they?

The OP's husband is in a poor condition because he is not helping himself.

A fractured ankle isn't great. Neither is a fractured foot...but unless there's been some kind of medical malpractice, it shouldn't lead to a life of doing nothing.

@Midnight19 find yourself very good legal representation who will do their best to ensure you keep your home.

Your H is lazy, selfish and probably depressed. But that doesn't give him the right to leech off you for the rest of his life. Can you carry on like this for another 20/30 years? No, life is short and you're entitled to enjoy it. Get out and don't look back. You're not his slave