Guilt at wanting to separate from disabled husband

[Midnight19]

Should I honour my marriage vows and stay? I’m 54 and my husband is 58. Together for 26 years. He has been prone to accidents and health issues and not worked for most of the time we’ve been together. He also has nocturnal epilepsy so never driven. I have taken on more and more and now registered as his informal carer. I have always worked full time and covered most bills and mortgage. Unfortunately no children. Now he is waiting on an operation to fix a fusion in his foot. He has let himself go, now 26 stone, not brushing teeth, not showering, looks like he will need a wheelchair indoors soon. I assist him with dressing, undressing, showering (when he wants), all drinks and meals and run the household. We are waiting for a social care assessment as I’m done. I don’t see him as a husband anymore and have no interest in having a sexual relationship. Actually I resent him. I told him months ago how I felt, suggesting divorce or an open marriage maybe. He buried his head in the sand so yesterday I raised it again and said he needed outside help from social care and to not rely on me so much as I wanted to separate. Now I feel even worse as he says he can’t go on without me. I feel stuck and holding all the responsibility again. He’s told me that otherwise I have to sort out full time care for him. Do I give up and stay? I know the grass is not always greener, giving up our home, trying to rent with dog, being on my own. But I’m tired of being the grown up.

You only get one life, you are 54. You have spent years supporting and caring for this man. Enough is enough. Tell him you are separating and finding somewhere else to live and tell social services of this fact and that they will need to be taking over his care.
Do not let this situation drag on into your 60s and 70s.
even if you once loved him, you don’t now. You don’t have to hand your life over to somebody else from guilt. Leave and make a life for yourself

This sounds a bit like my Dad. My Mum didn't leave him, and didn't have a nice retirement at all. She's passed now and he's even worse.

I am 55 and looking forward to so much travel with DH, in the coming years. You deserve that too, Op.

I wish my Mum had left my Dad. She could have had an amazing retirement and travels with the right man (or friends), but all she did was sit at home and do everything, whilst my Dad ate and drank, and slept (passed out).

So what do you propose the OP does @DaffodilsGalore ? Stay in a situation that is making her unhappy and only likely to get worse, with someone who (from the information we have from her posts, which is all you have too) refuses to even clean his teeth? Who can use the internet to make purchases but not organise his own medical appointments?

If he's depressed the only person who can accept help is him and the OP has made it clear that he won't.

This is going to sound harsh but leave as soon as you can. Whatever accommodation he ends up with us up to him. He can use a telephone. Please concentrate on you.

Whilst you are there and even if you are struggling social services will allow you to.

My DGF had a couple of stokes and he fought to be able to walk and do things. It would take him a long time initially to do anything but as he said he had all day and gradually his strength and speed built up. And he was much older than your husband. Your husband is not even trying and is regressing. He will not do anything because he is using this to control you.

You could have 40 more years of this or 40 years of peace.

You are allowed to be selfish. It’s your life. You weren’t put on this earth to subsume your entire being to someone else.

I’d sadly leave the love of my life in this situation, if he was refusing to take on his part of the burden with personal hygiene, consideration for me etc. Disability makes these things harder but my partner has to show effort.

Can I just come back to this monstrosity of a post from earlier today.

If OP were replicating his behaviours she would be told to that her disabilities are secondary to obesity and poor mental health, and that she needs to get that fixed first. As does this man.
Actually, OP leaving might be the best thing to happen to him in that it will be the impetus for his like to be improved. He could start weight loss injections, get some exercise and al the rest: if one was cynical, he’s going to have to any way to find his next victim.

Asking someone to sacrifice the rest of their life and failing health on the man described in the OP is so fucked up I can hardly believe such misogyny still exists.

The fact that you read the OP and thought he owes her nothing, and she owes him more is astonishing. You wouldn’t give that advice to a daughter if she was lumbered with 26 stone of unwashed laziness.

"Actually, OP leaving might be the best thing to happen to him in that it will be the impetus for his like to be improved."

Agree. Op is just enabling him at this point.

Interesting article in the Times the other day stating the opposite. Men are far more likely to leave

Leave. If you stay, neither of you will be happy. If you leave, you will be free to enjoy life and maybe he will learn to take some responsibility for himself. You've done your bit.

In reality, those vows mean nothing when youre at the point of leaving/divorcing. Youve only got one life and this lady needs to leave and live hers

Your thinking better be selfish.
Because if you don’t think about you first, who will?
It’s okay to be selfish.
“It’s okay to be shellfish,” exclaimed the lobster (massive eye roll).

Now I feel even worse as he says he can’t go on without me.

So he's trying to guilt you into staying because he wants to keep his housekeeper, personal maid, cook, cash point, organiser....

The more pertinent consideration is can you go on with him? And I wouldn't blame you in the slightest if you answered no.

As opposed to actual real evidence?

Statistically if the boot was on the other foot, he would have left you by now. Now there are some occasions where the loving husband does stay with his wife till the very end, but from the very limited information about your DH in this post - I don’t think he’d be in that minority.

He sounds awful OP. Breaking your foot by jumping off a lorry also sounds like a weak excuse to be in the state he is now. There's plenty of things he could have done to stay in shape and help you around the house - even if he couldn't work. It's his own self pity which has got him to this point. You don't owe him your life. Good luck OP.

That sounds like a very miserable life OP. I don’t think you should spend another second there. Set yourself free!! He has used you. Taken you for granted. Expected too much of you. You only get one shot at life and you’ve given too much to him already.
You owe it to yourself to live your own life. You might find you no longer need the anti depressants.
Don’t wait to arrange his care. He must to that. Just go. Settled the finances via solicitors.

@Midnight19

Go and be free. I read this thread thinking go before your mental health is impacted but I see it already has been. Hopefully, something that can be reversed once you are free from this situation.

You must be absolutely shattered and completely mentally drained. It would be a very different story if he was trying to do his part but he's not.

He wants all the effort from you while making zero himself. That's not a relationship of equals and it's so disrespectful that he takes your support for granted.

Be honest with yourself, the position was reversed, would he really have helped you? You know the answer is he wouldn't have done half of what you did.

You aaren't responsible for his mental or physical health. He is. By refusing to help himself he's sucking the life out of you. It's like contagion.

Go while you can.

The ‘good disabled’ is an expression.
One that says that disabled people who pushed through and do things ‘but differently ’ are great humans. Like Paralympic athletes. Those who still go to work. Climb mountains. You get the gist. But those who dint (because they can’t) are scroungers who aren’t even trying.
It says nothing about who your dh is or isn’t and whether he is a good man (which I’m sure he was).

The same expression is used about ‘the good immigrant’ btw

If he was dying his best and taking care of himself they might not be in this situation. Not brushing his teeth????

You appear to be harbouring internalised ableism, at best. Do. Better.

You leaving him might be the kick up the arse that he needs to sort his life out! You might be doing him a massive favour by leaving! Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom to bounce back up.

And men say to love and to cherish. Has OP’s husband done this?

You are still young (I feel young at 66)
You have a life to live. Go!

But he isn't! He can do things for himself but will not because she is there to do it for him. She has a right to her own life.