Guilt at wanting to separate from disabled husband

[Midnight19]

Should I honour my marriage vows and stay? I’m 54 and my husband is 58. Together for 26 years. He has been prone to accidents and health issues and not worked for most of the time we’ve been together. He also has nocturnal epilepsy so never driven. I have taken on more and more and now registered as his informal carer. I have always worked full time and covered most bills and mortgage. Unfortunately no children. Now he is waiting on an operation to fix a fusion in his foot. He has let himself go, now 26 stone, not brushing teeth, not showering, looks like he will need a wheelchair indoors soon. I assist him with dressing, undressing, showering (when he wants), all drinks and meals and run the household. We are waiting for a social care assessment as I’m done. I don’t see him as a husband anymore and have no interest in having a sexual relationship. Actually I resent him. I told him months ago how I felt, suggesting divorce or an open marriage maybe. He buried his head in the sand so yesterday I raised it again and said he needed outside help from social care and to not rely on me so much as I wanted to separate. Now I feel even worse as he says he can’t go on without me. I feel stuck and holding all the responsibility again. He’s told me that otherwise I have to sort out full time care for him. Do I give up and stay? I know the grass is not always greener, giving up our home, trying to rent with dog, being on my own. But I’m tired of being the grown up.

Exactly. Just like my relative's husband. There's definitely mental health issues at play with her husband too, but he won't engage about it, so what can you do in that situation? Every so often, and this stretches over years, there'd be an attempt to discuss the situation but it's impossible, he either says shes "shouting" at him (she's not but she is raising her voice because she's so exasperated) or he will literally put his hands over his ears. Like a child. So she's given up now, and anyway, his health is so bad that its too late for him to improve.
And you've used exactly the same words as she does. Grieving. She's grieving for the retirement she could have had.

You have one life. And at 54 most likely you’re well over half way through it. What do you want to do for the remaining years?

My dear, you deserve to be happy yourself.

If he wasn't disabled I think you'd still want to leave him. It sounds like the marriage is very, very over.

Leave, before you become even sicker and more depressed yourself.

@Midnight19 it is alright to choose yourself lovely 🌻

https://www.brainzmagazine.com/post/how-chronic-self-sacrificing-and-self-denial-impact-our-well-being-and-relationships#

The disability is a separate issue here, I couldn’t be with someone who had no interest in even keeping themselves as clean and healthy as they can manage, and has therefore made matters far far worse, with no thought of the added impacts to you. It sounds completely miserable.

So true, especially when he has helped himself to the better and left you with the worse.

Having said all that, a work colleague stayed with her (at the end blind and double amputee) abusive husband. People were delighted for her when he died.

I don’t know the practicalities but absolutely no way would I be giving the remainder of my life to such a person.

OP, save yourself.

My parents are mid-sixties and so young for their age. They have had largely good luck in health, but they have both had accidents and injuries that could have been life-limiting. Some involved hospital stays, surgery and convalescence (for my dad) and and physio/ongoing check-ins for mobility (for my mum).

Both are both very active, one has a larger social life, the other has creative pursuits, they travel, and I expect them to continue being this active, independent and mobile for at least 15 years, if not more.

What I am trying to say is that you still have many years left that could be spent feeling far happier, focusing on the things that are important to you.

Your DH is an adult, he has the ability to speak to Adult Social Services, to his GP, to request further help and support, to seek out a therapist or a support group, to research mobility solutions... By the sounds of it he also has the ability to wash and dress himself correctly.

You are not responsible for the (in)action of another sentient adult. As others have said, put your own oxygen mask on first.

You only get one life, and you've given him 26 years of yours. With the promise that things will only get worse if you stay.

I'd leave if it was me.

He doesn't need and won't get full time care. I imagine he may refuse to pick up the phone to adult social care to get the assessment he needs and if he does, anything they are likely to be able to offer won't suit him.

If this happens don't fall for the emotional blackmail OP. Nothing you've said about his health needs suggests that he doesn't have agency and can't make decisions for himself. If as has been the case to this point those decisions are poor ones, that is on him.

I'm saying this as someone who has been willingly caring 24/7 for my DH for years now. He/we tried so hard to maintain every possible shred of his independence for as long as possible and it is not his fault (complex medical bad luck) that it eventually failed. Being a long term carer to a spouse is massively difficult even if a totally free choice and impossible if the relationship is already damaged to this extent.

This. He hasn't made an effort.

Life is too short.

Does he have any siblings who could help him? Is he cognitively impaired?

Him ordering you to be his carer or arrange for his care is not on. You are still young enough to have a new and fulfilling chapter in life, either living alone or perhaps even finding a (unicorn) partner.

What would the financial split consist of?

Would you like to see the stats on men who leave their wives after a breast cancer diagnosis?

Leave. You deserve a better life.

My DH (41) fell off and was trampled by a horse in a freak accident several years back. He shattered his hip, thigh, and knee. He worked hard in physio, underwent many operations and gruelling hours of learning to walk again. He now does with a walking cane. He also undertook therapy for PTSD (we both did, actually, as I witnessed the accident), and remained fit and healthy throughout. He has an excellent job and is an active man, albeit with a walking aid.

Not once did he give up on his own personal hygiene, and not once did he leave me to it to run the household. He was and is an equal partner in all things. If he ever deteriorates physically then I will stick by him because I can see the effort he puts in to ensuring he remains as healthy as possible.

If he had ballooned to 26 stone and expected me to run around after him while he stank out the house, I'd have long been gone. Your DH has been incredibly disrespectful to you. This is not a partnership and you deserve better.

Because he is now not even brushing is teeth. Even when pretty much immobilised post an accident where I lost part of my leg, I still managed basic hygiene. He sounds completely reliant on the OP, which is not fair and not what she signed up for. I empathise, my DH had several months of me being very reliant on him and was a star, but had I given up and decided I didn't need to try to look after myself, he could quite rightly have declined to do so.

Set yourself free.

Don't get me wrong, I do think "in sickness and in health", should be honoured in a marriage, HOWEVER, in this case your husband has sabotaged his own health which is dragging you down with him and making your life a misery.

He's never helped with the housework or household finances, and you've sadly never had children (not sure why but guessing it may be because of him).

I think you've done well to be a good wife for half of your life, but this is no way to live anymore and do think you should leave him.

There are landlords that will accept dogs, wishing you all the best.

It seems like you have a lot of guilt about the "in sickness and in health" side of things, but it's worth remembering, you agreed to that as part of a mutual set of vows. And you have held your end of it up for 26 years. Can your husband honestly say he has done the same? Has he provided for you? Do you feel loved, honoured and cherished by a man who can't be bothered to brush his teeth for you?

I have a lot of sympathy for mental health issues, but there comes a point where it's like a physical illness - you have to be willing to treat it and try. If you won't, you're just wallowing, and no-one is under any obligation to take care of you.

You're not frustrated by the things your husband can't do, OP - it's the things he can do but refuses to, that are getting you down. That's just selfishness on his part. Depression aside, disability aside, it's selfishness. It's not fair to treat his wife like that. Especially not when she's turned herself inside out for him for a quarter of a century.

I have a younger friend who met and married someone with a disability, he uses a wheelchair, they had some very frank discussions about what the future might hold. But right now he has a good job, they have a toddler, he drives an adapted vehicle and they’ve been on holidays abroad, they have a good range of interests and a supportive group of friends. He uses gym equipment, eats well, and keeps himself as healthy as possible because he respects both himself and my friend. Obviously my friend has had to do some caring tasks for him all the way along but I’m pretty sure my friend is going to be there with him til the end, cause they have had so many good years together.

I don't think that you are considering leaving because DH is disabled so much as because he has lost his care and empathy for you, expecting you to provide all his needs and offering so little in return, by the sound of it. No attempt at sex, or fun, or emotional intimacy, or earning a bit of money, or even sharing the day to day tasks in the ways that are possible for him.

Your marriage is over because of his attitude, not because of his disabilities.

I have a friend who is married to a man who has cerebral palsy and uses a wheelchair. He works. He gives her as much emotional support and loyalty as she does him . He works hard within his abilities to take care of her, she does the tasks he can't do. No one takes anyone for granted.

What is your housing situation? I don't see why you need to leave a house that you co-own and paid for!

Financially we own a house together. No mortgage but loans and credit card debt. No sought legal advice yet but imagine house would have to be sold, all debts paid and then proceeds split. My fear is that I would lose out financially as he is disabled, relies on benefits and may have higher living costs? Neither of us would be able to afford to buy again so both looking at trying to get rented properties. I’m hoping the local council may be prepared to consider him. I made an application a few weeks ago based on both of us as this house is not suitable for him long term due to the stairs. I just hope that I would not have to sacrifice my salary or pension and not be able to afford anything decent to rent. He receives DLA PIP or the equivalent here in Scotland.

You sound so sad and worn down as if he is sucking the life out of you .

I had a friend whose husband was very similar. Seeing how she would tie herself in to knots to try and keep him happy and to help was awful. He had absolutely no consideration for her nor would he try to help himself.
He told everyone she left him because he was disabled. She didn’t. She left him because he was a nasty manipulative man who made no effort and treated her badly.
Completely different issue to the disability. He was just a horrible man!

Look after yourself. No one else is going to and certainly not him.

Do you want to look back and feel that you have wasted your life?

I’m with OldGothsFadeToGrey
Go live your life OP !
He’s clearly given up on his a long time ago , don’t let him bring you down with him !
I realise he’s disabled but I can tell from your post he’s no help to himself , all doom & gloom ..
You deserve to be happy x

OP you have to look after yourself as well. If your DH refuses to look after himself at all it really isn’t on you to do it for him.
I think you really need to get proper legal advice as to how everything would be split.
It sounds as though you have already emotionally detached really so it’s a question of how and when to start the proceedings really.

The truth is if you did leave other ways of supporting your husband would prob be put in place , carers etc as his health demands decline or would he step up himself ?? .
Im afraid it’s often women who bear the caring role for most family members , sad but true .

Op ask social services for , supported living accommodation for your husband, you can stay in the home, he will be put in accommodation to assist him, bathing eg, carers daily to meet his needs could be food prep, bathing, shopping, honestly these places are out there , this is what you need , you then ca visit him as frirnd/ partner without the overwhelming care responsibilities you're taken on over years, you don't need to sell your property but ss will explain this to you, of course H won't like the change but hay he needs care your burnt out , please ask about supported living, I'd there's a long wait he goes into temporary nursing home, or care package to support you at home until accommodation is ready for him

If you're in Scotland, he's entitled to a care assessment from social work.

I have a suspicion that the fact that you have your own house means that you won't be considered for a council house while you're both residents there - they might suggest a grant for adaptations or - if your husband is deemed to be disabled enough - they might suggest a stair lift.

I sound as though I'm being horrible, OP, but I'm trying to give you facts.

I know of so many people who have houses unsuited to a disability, but have been told to put a bed and a commode in the living room.

It's happened to someone I know who has severe osteoporosis.

Homecare also wanted to do that with my mum but I managed to get suitable accommodation added in my house for her. Later, we used it for my husband.

When DH was in the stroke ward, one man with no hope of recovery was discharged home. He couldn't walk and his mind was gone.

His wife was promised that they'd be given a lift, so she took him home. No lift.
She looked into paying for one himself, but he died before she could have it installed.

The chap in the bed opposite to my husband already had a disability - thalidomide malformation in his 'good hand' - so found it harder to support himself once he learned to walk again. He was promised a stairlift.

Of course, we all knew about the other couple being let down...The hospital told the couple to accept the discharge and then they'd organise the stairlift. He could live downstairs in the meantime...

The wife refused. Her husband wasn't happy, but her playing hardball paid off and they got the stairlift first.

After my husband's final hospital stay, the hospital was ready to send him home with no additional help for moving and handling. (He'd had an acute kidney injury and deteriorated in hospital.)

I took my lesson from above - and I still feel guilty about it - and told them that we lived in my house and I wouldn't have him home until they sorted out the promised bed raiser for us. (The result was that an OT quizzed DH about the state of our marriage...but I got the bed raiser.)

What I'm trying to warn you is that social work and your council's Homecare Manager will be very happy for you to finish up in a situation with your husband in bed in the middle of the living room and a commode.

If you don't want to spend your life slopping out, you need to make a move now.