Guilt at wanting to separate from disabled husband

[Midnight19]

Should I honour my marriage vows and stay? I’m 54 and my husband is 58. Together for 26 years. He has been prone to accidents and health issues and not worked for most of the time we’ve been together. He also has nocturnal epilepsy so never driven. I have taken on more and more and now registered as his informal carer. I have always worked full time and covered most bills and mortgage. Unfortunately no children. Now he is waiting on an operation to fix a fusion in his foot. He has let himself go, now 26 stone, not brushing teeth, not showering, looks like he will need a wheelchair indoors soon. I assist him with dressing, undressing, showering (when he wants), all drinks and meals and run the household. We are waiting for a social care assessment as I’m done. I don’t see him as a husband anymore and have no interest in having a sexual relationship. Actually I resent him. I told him months ago how I felt, suggesting divorce or an open marriage maybe. He buried his head in the sand so yesterday I raised it again and said he needed outside help from social care and to not rely on me so much as I wanted to separate. Now I feel even worse as he says he can’t go on without me. I feel stuck and holding all the responsibility again. He’s told me that otherwise I have to sort out full time care for him. Do I give up and stay? I know the grass is not always greener, giving up our home, trying to rent with dog, being on my own. But I’m tired of being the grown up.

@Taliah5 absolute nonsense. The stats - which are likely underreported - say otherwise.

Men will expect women to stick to the letter of in sickness and health when they want a nurse maid and arse wiper but will hightail it out of there when they are even remotely inconvenienced by their wives illness.

he has contributed the grand total of fuck-all to OPs life. Only been a cost then a burden.

She should go. Not least because he may get the kick up the backside he needs in terms of doing some things for himself. Paid for carers won't have the time or patience to pander to his bone-idleness.

Now I feel even worse as he says he can’t go on without me

That doesn't sound like he's heard you and gives a shit how you're feeling. All he's bothered about is having you around to look after him. This is the core of the problem and sounds like it always has been. He's thinking of himself and you're thinking of him. That's gone on long enough. You have a life too and it's time you put yourself first for the years you have left. He sure as hell isn't going to put you first. He may try to make you feel guilty, but remember he doesn't feel guilty for all the crap he's put you through, and I'm talking about his selfishness here, not about the things he's been physically unable to do. He could have been caring of you and your needs all along, but he hasn't and he still isn't. That's all you need to keep in mind.

A friend tried to divorce her disabled husband - completely self-inflicted, he was an alcoholic and decided to trampoline while pissed. Fell off and hurt himself badly. It was the last straw. She was advised that because he was disabled, he would get the lion's share of their shared assets; his needs came before their kids.

Blimey, are you my relative that I just posted about?! He sounds exactly the same as her husband, minus the cream and the online shopping. Hers won't shop online, doesn't know how to do anything online and won't learn. She handles all bills, he doesn't even know how much money they have as not interested in doing any of it himself. If anything happened to her and the rest of us weren't around he'd starve to death and be found six months later half eaten by their starving pets 🙄

To give an even fuller picture, my health is now declining I am now on antidepressants and due to have X-rays for suspected arthritis in my hip and knee.

I feel due to self neglect and depression my husband is dragging me down with him. As other posters have given examples of, I am grieving a proper life and retirement of holidays, day trips etc. Even with frank discussions, nothing changes.

I was in a similar position and I divorced. He did have a valid medical condition but did nothing to help himself, exaggerated the extent of it and was happy to be completely dependant on me in every way.

Since being on his own my ex has made remarkable “progress”. He has a job again, has lost weight, socialises and goes on holidays. Make of that what you will.

22 posts on a social media chat does not constitute evidence.

What evidence do you have to support your initial statement that "Women say in sickness and in health at the altar but rarely mean it"?

You have no evidence because there is none that supports your asinine statement. You are nothing more than a dyed in the wool misogynist whose other brain cell is on life support.

Midnight, it’s well known that carers can develop health problems. I was diagnosed with a serious health condition which gave me the push to leave.

Offered counselling for depression. Won’t go and doesn’t like to admit depression

This would be a deal breaker for me. By refusing to engage with MH services, he is passing the buck to you and forcing you to pick up all the slack. I would stay only on the condition that he sought treatment and actively engaged with it. And also that he tackled his diet to improve his mobility. He needs to be more than matching the effort that he is expecting from you. He owes it to you to make the absolute best that he can from his situation, otherwise he is robbing you of your quality of life.

I read an article the other day about a young man who was seriously injured in a forklift truck accident when he fell off a bridge and the truck fell on top of him. To save his life, doctors had to perform a hemicorporectomy (amputate his lower body including his pelvis) and he also lost both arms above the elbow. Now granted, he is an exceptional person and his attitude is mind blowing, but he exercises and engages with physical therapy services to retain and improve whatever little mobility he still has. He is committed to living the fullest life he can, not just for himself but for his wife. He is one end of the spectrum and your husband is the other. I don't think your DH needs to exhibit superhuman strength but he's currently showing absolutely zero willing and it has to start with him.

I honestly think you HAVE to leave. You’re young enough to reclaim some joy in your life and you deserve it. He has proven over and over again that he is not prepared to help himself or you. If he doesn’t care enough, why should you? His negligence means that you have lost all respect for him and I truly think that’s the final death knell for any relationship.
Don’t fear the judgment of others. No reasonable person who knows the facts would dream of judging you. And it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. Save yourself.

We have friends like this wife exercising staying attractive. Husband type two diabetes ate when she was out got fat, hygiene sporadic would bath every Friday, God he still stinks after that. Needs a new hip GP gives him ozempic loses weight has the op. Regained weight. Second hip did the same. Now needs a new knee. Ozempic again. Her catholic values keep her tied to him

Your assistance is only allowing this 58-year-old baby to continue destroying both of you in comfort. His refusal to accept any help whatsoever or take any responsibility whatsoever has turned you from a helper, which is positive, to an enabler, which is negative. Therefore, for him as well as yourself, this dysfunctional relationship should end as soon as possible. You might benefit from counseling to help you separate sadness from guilt. Best wishes, dear.

Being a carer takes a huge toll.

Your husband is going to get worse because he refuses to help himself.

After my husband died, I had to have a shoulder decompression because I hurt it with all the moving and handling that was needed towards the end. I also have arthritis in my shoulder, knees, spine (and now my hands, I think) and the physical side of caring won't have helped.

You have to look after yourself, OP. If your health gets much worse, who's going to look after both of you? You have to put yourself first.

If my dh became disabled he would assume I would become his carer and visa versa. Although our marriage isn’t perfect, we’re both invested in it though and he has more than pulled his weight in the marriage.

Your life is important just as your dh’s is, you haven’t been happy for a long time, and I think if you can sort out adequate care for him then you should absolutely leave and with a clear conscience.

Your DH sounds in a bad way with his physical and mental health. But I don't think you can take another 10, 20 or 30 years of caring for him. You have made huge efforts to improve both your circumstances but instead it continues to worsen. My view is that if you decide to leave you should not feel guilty and go on to live the best life you can.

Because it's a stupid question. If the OP had took the piss like he has, people would be telling him the same thing.

I reckon if you leave he’ll sort himself out. Do it. You matter too.

I think it's morally ok to leave someone who has made little effort to help themselves and is, as such, making your life utterly miserable. I'm sorry, I can imagine how awful this must be for you.

Why don't you try and get a months respite care first. Get time to sleep and regain some.energy.

Your answer may still be the same, and the break might solidify your choice, but it might not be.

He sounds depressed and apathetic, perhaps the result of many years of ill health and low self-esteem. You told him you were prepared to end your marriage - that was the wake-up call to him to work on his mental health, start brushing his teeth and showering regularly, something. Months have gone by and he hasn't. It sounds like he could have been running the household or taken care of his own personal care, but hasn't. You've taken responsibility for most things, but you can't be responsible for his attitude and choices.

Don't feel guilty. Leave as it's the only way you will survive

He is not your responsibility. 'For better or for worse' doesn't mean that one person can completely let themselves go and take the other person down with them. Of course his disability isn't his fault but his reliance on you to do EVERYTHING now absolutely is.

You only get one life. Go and do something wonderful with yours.

Leave. Social services won't see him as a priority because you're there (I work for them). His case will be prioritised if you leave and inform them that you have done so and that he requires a carer.

He can't or won't change OP. He'll be the same in the future as he is now whether you're in his life or not. Salvage your future.