Guilt at wanting to separate from disabled husband

[Midnight19]

Should I honour my marriage vows and stay? I’m 54 and my husband is 58. Together for 26 years. He has been prone to accidents and health issues and not worked for most of the time we’ve been together. He also has nocturnal epilepsy so never driven. I have taken on more and more and now registered as his informal carer. I have always worked full time and covered most bills and mortgage. Unfortunately no children. Now he is waiting on an operation to fix a fusion in his foot. He has let himself go, now 26 stone, not brushing teeth, not showering, looks like he will need a wheelchair indoors soon. I assist him with dressing, undressing, showering (when he wants), all drinks and meals and run the household. We are waiting for a social care assessment as I’m done. I don’t see him as a husband anymore and have no interest in having a sexual relationship. Actually I resent him. I told him months ago how I felt, suggesting divorce or an open marriage maybe. He buried his head in the sand so yesterday I raised it again and said he needed outside help from social care and to not rely on me so much as I wanted to separate. Now I feel even worse as he says he can’t go on without me. I feel stuck and holding all the responsibility again. He’s told me that otherwise I have to sort out full time care for him. Do I give up and stay? I know the grass is not always greener, giving up our home, trying to rent with dog, being on my own. But I’m tired of being the grown up.

How much of his disability and lack of mobility is due to genuine poor health and accidental injury, and how much of it is due to self neglect? I think this would sway my decision.

If my DH needed me to care for him because he was unable to do so through no fault of his own, I would do it without question. I would do anything he needed. But if he just stopped caring for himself because he thought he could outsource that to me? Having me showering him and dressing him because he didn't want to do it himself, or make good decisions that allowed him to do it for himself? That would feel beyond disrespectful to me.

Is he depressed OP? Self neglect is obviously a huge sign that he's mentally unwell.

I think I would be tempted to have a final, cards on the table discussion. And it wouldn't be pretty. No holding back. And I'd be expecting maximum effort from his end to seek out and engage with all relevant services to treat MH and physical issues, plus a complete overhaul of his diet and some exerted effort to improve his mobility. He is asking you to give up your freedom, be a full time career, give up on any kind of romantic life. The very fucking least he could do in exchange is put 110% effort into improving his situation so that your quality of life is as good as it can possibly be.

Imo he isn't sick. He is in a situation he created himself. Why should op suffer for his bad choices?

You don't need to feel guilty, you've gone above and beyond and then when you've told him you can't keep going like that he's done nothing to help the situation.

He's taken advantage of you and not tried to nurture a relationship, why should you stay?!

Re the marriage vows, ask yourself how is he honouring the marriage vows? Do you feel loved and cherished?

Well hopefully she would brush her teeth and shower and not put on so much weight.

If he still wanted to leave her then there would be nothing she could do.

Go, go now before something else happens and things get worse and you really can’t leave.

It would seem that he has a large part to play in where he is now - and staying is similar to staying with an alcoholic - enabling behaviour that is only going to deteriorate even further.

You do know vows are said by both parties?

They also say "love and cherish", I don't see the DH doing much loving or cherishing here.

You do not have to organise his care..if he can use the telephone he can do it. He just needs to alert social services. You dont need to have left either. Social care doesn't automatically fall on spouses anymore

Don't be ridiculous: he's been freeloading his entire life with OP. Massive difference between a disabled person who tries their best where they can and someone who cannot be arsed and will happily see their loved one be ground down trying to keep their sorry arses alive.

I think the reverse is rather more common, medics and carers who have experience of this say it's not that unusual for married or cohabiting men to piss off after, say, a diagnosis of life limiting or terminal illness.
It wouldn't surprise me at all, i think some men would find it much more difficult to cope with such a situation . Namalt, obviously.

It's not very clear but why can't he shower himself or dress ? What disability does he have that prevents that ?
I don't think you are selfish to want to leave . It sounds like you have been doing a lot for a long time . Which is harder when the person's not making any effort to help themselves. Especially if he is capable.

You are his carer not his wife and you need to live your life for you. I suspect when you leave he will become more capable because he likes that you do everything.

You need to do what is best for you now. I made a very difficult decision to leave my obese husband when he refused to do anything for himself or our DD's. He expected me to work full-time and then do all of his personal care, cooking, washing, cleaning and spend every evening out of the home driving him to nowhere in particular because he wouldn't leave the house during the day. He expected our DD to look after him when I was working and I wasn't having that.
It was the best decision I made and it made him turn his life around.
You are NOT being selfish for thinking of yourself.

I have a relative in the same position. Her husband has a lung condition due to years of heavy smoking. He has never seriously tried to give up, even after having throat cancer he couldn't or wouldn't stop. Over the last decade his health has declined rapidly because he doesn't act on any of the advice that the various healthcare professionals that work with him advise, so that now he can do nothing. He's not old, but he looks and acts like a frail 90 year old.

Sits in the chair in his pyjamas and dressing gown, doesn't wash because"it's too tiring" doesn't go out except to medical appts. He's made the situation worse by being so inactive that his leg muscles are wasting, and he's been told that is nothing to do with his illness, that's on him. When the healthcare professionals visit him, he acts all enthusiastic about all their suggestions, e.g going for a short, slow daily walk & building it up gradually, (He's been told to try that years ago but never has) but when they're gone he just doesn't do any of it. Then when they ring up to check on his progress he won't speak to them, but wants my relative to do it, and LIE and say he's been doing it 😡shee refuses to lie for him, thankfully)

I get so cross, and so sorry for my relative. She had a heart attack about ten years ago & had to be resuscitated-she nearly died and the family though this is the thing that will really wake him up and make him change, as he was absolutely beside himself with worry and he wasn't so bad then, he could help around the house and with meals etc. And he did change, for about a week. Then he just lapsed straight back into being pathetic again! She feels resentful because she knows their life needn't have become like this. But then she feels guilty.They used to love holidays and now she's finally retired early,they can't go anywhere or do anything together because he's allowed himself to get so bad. She can't even go anywhere with anyone else, because he relies on her so much. He was told years ago that if he followed the professionals advice, there was no reason he wouldn't still be able to go out on day trips and on holidays, even abroad, for years. But none of it's possible now.

So, in my opinion the OP should go. She's had years of looking after someone who could have helped themselves to mitigate their health problems, but didn't and now, like my relative, it's ruining her life as well as his own. As my relative says, it's not that he became ill that she resents, because that's marriage, in sickness and in health etc etc. If he had a condition that he could do nothing about, she'd care for him and accept it. The resentment comes from knowing it needn't have been this way if only he'd done something about it.

To answer some of the queries, my husband was fifteen stone when we met, working and cycling to get around. He was knocked over by a taxi at a pedestrian crossing. Broken ribs, broken ankle. Recovered from this and went back to work. Jumped off a lorry he was unloading and the broke bones in his foot. Several surgeries later still has poor mobility. Never worked since. Wheelchair for outdoors. Offered counselling for depression. Won’t go and doesn’t like to admit depression. Always had sweet tooth and eats a lot of snacks. Could brush teeth, put on deodorant without help but doesn’t. Needs to put cream on his legs but says he doesn’t like touching cream so doesn’t do it. Very fussy eater so difficult to change diet and now I don’t have the energy to do better meals. Buys stuff online and then gets into a mess with money. Had to help him sort this out. I deal with arrangements for doctors, hospital, dentist, optician etc as he doesn’t remember or doesn’t want to sort it out.

I have a friend who was in a similar situation - worked full time, cared for their partner doing all the housework, cooking etc. Partner didn't help themselves & many of their health problems were as a result of them neglecting themselves. My friend was mentally & physically exhausted & eventually left. Funnily enough the partner started to remember to take their medications without needing to be prompted, they were able to get themselves to the supermarket, deal with their bills and household admin and generally became independent.

I think your husband is very depressed and all the focus in your marriage is on all the things he can't do not what he can do. He needs goals and you both need things to look forward to.

I'm not sure I would go through all the hassle of divorce I would just gradually stop doing things for him, stop feeling guilty and leave him to sort himself out whilst I live my life but remain married and don't have the hassle of finding someone new to live etc.

i think statistics show that he wouldn't be asking Dadsnet, and wouldn't be feeling guilty and, in fact, to have already left years ago.

Being blunt, she'd still have the hassle of living with someone who doesn't wash and stinks.

and men?
what do they say? promise? do?

Honestly people showing a real lack of understanding about clear issues with mental health here.

OP should leave but the way people are talking about DH and stigmatising him for something that is clearly related to MH is crazy. No one shuts down and stops taking care of themselves like this because of laziness

Call you local authority OP, tell them you’re leaving and then start planning a future for yourself. No need to feel guilty. You’ve been providing free care for a long time. You deserve to be happy

OP, I think your husband is trapped in the resentment that he feels about the bad luck in his life. For whatever reason he can't find the motivation to improve his situation and so he is expressing his resentment by sabotaging your life; grinding you down to his level to make himself feel better.

You promised 'in sickness and in health'. It is understandable you don't like the situation and want to leave, and you probably will.

She didn’t promise ‘in laziness and filth’.

He needs to telephone social services and arrange for somebody to come and do an assessment.
I'm sorry, I know your husband is likely depressed, but he does need to get a grip and do the things he can do himself, have some pride. You need to be hard I'm afraid, he's gotten away with doing far too little for too long.