Pregnant and partner doesn't want it, he already has two teenagers from past relationship

[katandtwocats]

I've just found out i'm unexpectedly pregnant, I've been on the pill though was very unwell with norovirus over the Christmas holidays immediately followed by the flu, have been under a-lot of stress, I literally just started a new job. I'm now about 7 -8 weeks.
I've been with my partner for almost two years, he already has two children from a previous relationship ages 11 and 15. He is 10 years older than me, i'm 37 he is 47.
About 9 months into our relationship he told me he didn't want any more children, which was total a shock to me at the time. I almost ended things then, as although I wasn't sure about children myself, I didn't want to close the door completely. It has just never been the right time for me and i've ended up in bad relationships. I'd come out of a toxic 13 year relationship, thought I would have had a baby with him but so relieved I didn't in the end, so in my mind I'd put having my own children on hold. Admittedly should have discussed life goals with new boyfriend, but it was so refreshing to be with somebody I finally had so many shared interests with. By the time he told me didn't want more children, it was too late, I'd already fallen for him and wasn't ready for another break up.
We've had a great year together since. He is loving, caring and we enjoy each others company going out together and staying in. I don't really know his children though, he keeps them separate from our relationship, he says he wants to introduce me in his own time and I've been patient with that. To be honest I enjoy it just me and him, but I find it difficult being a secret.

I found out I was pregnant 3 weeks ago, I didn't want to tell him. My mind jumped straight to abortion. I even thought about getting an abortion and not telling him as I was worried about his reaction. I contacted a clinic who is explained the process to me, and they offered me counselling, after talking to them I suddenly found the idea of abortion totally terrifying. I lied on the phone and told the clinic it was what I wanted, so they posted me the medicine. When it arrived I felt sick, burst into tears and have not touched it. It's sitting in the box unopened.

After talking to a close friend first, I decided to tell my partner about the pregnancy, he was of course shocked. He has completely freaked out.
The next day he emailed me (he does that sometimes) to tell me all the reasons why this can't happen and this isnt what he wants. He says he feels too old and tired, he's already lived that part of his life. He is worried he can't change jobs, he won't be able to retire or be able to afford sendings his two kids to University. He said it impacts their lives, he doesn't want to start a new family full stop. I feel like he's panicking and all his responses revolve around him and his kids. He is also worried his kids will lose trust in him.

This really upset me as he is so kind and caring normally. I think deep down, I want to have the baby and I want him to accept me as a part of his family. I feel like I will ruin his life and I am forcing it on him. Though I'm also worried, being 37 how much longer do I realistically have, my biological clock is ticking, maybe this my only chance. I don't want to throw away our relationship, to just go find some random guy on dating apps to have a baby with.

I feel like he will still support me, since he's saying he has to make all these sacrifices. I don't know what that will do to our relationship. I've seen what a devoted father he is to his own kids, he goes all soppy whenever he sees a baby. He hasn't mentioned abortion yet, but I know it's what he wants me to do. I'd be going against his wishes if I decide to keep it, I feel like i'd be getting the abortion for him and not for me. He just said he doesn't want to do it again, he doesn't want to start a new family.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to tell him I think I want to keep it. I feel I could manage on my own, I'd need support from my family. I don't want to deprive his children from the opportunities he's promised. Am I being selfish to want to keep it?

The baby might not be either. Have you seen all the posts on here about people going NC with their parents?

They’re probably the ones posting on those threads telling people they shouldn’t be NC because parents all do their best and we should be grateful that we were fed and clothed.

People forget too that single parents aren’t always on benefits, do have fulfilling careers that pay well and also own houses. I know lots of single parent households like this including my own that are way above the poverty line and have an income higher than some two parent families. Not leaving the two dysfunctional relationships I was in would have caused far more damage.

I don't disagree that some ( most) single parents do a great job in often difficult circumstances. However the evidence is that 2 people in a middle of the road marriage will on average still do better than some one going it alone. This narrative that children are unaffected by marital breakdown is disingenuous.

Have the baby. If you want it do not have the abortion.
I find him bery selfish tbh. Seems to me that it’s all about what he wants.

I think we're just supposed to be grateful to be born in their eyes.

Would you like to explain what's so funny about my post?

Marital breakdown is not the only reason people become single parents. There is also death of a partner, accidental pregnancies from brief encounters, the results of SA, illnesses (physical and mental) preventing a parent being present, parents who walk away, single parents by choice. And then yes, marital breakdown which cannot always be avoided. Think abusive and/or toxic relationships, cheaters, partners who have been deceitful in other ways (gambling, debt, alcohol etc).

You think all those children would be better off with the two biological parents living in the same house? Or shouldn't have been born? Or, they should have been born but their parents circumstances could then never, ever change?

But you cannot argue with the data. There are countless scientific peer-reviewed studies over the past few decades showing measurable differences in outcomes for children from single parent households. The outcomes are worse EVEN when adjusted for income differences and EVEN when adjusted for children’s exposure to marital strife in a two-parent household.

of course there are outliers in any cohort but the odds significantly favour the children raised in two parent homes. People who want the best for their offspring should hold out for that scenario, not hope their child will defeat the odds like Barak Obama (who btw had very present grandparents who partially raised him while his anthropologist mother was abroad.)

I don't dispute the data, but life doesn't fit neatly into some sort of equation. I don't think we need data to know what the ideal scenario is - we all know it. We just need common sense to know that life often doesn't allow for ideal circs. You can't surely be arguing that this baby is better off terminated because it might not have two parents who live with it?

@Hwi who is this elderly partner you speak off 😂

Well, sure, but what's your point? That women should stay in abusive marriages? That they physically tie down a partner who's bent on walking out? That they put up with repeated infidelities? The ones in the middle-of-the-road marriages aren't usually the ones getting divorced. I don't know where this narrative sprang from that most divorces are perfectly avoidable and are due to the parents' silly whims. Most divorces happen because they are just unavoidable. And I don't like the children being tarred as disadvantaged because of it.

Right?! As if he's elderly at 47!!

No, silly me. He is in the first flush of youth. That is why the NHS have been inviting him for his free health test for the past 7 years - you know, the over 40s free health check?

That perhaps people should be far more thoughtful and selective about who they mate with, should spend more time preparing for parenthood, should be married before conception and be careful about contraception so they don’t “fall pregnant” in shitty circumstances

As a woman sexually active since age 17, no one but me ever controlled my reproductive status. I made appropriate and effective and backup contraception Job One. If someone chose to not use a condom to back up my method, PIV didn’t take place.

if I agreed to be responsible for contraception that meant being diligent , not oops i forgot, with MAP and abortion as backup. Because I am a responsible adult who didn’t want to produce a child in sub-optimal circumstances. It’s not a game.

You’re obsessed with misogyny. Could you come up with another word in your posts and have a more balanced viewpoint please. It’s slightly tiresome.

No, I’m not aware of any over 40s health check on the NHS actually. Not saying there isn’t one, but if there is I have never heard of it! I never said first flush of youth but still come on.

Yes, but you have to accept that not everyone is as perfect as you are!

Yes the statistics show that on average most of the time those children would do better living with both biological parents. But as I said most single parents do a great job. It is always helped by :
a) Enough money
and
b) Not continuing to have multiple children with different partners.

Explained well in this book :
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Two-Parent-Privilege-marriage-increased-inequality/dp/1800753764/ref=asc_df_1800753764?mcid=6f438b848d183936a48ffef732806fc6&th=1&psc=1&hvocijid=4898907039310213534-1800753764-&hvexpln=74&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=696285193871&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=4898907039310213534&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9045120&hvtargid=pla-2281435176458&psc=1&gad_source=1#immersive-view_1742276068584

There is a spectrum, someone up thread said 42% of first marriages end in divorce. 46% of British 14 years old are not living with both biological parents ( I realise some never have and some parents were never married). I don't believe that 42% of all marriages are unsalvagable or unlivable with. It is also highly defined by social class - it is an interesting phenomena. Not something easy to discus IRL.

So yes, you think better being in a toxic environment because of both biological parents than in a single parent home, because of one book?

For clarity, my parents are still together, I'm still married to DH whose parents are still together. No nerves hit for me. Just a big believer that no one is better off in a toxic or abusive environment for any reason.

Because I am a responsible adult who didn’t want to produce a child in sub-optimal circumstances. It’s not a game.

Quite frankly that’s a shocking response to a thread where the OP pregnant, wants the baby and needs some support - not a telling off!!!

Maybe of the males in these scenarios took some responsibility for their own actions and were more supportive OP wouldn’t be in this position - she would be in a loving relationship where babies would be welcomed. You don’t get to shag freely and not expect a baby! He knows how they are made.

You believe 42% of marriages are " toxic" ( whatever that means) or abusive ? 46% of relationships which were committed enough to bring a child into?

As other's have said it is not one book there is an enormous amount of evidence. Just last week the goverment published a paper on it

I'm asking you a direct question. Do you think it's better for a child to be raised by both biological parents if it makes for a toxic environment?

And if 42% of marriages end in divorce, those people had a reason to end it. Staying together despite that reason "for the children" will lead to a bad environment for everyone. I don't believe they started as a toxic environment, but if you force people to stay together when one has betrayed the other or there's been a breakdown of the relationship, it's going to become toxic.

But women have all the power when it comes to reproductive, and also bear more of the tangible & intangible costs. It behooves them to be extra careful.

Saying what men “should” do is irrelevant because we know they don’t. And we don’t have to let male irresponsibility affect us. That’s a choice. We are totally in control.

With more power comes more accountability for choices. If one isn’t in a good stable suitable marriage and financially stable, and is not willing to abort, the choice to eschew multiple forms of contraception at each recreational sex act, and to fail to have the MAP on hand, is irresponsible. It’s really not that difficult to prevent unplanned pregnancy.

Creating a new human is not an oops like bashing the car or running up credit card debt. It’s not a few months with a cute baby. It’s a huge deal with potentially 100 years ramifications and must be undertaken responsibly.