Pregnant and partner doesn't want it, he already has two teenagers from past relationship

[katandtwocats]

I've just found out i'm unexpectedly pregnant, I've been on the pill though was very unwell with norovirus over the Christmas holidays immediately followed by the flu, have been under a-lot of stress, I literally just started a new job. I'm now about 7 -8 weeks.
I've been with my partner for almost two years, he already has two children from a previous relationship ages 11 and 15. He is 10 years older than me, i'm 37 he is 47.
About 9 months into our relationship he told me he didn't want any more children, which was total a shock to me at the time. I almost ended things then, as although I wasn't sure about children myself, I didn't want to close the door completely. It has just never been the right time for me and i've ended up in bad relationships. I'd come out of a toxic 13 year relationship, thought I would have had a baby with him but so relieved I didn't in the end, so in my mind I'd put having my own children on hold. Admittedly should have discussed life goals with new boyfriend, but it was so refreshing to be with somebody I finally had so many shared interests with. By the time he told me didn't want more children, it was too late, I'd already fallen for him and wasn't ready for another break up.
We've had a great year together since. He is loving, caring and we enjoy each others company going out together and staying in. I don't really know his children though, he keeps them separate from our relationship, he says he wants to introduce me in his own time and I've been patient with that. To be honest I enjoy it just me and him, but I find it difficult being a secret.

I found out I was pregnant 3 weeks ago, I didn't want to tell him. My mind jumped straight to abortion. I even thought about getting an abortion and not telling him as I was worried about his reaction. I contacted a clinic who is explained the process to me, and they offered me counselling, after talking to them I suddenly found the idea of abortion totally terrifying. I lied on the phone and told the clinic it was what I wanted, so they posted me the medicine. When it arrived I felt sick, burst into tears and have not touched it. It's sitting in the box unopened.

After talking to a close friend first, I decided to tell my partner about the pregnancy, he was of course shocked. He has completely freaked out.
The next day he emailed me (he does that sometimes) to tell me all the reasons why this can't happen and this isnt what he wants. He says he feels too old and tired, he's already lived that part of his life. He is worried he can't change jobs, he won't be able to retire or be able to afford sendings his two kids to University. He said it impacts their lives, he doesn't want to start a new family full stop. I feel like he's panicking and all his responses revolve around him and his kids. He is also worried his kids will lose trust in him.

This really upset me as he is so kind and caring normally. I think deep down, I want to have the baby and I want him to accept me as a part of his family. I feel like I will ruin his life and I am forcing it on him. Though I'm also worried, being 37 how much longer do I realistically have, my biological clock is ticking, maybe this my only chance. I don't want to throw away our relationship, to just go find some random guy on dating apps to have a baby with.

I feel like he will still support me, since he's saying he has to make all these sacrifices. I don't know what that will do to our relationship. I've seen what a devoted father he is to his own kids, he goes all soppy whenever he sees a baby. He hasn't mentioned abortion yet, but I know it's what he wants me to do. I'd be going against his wishes if I decide to keep it, I feel like i'd be getting the abortion for him and not for me. He just said he doesn't want to do it again, he doesn't want to start a new family.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to tell him I think I want to keep it. I feel I could manage on my own, I'd need support from my family. I don't want to deprive his children from the opportunities he's promised. Am I being selfish to want to keep it?

If you want the baby, have the baby. Assume you'll be doing so alone, and don't expect him to suddenly in the space of 7-8 months be comfortable introducing his pregnant secret girlfriend to his teenagers and them all taking you into their family as a big blended family together. I'd say the chances of that are basically zero, so prepare mentally to do it alone if you want to do it, which it sounds like you do.

Nobody needs two parents.

It might be ideal - IF both parents are good parents - but that's all, ideal.

Some of the highest achieving people on this planet were raised by a single parent.

Some of the worst scum were raised by two parents..

The most miserable people I know are my childless female friends

You sound like a great friend to them(!).

And no-one had the right to demand the destruction of a potential child, because they couldn't be arsed to have a vasectomy or use condoms.

Quite.

I completely agree with you. I don’t absolve her partner of any contraceptive responsibility whatsoever. However, as women it is us who ends up pregnant and us who ends up being single parents to unplanned babies if our partners aren’t on board, and as it’s us who pays the ultimate price for unplanned pregnancy I think it’s sensible for us to take charge of contraception.

Although I would say if I was a 37 year old woman dating a nearly 50 year old man with teens I’d have asked him immediately if he would have more children. That goes both ways. & when he did emphatically say he was not interested in more kids she stuck around for another year and a half.

If you read any of my other replies you’d now I don’t think OP is lying or got pregnant deliberately.

I think she knew fine well she was taking a risk by not using her contraception as she was supposed to but didn’t care if she got pregnant. I think she thought “if it happens it happens & I’m sure DP would come round in that case”.

She even ended by saying she hoped he would “accept her and a baby as part of his family (with the teens)” when he has made it abundantly clear he doesn’t want kids and she hasn’t even met his teens & he has reconfirmed that now she’s pregnant. So I think it’s pretty clear that OP didn’t take his “no I absolutely don’t want any kids” to mean…well if she ends up pregnant I’ll make do and we’ll be a happy family. & more fool her if that’s the case.

WTF? How is it deciet? Are you suggesting she hid being ill from him?

You sound like something out of the “Handmaids Tale”.

There are far worst things that being brought up by a single parent.

Very funny, I grant you that. But I am posting anonymously - what is the problem? I honestly state what I see - no names named, no?

What about children who lose a parent? A mother in childbirth? A father to cancer? Should the remaining parent forget their grief and immediately find a second parent?

One of my friends, his ex partner, the mother of his two boys, had mental health issues. Serious ones. She's been out of their life for 12+ years because of being unable to overcome it. Would you say that these boys, who are lovely by the way, would have been better off if she was in their lives causing the chaos she was before she walked away?

I don't think that PP meant because you were posting about them. It's because you assume they are miserable because they are childless. They may be happy and childless. They may be miserable regardless if their parental status. And yes, they may be miserable because they really wanted children and couldn't have them.

You assuming that they are childless and therefore miserable is why you sound like a poor friend to them.

If you want the baby then keep it, it is that simple but you do need to embrace the idea of being a single parent.

For someone who doesn’t want kids then he should have prioritised contraception but everyone knows that if you are unwell and vomiting then the pill is less effective

I don't think she was trying to be funny.

The irony that you are assuming that she is assuming! 😂

Maybe her single childless friends told her that is why they are miserable. I don’t know, so I won’t assume anything.

I'm not assuming. I've seen a number of her posts and inferred from those.

Maybe the posters talking about having their "right" to a baby denied to them should get therapy instead? Isn't that playing the victim? Constant whining that a man has "stolen" their fertile years. And no responsibility on themselves to actually find a damned man who actually WANTS kids. And that's not defending the men, it's in the best interests of the potential child the prospective mother claims to care about so much. But apparently that's misogyny now...

Yes anyone can die at any age, doesn't mean you shrug your shoulders and say the equivalent of "tough luck, get therapy" to people. I bet you don't say it to someone who has lost their mother, or their child...

If I was 37, pregnant and wanted a baby I’d be having the baby. If you decide to abort and break up to find someone else who does want kids it may be too late for you. Can’t imagine much worse than wanting a baby and not being able to do so!

@katandtwocats

Although you have been together 2 years, he’s actually made it pretty clear he didn’t want anymore kids and that he wasn’t actually very serious about you. He hasnt introduced you to his kids and you are still a secret after 2 years… it seems you have ignored several red flags here. I think you have deluded yourself a bit during this relationship thinking it’s more than what it is and now you’re pregnant and he doesn’t want it. So you need to take him out of the equation here and the only questions to answer are - do YOU want this baby and can you do this without him?

Jesus wept...😅😂

@Hwi - So, some of your most miserable friends are childless females, eh? Heh heh heh! Sorry to bust your biscuits, but I am childless and single - divorced, too, horrors! - and I love it! I love the peace and quiet in my house, I love not having to put up with all the utter crap that comes with relationships, and I love not having the stress and expense of child-rearing. I actively love not having children. But I'm so happy for people who do have children and love parenting. Parents are heroes, in my eyes. And we are all different and must live our lives according to what makes us happy. However, I'm sorry you hate being a mum so much. How do I know that? Because only the most miserable, regretful parents lash out at people without children and use their childless/childfree status to try to hurt them.

Tell me you don't have a 17yo without telling me you don't have a 17yo. Have a google how university maintenance loans are calculated.

This is indeed what I meant.

I agree entirely, and I have no axe to grind as I was raised by two biological parents.

Life is messy, life is not ideal. I've known of plenty of two-parent families where one parent is absolutely horrid. Sure, being raised by two lovely parents is the ideal, but we do not live in an ideal world. I've known plenty of people who started off with this set-up and it was upended by one spouse leaving.

How many people are really raised by two loving biological parents in a healthy household with no divorce, abuse, or serious marital problems? It must be less than half, given that almost half of first marriages fail, and well over 60 percent of second marriages do, and that's not counting the unhealthy marriages that stagger on, creating miserable homes filled with tension and/or abuse.

Should all the children from those marriages have never been born because their circumstances were less than the "ideal"?!

Children from single-parent households often do extremely well in life. Sometimes the maturity gained stands them in good stead. Obama was raised by a single parent, and he's done all right. So was Oprah Winfrey, Madonna, Ryan Gosling, Leonardo DiCaprio, Jodie Foster, Mariah Carey, and many more.

You play the cards you were dealt, as you do in every area of life, from talent to health to intelligence to looks.