Pregnant and partner doesn't want it, he already has two teenagers from past relationship

[katandtwocats]

I've just found out i'm unexpectedly pregnant, I've been on the pill though was very unwell with norovirus over the Christmas holidays immediately followed by the flu, have been under a-lot of stress, I literally just started a new job. I'm now about 7 -8 weeks.
I've been with my partner for almost two years, he already has two children from a previous relationship ages 11 and 15. He is 10 years older than me, i'm 37 he is 47.
About 9 months into our relationship he told me he didn't want any more children, which was total a shock to me at the time. I almost ended things then, as although I wasn't sure about children myself, I didn't want to close the door completely. It has just never been the right time for me and i've ended up in bad relationships. I'd come out of a toxic 13 year relationship, thought I would have had a baby with him but so relieved I didn't in the end, so in my mind I'd put having my own children on hold. Admittedly should have discussed life goals with new boyfriend, but it was so refreshing to be with somebody I finally had so many shared interests with. By the time he told me didn't want more children, it was too late, I'd already fallen for him and wasn't ready for another break up.
We've had a great year together since. He is loving, caring and we enjoy each others company going out together and staying in. I don't really know his children though, he keeps them separate from our relationship, he says he wants to introduce me in his own time and I've been patient with that. To be honest I enjoy it just me and him, but I find it difficult being a secret.

I found out I was pregnant 3 weeks ago, I didn't want to tell him. My mind jumped straight to abortion. I even thought about getting an abortion and not telling him as I was worried about his reaction. I contacted a clinic who is explained the process to me, and they offered me counselling, after talking to them I suddenly found the idea of abortion totally terrifying. I lied on the phone and told the clinic it was what I wanted, so they posted me the medicine. When it arrived I felt sick, burst into tears and have not touched it. It's sitting in the box unopened.

After talking to a close friend first, I decided to tell my partner about the pregnancy, he was of course shocked. He has completely freaked out.
The next day he emailed me (he does that sometimes) to tell me all the reasons why this can't happen and this isnt what he wants. He says he feels too old and tired, he's already lived that part of his life. He is worried he can't change jobs, he won't be able to retire or be able to afford sendings his two kids to University. He said it impacts their lives, he doesn't want to start a new family full stop. I feel like he's panicking and all his responses revolve around him and his kids. He is also worried his kids will lose trust in him.

This really upset me as he is so kind and caring normally. I think deep down, I want to have the baby and I want him to accept me as a part of his family. I feel like I will ruin his life and I am forcing it on him. Though I'm also worried, being 37 how much longer do I realistically have, my biological clock is ticking, maybe this my only chance. I don't want to throw away our relationship, to just go find some random guy on dating apps to have a baby with.

I feel like he will still support me, since he's saying he has to make all these sacrifices. I don't know what that will do to our relationship. I've seen what a devoted father he is to his own kids, he goes all soppy whenever he sees a baby. He hasn't mentioned abortion yet, but I know it's what he wants me to do. I'd be going against his wishes if I decide to keep it, I feel like i'd be getting the abortion for him and not for me. He just said he doesn't want to do it again, he doesn't want to start a new family.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to tell him I think I want to keep it. I feel I could manage on my own, I'd need support from my family. I don't want to deprive his children from the opportunities he's promised. Am I being selfish to want to keep it?

@katandtwocats He should have had a vasectomy if he didn't want any more children. How this progresses is entirely your decision, be that with or without him. If you decide to stay together make sure your future finances are sound, especially housing.

People who want children should find partners who do, not spend years having sex with someone who’s past all that.

And people who don't want more children should find partners who have taken permanent, reliable contraceptive steps or TAKE THEM THEMSELVES before having regular sex!!!

It's the entire point of the thread.

That's he's in zero position to be feeling betrayed or pressuring a woman to have an abortion.

a more invasive medical procedure than a vasectomy

Yeah and there was a poster on here who ended up with scarring/damage and it had an effect on her fertility.

Meanwhile the ex who'd pressured her to abort went on his merry way, with full fertility for his next partner.

If she fails to terminate the pregnancy, which currently is just a cell clump, not a baby, she certainly will be deliberately producing a human being into disadvantaged circumstances.

What misogynistic ignorant and ill-informed garbage! A child is not disadvantaged just because they don't have their sperm donor in their lives!

Realistically if you want to have a child of your own, this is probably your chance. Perhaps your only chance.

If you had an abortion and then never had a child how would you feel?

I think, whatever your decision, this relationship is probably over.

If you abort I think you will resent you partner. He may well end the relationship anyway as your needs don't actually seem very high on his priority list. You may decide you can't be with him anymore because of the abortion.

If you keep the baby he may come round but he may end things. You would need to be prepared to have this baby alone.

None of these are easy, straightforward choices. What you want though both now and in the future needs to be what you base your decision on. This choice is about you.

I strongly disagree, as do actual child development experts. People need two parents. There are countless scientifically vetted studies showing better outcomes and mental health. It’s not misogynistic to cite this.

It can be beneficial to have two parents.

But there is ZERO evidence from any child development experts that a child is disadvantaged from not having two parents. You will not find one single expert saying a child "NEEDS" two children, or that all children are 'disadvantaged' from not having both. You are completely misrepresenting anything child development experts have ever said.

Bottom line: if you have a termination and don't want one, you will blame him in the future and feel resentful. This is not an equal relationship and he doesn't see you as family or you would have met his kids by now. I managed to look after a baby on my own as a teenager so I am sure you'll cope. Time to ditch this egocentric tosser and look forward to your beautiful baby.

NO WHERE does it say she didn’t know being ill would affect it. A fact which is in the instructions of the medicine.

My point was not that she intended to deceive him. My post was in response to another poster blaming him for not having a vasectomy if he didn’t want a child. Ultimately you should be able to trust your partner to use contraception responsibly.

No one has a “right” to have a child.

A) She would have said if she knew being ill would affect it, wouldn't she?
B) It's up to you prove she is lying and didn't know. Taking the position that she lied is a cynical one and nasty position, Especially since she wouldn't have fucking ordered abortion pills if she did it deliberately, it's called common sense. And also, especially since, no, it is NOT on all the instructions, even when on the occasions there are any instructions included.

He was the one that 100% didn't want a child. The onus was on him to have a vasectomy. And he has had no reason not to trust her, since this clearly was not deliberately. Humans are fallible, not bloody machines!

Zero evidence?! There are literally thousands of scholarly investigations on the topic.

Here is one excerpt:

Growing up without both parents is associated with a host of poor child outcomes. Children from single-parent and stepparent families have higher poverty rates and lower levels of educational and occupational attainment than children who grow up with both their biological or adoptive parents (Astone & McLanahan, 1991; Biblarz & Raftery, 1993, 1999; DeLeire & Kalil, 2002; Kiernan, 1992; McLanahan & Sandefur, 1994; Wojtkiewicz, 1993). They report greater substance use and risk-taking behavior, such as smoking, drinking, and drug use (Carlson, 2006; DeLeire & Kalil, 2002; Hoffmann & Johnson, 1998). Further, these children are more likely to have sex at an early age (Davis & Friel, 2001; Thornton & Camburn, 1989), to be young and unmarried when they form their families (Cherlin, Kiernan, & Chase-Lansdale, 1995; Kiernan 1992; Kiernan & Hobcraft, 1997; McLanahan & Sandefur, 1994; Thornton 1991; Wu 1996), and to experience the dissolution of their own romantic unions (Amato & DeBoer, 2001; Kiernan & Cherlin, 1999; McLanahan & Bumpass, 1988; Wolfinger 1999).

Can be associated with. Again you will not find one that says ALL children without two parents are AUTOMATICALLY disadvantaged. You are misrepresenting what those reports say. They are NOT SAYING ALL CHILDREN WITHOUT FATHERS ARE DISADVANTAGED.

You are suggesting ALL children without are father are automatically disadvantaged. There is ZERO EVIDENCE that EVERY AND ALL children will be disadvantaged.

There are many, many, literally hundreds of thousands of children who grew up with a single mum who grew up happy, healthy, thrived and with great careers.

There are many, many literally millions of children who grew up with both parents that were abused, neglected and never got jobs.

It is incorrect to say EVERY child without a father in their lives will be a failure and disadvantaged.

Well, @Eliza,statistically the outcomes are far worse. Plus there are pragmatic reasons, like who will raise the child if the single mother dies, that in my opinion make it a bad idea to deliberately start a child off with married co-parents.

@TheHerboriste so it is better to simply not exist at all then because that is whst you are saying. Whilst the disadvantage exists it isn’t anything that can’t be overcome - the OP seems educated with a job and has money so the child already has advantages there

No, they are not statistically 'far worse'. Again, that's a misrepresentation. And never heard of god parents, aunts, uncles, even grandparents?

Who will raise the child if both parents die? Huh? Then what? You're just being silly now and throwing up what ifs and whatabouteries to defend a shallow and narrow-minded outlook.

I agree with this. I understand that a parent may not want to introduce their new partner to their DC straight away....but after 2 years (especially as the DC are teens not little ones) I would expect them to at least aware of the partner's existence if not actually met.

As it is, this man will have to shock them with the news about their half sibling as well as his partner and deal with the fallout. Unless his plan is to pressure the OP into an abortion and continue to keep quiet about her existence.

Less also please about the views that the OP must have tricked him into fatherhood on the grounds that it is 'what a lot of women do'. There is nothing in the OP's post to suggest this is true, so these viewpoints must be coming from a very cynical and misogynistic place. This man has absolutely no grounds for feeling 'betrayed'; all adults of sound mind know that pregnancy is always a possibility unless surgical steps are taken to make it impossible. A 47-year-old man should have thought about the possibility that pregnancy could occur and have a contingency plan.

She didn't even get pregnant when or straight after she was ill. She said she was ill around Christmas but got pregnant at some point in the second half of January as she is now in week 7 or 8. So I don't see how her illness a month prior to this would affect it.

What an awful thing to say ! You don’t know this woman’s conditions . I was a single mum to 2 children without any help from a state or dad for 13 years and they are far from disadvantaged compared to their peers , they saw half the world and are amazing . Do you really think all pregnancies where the father doesn’t stay with the mother should be aborted ? Wow ,what a outdated way of seeing the world

Not quite the same scenario but I have a late teenager and DP has a 6 yr old. Although he is 7 years older than me I was a very young mum and he and much older dad.

He wanted another baby but I certainly didn’t, for all the reasons. The conversation has now rested but I would have been mortified if I had somehow gotten pregnant hence why I double downed on BC (coil) and had the frank and early convo about no discussion in the very small chance we did get pregnant.

DP could have made a decision to walk away then.

Have the baby, love the baby, enjoy your life. If he stays (and you want him to) then grand, if he doesn’t then that’s also grand. Better to be a single mum than stuck in a miserable relationship, and realistically if you had a TOP would you stay with him anyway? Unlikely. Good luck and enjoy your babe xxx

OP should not be pressured or forced to have a termination that she does not want. There are many examples of successful people who came from single parent families, Barack Obama, for example.

In the UK, 42% of marriages break down so only having a baby when you are married is absolutely no guarantee that you won't end up as a single parent anyway.