Wants to split but everything stay the same

[SeparatelyTogether]

Together 12 years, married 6, 1 DD aged 8.

He’s seemed off the last few days so I asked this morning if we could talk and he admitted he’s not felt right in himself for the last year and doesn’t see us working going forward. Still loves me and DD and wants to carry on living life as it is now, sharing a home, all plans together, sharing finances, being at all of DDs events together etc, but just not actually be together or intimate.

I'm so broken, it has genuinely came out of the blue for me, beyond the usually bickers of a long term relationship I genuinely thought we were happy and a great couple and this was the furthest thing from my mind.

I want to stay as is for the sake of DD but also as practically I can’t even begin to think about how we separate on every other level, and I’ll never beg to stay together however I’m so broken and don’t know what to do.

I don’t want to talk about it to anyone in real life because how do I explain we’re breaking up but staying as we are right now, I don’t understand it so how will anyone else.

I just can’t imagine my future without him being my husband, I still love, fancy, adore him and he’s my best friend I just feel so lonely and unloved.

Has anyone ever been in this situation and it worked, you’ve been able to live harmoniously with the man you love but not together?

I’d call his bluff! I’d unemotionally tell him that’s fine he wants to split but living together whilst separated doesn’t work for you so he needs to move out. He’ll either mysteriously change his mind when it all becomes to real or he’ll fuck off snd then you know where you stand. If you don’t do the pick me dance he’ll soon come crawling back.

Who does he think he is? He doesn’t get to dictate how this works out.

Tell him to leave and file for divorce.

We are separated and under the same roof right now while we sort out the house sale, complicated admin and finances so that we can both walk away with something. It’s incredibly hard and neither of us can wait for this time to be over. And we are still good friends! This should only ever be a means to an end, OP, not a life plan. Please take control of your own narrative and tell him to do one.

Sorry you’re going through this, it really sucks

Are you coming back @SeparatelyTogether? What are your thoughts given the posts on your thread? Most of us seem to be saying the same thing!

It's almost always like this! So fucking predictable 😒

OP read up on doing a 180 in a relationship.

I could never agree to that, sorry OP. Think about what that looks like in reality. He's happy because he gets the best of both worlds, while you are miserable because you get nothing in return. You also never get to move on, not necessarily with someone else (although why shouldn't you) but you never get the chance for closure - to accept the relationship is over and build a life without him. He's treating you like a doormat, manipulating you and relying on the fact that you will be so desperate to keep the 'family' together, you'll agree to whatever crumbs of a relationship that he's prepared to throw you. If/when he finally decides to be honest and leave, you are left bitter, resentful and alone. Do you really want to waste your life like that?

Why on earth would he not want to have a romantic relationship with his wife unless a) his head has been turned and he wants to pursue it without guilt. Or b) he’s gone off you and wants to be celibate instead

I think we all know it’s not b.

He is treating you terribly. He is not your best friend. He is spineless and selfish. He knows he has a great life which is why he doesn’t want it to change it but thinks he can also pursue other romantic relationships. Only you know whether you can live with this. But think about the pain and hit to your self respect if you put up with this. The way I see it you have the following options

a) accept his proposal to keep living together, concentrate on yourself and be the best version of you, start dating other people.

b) divorce. Tell him you expect him not to have another relationship until you are living in separate houses out of respect to you and your daughter.

You won’t change his mind by begging or pleading with him. You will just push him further away. There is a chance once you start divorce proceedings or start dating he may revaluate whether he wants the inconvenience of splitting but ultimately will you ever trust him again after this?

I’m starting to think I’ve heard it all now. Seriously?
He is saying that he wants a wife and family to come home to and sex with other women? That’s what he’s really saying, dressed up in other more supposedly palatable words.
The reason you ask yourself “How is this supposed to work?” is because it doesn’t, it won’t ever work.
I don’t think splitting up would be anywhere near as painful as sitting at home at Friday night as he sails past you out through the door, dressed up and smelling of aftershave to date someone else.
It stops you from moving on and at some point some woman (if she isn’t there already) will not like him living this way anyway and he’ll just leave.
He just wants to live as a dad in his comfortable home with all services supplied by you, until he finds somebody he wants to move out with. Then he will be gone and will have had time to prepare and a comfy home to live in, but you will be blindsided as he abruptly puts an end to this ridiculous set up, he won’t care then about wanting things the same, believe me.
He will do this right up until it no longer suits him then he will leave anyway.
Do not agree to this OP, tell him if he wants to sleep with other women, he will no longer be married to you.
His selfish entitlement is off the chart.

My children mostly but I did strongly suggest we needed to split and he begged to stay for now..sounds weak from me and probably is but it is hard to push through as the only one who wants to finish. Calm, happy and functioning home for the dc feels preferable for now. I have my own life and interests, my own career so I am not terribly lonely or unhappy.

First of all I'm so sorry your going through this, give yourself some time as its such a shock to take in.

The was you say you feel I don't see how this can be healthy for you and in this situation that's who you have to look after as well as your child. So no I don't think its a good idea.

I could only ever see that working when a relationship has run it's course and both people feel the same and even then I guess that it's still difficult to navigate.

Do you want to stay in a loveless, sexless marriage where you know he has checked out?

He wants a transactional "marriage" where he is not emotionally present. He wants to be taken care of but not have to pay child support.

You need to consult a lawyer as to your rights in a divorce because I suspect this is temporary.

Hi all, sorry for posting and then disappearing, we had a good chat later that day and decided we would try to make it work

I spent the next few days being a shell
of a person crying constantly to myself (to embarrassed to tell others) and picking apart everything about myself to find what the problem was, to then putting on an act when he was home so I didn’t scare him off.

im ashamed to say I snooped but I just needed answers so tonight I snooped and each and every one of you are correct, he cheated when away with his old university fiends last week.

as much as you all said it, I just couldn’t comprehend it happening! So right now he’s currently fast asleep next to me and I’m trying to understand what now, I want him to admit it to me without me admitting it snooped, I want no part to play in coming across bad in any of this and I want him to have to look me in the face and tell me and not me tell him

Oh sweetie.

I am so sorry, but unfortunately you are about to hear so more hard truths.

He will deny deny deny. Men who do this will deny until they are blue in the face, to the point where you could literally have walked in on them shagging and he will still deny. You wont get the admission and it would be a fools errand to try.

So what you need to do now is look after you and your kids. He is now your enemy. He will play nice when he thinks he can get his own way but when he realises that you have his number it will change. So.....

If you have joint savings, remove your half (and only half) to stop him taking them. Get as much paperwork together as you can regarding his earning, bonuses, pension etc. This isnt to take him to the cleaners, but to stop him stiffing you. Same with mortgage, bills etc. You need to know what you are looking at financially. If you can afford it, see a solicitor asap. Dont show your hand yet, dont lose your shit (I did and paid a hefty price), keep that knowledge to yourself and play him as much as you can to get as much time and info in the meantime.

Grey rock everything he says "OK, I will think about that", every single time.

It is possible to come back from an affair, especially what sounds like a one off from your description. But. He is lying to you. He initially was looking for the easiest possible (for him) way to opt out of your relationship and likely pursue other options while keeping you on the hook and doing all the family / wife stuff that would help make his life convenient. It’s astonishingly selfish.

If you want to give him the chance to come clean - not expecting that he will - you can say that this whole thing was such a shock to you and it’s made you question everything and so you need to ask him directly if he’s ever cheated or is there someone else he’s interested in? You can even say (doesn’t need to be true) that you’re not angry, you understand he’s been having a hard time, but since you’ve decided to try to fix things you need a basis of honesty. When he denies you just say okay thanks for reassuring me. And then you know how much respect he has for you, you know that the idea to work on your relationship was not real. Play nice, get a lawyer, get all the financial info, and when you’re ready to serve the divorce papers you can share your evidence at that point (make sure you have screen shots). Or just the papers. You don’t actually owe him an explanation at all.

Anyway, you can take the time you need under the guise of trying to make it work, but I think you need to accept that he’s not acting in good faith and start making plans to split. Sorry, I know it hurts so much but you will just prolong the agony if you let him keep lying to you while you’re trying so hard to make it work.

Thank you so much for this advice! I took photos on my phone of the messages I found but I’m hoping I don’t have to use them, I need to try and get some sleep and while he’s working tomorrow get all of my thoughts and plans in order, my work are aware of the situation and have been amazing so thankfully thanks not an issue right now.

this shouldn’t be my life, I’m still young and will move on in time but I don’t want to, I wanted to be with him forever it’s not fair :(

You don’t need him to admit it, OP. You know what has happened. He will either deny it ( ‘how can you think such a thing of me, I’m heartbroken at your mistrust, I definitely don’t want to live with you on the old terms and ITS ALL YOUR Fault)

or

he will tell you that he did but it ‘ meant nothing to me’ ( aka she doesn’t want to live with him on a regular basis, probably because she is also married)

or

he will admit it but weep and moan and make you forgive him and probably apologise for causing him such pain ( and then he will think ‘phew got away with it, really looking forward to seeing OW next week’).

And you will never trust him again , and the distrust and resentment will eat you up, and your ‘relationship ‘ will fall apart under the stress.

you know what people have to do with a branch that has canker?…before it spreads .

Its not fair at all.

But you know who else will say it isnt fair?

Him. In a few months.

When he realises that his one off shag actually wasnt worth losing his marriage, living with his kids, a lot of money and, the big one, a wonderful woman who adored him.. That he isnt actually the catch he thinks he is. He will say that it isnt fair that you are living a good life and he isnt. He will say that it isnt fair that he has less money and has to pay more.

Its hilariously desperately sad that they all do this. But in a few months you will be proud and strong and happy. He will be broken and pathetic. And that IS fair.

I'm so sorry op. It's always the same when the 'I've not felt the same for ages' nonsense starts. Honestly, tell someone irl. Let them help support you

You should definitely get your ducks in a row and follow the good advice shared here on how to do that.

Does this seem like a one-time mistake? Are the circumstances such that, if he’s remorseful and genuinely wants to make things work, you might be able to come back from this? Or do you suspect this is just the tip of the iceberg—that he wants out or will continue the affair?

You snooped because you had just cause. If he shifts the focus from his cheating to you checking his phone, that tells you everything about his level of remorse.

In the morning, I would tell him that you’re aware of what happened while he was away—perhaps even mention specific details, like who it was with—and see how he responds. You don’t need to reveal that you checked his phone. Simply state that you know the truth, and this isn’t a debate about whether it happened or not. If he denies, deflects, or refuses to admit it, then you have your answer.

Ultimately, you already know what happened. A confession from him is only necessary if you want to rebuild the relationship.

I'm so sorry, OP.

Once the initial shock steadies, your anger will take over.

You don't need him to admit it. What he will do should you try to get him to do so is lie and deny and wriggle and squirm and twist and shift the blame onto you. 'If you hadn't ... (Insert bullshit here) I'd never have ...'

Once they've done it once, a barrier taboo has been broken. He actually asked you for the change he wanted - everything exactly the same, comfortable and convenient, while he gets to shag over the side.

And probably telling some poor mug 'oh, we live like brother and sister, really, no, she doesn't understand me, we don't sleep together, only staying for the sake of the children' bla bla blaaa.

Only you know how you want to play this. Personally I would never trust him an inch again and life would be a haze of simmering suspicion and accusations.

Let the anger in. No begging, hoping, pick me - he isn't who you thought he was or wanted him to be.

Take control of this.

All the usual 'financial and legal ducks in a row' advice.

Decide what you want (and sadly 'for this never to have happened' isn't an option. And neither should 'he gets anything he wants, if only he'll stay and it will all be like it was' be considered).

Tell him what is going to happen, tell him you know what he did. Don't ask him - tell him. Present him with it as fact. Tell him 'I have been informed that ... ' and give the details you actually got from his phone (and have the photos). Let him think she or a friend has spilled the beans.

I agree with @2JFDIYOLO

Say somebody told you. He will push for more info but you can just say you aren’t disclosing your source.

Please tell friends in real life. You are going to need that support.

I’m currently going through something similar and it’s very hard I know what I want and he doesn’t but one day he wants me and one day he’s not sure what he wants I’m trying to work out what will be best and going along with the weee ok pretence to everyone I’m not sure that I trust him at the moment but know that I love him and can’t see a life without him while I don’t have the answers I know how you feel, I believe they want their cake expression is where they are at, my best advice which I’m doing at the moment is trying to work out what I want and how to go about it we deserve better than to be strung along by someone who is more than likely seeing or chasing someone else but wants the home life with us and children, be strong and work through your feelings and wants and go from there think we need to take back control of our lives and put ourselves first for a change these men don’t deserve our 100% when they don’t give it to us

He’s just made a huge mistake. From your description of your relationship, and what he wanted (to carry on with all your plans, be together as a family) he knows the life he has is good. He has agreed to try because he is hesitant to leave a good life with a good woman. But the trouble is he is a selfish prick. He prioritised the excitement of lust and a secret affair and he blew up your family for it. The guilt was weighing on his conscience because he didn’t want to see himself as the ‘bad guy’ so he wanted to free himself from monogamy without having the guts to tell you the truth. Definition of having his cake and eating it to.

There is no coming back from what he has done to you. You won’t trust him again. If, when you had asked him what was wrong, he had broken down, confessed and begged for your forgiveness and offered to do anything to rebuild trust that is something you could have tried to work through. Instead he threw away everything you had built together like it meant nothing. Remember that when you waiver. He showed you who he is.

Don’t tell him you know about the affair. Take back control. Get everything in order. Speak to a solicitor. Once you understand your position and plan forward then tell him you know. You don’t have to explain how. The less information you give the harder it will be for him to lie or explain it away as he won’t know what you know. I’m so sorry this happened to you. If you let this go you will be back here in a couple years saying he’s left you, taken all the money etc.

Read up on 180 a the pick me dance in relationships and then take control.