Wants to split but everything stay the same

[SeparatelyTogether]

Together 12 years, married 6, 1 DD aged 8.

He’s seemed off the last few days so I asked this morning if we could talk and he admitted he’s not felt right in himself for the last year and doesn’t see us working going forward. Still loves me and DD and wants to carry on living life as it is now, sharing a home, all plans together, sharing finances, being at all of DDs events together etc, but just not actually be together or intimate.

I'm so broken, it has genuinely came out of the blue for me, beyond the usually bickers of a long term relationship I genuinely thought we were happy and a great couple and this was the furthest thing from my mind.

I want to stay as is for the sake of DD but also as practically I can’t even begin to think about how we separate on every other level, and I’ll never beg to stay together however I’m so broken and don’t know what to do.

I don’t want to talk about it to anyone in real life because how do I explain we’re breaking up but staying as we are right now, I don’t understand it so how will anyone else.

I just can’t imagine my future without him being my husband, I still love, fancy, adore him and he’s my best friend I just feel so lonely and unloved.

Has anyone ever been in this situation and it worked, you’ve been able to live harmoniously with the man you love but not together?

OP I am sorry for your situation. I can now look back on my own experience quite dispassionately as it was so many years ago ( and I later met a man who was my ‘Soul Mate’ for the rest of his life) and the best piece of advice that came from my situation is to warn others in this position that he is no longer your friend.
I found that so hard at the time. The person I loved and hoped to spend the rest of my life with, and who supported and cared for me when things went wrong had hurt me and the pain was so much more than I’d ever experienced. It was then coupled with not being able to have him comfort me as normal as he was the one causing my trauma.
My exh did something similar about living as friends. We did briefly try to see if we could work through it, or so I thought. When I again found out that he was skulking around after the OW and told him to go his response was that he had always intended to leave, but thought it was better to break up in stages!
Your H may not be so calculating, but you know he has betrayed you and you can’t trust him. Get your financial ducks in a row. I wouldn’t be as reasonable as previous posters and would get as much as I needed from joint accounts as you will also have the children to care for. Sometimes a guilty conscience around the time of separation makes the cheater temporarily quite generous with splitting assets. Be prepared to take what is offered before he changes his mind.
Best of luck. There is life after separation.

Ach that's shit OP. I refer to my post on your first page of the thread. This man is not your friend. He's playing nicey nicely for a reason. It may be he genuinely is sorry that he cheated but it would be more honest to admit he had. He's really hoping you don't know and never find out. My ex did a good line in outrage that I could even think that of him whilst having an affair. He tried the darvo tactics for a while. Asking your husband if he cheated may lead to him denying everything - mine did, until he had all his plans in place.
The question is, now you know, do you want to forgive and forget? It's possible if he truly acknowledged what he's done and you work together (and separately) on rebuilding your marriage.
Or is this the end for you? I still think you should quietly gather material to safeguard your future. Separate bank accounts, squirrel away cash and contact a lawyer. Best of luck to you

So very, very sorry.
He’s tried to punt out the suggestion that you live as you are but live separate lives and that hasn’t gone as he’d hoped, in fact it got you understandably very upset and he’d be a fool to think you weren’t highly suspicious now at the very least, so he’s backtracking to shore up his previous position and get you to believe he’s invested.
This is him in damage limitation mode and distracting you back to thinking everything is ok, whilst he either regroups and works out how to conduct this other life anyway while fooling you, or secretly gets his ducks in a row and figures out how to leave.
He’s not come to you in tears saying “What was I thinking?” and desperate to know he hasn’t hurt you with his ludicrous selfish suggestion, desperate to reassure you and make up for what he said. He’s agreed to ‘try again’. 🙄
Please don’t buy this, you know he’s capable of lying and keeping secrets, he’s doing it right now, every minute that ticks by without a confession, he’s still lying to you and keeping secrets from you.
He’s had no real kick up the arse to make him change anything about what he’s thinking. He’s still lying and he will either deny, minimise or blame you or the marriage for what he did, no cheat looks within until their world crumbles around them and even then, some never do and continue to blame others for their terrible choices.
Get advice and find out everything you can about your finances, I know this is horrendous and the pain is unbearable, but anything practical you do now, you will thank yourself for later.
Be kind to yourself, none of this is your fault, take none of the blame for this, what he did was his choice, nobody forced him.

Again thank you everyone for your advice, it’s not advice I ever thought I needed but here we are!

I asked him this morning point blank and as you all guessed it was deny deny deny, he even then said you know the password to my phone, it charges near you all night I half expected you to check, so that was my moment to say well I did and you didn’t realise you can retrieve deleted iMessages so I know everything. He went silent and before he could even start to say I wasn’t happy blah blah blah I shut that down straight away and made it clear I want no other excuse other than he’s a disgusting excuse for a man which he agrees. He tried to call it a mistake which is when I reminded him a mistake would be it happening when you were drunk, you took it beyond mistake when you have continually been in contact daily and planning the next meet up. Knowing this has given me the validation that I won’t be going back.

we’ll talk tonight about what it means now going forward, I’m sad and angry but weirdly knowing has helped me, I’m no longer picking apart every little bit of myself and know that he’s lost the best thing that ever happened to him.

What this means now and how the future home, childcare, finance work I don’t know, but I know that I can put on a brave face and make my DDs life as good as it always has been and if we have to live as roommates in separate rooms then so be it, I can confidently say after tonight’s discussion he will never see a single tear from me again, I will hold my head high during the day and cry myself to sleep if I have to but he won’t have the satisfaction of seeing his affect on me.

Time will show him what he’s missed and by then in will be too late.

I’ve got a great set of friends and family, a great job, enough wage that I don’t have to rely on anyone else, so I know I’ll be okay, I never needed to be with him, but I wanted to, time will ease this pain and I’ll be okay in time but know I have a difficult few weeks/months ahead of me.

I appreciate everyone’s advice and support on here so thank you all so much! I know I was naive to start with but my eyes are well and truly open now.

As shit as this news is i’m so glad you now have clarity about who he really is and have realised he doesn’t deserve you. It most certainly will be his loss and while there may be difficult days ultimately this is the start of you building a better future for you and your girls and showing them what a powerful women who knows her worth looks like.

Well done you OP for showing such strength and positivity in this awful situation.
He is a fool.
All good wishes to you going forward.

Well done you. You handled it perfectly. What a twat. He’s a poor cheat as well as a poor husband. He walked straight into that one.

Now you know the measure of him you are right not to show him any emotion. Grey rock his ass. He doesn’t get to have access to you when he was planning on destroying you. Let him second guess your every move and get anxious about what the future holds. He is now the enemy sleeping next door. Use your anger to take what you deserve and start a new life.

Hold your head up high. He’s the one who failed you.

I think there’s another woman too

RTFT!

At least you know what you are dealing with now. I'm sorry that he followed the script but you will come out of this sorry mess a stronger woman. Come back here for support if you want but remember you owe us nothing.

OP you’re a very brave woman and handled it perfectly.
Take good care of yourself and don’t be too hard on yourself if you have a wobble or a delayed reaction, shock can take a while to sink in, especially when you’re running on adrenaline and adjusting to the new normal.
I’m so sorry you’re in this horrible position and I hope he knows what he’s lost, and for what? Men can be utter fools.

Yeah sorry OP just read all your updates

Sounds like you are being incredibly strong x x

Oh love, bloody well done. Magnificent.

You handled the worm with grace and style.

He did exactly what was predicted, adding lying, gaslighting, etc to his existing list.

And absolutely - that wasn't a 'mistake'.

That was a systematic organised plan of action.

Gather your people, family, friends, colleagues, professional advisors.

He is not your friend - don't believe anything he says from now on. Makes it somehow simpler and clearer to know the truth.

And no wasting time on hope and delusions about who he might be.

Love to you and yours.

You are a fabulous strong woman. What a woman he has lost.
There will be hard days ahead, but I just know with an attitude like yours, you're going to be OK, if not better!
I think you would be better to completely separate and move on and heal from this POS.
I wish you all the luck in the world x

Okay you have now lost the element of surprise.
By which I mean he is now wondering what your next move will be, instead of thinking you know nothing.

If he has assets and savings, he might start trying to hide them, to cheat you out of a fair financial settlement for the children and you.

If you think this is at all likely, your best bet might be to let the whole thing drop, let the relationship go back to some kind of "normal" for several weeks, so he doesn't suspect you will file for divorce (I assume you will opt for divorce?)

Whether or not you are thinking of divorce yet, gather all the financial documentation you can, ASAP: his payslips, P60, or self-employed accounts or business accounts, pension documents, bank statements, savings, investments, evidence of the cost of any big assets like cars, and evidence of who paid what when the house was bought.

Then get a solicitor and file for divorce. You can do this while you are both living in the home - no need for either of you to move out first.

Don’t let him get ahead of you in terms of finances OP. He may play hard ball there, especially with (possibly) a new girlfriend to impress. I think you should see a solicitor as soon as you can now that you’ve made up your mind (right decision by the way, you clearly know your value and that is amazing, and a good example for DC).

Sorry to read your updates {mention:SeparatelyTogether}but@SeparatelyTogetherbut not surprised. You have handled it very well. I echo as others have said, he is no longer your friend so do not trust him to act with your best interests at heart.
Get ahead of finances, get copies of all important paperwork re house, savings, bills, pensions etc. Get yourself to a solicitor and please start child negotiations at 50/50. He's already shown you what he wants - freedom to have a bit on the side while you keep the house and children going. If he wants that he will have to put some work in.

Keep strong

Wow @SeparatelyTogether what an impressive woman you are. Pretty fucking magnificent in fact. Stay strong.

What a loser he is. Well, he has lost hasn’t he?

Stay focused and look after yourself.

Agree.

You described him as your "best friend" initially, now you have to take on board the certainty that he is not only not your best friend, but there is a high likelihood that he will be no friend at all and may indeed become your worst enemy.

Many a woman has gone into a divorce with a man they previously regarded as kind and generous, only to find that they are now facing a selfish stranger who hides their finances and fights tooth and nail to pay the absolute minimum (or less), depriving even their own young children of support if it means hurting their ex-wife. Do not be swayed by any entreaties he may make, do not be 'nice' or 'accommodating' or any of the other virtues that will be used against you with the sole aim of depriving you and your children.

Be aware that this happens, maybe you'll be lucky and he won't be like that - but it's never a good idea to depend on luck. Whilst you can hope for the best, make sure you plan for the worst. Run every suggestion he makes past your solicitor.

How are you SeparatelyTogether?

Same here. After 20 years of marriage and 3 kids he wants to have sex with other women, but the rest stay the same. Then after 2 years of trying to revive the marriage, in spite of him already checked out, but ashamed of suddenly not being the family man, we split and he moved out. With him out of the house, I realized that I am just not attracted to the man he had become. The needy one always looking for constant validation from me, getting high, watching porn on and off throughout the day and then wanting sex all the time for an extra dopamine high. He has been going through some emotional hardship over the last few years loosing family members. I have always been able to fix everything for him and he grew unhappy that I could not. No amount of sex was enough to distract. Being a narcissist he needed so much validation and as we moved towards retirement he realized the shortness of life and lost his purpose. Now his new purpose is sex with lots of women and "a sexual adventure" as he called it. We have businesses together and will probably not divorce since none of us want to remarry. I feel sorry for him. His life has become so shallow and pathetic. He thinks he can find happiness by focusing on himself only. He had this dream that we would reunite and become a couple again in old age, but I don't love this version of him. I loved him for the first 22 years of our relationship when I knew he never even considered that he could be happy with anyone else and when the thought of him straying seems like a joke. Back when he was mine! I can be friends with this weak man seeking validation from women on dating apps, but I could never again make him my romantic partner.

If you both want an admirable breakup and stay friends, I recommend Conscious Uncoupling by Katherine Woodward Thomas. They also have counseling. We are planning to do counseling. Since you have a child, you will always be bound together, better make the best of it.

But if you can afford it, have him move out. A bit of distance between you may make you seem the situation more clearly, maybe he changes his mind, maybe you find out you like you autonomy. I think a man have to be a bit of a narcissist while being with a very agreeable woman, to even suggest such an arrangement.

Living together while he dates is hell! Trust me, we did that for a couple of months before he felt too guilty about what he was doing to me and decided to give us another try. However he may already be checked out... Look into the book above and some counseling right away. Maybe he is not too far gone, but my hunch is that we are looking at another midlife crisis.... Sorry I literally feel your pain.

A friend of mine has a similar set up to this, although in her case it was her that wanted to move on - she loves her husband as a friend but has no sexual or romantic feelings for him (she says). But they still live as a married couple, probably spend less time together than most couples, but are raising their two children together in the same house. She has a whole partner outside the house, who she sees regularly, holidays with etc. Her husband is aware of this. He does not date others as far as she knows (she says he was never very sexually driven - this was one of the issues I think).

The bare bones of this make her sound like an awful person but actually she has always been totally open with her husband about her feelings, her other relationship etc, and would be more than happy to live separately - but he repeatedly begs her not to leave and she feels she can't do it to him.

I am telling you this story to say that, yes, it can work for some people, in the sense it is possible to function in this way. However, in my opinion, nobody in my friend's set up. (Her, the partner, her husband, their children) seem massively fulfilled and at peace in the situation. I mean, it's all relative and yes I have met less happy people. But I've also met happier ones.

This would not be for me, OP. However painful it was, if my partner told me he no longer had romantic feelings for me, I have so much pride that it would force me to move on.

Like others have suggested, ask him to move out temporarily so you have time and space to think about what YOU want. Counselling might also help. Good luck, and I am so sorry this has happened to you - it must be horrific.

Well done OP.

He's just cheating scum.
You would be surprised how many men absolutely hate the idea of it coming out.
They cannot bear the fall from grace in the eyes of family and friends.

My friends daughter posted all the cringe conversations with his OW on family and friend group chats and hid his phone.

She had been suspicious and he had come in late full of pints.
She went snooping and found it all.
She snapped the conversations and put all the shots up in his various groupings.
She turned off his phone and hid it.
She was gone to her mothers with a bag when he woke up.
He didn't know what was going on till his friend called to the house.
She never entertained him, they were barely married a year.
Thank goodness she had no children.
He was absolutely shamed by everyone knowing.

She said she knows his exposure upset him far more than being caught.
She never regretted doing it.
His family were so upset to know that he had been cheating from before they got married.

I was in a similar marriage about 7 years ago. I was the one who actually wanted.What your husband suggested when my ex told me he was not in love with me anymore. I wanted us to just live together because we were such good friends. I will also add though I don't think I was in love with him any more either. I did care about him deeply though.

It didn't work out that way since he insisted on divorce. I did find out that he had cheated on me at least three times. He ended up impregnating and marrying his current paramour within 15 months.

To this day, I still wish he had agreed to stay married and cheated on the side. Mainly because I didn't have time to prepare financially for such a sudden split, but also because I'm still sad about all the time I didn't get to spend with my son when he was very young.

However, I will say this in the past years.I found the true love of my life.He is the best man I have ever known. I still feel a little guilty like I traded time with my son for the time I spent with him, but in truth I had no choice because I had to have split custody. i do know that my life is going to be a lot better with my current partner by my side. I feel strongly that if at had I stayed married we'd be getting divorced at some point, then I would end up alone.

I just wanted to share that because the guilt that still sticks with me might be something that you could avoid. You would also have time to plan and save if you just float along for a couple years and slowly detach emotionally.

Whatever you decide, you need to prepare financially to be divorced in the next few years. if it doesn't happen great, but at least you have time to plan for it. I didn't and it was a source of crazy stress for the next 7 years.

You are going to be okay. Unfortunately, a lot of us go through this. It might take but you will find yourself again. Your daughter is watching...show her what strength is :).

I am going through this now while I am typing. 2 boys and we haven been married for 12 years. As scared, confused, and lost as I am I chose to file for divorce 17-3-2025. I don’t have an answer for what will tomorrow bring but on that day I chose myself and my children. I take it minute by minute and one step at a time. I love all of the positive advice everyone is giving. For once I chose me scared and all.