Wants to split but everything stay the same

[SeparatelyTogether]

Together 12 years, married 6, 1 DD aged 8.

He’s seemed off the last few days so I asked this morning if we could talk and he admitted he’s not felt right in himself for the last year and doesn’t see us working going forward. Still loves me and DD and wants to carry on living life as it is now, sharing a home, all plans together, sharing finances, being at all of DDs events together etc, but just not actually be together or intimate.

I'm so broken, it has genuinely came out of the blue for me, beyond the usually bickers of a long term relationship I genuinely thought we were happy and a great couple and this was the furthest thing from my mind.

I want to stay as is for the sake of DD but also as practically I can’t even begin to think about how we separate on every other level, and I’ll never beg to stay together however I’m so broken and don’t know what to do.

I don’t want to talk about it to anyone in real life because how do I explain we’re breaking up but staying as we are right now, I don’t understand it so how will anyone else.

I just can’t imagine my future without him being my husband, I still love, fancy, adore him and he’s my best friend I just feel so lonely and unloved.

Has anyone ever been in this situation and it worked, you’ve been able to live harmoniously with the man you love but not together?

Tell him he needs to stay home tonight as you’ve lined up a date- hopefully the shock will make him realise that his idea isn’t going to work

Basically they all say the same thing when they have got, or want, someone new.

To the point where it becomes a script. Its pathetically predictable and includes rewriting history (I havent been happy for years), demonising the wife (you never care about me) and threats to take the kids off her if she doesnt agree to everything he says.

How could it work if either of you wanted to see anyone else?

Apart from the fact of pretending to be just friends when you feel more.

Who does the housework/cooking/laundry/childcare?

I'm your husband in our scenario here.. but my husband is the one who wants to keep things as is more than me so for now, with 2 dc, that's how it is. I don't have an OM fwiw, I just don't love him anymore. We are friends, coparents and house managers and we are very good at that. It is unequal as I know H would like more but I have been v clear and was prepared to separate. One day we probably will. Abs you probably will too if there is no hope so do what suits you best now and long term. Don't keep a secret hope as I know my h did, despite me being as direct as I could be. I knew people would say there's an ow but that has absolutely nothing to do with my reasons for it here. It is worth suggesting counselling if he things it may change.

You need to listen to what he's really saying.

He wants sex other people without the cost or inconvenience of a divorce.

He can dress it up whatever way he wants but this is the message he's giving you. Hear it and send him packing.

he wants to have his cake and also eat it..he wants the best of both worlds because it benefits him but not you. he seems quite selfish in my opinion however i don’t blame you for wanting to stay living together for the sake of your child but it’s living a lie and isn’t going to work in the long run. are you supposed to go without sex for the rest of your life because you live with your ex? is he going to be okay if you want to date. honestly i would rethink your options. don’t stay with someone for the sake of the kids

I'm sorry OP this is a horrible situation for you.

I do think your DH wants to have everything for his benefit - I bet you do far more than 50% of running the household & childcare.
Take your time, get together all the papers regarding your financial situation - income, expenditure, savings, investments, pensions, mortgage.
Speak to a solicitor and establish what your legal position is.
Then tell him what you want.

But living together like a pair of lodgers is unhealthy for you, unhealthy for you child and is far too easy for your DH to coast along doing the bare minimum whilst you run the house & do all the childcare.

Personally I'd end the relationship because I'm not going to have someone use me BUT I'd do it in my time and to suit me not him.

I'm sorry to say this but I bet if he's not actually having an affair there is someone in the wings who he's having an emotional affair with & it's moving to the next level.
Be pro-active and ahead of his game- he will try to make this all your fault.

He has someone else
If you ask him he will deny this btw
Don’t believe him
Don’t do the pick me dance.
Keep calm and start looking at how you can secure your financial future .

Someone else. Sorry OP, but this is the start of the standard script by another piece of shit cowardly twat.
''I still love you, but more as a friend'' will be along shortly...

sorry you have had this bomb drop on you. He has someone else ( probably married or in a relationship) and she isn't ready to leave so he will cling onto his housekeeper as long as he can. Do not let him treat you so badly. This is not about him now, it is about you and your child. Have respect for yourself and your child. Tell him to go.

He still wants you to cook /clean and raise his dc whilst he's shagging another woman.

Call him out on this, tell him he will be moving out, friends and family will be told, pensions will be split, the house will probably be sold. Make this real, take control.

Can I ask why you haven't separated?
If you don't love him and feel it is over what keeps you there?

I agree. The Script.
So sorry, OP.
Please get your ducks in a row.

I had the same- there’s someone else x

It isn't you, it's me.
I need space.
I still love you, but like a friend.
There is nobody else.
There is no need to get lawyers involved.
You deserve better.
There is nobody else, I swear.
We've both changed.
There is someone, but she is just a friend.
No you don't know her.
We haven't done anything, just talked.
She just understands me.
We kissed. but just once.
I touched her boobs, but it meant nothing.
She gave me oral sex but we didn't do anything else.
We had sex, I wore a condom. It was only the once.
We've been having sex for months. I wanted to tell you, but you are emotionally unavailable.
Etc...

Excellent advice.

I’m so sorry. He wants the relationship to end but doesn’t want to be inconvenienced by its ending.

If you agree to his ‘proposal’ you will slowly die in silence. He is no longer your best friend because a best friend wouldn’t be only thinking of themselves.

Yep. Happened to me. It was slightly different as it was part of his thrashing about when I discovered his (second) affair. He didn’t want to face the consequences or be the bad guy.

I remember asking what he expected from me and was told ‘to be a good mother’.

Very long story but we did actually stay together but separated. For practical and financial reasons. Kept this going until DC were adult. I was philosophical about it.

Now we live separately. Friendly on the surface. He has a much worse life than me in pretty much every way but I actually don’t care about feeling vindicated or that I have won. It’s all just sad. Such a waste.

Anyway. Do not trust him. He’s acting through guilt now but once he sees he can’t get what he wants he will become selfish. Do not trust him. He is not on your side. Post here for practical advice.

You are in shock which is understandable but you do need support and legal advice, your H has other priorities and you are not one of them.

He wants you to end it so his reputation stays intact...

There’s someone and he wants his cake and eat it. Get your ducks in a row

The arrogance of him. My ex wanted to demote me just to his skivy whole he slept in a separate room and screwed other women. It's unbelievably cruel.

He's stringing you along to get what he wants.

I'm so sorry. I hope you can tell some good friends and get some support.

Get copies of your documents. Don't let him decide everything. Tell him you need some time and ask him to move out for a bit. I don't think he'll go but you should ask. He's so out of order.

If you want to end things, then you need to move out.

It is unfair to give your DH false hope by agreeing to stay.

If you have something coming up like a child’s birthday or he needs to work out childcare etc when you’re gone then it’s fair enough to not do it immediately but you need to say you are moving out on X date, as right now he is hoping you’ll change your mind.

You must be new here 😂!

It’s a list of tropes and behaviours rolled out like clockwork by someone who’s having an affair and wishes to end their relationship but doesn’t want to admit infidelity and therefore become the default bad guy. It’s designed to rewrite history and undermine the current partner, making it appear that they’re to blame for the failure of the relationship.

Then, when the split has been painfully executed, a ‘new’ person (whom they’ve been with all along) suddenly appears out of the woodwork as if by magic.