Wants to split but everything stay the same

[SeparatelyTogether]

Together 12 years, married 6, 1 DD aged 8.

He’s seemed off the last few days so I asked this morning if we could talk and he admitted he’s not felt right in himself for the last year and doesn’t see us working going forward. Still loves me and DD and wants to carry on living life as it is now, sharing a home, all plans together, sharing finances, being at all of DDs events together etc, but just not actually be together or intimate.

I'm so broken, it has genuinely came out of the blue for me, beyond the usually bickers of a long term relationship I genuinely thought we were happy and a great couple and this was the furthest thing from my mind.

I want to stay as is for the sake of DD but also as practically I can’t even begin to think about how we separate on every other level, and I’ll never beg to stay together however I’m so broken and don’t know what to do.

I don’t want to talk about it to anyone in real life because how do I explain we’re breaking up but staying as we are right now, I don’t understand it so how will anyone else.

I just can’t imagine my future without him being my husband, I still love, fancy, adore him and he’s my best friend I just feel so lonely and unloved.

Has anyone ever been in this situation and it worked, you’ve been able to live harmoniously with the man you love but not together?

There’s someone else, sorry OP, get your ducks in order and leave

Leave. Life is too short for nonsense like that.

He wants his cake and to eat it, doesn’t he?

He doesn’t get to call the shots here. If he doesn’t want you as his wife/partner, then he leaves. You deserve much better than this.

This sounds odd. Is he depressed? I think that counselling (separate and/or together) is called for here, before any big decisions.

Just because he says he wants it to stay the same, doesn't mean you have to agree or go along with it.
Firstly, what do you want? Is the relationship worth saving? Would counselling help?
Secondly he's had longer than you to think about it. Take as long as you need to digest this news. You are under no obligation to tell anyone until you are ready.
Thirdly, he may or may not have someone else in mind. I suggest you contact a lawyer to find out what your options are.
Fourthly, this man is not your friend. Do not beg him to stay. Keep your own counsel and tell him nothing about your plans.
What he possibly means is, he'll live a free life while you do all the childcare and domestic drudgery. Some will suggest he does his own washing, cooking etc and he does childcare. You have to think about what suits you, not him.
My ex took great umbrage when we were separated under the same roof and I didn't book him a hair cut appointment. He ranted at me in front of the hairdresser and the children (hairdresser came to the house). He wanted to have his cake and eat it too.
Good luck

This won't work

The gall of the man! Telling you he wants you to continue to be a partner to him while he gets to see other people. Why does he think you would want this?!

So he wants everything he wants, and you get nothing you want. Er - no.

This.

Take it from someone with experience here! There’s someone else.

For you it will be awful, you love and fancy him so will be trying to continue/make him come back to you. Whilst he can come and go as he pleases, has dinner waiting, shirts ironed for his dates?? He won't tell you cause he's changed the diamamic of your relationship. It would be bad for him to get a new place, pay monthly child support or 50/50 when he's looking to start a new life. Whilst you decide what your going to do, get out the house 3/4 nights a week to do whatever you fancy as I'm sure he will be wanting to do the same. He may want to break away from you (I'm sorry) but he's still got responsibilities

He’s had his head turned op - some OW will come out of the woodwork at some point. He basically wants to have his cake and eat it at the moment, and keep you dangling - do not buy it. Get your ducks in a row and do it now op, you need to protect yourself and your child.

He's making you the villain.

No sane individual could hear that and go along with it, which he knows.
Bit now you'll be the one to make it hard. Because to him he made a perfectly reasonable offer.

Fuck him right off.

It will never work. He wants to stay for the family unit, the company, the meals cooked and the childcare.

But he will start to want sex with other women.

He wants his cake and to eat it.

Don't do that, you will destroy your mental health and confuse your DD. He's probably got someone else waiting in the wings and wants the excitement of that, with the stability of married home life. Men are such clichés. I know it sucks now, but you need to put yourself first now and do what's best for you and your child.

It would be torture for you to still love and want him and you’ll live in hope that he will change his mind which will only prolong your hurt. You need to end it.

Exactly what pp said, he wants an affair without the guilt or secrecy, and to keep all his home comforts. Also you'll be there as a safety net if OW doesn't want him permanently.

Absolute hard no.

So he wants the cosy life with a family and a kid, a roof over his head while he is free to fuck other women. That's what he's saying.

He would be out the damn door. Just because that's what he wants, you really don't have to lower your bar to under the floorboards and take it. He's a disrespectful bastard.

So he wants an open relationship.

So he wants a housekeeper?

Why should he get the benefits of you in his life in that capacity if he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you? He wants to have his cake and eat it, be free to explore new relationships while having a maid/mother at home who is desperate to please him. Please tell him asap that if he wants a separation it will be a full one.

of course he can’t do this!! I mean seriously how dare he?

basically he wants you to go on looking after him while he tries out being single again

i know you’re hurting but you need to find your anger lovey xx

If he wants an open relationship he should be honest about it! Not pretend that he wants you as a flat mate.

Send him home to his mother for a month while you sort yourself out. (Travel lodges are available if more suitable but explaining his “idea” to his parents might focus his thinking)

It sounds like he’s either worried about how much a divorce will cost him or he’s hoping you’ll get angry and divorce him so he’s not the bad guy.

I’m so sorry, it’s incredibly hurtful and disrespectful.