Wants to split but everything stay the same

[SeparatelyTogether]

Together 12 years, married 6, 1 DD aged 8.

He’s seemed off the last few days so I asked this morning if we could talk and he admitted he’s not felt right in himself for the last year and doesn’t see us working going forward. Still loves me and DD and wants to carry on living life as it is now, sharing a home, all plans together, sharing finances, being at all of DDs events together etc, but just not actually be together or intimate.

I'm so broken, it has genuinely came out of the blue for me, beyond the usually bickers of a long term relationship I genuinely thought we were happy and a great couple and this was the furthest thing from my mind.

I want to stay as is for the sake of DD but also as practically I can’t even begin to think about how we separate on every other level, and I’ll never beg to stay together however I’m so broken and don’t know what to do.

I don’t want to talk about it to anyone in real life because how do I explain we’re breaking up but staying as we are right now, I don’t understand it so how will anyone else.

I just can’t imagine my future without him being my husband, I still love, fancy, adore him and he’s my best friend I just feel so lonely and unloved.

Has anyone ever been in this situation and it worked, you’ve been able to live harmoniously with the man you love but not together?

Yeah he wants someone else, he’s lost sexual interest in you. I felt like this at one point myself. Honestly he’s probably had his head turned, he needs to choose to either leave of stay properly.

I know someone who agreed to this, for the sake of her children. She was a SAHM with three young kids, two with SN.

He moved into the spare room and treated their home as a hotel, coming and going as he pleased. Of course he was having an affair but his AP was not ready to leave her husband yet. So he spent 3- 4 nights a week “ working away “ living with her in a hotel and then come home expecting his laundry done, dinner on the table and the kids looked after.

He spent all weekend on his hobbies, paid no attention to his kids and was constantly annoyed at his wife for not being willing to sit and listen him chat about work, moan about his boss, arrange social events for his family and generally do all the emotional labour and wifework she had done during their marriage. So his wife had none of the love and companionship of marriage, but all of the work.

He became nastier and more abusive to her over several years. I don’t know how his wife didn’t have a breakdown. In the end he left for his AP, they moved in together and he divorced his wife. It turned out he has been hiding / stealing matrimonial assets for years so he got about 75% of everything.

moral of this story - don’t be like my friend @SeparatelyTogether . See a solicitor and get a divorce.

Sorry OP, there'll be another woman. Big hugs 💐

He is NOT your best friend. No one treats their best friend like that. Hes a shit husband and not your best friend. He has another woman butr wants to keep you around to do the housekeeping so he doesnt have to do his own dirty washing. What a prize.

A couple who used to live near me had this arrangement, it worked until the husband started sleeping with a neighbour and his wife found out. She ended up slapping the neighbour round the face and got prosecuted.

Please do not agree to this. It will destroy you.

Do you want a housemate, where you wash his clothes, do his life admin and clean his home?

If not, time to look seriously at finances now and what you want.

Effectively you’ll be childcare and house keeping. Tell him no, and tell him you agree to the split. Let him start panicking when he has to wash his own sheets.
honestly, why would you even consider this terrible one sided arrangement ?

He’s sleeping with someone else, but they don’t want him to live with them, so he wants to stay living at home, stay being a dad to dc, have you run around after him whilst he goes and f#CK1 who he wants?

Tell him ‘no’, he can leave and still be a good dad to his dc without being a total head f#ck for you. Or he can stay and be a husband and dad. He can’t have his cake and eat it.

Unfortunately i'd put money on him being interested in someone else and him offering this up as a 'solution' that will stop him looking like he's abandoned and broken up his family, but allows him to pursue whoever it is guilt free as you're not technically together. He's essentially looking for a loop hole that will let him maintain the family and shag someone else. My dad tried the same with my mum, although she initially agreed, she did soon realise it wasn't workable and told him where to go. Sorry you're going through this

I am sorry that this is happening to you OP. We invest so much into our close relationships and to have him pull the rug from under your feet must be awful.

But what he is proposing will leave you in constant agony - he will be there in the house as normal but not as your husband and your nose will be rubbed in it every day. The only way that you can move forward is to be free of him; and you must tell him this.

"[He] wants to carry on living life as it is now, sharing a home, all plans together, sharing finances, being at all of DDs events together etc, but just not actually be together or intimate."
That sounds very much that he wants all of the benefits, but none of the responsibilities. Nope, nopity nope. It will hollow you out and leave you a shell of yourself. The mere suggestion has already started that process.

You absolutely do NOT have to agree with his suggestion, it is not in your best interest - or DD's. What sort of adulthood would you be modelling to her? That when she's all grown up it's OK for her life partner to take take take from her without giving? That she should passively accept and cater to the wants of her partner and never ask for her own needs to be considered? <shudders> That's an awful environment for your daughter to grow up in, and an awful precedent to set for her life.

His suggestion essentially turns you into his unpaid housekeeper/childminder, in return for your own bed & board and the complete loss of your privacy, dignity, and autonomy. So he'd be partaking of home comforts courtesy of yourself, whilst you get cold comfort from him. It's not a fair trade, as I'm sure you can see. And that's before he starts seeking togetherness/intimacy elsewhere - which he will (He well may have already done so).

I think you should ask him to move out for a short time, citing a need for thinking-time alone - his presence prevents that. After all, it would seem he's been mulling this over for a year - I think he owes you a week or two, don't you? And you should use that time wisely. To think through what YOU want, what YOU need. His wants are no longer your concern. And get started on the practicalities. Dig out all paperwork (payslips, bank details, pensions, savings, debt) and check what Child Support you'd be eligible for, and visit https://www.gov.uk/benefits-calculators to see if you would be entitled to any benefits as a single parent.

"I just can’t imagine my future without him being my husband, I still love, fancy, adore him and he’s my best friend I just feel so lonely and unloved."
Kindly, you're going to have to start imagining just this. And as for "he’s my best friend" - no, he was your best friend. He now has the potential to be your worst enemy. This board is full of threads started by women saying they no longer recognise their husband, who has turned from a kind and generous man into a hard-faced schemer, seeking to deprive their wives of any financial settlement. Do not be one of those women. Go into this new environment clear-eyed and on the lookout for traps. This man may look just like your husband; but he isn't the man you married any more, he's a very different man and you cannot depend on him have the same moral compass as he once had.

@SeparatelyTogether

OP, there is some sensible advice on here, especially what @Snoopdoggydog123 said. At the very least greyrock him until you have your own plan, as a previous poster said, he's had longer than you to think about this,. It must have hit you for six, but act now and plan your own life.

So he wants everything the same except the sex, he wants to be able to have sex with someone else. There is already another women, you just don’t know it yet. Is he fine with you shagging another bloke?

Joining the comments to say there is someone else. From experience. My exH said the same, when I asked what the actual hell he meant, he said he just wanted the 'summer off'. Turns out he had a girlfriend who was going back to her home country in August.

he wants to have an affair without consequences.

You will still be there playing the dutiful wife and taking care of the household. he won’t have extra expenses by there being two households to run. He won’t need to worry about taking on more childcare responsibilities.

basically his life continues as it has, but he gets an exciting new sex partner. One where there are no worries about paying bills, cleaning the house, or caring for a sick child. A relationship that is only the easy parts and none of the work.

on Monday, you need to start calling solicitors. Figure out where you stand and make a plan for divorce. You don’t have to file yet, just get ready.

if you want, you can also call marriage counselors.

just don’t be a doormat and agree to his plan.

That’s a cover story from someone who wants to have a fling with someone else while carefully preserving his family set up. You deserve better

@Octavia

My goodness I went cold reading your post, it's a cautionary tale but thankyou for sharing. I hope your friend is happier now.

He wants sex elsewhere while you can be relied on for laundry, housekeeping and childcare. He doesn’t have the expense of moving out.

He can’t have his cake and eat it. Get your own finances ring-fenced and plan your future with him as co-parent, and nothing else.

So he wants the freedom to see other women while still maintaining the convenience, practicality and comfort of the wife and family at home?!

If he wants to separate, he needs to leave.
I know it’s devastating, but you’ve got to play hardball here. If he wants to end marriage, he needs to pack his bags and go.

Yes you are right I'm a newbie 😂

Absolutely not.

Personally, I'd agree to it. On the absolute provision that he has to tell his family and friends etc that this is what he's asked for and instigated. You stop doing everything for him a partner would do. No more cooking, laundry etc. And you get your ducks in a row and leave when you're ready and in a good position to do so.

Say these words to him OP..even if you don't mean them.

"Ok, so I get to fuck who I want as well while you stay with the kids then'

You'll know what it's about then.

Cheeky sod!!! Get his things packed up and see a solicitor, for the well being of your child as well as you.

I’m afraid so.