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Original poster

Wants to split but everything stay the same

152 replies

SeparatelyTogether · 16/03/2025 14:12

Together 12 years, married 6, 1 DD aged 8.

He’s seemed off the last few days so I asked this morning if we could talk and he admitted he’s not felt right in himself for the last year and doesn’t see us working going forward. Still loves me and DD and wants to carry on living life as it is now, sharing a home, all plans together, sharing finances, being at all of DDs events together etc, but just not actually be together or intimate.

I'm so broken, it has genuinely came out of the blue for me, beyond the usually bickers of a long term relationship I genuinely thought we were happy and a great couple and this was the furthest thing from my mind.

I want to stay as is for the sake of DD but also as practically I can’t even begin to think about how we separate on every other level, and I’ll never beg to stay together however I’m so broken and don’t know what to do.

I don’t want to talk about it to anyone in real life because how do I explain we’re breaking up but staying as we are right now, I don’t understand it so how will anyone else.

I just can’t imagine my future without him being my husband, I still love, fancy, adore him and he’s my best friend I just feel so lonely and unloved.

Has anyone ever been in this situation and it worked, you’ve been able to live harmoniously with the man you love but not together?

OP posts:
LumpyandBumps · 16/03/2025 14:46

It seems that there is more than one ‘script’
I remember my exH saying something similar.
Cherchez la femme!

Bakedpotatoes · 16/03/2025 14:47

OP, this is the classic script and he either has or has his eye on someone else. Do not allow him to have his cake and eat it too - you are able to leave and find true happiness.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 16/03/2025 14:49

So he wants to stay living with you but have the green light to sleep with other women? Yeah, that would be a no from me! Either he wants to split or he wants to try and work out the issues and stay together, he can’t have the best of both worlds.

HornyHornersPinkyWinky · 16/03/2025 14:52

So he wants the benefits of a marriage without the commitment - fuck that shit. He wants you at home cleaning his shirts while he’s out chatting up other women.

Please don’t agree to this, it would be heartbreaking for you.

Also, as other people have pointed out, he has probably already had his head turned, which is why his behaviour has been off for a while. He has mentally checked out of your marriage already.

Orangesinthebag · 16/03/2025 14:52

As others have said, he must surely be saying this because it gives him an out to either be with someone else or find someone else - but still have a family home & not face the upheaval.of divorce.
It's hard to see what you get from this set up?
Please don't agree to it, it's outrageous of him to suggest it & it will affect your mental health and self esteem hugely to live like that.

Men never fail to shock me!

Happyspendingthedayinthegarden · 16/03/2025 14:53

My XH wanted this. Basically he wanted me to be his mum/housekeeper. I told him to F off. This was 15 years ago & I've since met & married a lovely man who values me, loves to cuddle up in bed at night (and the rest...😉) I am so happy.

My XH is still single (having had a few failed relationships - I wonder why?)

Onlyvisiting · 16/03/2025 14:54

Sorry- if he still loves you and wants to live with you then why would you split? If it was purely about not wanting sex anymore with anyone if he just hasn't got any libido for some reason then I think you'd know about it already?

I honestly think the most likely thing is he has either met someone else or wants to, but doesn't want the guilt of breaking up your family so thinks he can have both a family life and permission to fuck around elsewhere.

So sorry, but absolutely do NOT agree to this.

arethereanyleftatall · 16/03/2025 14:54

Can I just say as well ref - ‘I want to stay for the sake of dd’ No. you should ‘LEAVE for the sake of dd’ because what this arrangement would model to her as normal would have far worse long term affects than the fleeting pain of divorced parents.

Cucy · 16/03/2025 14:55

I too think he’s had his head turned.

He wants his cake and eat it too - his comfortable little family with all of the pros that comes with and also free rein to have sex other women.

I would use this to your advantage for now by getting your ducks in a row etc. and then when you are ready tell him to leave.

Do not just roll over though.
Tell him that you will allow him to stay for now and you will see how you feel on a day by day basis.
Do not ever have sex with him again or let him sleep in your bed.
Do not let him treat you like a mug.

Cucy · 16/03/2025 14:57

Happyspendingthedayinthegarden · 16/03/2025 14:53

My XH wanted this. Basically he wanted me to be his mum/housekeeper. I told him to F off. This was 15 years ago & I've since met & married a lovely man who values me, loves to cuddle up in bed at night (and the rest...😉) I am so happy.

My XH is still single (having had a few failed relationships - I wonder why?)

Love this!!

And I bet XH tried worming his way back in and I can see this one doing the same when this new woman doesn’t work out.

arethereanyleftatall · 16/03/2025 14:58

Also, as he is trying to make you the bad guy by being the one to end it. No. He has already ended it.

Shetlands · 16/03/2025 15:01

It sounds like he either has someone else or he has someone waiting in the wings. Of course he'll swear that's not the case but why else would he not want you to be 'together' or 'intimate'?

By keeping your living arrangements as they are, he doesn't have to lose his comfortable home or pay you child support or be a weekend Dad. Meanwhile, he can go his own sweet way socially and sleep with other women.

You deserve much more than that horrendous situation! Tell him that and refuse.

category12 · 16/03/2025 15:02

How are you going to cope with him dating other people?

I think you're agreeing to this because you still love him and think anything is better than nothing, but it really isn't.

Confront the pain and get it over with, then you can all move on.

This halfway house measure will actually only benefit him and screw you over. He gets to retain your services as you probably make his life easier with housework and childcare, and he gets to fuck around without guilt. Because you still love him chances are you'll probably shag him as well if he fancies it.

Coconutter24 · 16/03/2025 15:02

I still love, fancy, adore him and he’s my best friend I just feel so lonely and unloved.

Im guessing he doesn’t feel any of this for you? So how is it fair to expect you to remain the same but not together? You’ll feel that there may be hope by living and sharing a life with him but do you not think you deserve to find someone who loves, fancies and adores you? How are you going to manage living together once he starts dating? It won’t work, he either works on the marriage or you need to separate.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 16/03/2025 15:02

I think what you'll find is he wants to get his dick wet out there and come home to a fully serviced family home.

Orangesinthebag · 16/03/2025 15:03

arethereanyleftatall · 16/03/2025 14:58

Also, as he is trying to make you the bad guy by being the one to end it. No. He has already ended it.

Yes, this as well!
He is putting you in an impossible situation.
He is too weak to end the marriage and knows no one could accept the arrangement he has suggested so it will be you who is forced to end the marriage & look like the "bad one".

What a spineless sh*t he is!

RawBloomers · 16/03/2025 15:21

Has anyone ever been in this situation and it worked, you’ve been able to live harmoniously with the man you love but not together?

Oh, OP, this is a heartbreaking question. You need to value yourself more. What you’re yearning for here is his love. But what he’s offering you is contempt. He wants to pick and choose the bits of your life together that suit him without any regard to what you want and need. It is an incredibly selfish suggestion.

Can you really imagine this working? Playing happy families with your DD on a Saturday then him calling his girlfriend? Heading off for the night. Meeting her around town? And all the time you will be sat there yearning for him because you won’t have enough of a break from him to reset and develop a sense of self that is apart from him.

Even without a girlfriend in the mix, you will be unsatisfied because he is not interested in loving you.

And this isn’t a lifelong commitment he’s making. It’s a - while it’s the best thing I can imagine offer. When he falls in love with someone else he will leave. And if that doesn’t happen before DC leave home, he’ll leave when they hit 18. You will have wasted years of your life hanging on him and still have to pick up the pieces and reforge a home without him in it in 2/5/10 years time. With your self esteem in tatters and who knows how many opportunities under the bridge.

Don’t agree to this. You will be torturing yourself.

TequilaNights · 16/03/2025 15:22

I also agree that there is someone else...

He wants his life as it is and to sleep around but you remain running his life and the home and being there for the children so he doesn't have to do it himself.

Kolin · 16/03/2025 15:24

Predictably posters ask if he’s depressed or needs to got it counselling!

Fuck no. This man wants his cake & eat it as others say! Tell him to GTFOH! Find your anger.

Happyspendingthedayinthegarden · 16/03/2025 15:29

Cucy · 16/03/2025 14:57

Love this!!

And I bet XH tried worming his way back in and I can see this one doing the same when this new woman doesn’t work out.

Show quote history

Oh yes he so did. He rang me when his first relationship broke up wanting me to give him 'mate's rates' for a flat that I rented out as he had tenanted his house for a year & had no-where to go. I just said that I was busy cooking & to speak to my DH & passed the phone over. Funnily enough he cut the call off. 😂

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 16/03/2025 15:30

Get ready for The Script…

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/03/2025 15:32

HomeBodyClub · 16/03/2025 14:33

It will never work. He wants to stay for the family unit, the company, the meals cooked and the childcare.

But he will start to want sex with other women.

Yeah, this.

He wants to have a cook housekeeper and nanny and stick his dick in other women at the same time and, crucially, you are not allowed to complain or be upset because "We are not together, I can see who I want".

No no no. If he wants out, he leaves

Happyspendingthedayinthegarden · 16/03/2025 15:32

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 16/03/2025 15:30

Get ready for The Script…

Sorry? What do you mean?

GoldMoon · 16/03/2025 15:33

So you still shop , cook , clean , daily admin , wash , iron , child care , share bills , holiday , day trips , friendly advisor him ( assume you do these things ) yet you will be house mates / friends no benefits situation ?
Who sleeps where ? Do you share equally the above anyway ?
I'd say a women is about or he has intention .
Would that work for me ? Nope .

EuclidianGeometryFan · 16/03/2025 15:35

I want to stay as is for the sake of DD but also as practically I can’t even begin to think about how we separate on every other level

But it won't stay the same as it was. Because he is planning to have sex with someone else. That is what he means when he talks about ending the relationship but staying in the same house with joint finances, family events, etc.

So you have to decide whether you are happy to have an 'open' relationship.

If not, you have to come to terms with divorcing him, even though you still love him and are terrified of being alone.

One more thing - never stay in a bad relationship for the sake of children.