long term relationship mid 60s DP me 50+ no provisions despite wealth

[midlifefears]

I left my ex husband many years ago because he did not want to have children but 'forgot' to tell me. I then met another man who promised me the world including child and marriage. I waited through my mid 30s, my 40s and now I am in my early 50s. A child and marriage did not materialise. We did not even get engaged for all these years. DP has adult children. I have grown resentment ever since my 50th birthday and I also realised that now when my DP is mid 60s he made no provisions for in case something happens to him. Because I am not married to him I will literally end up on the street. The house is solely in his name and for his DCs to inherit, his private pension is for his DCs. We also rent a v expensive property due to work location. Outside it looks like a fabulous lifestyle but I really fear for my future. I tried to approach the topic and each time he shuts me down with 'oh you are all doom and gloom and want me to die already' - the point is I don't actually why would I? It would literally leave me homeless.
I thought about this even further - a paid carer at least would build something over the years ie savings, pension etc but he had nearly 15 years of me around and does not think about looking after me in the future.
I do not know what to think. I entered this relationship so many years ago on the basis of pure love and promise of life and future but now it seems he gets all the benefits of having a 'wife' without the costs of securing my future specially having in mind the age gap.
What would you think? What woudld you do? How do I secure my future?

Sadly it doesn't sound like he wants to do anything about the situation so I think your only option is to move out and rent.

Have you contributed to mortgage payments over the years? If you stay then If you have evidence of this then if he did die and leave you homeless I believe a solicitor may he able to wangle something but you must have clear financial contributions identified.

You won’t secure anything by staying with him that’s for sure.
Due to his age, he’s got it made. A nice house/pension to leave to his DC and a live-in carer.
He has already conned you out of three decades with nothing or very little to show for it.
Any partner who cares about you would already have all this sorted. Sadly relationships aren’t just about pure love they have a practical side.
I would start sorting out my own life and finances and leave.

do you have a pension? Have you worked? Can you increase hours/ salary and start saving? I’d be looking to calculate how much you’ll have if you were on your own. Maybe look to buy a small flat you can rent out so you have some property. Sorry you’ve been put in this position. I would definitely not be hanging about to become his carer. You need to put yourself first at this point.

no contribution as the house was already mortgage free when we met.
I think this relationship has no future.
His DCs think I will be the free carer for their DF and then all is theirs.
I spoke to few people and everyone seems to think DP doesn't love me and has not got my best interest at heart. He likes the idea of younger presentable woman around at no real cost. I feel really betrayed and mislead by him over the years and now when he can not be bothered with many things I feel like a wasted my life with him.

You feathered his nest. Instead of yours.

On the plus side, you've lived rent free for years - have you managed to save any money?

Focus on securing housing for yourself.

Return the man's energy and don't give him a moment of thought.

I think it probably is right that the bulk of his assets (i.e. the house) pass to his children. But there should certainly be provision made for you and, if he has paid off his mortgage, building up that provision should be a priority from now onwards. It all depends how much money there is really....

Divorce and re-marriage (or re-partnering) are an expensive business and he has to accept that.

But unfortunately you have rather 'given away the farm' in your own decision making - why did you not press the point of marriage and children at two years or even five years in?

Yes surely you've amassed a decent nest egg if you haven't paid towards a mortgage?

Leave. If he needs carers he can pay for them.

Right you need to stop thinking about what you are or aren't going to get from him. It's nothing. He's a shit who doesn't care that you could be left homeless.
So, you need to focus and hard on what you need to do to make yourself secure. Presumably your savings are ok if you haven't had rent or a mortgage all this time? What are your opinions in terms of buying a place of your own? What does your pension look like? Time to get practical now so future you is covered.

He sounds like a selfish git. But equally if you passionately wanted kids (nothing wrong with that) and got burned before by your ex, you really shouldn't have lingered around this long while the clock was ticking down. But hindsight is a handy thing.

I hope you can find the strength to leave him. There's no way you should be roped into being his carer just because you feel he's the only way you'll have a roof over your head. It's bonkers that him and his kids can have so little care for you after all you've done.

Cut your losses now.
And maybe see a therapist to try and stop this cycle of being disappointed and treated poorly by men.

You could still do fostering and look into adoption if you still want kids in your life. There are plenty of kids out there who do need someone loving and caring so that could still happen.

Obviously for now you need to get back on your feet financially.

What work have you done? What benefits are you entitled to?

You may be eligible for over 50s housing?

Have you worked in the last 25 years?

Stop thinking about the time you’ve already wasted and don’t waste any more of it.
You have plenty of life left in you.
Of course he likes having a younger woman around.
Of course his kids think you will look after him.
NONE of them are your family.
Yes he sold you a dream but it’s a dud. You should have left years ago but you didn’t.
Don’t be scared of being without him and don’t feel an ounce of guilt either.
If you stay now knowing this, and end up homeless, it’s on you.
Be your own advocate and act.

yes I worked
not high salary but a professional with university degree

You need to take some accountability.

You chose not to be married to him and stayed with him without having a child.
This was your choice.
You could have offered an ultimatum or left.

You’ve lived mortgage free for years and no kids, so surely you have a lot of savings that you can use if he dies before you.

This surely you must have significant savings? Even at minimum wage living rent free for 20+ years is some saving!

I also realised that now when my DP is mid 60s he made no provisions for in case something happens to him.

But it's your responsibility to provide for yourself. If you have always worked, never paid a mortgage and not had time out for children/maternity leaves, presumably you've got a pension of your own and have been saving the money you haven't had to pay for housing for all these years?

I would move out before you end up as his carer and start securing your own future.

Have you been saving from your salary and building your own pension during these years?

Are you still working/saving/paying into a pension? You need to make a clear plan now for how to support yourself into the future.

Are you working now OP?
Time to go for promotions.
Changing company every 2y is a quick way to go up the ladder.

You can still get a mortgage at 50 even if it’s 15 years rather than 25.

Increase your pension contributions. Especially if your employer will match.

Hopefully you’ve been saving a lot over the years with no mortgage and have a good deposit for somewhere.

You should move out and take control of your life. My friend was in your position. She was all ready to move and he then put her on the house as he was scared to grow old alone. Might or might not work in your case but don’t wait another year to start looking out for your financial security.

Do you have savings yourself? If not I'd start saving for a house deposit

How would he take it if you ended the relationship? Have you told him clearly what you want eg marriage or you will leave?

(I don’t think you could trust him if he wrote you into his will. I know a second wife who was burnt this way.)

When you say 'no provision despite wealth' do you mean no provision for you, despite his wealth? I don't think it's his job to provide for yourself though, is it? Isn't that your job?

You are a grown up it is not up to him to do this for you each adult is responsible for themselves