long term relationship mid 60s DP me 50+ no provisions despite wealth

[midlifefears]

I left my ex husband many years ago because he did not want to have children but 'forgot' to tell me. I then met another man who promised me the world including child and marriage. I waited through my mid 30s, my 40s and now I am in my early 50s. A child and marriage did not materialise. We did not even get engaged for all these years. DP has adult children. I have grown resentment ever since my 50th birthday and I also realised that now when my DP is mid 60s he made no provisions for in case something happens to him. Because I am not married to him I will literally end up on the street. The house is solely in his name and for his DCs to inherit, his private pension is for his DCs. We also rent a v expensive property due to work location. Outside it looks like a fabulous lifestyle but I really fear for my future. I tried to approach the topic and each time he shuts me down with 'oh you are all doom and gloom and want me to die already' - the point is I don't actually why would I? It would literally leave me homeless.
I thought about this even further - a paid carer at least would build something over the years ie savings, pension etc but he had nearly 15 years of me around and does not think about looking after me in the future.
I do not know what to think. I entered this relationship so many years ago on the basis of pure love and promise of life and future but now it seems he gets all the benefits of having a 'wife' without the costs of securing my future specially having in mind the age gap.
What would you think? What woudld you do? How do I secure my future?

@midlifefears what kind of skills do you have? Do you like talking to people, or do you prefer to work alone with a lot of screen time and process?
What sectors have you worked in before? You may need to go in at entry level but that's nothing to be ashamed of. With a degree, in what subject? I think teaching is in demand in certain subjects? Civil service? Office admin/reception? Customer services? Sales?
You can get work doing social and market research without experience and often that's work from home.

Yes, this !
Make use of your free accommodation and start saving. Work more and when the time is right, just leave.

@Millyjanice @StarDolphins many people in RL who know more details (I am not going to share it here) said exactly the same as you.

What you did with your money for all these years? did you work ? you have no kids or mortgage so why you’re in your 50’s and penniless?

Just because they were not married doesn’t mean the setup wasn’t financially abusive and quite coercive. This is to the many mumsnetters who lose their minds fault finding women who (they think) didn’t pay rent. “You should have saved more!” “ What are you complaining about every adult in a relationship is solely responsible for their own finances and future.” Relationships—whether formal ir informal—can be quite confusing and housing/rent/bills can be divvied up in ways that are very disadvantageous to women.

It does seem like your best bet. Save, throw as much as you can into a pension, leave when you're in a decent position.

more for her then if she allowed it

Yes.

You've stood around for 20 years waiting for someone else to make your life for you?? My mind is boggled.

I've created the life I wanted and secured my own old age, not hung about waiting for a man to do all that for me. What on earth??

You still have time before your late 60s but I would suggest an extra job or some other second income stream. Urgently.

Many of us have had losses, eldercare, illness etc and still taken responsibility for our own fate.

OP stop ignoring the important questions here ?

What are the important questions? 🤔

It doesn't really matter what led up to this situation, it is what it is and can't be undone.

The question is what she does from here.

I haven’t read all the comments so apologies if this has already been mentioned. I’m not too sure where in the UK you are based. If you are in Scotland however, you would be entitled to make a cohabitation claim on separation or death. I’d recommend seeking legal advice on this. I’m not sure if there is an equivalent in England.

It’s a bit presumptuous to assume she was paying nothing and all her wages were hers to simply save or spend purely on herself - maybe no rent but possibly food/bills/holidays/ etc - there may not have been massive amounts left to save at all - especially if she wasn’t that highly paid.

i might be missing something but why is he nasty and calculating for giving you a lifestyle that you (presumably) enjoyed?

I think some people are being a bit harsh.

it’s quite possible that the OP, while not having to pay a mortgage, was expected to contribute in other ways, and may not have had the opportunity to save that much.

So what's your plan?

OP - it must have been a heartbreaking realisation that the relationship you’ve given so many years of your life is not what you have hoped it would be. I tended to romantisize relationships too, but as they say unfortunately ‘love is not enough’. Don’t be hard on your younger self - you simply believed in his promises like many women do. But now it’s time to change. ‘No one’s coming’ and the only person that can change the course of your life is you. Change your mindset first. It’s GOOD to finally be aware of the reality of your situation because you have agency now. Whether you leave home or stay - educate yourself on finances. Look for extra sources of income. Start saving. For example: even a small monthly contribution to a private pension will make a difference for your future self. This is the beginning of your empowerment. Good luck.

If you were mid thirties when you met and you wanted children to the extent you’d left your previous relationship when ex didn’t want them, then that needed to happen in the first couple of years if the new relationship. I don’t really understand why you’d repeat that pattern of not making it a priority, or looking for someone else, or going it alone at that point. It also feels a bit inevitable that the house he paid for before you met would be intended for his children. If I understood the OP correctly you don’t live in this owned property but in an expensive rental, which maybe you are significantly contributing to, this reducing your opportunity to save. Hopefully you at least have a decent pension?
All you can do is be canny from this point about securing your own future. Does it cost you less to maintain current lifestyle than to leave and rent somewhere small yourself? Do you have enough saved for a deposit on a flat ? What can you do in the next 10-15 years of working life to ensure you are not left renting on a state pension?

It's not harsh, it's reality.
Why are posters stating that 'oh the pp may have paid towards other bills and holidays' as if she would be a heroine for paying life's bills or the luxury of a holiday?!
And I think he had the ops number given I'll keep giving her just about enough of the lifestyle that it will be difficult to drop and she will be by my side he knows she's only with him for the lifestyle!

I don’t think he is doing anything wrong in protecting his asset (the house he owned outright) for his DC. Any woman posting here about a new partner moving in to a mortgage free house she owned would be advised to ensure it was ring-fenced for her DC and that there was no way the partner could claim on it. That is perfectly reasonable.

What’s less reasonable is an educated woman in a professional job, who has been given the opportunity to live rent/mortgage free, thinking that her partner should support her for life and make provision for her, particularly at the expense of his own children, and that she bears no responsibility to support herself. It’s baffling.

In your position I would try and find a way to let go of the feelings for a few hours, and think hard about the practicalities. You need to get a lot lot more practical and a lot less caring - at least for a little while.

I'd have a look at what you could buy with savings+eligible mortgage. If you were just deciding for you then where in the country would you live? What sort of property would you like? How much would the mortgage be?

Have a look at your pension and have a think about how much you would need each month if you were retired and living alone. How much do you need to contribute to get to that point?

Have a look at your savings. Are they enough for a deposit on somewhere you want to live? How much would you like to go into retirement with? How much will you need to save a month to get into that position?

Then make those three areas your priority from your salary every month, get a property bought and pensions and savings topped up. Don't discuss with your partner - this is your planning for you.

If your planning means stopping contributing as much to a joint account or household expenses then that's fine. If your partner raises it then explain that you're happy to sit down and talk about it properly and then bring up provision for when you're older again. If he refuses to talk about that then make it clear that the two things are connected and you'll only discuss the one with the other.

You're only 50 and the other thing which I think that you need to think about is how you want the next 30 years to look. Realistically with a partner who is much older he will need care long before you. Typically this caring is done by the person closest to someone who usually then inherits the bulk of the estate. I would recommend asking him what his plans are for care as he ages. If he or his children mention caring explain that you won't be able to - you'll be working to fund your retirement. He needs to make provision for his own care in the same way as you are making provision for your retirement.

Are you working now? If not, I suggest you get back into the workforce and stay in it for as long as possible, put as much money as you can afford into your pension and save hard. And investigate mortgages for the over-50s. You might still be able to buy a small property.

I agree. In a long term supposedly loving partnership, people are supposed to trust and take care of each other. At least ensuring one’s partner is not homeless as a minimum.

Well said @dontbeabsurd