long term relationship mid 60s DP me 50+ no provisions despite wealth

[midlifefears]

I left my ex husband many years ago because he did not want to have children but 'forgot' to tell me. I then met another man who promised me the world including child and marriage. I waited through my mid 30s, my 40s and now I am in my early 50s. A child and marriage did not materialise. We did not even get engaged for all these years. DP has adult children. I have grown resentment ever since my 50th birthday and I also realised that now when my DP is mid 60s he made no provisions for in case something happens to him. Because I am not married to him I will literally end up on the street. The house is solely in his name and for his DCs to inherit, his private pension is for his DCs. We also rent a v expensive property due to work location. Outside it looks like a fabulous lifestyle but I really fear for my future. I tried to approach the topic and each time he shuts me down with 'oh you are all doom and gloom and want me to die already' - the point is I don't actually why would I? It would literally leave me homeless.
I thought about this even further - a paid carer at least would build something over the years ie savings, pension etc but he had nearly 15 years of me around and does not think about looking after me in the future.
I do not know what to think. I entered this relationship so many years ago on the basis of pure love and promise of life and future but now it seems he gets all the benefits of having a 'wife' without the costs of securing my future specially having in mind the age gap.
What would you think? What woudld you do? How do I secure my future?

Do you have any access to any of his money? If you don't, then you'll have to get a job or two to secure your future. Has he bought expensive things for you? Sell them.
Check you're eligible for a state pension, check what benefits you're entitled to, check if the local authority would house you. Don't provide care for free instead of working for money.

You know what your future holds if you stay with him.

I would leave.

@midlifefears

I think it's difficult to move on and can take time to come to terms and manage that. When you give your all to a relationship and realise that the man you love never compromises its sad. He has what he wants and expects you to go along with that. Sounds like my chap too.

Get out and don't become his carer and then lose your home when he passes without any thoughts of where you would live afterwards.

Good luck

Op it's very difficult to advise on how you can secure your future if you are not willing to share how things are now.
No one is asking you to post your bank accounts

He works?
Do you?
Do you have equal access to money? Any pension?
Do you have a credit history?

I'm reading this as you don't work because you looked after him, you were ill and as I said before you are in a gilded cage, reliant on him with no access to money and living in his house so fairly trapped.
I think the first thing is to find a job
Could you find something with accommodation as part of the job?
Housekeeper for example ?
If you had a good career could you pick it up again once you are away from him and settled?

He sounds horrendous, no one is doubting that

I'm not understanding all this talk about carers. He's only mid 60s and you 50s - ive got many friends in similar age gap relationships and there is no guarantee that either will be a carer for either - the younger could be the one requiring a carer, the older may be independent up until death etc. Is he already unwell for his age? Anyway if you stay with him you can make it clear you won't be taking on that role and he can arrange paid care if and when he needs it.

How dreadfully sad your summation of your relationship is. Sad tho it is, I agree it’s true. Yr partner has been less than honest, I think that’s the kindest thing I will say about him! I’d like to say more regarding his character - there are many adjectives that fit the bill, but what’s the point, he is self serving.

To stay long term possibly as a carer for this man who hasn’t played fair, I don’t think I’d be entertaining that one.

I’m so sorry for your hurt and disappointment.

to answer your questions yes I do work despite a career break but currently in a minimum wage job and self employed due to nature of the role.
I had a career at an executive level and I was always doing well however my divorce, illness and other factors affected it. In the meantime I have been in this relationship and ever since my setback I can not get back on track with work.
I have qualifications, experince and strong cv, admittedly with gaps now filled by minimum wage jobs where people can not understand how from well paid person I ended up here. My pension will be only state pension. I did not get anything from my divorce as I was supporting my ex. My DP has a large network of professionals inclduing recruiters but despite me asking for years to put a word for me, it never happens. One of his colleagues even suggested in front of me that I could join them but it was never followed through. I genuinely believe he doesnt want me to have a good, well paid and fulfilling job. Whenever I talk about work and my struggles he just leaves the room and changes the topic. His ex wife was at home depressed but when she left him, she suddenly had jobs and got on with her life. My self esteem is very low.
It is very difficult to jump start your career after a set back.

I appreciate those who say it is my responsibility to look after myself. Yes, it is but like most things in life nothing is ever black and white. Time is of essence here and at times when I could have should have done this or the other I was unable due to health and other issues I will not discuss. Ultimately I invested a lot of time and feelings into this. To be then misled is a painful result to be facing. An average married person raises their value 16% each year they remain married (it is an asset based calculation made by economists and widely available knowledge). Marriage is about buidling that security. Security I am after. I have been ill to the point I was unable to work so I know what it means. I do not think my expectations are unreasonable considering the circumstances ( I was promissed marraige and family once I get divorced) of the entire relationship and the wealth my DP builds.

Did your career at an executive level not include a private pension? That would be unusual. Have you checked?

OP - I don’t think your expectations are unreasonable, but the fact is that they clearly weren’t shared by your DP. I’d leave as soon as you can, and do t underestimate how many men of his age and wealth bracket would love to have a relationship with a younger woman without children. May you find happiness and fulfilment in a relationship with someone who values you, because this man seems not to and that - rather then the financial provisions he may or may not have made - seems to be the real issue.

Christ, this is tragic 😥.

You don't sound like you're leaving, so I'd advise you emotionally disengage. You've both fucked your future, but you can still do something about this.

First I'd pray to all the Gods high and low that he lives for some time yet, while you're focus on working and saving every penny you can so should the selfish twat die before you, you at least have something to fall back on.

You are still in fantasy land about how you would like things to be rather than facing the bleak reality of the truth.

God help you as it doesn't sound like you will help yourself.

OP are you sure you didn’t have a work place pension when you worked at exec level? This sounds very unusual.

You are still dwelling on what you were promised and not the reality of your situation.

Time to get a career going again and a workplace pension. I’m putting in max contribution to mine and my employer matches that. It means I’ve built up a lot pension in a short time.

Please get a grip of all your outgoings for things that are not yours. How much are you contributing to an inheritance for your partners children? Stop all of that and start looking for your own property to move in to.

You would be a fool to bumble around until your partner dies and then find you have nothing and are living off a basic pension of £12k a year and pension credits.

@Catoo yep I agree- OP I think he has behaved incredibly shitty and totally unfair - however he clearly hasn’t got married for a reason and hence you need to put yourself first - he certainly hasn’t- start looking at other jobs, start banging away some cash- stop contributing to anything that benefits him and as soon as you can find somewhere else to move to - even if it’s a ‘share’ with another woman- as it is you could I’m sure continue with a flash lifestyle ‘on paper’ and end up on your mid 60s in a position of nothing with not much leaway to earn - if you are 55 or over- start looking if you have any over 55 flats to rent - either locally or elsewhere if you can go anywhere and are willing to do so. Housing 21 is a good site for this as is anchor -get practical!!

Op, I'm sorry you're going through this, it's very sad that this its a one sided relationship. 50 is not old, I married later than that, I took a career break for several years, due to a work related incident and went back to work at 61 for a completely different job and company.
You need to look after you. Once you're away from the situation you'll feel a lot happier.

days are passing by and nothing changes, I cry daily because I am so helpless as how to tackle this - on low income I can not plan anything.
I apply for jobs weekly but hear nothing back. I have multiple versions of my cv to fit differet requirements.
One of PP suggested job with accommodation. The only one I can think of is carer for an elderly person but at that point I am thinking I should be looking after my elderly mother (in her 80s) that would be for free. Maybe live in carer is a good idea. Pay for storage and move into a bedroom. I need a decent income to be free and able to decide what is next. Sorry just rumbling here. DP yells at me daily about literally everything. As an example when I cook dinner for us both and ask him to tidy up after and hoover crumbs on the floor he yells that the rules annoy him, if I say let's not walk in shoes around the house so it is nice and clean it annoys him, if I ask him to help me hang washing (big items) it annoys him. Everything that is related to keeping home clean annoys him (he is not particularly clean person) and he errupts each time I mention something needs to be done. It feels like his attitude is that if I want it certain way than I have to do it myself. I think he is of an opinion that a woma at home is to do the stuff. We have very different standards but when we met he was very much on his best behaviour so for few years I thought he is that very pristine clean man. It was just for show to lure me in. He knew what I like so he was prepared to do it for as long as needed to attract me. His house was discusting and I should have judged it better then. I am in therapy which he doesnt know about and obviously it costs money. I wonder should I continue my weekly therapy or should I stop and put that money aside. Mental wellbeing is very important and the therapist helps me navigate it. My biggest challenge is really not having the income that would sustain me. He completely crushed my confidence over the years but I understand it was necessary for him so that he can control me.
My therapist pointed out how one sided this situation is with all the benefits going to DP but when I mention how much he benefits he argues he doesn't. He is a master of twisting and confusion. The problem is nobody sees and hears the arguments so nobody would believe his behaviour. There is nobody who would say 'hang on but you are wrong'. To the outside world he looks like a normal guy and more likely to make me look like I am in wrong. When I speak he interrupts, rolls his eyes in front of me and yells pointing his finger at me. He thinks it is ok, that this is the way to communicate. Never says sorry.

He's awful op. Look to the future. Move into your mother's? Don't stay with this abusive man.

Anything has to be better than crying daily.

Can you visit housing and say your homeless due to fleeing him?

So sorry op it sounds awful

If you left you'd surely be entitled to benefits and housing benefit. Have you enough saved to at least cover initial expenses?

What about ringing Women's Aid for some advice as what you are experiencing is surely emotional abuse. Good luck.

Is there a reason you can’t move in with your mother?

Is there a reason you haven’t approached Women’s Aid and your council to see what sort of housing and benefits you might be eligible for?

living with mother not possible
Women's Aid I have no clue how it works. I never claimed any benefits. I admit I am scared of making decisions and mistakes. I think it is all down to being conditioned that I am always wrong and all is my fault. The reason he is the way he is, is my fault (in his eyes).

Phone WA asap

Why is living with your mother not possible?

What a silly question. Why not take her at her word? Perhaps her mother is hostile, unsupportive, or elderly and in a care home. This is not a supportive comment.

She said previously she may end up caring for her mother so clearly the mum isn’t in a care home yet.

OP has a defeatist attitude toward everything. She needs to push through that and not automatically dismiss suggestions with “not possible” or “I don’t know how.” If she doesn’t start being creative, open-minded and resourceful about potential solutions, she’s going to remain stuck as an aging penniless skivvy to an abusive arsehole.

Asking her to delve more deeply into her reasoning is helpful. She apparently came here for help.

And who appointed you the comments police?

Can you ask your therapist to help you contact women’s aid? Have you told the therapist you want to leave but don’t know what or how to do it?

Can you not apply for sheltered accommodation with the your local authority