long term relationship mid 60s DP me 50+ no provisions despite wealth

[midlifefears]

I left my ex husband many years ago because he did not want to have children but 'forgot' to tell me. I then met another man who promised me the world including child and marriage. I waited through my mid 30s, my 40s and now I am in my early 50s. A child and marriage did not materialise. We did not even get engaged for all these years. DP has adult children. I have grown resentment ever since my 50th birthday and I also realised that now when my DP is mid 60s he made no provisions for in case something happens to him. Because I am not married to him I will literally end up on the street. The house is solely in his name and for his DCs to inherit, his private pension is for his DCs. We also rent a v expensive property due to work location. Outside it looks like a fabulous lifestyle but I really fear for my future. I tried to approach the topic and each time he shuts me down with 'oh you are all doom and gloom and want me to die already' - the point is I don't actually why would I? It would literally leave me homeless.
I thought about this even further - a paid carer at least would build something over the years ie savings, pension etc but he had nearly 15 years of me around and does not think about looking after me in the future.
I do not know what to think. I entered this relationship so many years ago on the basis of pure love and promise of life and future but now it seems he gets all the benefits of having a 'wife' without the costs of securing my future specially having in mind the age gap.
What would you think? What woudld you do? How do I secure my future?

Personally I don’t agree with all those who says it’s right his wealth should go to his kids- this woman has been with him a very good number of years by the sound of it and I think it’s incredibly unfair not to make some provision at all for her should anything happen -I’m not saying she should copy the lot but I certainly think 50/50 would be fair. I do think OP though if he hadn’t married me or made provision and children never happened despite promises- I would have been calling it a day after say 5 years

Move out. Cut your losses and start to focus on yourself. You might be able to work another fifteen years or so. Don't drag it out, just make some basic plans and go.

If he cared about you, he would have seen you right. But he hasn't.

You are right to be concerned but don’t panic.
I am assuming he is reasonably fit and well and not unpleasant to you?
Look at what you are paying in terms of household expenses assuming it’s only half then you are living rent free.
Get a job if you don’t have one and if you do maybe if you don’t do more than your fair share at home you can work extra hours or get a promotion.
Adjust your lifestyle so you can
start to save - this might mean telling him you can’t afford to pay for holidays nights out or whatever.
Check out what your legal rights are

Easy to say but rip the plaster off. Mentally at least. If you haven't saved, start doing so, ferociously! And plot you way out. He's made his position clear, don't waste another day hoping things might change. Even if he wants to leave his estate to his children, he could have got you included on life insurance!

How have bills and things been shared? Do you have a pension?

OP chose to stay even without getting married or having children.

She has lived rent free for many years and has financially benefitted from their relationship.

Its not her responsibility to financially take care of him if he hadn’t bothered to make provisions for himself, so why is it his responsibility to provide for her.

She should have quite considerable savings that will allow her to live comfortably.

I have DC from a previous relationship and they come first. They would inherit everything when I die.
I don’t think me having a man live rent free with me for 15 years should mean that they go without.

Sorry re - read your first post - he owns a house but you also rent somewhere?
Since you aren’t married you have no obligation to either provide or pay for care if he needs it .

This

@midlifefearsare you working ?
if you’re mid fifties you’ll have another 10/12 years of work. Which part of the country are you in ? Could you get a small property?

I don't think OP is coming back. She's been very very passive throughout all this, plus the penny seems to have only just dropped about the predicament she's in.

It is difficult to tell a full story here but over the years there were all sorts of family situations with elderly parents, losses, illnesses which I did not share here. There was always a reason why it was not the right time so to say I was passive is perhaps a bit harsh. I would say I was considerate and naive. I always kept in mind the circumstances we were in at the time and full of understanding as any partner would be I was sharing his views. Little did I know it was all manipulation and the years were just passing by.
For those who say he doesn't have to leave me anything - those of you who are married or divorced like myself - we know about bulding equity and assets and how it all works that as a couple you aquire and share the wealth together. Any experienced solictor would say - it is a contract therfore a business and it is very beneficial for both parties. It only becomes tricky if there are children from former relationships and inheritance planning comes to play. I realised he did not really every wanted anymore children and it was all a lie to lure me in, a young mid 30s girl that he could show off. He calculated that if he just keeps the poll moving, me being soft and naive will fall for anything and so I did. He was lecturing me about loyalty and honesty and honour and all sorts of values to keep it all very regal and grandious where really and truly he had this all planned out. I'll keep giving her just about enough of the lifestyle that it will be difficult to drop and she will be by my side without any investment on my part. Nasty and calculated. I have known this for few years now so it is not that the penny dropped. I have been aware I just did not have the courage to speak about it.

I thought long term partners had right to claim to deceased partner's estate especially part of any property they lived in that was owned by partner?
But I notice you live in rental.
Consult a solicitor re. what rights you would have.
Are you sure you're not in his Will?

Oh op, reading this sends me into a cold sweat! You don’t say if you’ve been saving but I would save, save & save more in your position. Literally every penny. Yes you could leave e& rent but then all your money would be on rent. He sounds v callous & definitely doesn’t have your back.

i think you just need to bite the bullet and leave him. Is he likely to need a carer? If you leave once he needs one you eill
be seen as the villain.

I don’t think you should leave him op, I think you need to be as calculated as he has been and get massively saving. All tge while, pretending to adore him & express happiness at the thought of looking after him in his old age. Serves him right!

So you have earned and not paid any mortgage or rent? You should be oka for money. Apologies if I missed something

and mid 30s is not a girl!

If you've had 20 years working in a professional job and not paying rent or mortgage I'd imagine you've saved a fair bit. I'm not sure why your partner needs to support you -why can't you support yourself.

Have you been working all these years?

Why have you not provided for yourself OP? You've been given a lovely house to live in rent free, you have no children to care for, you have been working. Where has all your own money gone?

You sound very bitter and I don't altogether blame you, but ultimately you have made choices that put you in the situation you are now. You need to start looking forward. You potentially have another 30 or 40 years to go of life. The worst possible option I think is to stick around full of resentment to the point where you hate your companion. I would take a careful view of your financial prospects, see a solicitor, and once you are sure of what you want, take action; either close the door on the past, ask for more within the relationship right now and be prepared to leave if you don't get it, or set up a life on your own.

still waiting on the OP to answer about savings. I suspect they may not have much. And if they have been working - as they should have - living rent free then savings they should have.

And im with other posters who point out that someone in their mid-30s is a fully fledged adult not a girl.

i think the OP bears a fair bit of responsibility here. JMO

Your last post makes it sound like you're trying to shift all the responsibility for your mistakes onto him. As far as I can see he's provided you with a pretty good lifestyle.

If you stay with him and he dies before you then you can make a claim against his estate if his Will does not make reasonable financial provision for you ( or if there is no Will if the intestacy rules don't do so and they won't as you are a cohabitee).

To bring a claim you need to be in a relationship akin to marriage and dependant on him ( you can work). The fact you rent thd current home doesn't prevent a claim if he has other assets.

That approach means you have to stay with him in a relationship until his death unless the current government brings in the promised changes to cohabitation rights.

You do need to speak to a family lawyer so you have an idea of options - many will say that the "one life" argument should prevail and you should get on with your life rather than wait.

I am sorry you are in this position as it is easy to get sucked in and for the years to pass by.

Sounds like it’s more complicated than your initial post suggests.
I hope you didn’t give up work to nurse his parents or anything daft. It’s not too late lots of people work into their 70s these days- not ideal but you have options.

I don’t think the money situation sounds unfair to me op. It’s awful if he misled you about kids etc. but you have been supported financially by him for years and you didn’t have any kids,etc so it’s not as if you sacrificed your earnings for joint kids. I’m a single mum and I didn’t marry my ex because I wanted to keep the wealth I had built for myself and my kids.

I think that you need to start to take some ownership over your life, OP. You can’t blame everyone else but yourself, but you do need to accept that you carry some of the responsibility for the situation you find yourself in. These things weren’t just done to you, you weren’t a passive passenger with no agency or choices. You had choices, you made some that you clearly now regret. And you were also strung along- but, realistically, you must have realised that was the case and still chose to stay. Once you accept you were the co-author of your own dissatisfaction, then you can make changes to put yourself in a different position.

You cannot avoid the facts made a series of choices to stay with this man- he may have strung you along, but you could have decided after a few years that your desire for children was more important than your relationship or the lifestyle it provided. But, for whatever reason, you decided to stay with him. I think you must of known by the time you were heading towards 40, and definitely by the time you were in your early forties, that you were heading into “now or never” territory, and still made a choice to prioritise your relationship.

You should have been saving and paying into a pension, given you were not married to your partner. You also seem to have known for a long time that the house he owns and his pension are going to his children. Which is right, I think. Having not saved, I think you should try to do so now- could you perhaps look into buying your own property?

It is also clear that your relationship is over. You feel too much anger and resentment towards him for this to work. And i’m not saying you are wrong to be angry, but really why continue a relationship with someone you don’t like, who you resent, who you feel has lied to and betrayed you?