long term relationship mid 60s DP me 50+ no provisions despite wealth

[midlifefears]

I left my ex husband many years ago because he did not want to have children but 'forgot' to tell me. I then met another man who promised me the world including child and marriage. I waited through my mid 30s, my 40s and now I am in my early 50s. A child and marriage did not materialise. We did not even get engaged for all these years. DP has adult children. I have grown resentment ever since my 50th birthday and I also realised that now when my DP is mid 60s he made no provisions for in case something happens to him. Because I am not married to him I will literally end up on the street. The house is solely in his name and for his DCs to inherit, his private pension is for his DCs. We also rent a v expensive property due to work location. Outside it looks like a fabulous lifestyle but I really fear for my future. I tried to approach the topic and each time he shuts me down with 'oh you are all doom and gloom and want me to die already' - the point is I don't actually why would I? It would literally leave me homeless.
I thought about this even further - a paid carer at least would build something over the years ie savings, pension etc but he had nearly 15 years of me around and does not think about looking after me in the future.
I do not know what to think. I entered this relationship so many years ago on the basis of pure love and promise of life and future but now it seems he gets all the benefits of having a 'wife' without the costs of securing my future specially having in mind the age gap.
What would you think? What woudld you do? How do I secure my future?

I told someone the other day that it takes many women 30-40 years to open their eyes to ‘what being treated badly by a man’ looks like and do something about it! You’ve just got there!

I’m in two minds about this. Yes, I agree it’s awful and unfortunate for you but also feel that you do seem to have benefitted massively, whilst also seemingly having no agency over your own life and choices.

Someone in my family is in a similar position (but on the other side). Owns her own place and shares it with her partner who has been provided with a rent-free home for 30+ years (before this he was living in some shitty place he never would have got out of).

Other than paying half the bills he’s contributed nothing and hasn’t made ANY provision for himself for when she goes into a home or passes away. She’s not left him anything in her will because rightly it’s all going to her children. It’s on HIM to provide for himself and his future. She’s given him enough.

You need to work, if you are not already and save like mad. Purchase a flat and rent it out. This can be fixed but use the free housing to help you along on your way.

People haven't been harsh. The sad reality is that op is in a very difficult position now, and as not a high earner, will struggle to make practical arrangements eg even over quite a few years hiding enough to psychology a deposit will be extremely hard.

Sorry autocorrect. Not pyschology. I mean how is she supposed to squirrel away enough for a house deposit, magically?

Op we need more details
Are you working now?
If not get a job ASAP
It sounds like you are in a gilded cage, trapped by the nice lifestyle you have but knowing it will all go poof when he dies.

Quietly make plans, do not let on what you are doing

@midlifefears are you able to secure a home of your own?

You have lived mortgage/rent free for 2 decades. That was a massive financial help. The kind you hear about when younger generation say they managed to buy a property for x amount by a young age, and everyone jumps on with negativity to say yeah but only because they lived rent free with parents. He give you financial freedom to either be able to spend your wages on a better lifestyle than you could afford if you were paying for rent or mortgage, or you could have saved or invested it. That was your golden goose. Most dont get that opportunity. You could have saved those 1st few years then realised you needed a backup plan or investment of your own if his house was to go to his children. You could have had your own mortgage on a buy to let or just saved for your retirement. That is a position most won't be lucky enough to end up in.

I completely agree!

I thought about this even further-a paid carer at least would build something over the years ie savings, pension etc but he had nearly 15 years of me around and does not think about looking after me in the future.

You've had 15 years to build up YOUR savings and pension though. Why could a carer do that but not you?

I do not know what to think. I entered this relationship so many years ago on the basis of pure love and promise of life and future but now it seems he gets all the benefits of having a 'wife' without the costs of securing my future

If feels like you entered this relationship presuming it was his job to provide for you for evermore, whereas that is your job! He's not your husband, you don't have his children. What job/jobs have you done since you left school?

Going forwards, as I presume you don't want to be his unpaid carer, what are you going to do now, @midlifefears ?

Then what have you saved and what are your own pension arrangements?

What's the reason for wanting to leave the relationship after all this time? Because you wont get lots of money after he dies?

Would he put in his will that you can live in the property until you pass away, then the kids can inherit it? I have heard of this in these types of situations (step kids).

That’s a ridiculous comment. After this long together, he should be ensuring she is looked after if he were to pass away first. (By looked after, I mean not homeless and penniless - he could put in his will that his kids inherit his house but she can live there until she passes. That’s a common solution in this situation).

Yes a claim can be made but any provision is likely to be minimal. This isn’t good advice.

What are Common Law Partner Rights After Death? The legal right of a common law partner upon the death of one half of the relationship will heavily differ to those of a married couple. Essentially, unless your partner leaves a will indicating that they wish for elements of, or their whole estate to pass to you, you will not automatically inherit any of their estate.
While your rights are minimal, in some cases you may be able to make a claim at court against your deceased partner’s estate. This type of claim will only apply if no provision has been made for the surviving partner in the deceased’s Last Will and Testament. However, even with this court action, a common law partner will not be treated the same way as a spouse, so you could only likely expect minimal provisions

he should be ensuring she is looked after if he were to pass away first
Why? Where's the personal responsibility?
What if the dc want to live in their family home?

Agree with this.
Take responsibility for being duped and going along with it.
Stop wasting energy on blame.
Wake up to exactly how perilous your situation is.
Start saving ruthlessly.
If you do not have a morgage or home in your name you should be doing that anyway.

Have you paid towards his house repairs innany way?
If not he could not have been clearer that he was keeping his assets for his children.
No one is forcing you to hang around and be used as his carer, that is completely on you to allow.

I feel very sorry for you but you need to own that no one forced you to stay and accept so little.

Take control now quickly and bank as much as you can.
Your retirement will be very harsh if you don't make provision for yourself now.

he should be ensuring she is looked after if he were to pass away first.

No-they are not married, they don't share children. It's down to her to ensure she is looked after, nobody else.

Well, then he will have to pay for a carer when he needs help as he ages.

Totally shocked it’s taken to being 50+ to think about saving for your future. Getting divorced in my 30’s was a wake up all for me so surprised it wasn’t for you. Lucky You have lived rent free, what a win, that’s not mean. Your relationship could end at any time so surely you’ve thought through being a grown up and looking after yourself. Why should a woman in 2025 expect to be looked after esp after partners death
. Seems like you’re getting good advice about enjoying your rather nice set up and to open your eyes and start planning but please don’t just stay for him for a roof over your head then you are the meanie. I am also all for the money going to the kids if it went to you then you married or left it all to someone else you had a relationship it would be unfair further down the line.

But if your not married then surely it's up to you to make sure you think about your own finances as you go into old age. And it sounds like the only reason for wanting to leave this long term relationship is to go off and find a man she can marry just for financial reasons.

Your friends are right.

I'm sorry.

I wouldn't stay.

Try and forget about the past, forget about his grandiose words and put the facts of your financials on paper. How much pension do you have? Have much in savings do you have? Then work out a plan. There's not a cat in hells chance of me ever looking after a partner in old age if once they died I'd be made homeless.
So stop worrying about upsetting him, his children or worrying about arguing. He's made his position clear - you are not a priority for him. You could be as cold hearted as him if you have no deposit for a flat/house and live with him rent free until you can afford to get your own place. Time to make a plan and be in control of your own future.

I’m divorced with children and if I get into a serious relationship again I wouldn’t want to become responsible for my partner financially or for them to inherit from me in priority to my children. I would however be very clear on that from the beginning. Equally I wouldn’t expect a partner to provide for me financially.

I don’t really agree that living with someone is a contract where you agree to share finances or that it’s financially abusive not to pool wealth with someone you’re in a romantic relationship with (that’s what marriage is for). You assumed that financial support and pooling of assets is implied by living with someone for a long time. He clearly didn’t assume that and unfortunately the law is on his side. It sounds like a lot of what’s gone wrong here is a lack of communication about finances, perhaps intentionally on his part.

But no one should ever rely completely on a cohabiting partner to provide for them long term unless assets are actually put into their name. As if you split up you can be left with nothing.

You may be able to do something relatively cheaply to provide some security if he dies though e.g life interest trust in house which would then go to his children when you die or life insurance for him.

The scales have finally fallen from your eyes.

I think however you need to be realistic that what you're experiencing now is not solely down to him deceiving you. A contributory factor is that you as the adult partner 50% of the relationship were willing to turn a blind eye to the decades you've invested in the relationship and took no action to protect yourself financially. You can't blame your partner for that, and he had no vested interest in helping you because "I'm alright Jack".

to your question

What would you think? What woudld you do? How do I secure my future?

you can only secure your future by firstly recognising there is no magic money tree coming from him. He has locked down his financial assets and prevented you from any form of protection and benefit.

if you have a job and any savings, you have to make the adult decision as to whether you stay in the property or leave. Or stay in the property to build up a cash pile and then leave. Not sure if he charges you rent, if not staying for now and building enough money to leave is all you can do,

I can imagine this is a horrible place to feel like you're in - being this vulnerable. For sure he doesn't have your best interests at heart - he never has - otherwise he would have asked you to marry him, but he probably knew this would mean you'd be entitled to half of the joint assets should you divorce.

You haven't said anything about savings so I presume you don't have any. I would enquire about over 50s housing, stay in the relationship and squirrel away as much of your money as you can to get a rainy day fund going. It's tough out there on one income, especiallyy renting alone. But you need to start working on your self-esteem and making yourself as secure as you can.

Thank you for your comments. Unfortunately I will not be sharing all details here but I do think that people who have a bit more rounded view on this situation and life are those who (like me) do not see the world black and white only.
A lot can happen in 20 years - me looking after him after serious accident for example. Me helping with my money (savings) injecting into his business for as long as my savings depleted. Business going down. Me being ill etc. There is a fair amount of very harsh comments and I accept that but also many mature, reflective and often to the point comments from those who I believe have a bit more life experience. Anyhow yes time to act. I already have a modest property abroad and savings. He wanted me to sell this property and combine assets and I said ok when we are married and have a baby (that was years ago). Even around my 50th the topic was still on but at that point I said that since we are not married and have not got children together why would I now want to combine assets and who will be the beneficiary in the end? Of course his DCs. This would mean that my investment would dissolve in the bigger scheme of things and to get the proportional amount of money out later would be expensive in legal fees if not also nearly impossible. My point is not what I expect from him, my point is how I got misled over the years and blinded by stories, plans and promises. I thought we had each others best interest at heart but he was a very calculated man with a plan. Even today when I talk about how I would like to invest my money or ask for his opnion on pensions he gets wind up. After my illness it was difficutl for me to get back to work. He has a huge network of people who even asked for my details to help with work but he did not help me at all and avoided passing on details. All he was saying is that I do not have to and should not work. The person who really helped me with work was actually my ex husband. Things started to be more and more clear after I recovered. Guilded cage, yes. And yes there is an expactation I will be his carer as he does mention it out loud amongst people that I will always be by his side becasue we make such a great team. No we don't.

And yes there is an expactation I will be his carer as he does mention it out loud amongst people that I will always be by his side becasue we make such a great team. No we don't.

Good for you-I'd be leaving now before the caring role kicks in.