long term relationship mid 60s DP me 50+ no provisions despite wealth

[midlifefears]

I left my ex husband many years ago because he did not want to have children but 'forgot' to tell me. I then met another man who promised me the world including child and marriage. I waited through my mid 30s, my 40s and now I am in my early 50s. A child and marriage did not materialise. We did not even get engaged for all these years. DP has adult children. I have grown resentment ever since my 50th birthday and I also realised that now when my DP is mid 60s he made no provisions for in case something happens to him. Because I am not married to him I will literally end up on the street. The house is solely in his name and for his DCs to inherit, his private pension is for his DCs. We also rent a v expensive property due to work location. Outside it looks like a fabulous lifestyle but I really fear for my future. I tried to approach the topic and each time he shuts me down with 'oh you are all doom and gloom and want me to die already' - the point is I don't actually why would I? It would literally leave me homeless.
I thought about this even further - a paid carer at least would build something over the years ie savings, pension etc but he had nearly 15 years of me around and does not think about looking after me in the future.
I do not know what to think. I entered this relationship so many years ago on the basis of pure love and promise of life and future but now it seems he gets all the benefits of having a 'wife' without the costs of securing my future specially having in mind the age gap.
What would you think? What woudld you do? How do I secure my future?

I feel like I have read this before. Did you post some time ago about him and taking your money for a business and trying to combine assets?

Seems like he still hasn’t changed.

You still have some time to grow a career and top up pensions. Sounds like he owes you money from his failed business unless it was a joint business? I would try and find a way to get that back if you can. Are there any joint accounts you have access to?

Anyway, definitely seems like it’s time for you to take action. Don’t spend your 50s and 60s skivvying for a man who tried to take everything you have and is happy to leave you with nothing.

Your first post says you would literally be left homeless then your last post says you own a property. I'm sorry you taken me for a ride I won't be commenting any further on this pointless thread.

@Leafy74 a modest holiday property shared with another person (not DP) is hardly a home in the UK where my life is. Like I said I do not need to share details of my bank statements here. The thread is about partners attitude to each other not who owns what and in what %.

I may have missed something in your posts but I don't understand why you don't just leave? Live the rest of your life peacefully and independently.

Oh I think I recognise you op as you have posted about him before and you have been unhappy for some time. Hasn’t he been putting pressure on you to share all your finances with him and he wanted you to buy a place together? Why didn’t you want to do that?

Be honest OP, all you wanted from this thread was for loads of people to agree with you and you're pissed off that that hasn't happened.

Sorry OP but he has been very very clear about who he is but you have been determined to look the other way.
I am a 60 year old woman and have a lot of life experience.
Men NEVER invest money with emotion, only women.
He very very clearly thinks you are a complete mug and has treated you as such.

Keep your plans to yourself and start thinking and acting with your head.

He does not care a whit for you and never has.
You are an appliance to be used and tossed away.
Your future after him means nothing to him.

If you can seek good inexpensive legal advice, perhaps you can find out if you have a claim on his property because of the business loan?
His word against yours?
He might pay you off to get rid of you?
But for now, keep your plans completely to yourself.

Not only does he not want you to benefit in any way from his assets, he has used yours up and is determined that you be left in the worst situation possible.

Not only does he not love you, he doesn't even like you.

That's one nasty man you have invested so much in and been madly in love with.

Get yourself counselling to figure that out while you start saving ruthlessly.

Good luck.

He wanted me to sell this property and combine assets and I said ok when we are married and have a baby (that was years ago). Even around my 50th the topic was still on but at that point I said that since we are not married and have not got children together why would I now want to combine assets and who will be the beneficiary in the end? Of course his DCs.

so with your more recent update, you were astute enough to push back on his expectations. But honestly @midlifefears literally everything you've described is all to his benefit, he sounds abusive to you by trying to inveigle his way into your financial investments to benefit his already highly advantageous finances.

please please leave this monster.

i don't know if I am one of the people you think is being too harsh on you. If so, I'm sorry if I come across as not being on your side, but I do feel your latest update gives a very very different perspective on your past life with this man, and not in a good way,

Sorry, in what way was the OP expecting people to agree with her? If anything she's been brave enough to be honest about the circumstances and wants support in navigating out of it, so your comment is pretty mean and unsupportive.

That was my first thought that the OP posted last year about this and despite all the good advice had still done nothing to change the situation or take any accountability for being a passive observer in her own life.

I hope it’s same OP and that there’s not two of these scenarios going on.

I do agree with this pist.

While I think the OP has been abused and psychologically controlled for twenty years snd her “partner “ is being selfish and abusive right now there is no way forward but to follow the very good advice in this post.

OP needs to break the chains and move out. Start living for herself.

👏🏻👏🏻 And for him to have actively blocked her gaining employment after illness when other people tried to help her secure work? He is deliberately financially abusive.

I think PP are correct about setting yourself up. Id be putting maximum into my pension at this stage and looking to earn extra for the 5th decade if I could to supplement my retirement.

Look after yourself

Leave in your head but stay for now. There is no point paying rent and you will need time to make plans. Save. Make sure you are not paying more than your fair share. Tell him if he needs to increase what he pays I to the family pot. Pick a date to leave and focus on that. Make sure you won't struggle. 50 isn't old. You cwn still meet someone but don't make yourself destitute. You need to be smart. He owes you that.

I hope going public with this is just the first step on building your future. Yes, he has strung you along for about twenty years BUT you could easily live another thirty years. Make the change now and consign him to history. Of course there will be difficult times but what have you got to lose?

I don’t agree with second marriages when one or both have children. We see so many threads where the older dc get shafted. The only way it works for older dc is if there is generous provision made for them in a Will. Otherwise their parents money and remember also often their grandparent’s money goes to the last spouse of their parent.

No it he shouldn’t put a house he owned or paid for in half op name.
Op had a job and time to save if she was not paying a mortgage.
If she wants to stay, she could ask for the house to be for her to live in until her death or a settlement in the Will of less say 25%, if he says no, she is free to leave. As for losing the chance to have a child, that is her problem, she is a woman and we all know how long we are able to have dc is finite. I knew someone who left in her late 30s as she wanted dc, she was married. But she didn’t find anyone else suitable and lost her chance now in her mid 40s realistically because the next person messed her about too.

It must be very difficult to be in this situation. After so many years, even if you know what needs to be done, initiating a change is not easy.

I would start with improving communication with my partner. Instead of making assumptions, clearly talking about your worries and feelings, without blaming. Just tell him how you feel and perhaps ask for help. If he could help you to buy a property to rent out, which can be either your income in the future or your place to live.

Good luck! Whatever you decide to do, choose the option makes you happy!

You don't sound happy with him @midlifefears. Plan and get out as soon as you can. Best of luck with it.

In the eyes of the law you are both single people. His assets are left to his children, you knew of their existence when you got together. If you have always worked, with no family to raise you should have plenty of your own money, why do you need his? If he’s in his mid 60s, he’s not going to get married now. I’d stay put and make your own provisions.

It’s different if you had been together for decades and they were your children, but neither is true. You didn’t sacrifice your career so his could flourish, you didn’t look after children and financial lose out that way, I don’t understand why you need a slice of his pie?

Your original post ended with the question how do I secure my future? I'm not sure why this is coming into your head when the guy is only in his 60s, is he in poor health? He could live another 40 years. If your suddenly starting to think of your finances now your in your 50s and havent been doing the necessary up until now then the first step is to have a conversation about his Will etc. If he isnt interested and just wants it all left to his kids then I guess you can leave the relationship if that's what it all boils down to.

You haven't explained why you expected him to provide for you instead of doing that yourself. You seem old fashioned in your expectations of him.

I think op subscribes to
'What's yours is ours, what's mine is mine' school of life!

I don’t understand why you need a slice of his pie?

I suppose it depends on one's attitude to a partnership/relationship, and how transactional you want it to be.

In the eyes of the law is one thing, but when one shares one's life with another person, there could be a reasonable expectation that each person will have the other's best interests at heart. The OP has explained that her partner hasn't expressed a glimmer of caring towards her, quite the opposite, he has always been tripping over himself to get his grubby mitts on any assets she possesses with no sign of reciprocating.

so if heaven forfend, this Prince amongst Men were to pop his clogs, the OP can look forward to a 6 month notice of eviction from the DC so they can take possession of their asset. That's bloody heartbreaking but it's reality.

She's been living in hope he will become someone different who actually cares about her wellbeing. Sadly there's no chance of that, and the years have gone by.

she has given him a fair slice of her pie when she gave him some savings to shore up his business. So she could theoretically expect him to reciprocate, but no way Jose.

Have you actually read all the OPs updates?

Do you not have your own pension?