I need a good rant - advice also helpful!

[Sunflowers67]

So, we have been together about 15 years now - living together for 14 of those.
I always knew he was a little 'quirky' but I suppose with family, friends, busy career, I was able to handle it better.
Now, we are both semi retired, my dad passed away so my mum lives with us (not easy, but what else can an only child do), the kids have left home and his 'quirky' little ways are far more noticeable, annoying and darn right hurtful at times.
We are also due to get married in two weeks and I don't think I'm gonna do it. It wont bother him if we don't, he'll just shrug his shoulders and carry on as usual. He wont leave our home or threaten to end the relationship - he never does. Sometimes I wish there would be a huge display of emotion and anger and then we can both just shout at each other, get it out of our systems and then communicate and repair. But he doesn't communicate, he never sees a problem and I am increasingly becoming immune and unfeeling towards him - I suppose its a form of self protection.
We have separate bedrooms, seperate interests and I would say we have lived together like two mates for years - except I don't treat my mates like this.

So, what does he do that is so bad? he doesn't drink much, he is not a cheat, he is not secretive, he would help anyone (except me), he tolerates my mother living with us, he gets on well with my grown up kids (he chooses not to see his family).
He has no emotions, he cannot 'read a room', he doesnt know when I am sad or worried or down as he cannot recognise body language or facial expressions. I have felt for quite some time that he is maybe autistic (his son is, which is why he chooses not to see him - he cant handle the skewed thoughts and strange behaviours from him and never did when he was a small child - the boy was raised by his alcoholic mother, we tried for custody but because we didn't get it, my other half then decided to not see the boy).
Not my style of parenting, but it was his choice.
Now, as we are getting on in years and my health has taken a down turn, I need his support and understanding more. And it isn't there. But then it never was.
I spend my days doing my own thing around the large property that we have - if we try and do something together, gardening, cleaning, maintenance, he just gets frustrated that I'm not doing it his way! So we work separately.
Many a time I have tried to talk to him and he takes it so personally, gets angry, wants very specific examples of how his behaviour has hurt me - and even if I do remember specifics, he then disputes it and turns it all around so as its me with the problem.
Then I am the one more upset, the one staying in my room wondering how my life amounted to this? And what dooes he do whilst I'm upset? He is carrying on as normal, in his own little world. He'll put some music on, he will sing and whistle and be merry. I suppose in his mind, this is me being me - moody, upset and I will snap out of it in a few days. Which I do. The hurt dissipates a little so I carry on functioning normally again - I will talk to him, I will get busy and then round we go again. Same old same old.
I have given up trying to talk to him, I know it does no good. I have tried to get us into some counselling but no where near me does 'couples counselling' - he is willing to go if I find somewhere. He is probably hoping that a counsellor will point out 'the error of my ways'.
I think what bothers me the most is the fact that it doesn't bother him that we are like this - that he is not upset, he doesn't try to talk to me about us, there is just nothing there with him.
I am upstairs now, typing this, and I can hear him downstairs singing away, happy and joyful. I feel like I want to go downstairs and hit him with the large skillet and scream 'feel that buster?!' - I wont, I'm not a violent person. But god does he bring out the worst in me.

Going our separate ways is probably the best option but its quite a scary thought to go it alone after 15 years - and then splitting all the assets, looking after mother, tending to this large place/or even having to sell it and split the proceeds, lawyers. He also would not leave the home so we would be living in more hell until everything was finalised and I am the only one that feels the pain of that.

I suppose I really want us/him to change. And I'm old enough to know that wont happen - been there/divorced that many years ago.

Thank you for letting me offload.

Is he autistic OP? The writing is on the wall with that one…….

@Sunflowers67 sorry to say this will never get any better. Perhaps cut your losses and call it off. Sending hugs x

Almost definitely - but he's in his 50s now, is very adverse to medications/doctors and always says he is 'perfect just as he is'.
I also feel that any label that is put on someone doesn't really help with their behaviours and how we relate and react to those behaviours. I have to either accept him for how he is or get out. The getting out part is quite scary - throwing yourself off of a cliff and not knowing what is below :-)

Might be naive but i do see maybe a glint of hope in the couples counselling, if you could extend your search a bit? But appreciate the issue here is that it's you making the effort again.

You need to bite the bullet and stop trying to breathe life into your relationship.

A relationship cannot work without both people on board. Someone who loves you, listens to you and makes changes or compromises when you're unhappy.

It sounds like he uses DARVO, turning your criticism of him against you and twisting your words. There's no point even attempting to talk to someone like this as he's just not interested in making things work.

He's happy as Larry, whistling to himself while you're miserable and he doesn't care. It doesn't matter what his diagnosis is; this relationship doesn't work for you and you're miserable.

Don't marry him, work out what you're owed financially if anything and start organising separation.

You can deal with your mother later, for now focus on this.

DARVO - yes agreed.
However, a part of me then wonders if he is right. Maybe I am too emotional, too feeling, maybe I have bi-polar, depression, just a hormonal female. Maybe he is perfect and that I am the cause of all the problems.
So why hasn't he got out? Why is he wanting to marry (although he has had no involvement in it, no making of arrangements, no choosing anything - everything has been organised by me, yet again.). It doesn't feel right, let alone romantic and special.
Marriage is off - I cant do it and I wont do it. This is not the life I want.

About a year ago I got to the stage whereby I told him I wanted out. He carried on whistling and singing, right up until I had an estate agent in to value the property - it would be split 3 ways as my mother, myself and him all own a third.
We started to discuss the plan and then, only then, did he try to talk to me about our relationship. He was going to arrange counselling (he didn't). My mother isn't a problem - we dont get on but she is very elderly and in need of basic help - but she will live with me.
Its just the bloody thought of all the house hunting, moving, paperwork, arguments and nastiness with him by then no doubt. And we will need solicitors as he will be so right about everything and I will be so wrong.......

oh why is life so complicated at times????

You just take it a step at a time and don't discuss the separation with him. Wait until you've received advice and worked out what you want to do.

I assume you do the housework, admin, cook and make his life comfortable. He's whistling away to himself because he's got it made. He turns everything around on you when you challenge him and skips off, evading responsibility.

That's pretty terrible that he doesn't see his autistic son. Awful awful

If he doesn't feel a sense of responsibility to and love for a vulnerable child, he'll NEVER feel it for you.

And he's clearly only interested in the financial advantages of being with you

This is all that you'll get from him forever.

You've still got many years of life ahead of you, OP. Is this how you want to live them?

Well, I've told him that I want to put the house on the market, that I am not marrying him and he said "okay". I then asked him if he had noticed how unhappy I had been recently? Had he noticed me being any different?
He felt that I had been quieter than usual.
I asked why he had not thought to ask me what was wrong and see if he could help in any way? (what I see as 'normal' couple communication).
Nope - because he is fed up pandering to my needs and with always being criticised by me.

I cannot drive at the moment as I am waiting for a serious operation on my spine - so he does take me to the supermarket (to get the family food!) and to a rare hospital appointment. He always prefers to drive anyway as its another of his little quirks.

As for criticising him - I had left a black bin bag outside my bedroom door a week ago as I was having a clear out. He took it downstairs (another quirk - it wasn't where it should be by the rubbish) and I said I wanted it by the bedroom as I hadn't finished with it.
Much huffing and puffing about 'cant do anything right'.
Of course, that then leads to him not taking any rubbish outside or emptying the compost bin or recycling ever again as he is never right.
Everything is so dramatic and appears to be done to 'punish' me. Its almost like he is consciously thinking 'well, that will show her'.

Even if he is autistic or has some personality trait that's on the blip, treating me the right way is down to him.

I left a letter on the side this morning that was to let me know that my recent breast scan showed no signs of cancer.
He says "so why didn't you tell me? Isn't that important enough to warrant telling me" - well, actually no. I am beyond expecting him to share any caring or compassion so why would I tell him?

A few days ago, I was expecting a recent scan to show that I had the start of kidney failure. My GP had indicated as such and asked for a kidney scan to confirm what stage! I had been convinced that I was a goner and had sorted out my letters to my kids etc etc. I was so relieved when they said my kidneys looked to be working fine.
I was in tears with relief - and him? Not a hug, no sign of relief on his part, didn't even hold my hand as we walked to the car.
There is nothing there! He is like an empty shell.
OK - so I could say 'its okay, he is probably autistic' and make excuses for him. But my brain is just screaming at me 'its not okay - he's an A-hole'.

If I am going to be living with someone, sharing our lives then is it expecting too much for that person to show their love to me?

We are self employed together also - when the business makes money, we take a drawing from it to pay ourselves and the family bills. We have separate bank accounts and a business one. He has always made nasty comments about not getting enough money for himself. Its an equal split once the household expenses come out - there is nothing unfair about it. It is not my fault if the business has slow periods and the income is not as good as the high periods - and yet, he resents me dishing out his 'pocket money' as he calls it. I've just had that thrown at me again.

I am more than happy for him to go and get a job elsewhere as he seems to think that the average person in the UK earns over £35K - I think an unskilled/unqualified man in his 50's, with a bad back and bad feet, with a nasty attitude on top, will be lucky to get half that.

Going for a coffee as I'm getting angry!

He’s awful. My instinct is his whistling is not just for him but for you, to show you he doesn’t care, he’s not an “emotional female”, he’s better than you. He’s not just uncaring, he’s getting to you with little acts designed to unravel you so he can feel the better person. You’ll be so much happier without him. Try to think of ways to start to move in that direction. Disengage from him and stop hoping for his kindness, it only opens you up for him to hurt you. Just start working quietly towards moving into separation.

Only advantage I can see getting married here is if he has pots of money or house all in his name or an enormous pension etc - personally and it may sound mercenary I might have kept quiet and gone along with it for a couple of years. If that’s not the case then no, bugger this,

Why did you arrange a marriage with him?

I'm surprised that you seem surprised by the sort of man you've ended up with. Surely you noticed the red flags waving clearly when he abandoned his autistic child? Maybe the large property made it easier to ignore them?

Anyway, it's a long old life being a second class citizen in your own relationship. I can't really see what would be in it for you if you stayed. (Apart from the house.)

So let me get this clear, no connection, no intimacy, no sex, no shared interests or ideologies and separate bedrooms?

What is the point you are trying to make?

Vent away.

And then put your big girl pants on and put the house up for sale. If you are that ill then you can't live in a big property that needs work and in a rural setting, and that's with a half decent partner - which you do not have. It's time

Whether or not he's autistic (this is highly likely), an arsehole or an autistic arsehole, you need to get out of this relationship.

Arseholes do not change and it's extremely hard for men with autism to change.

The big house is actually mine - I had a very successful career/my own business and sold it all three years ago to move my mother in when my dad died. There is no benefit for me being with him - he is a part owner so if I sell a body part or two, I may be able to buy him out - but yes, with my health now it is probably wise to sell, pay him off and downsize.

Our problems have always been there - they are just more noticeable now that we are living and working together 24/7. I was the one who wanted to be married a few years ago, and he was reluctant. He has been married twice before so didn't want to rush.
My son comes up to look after my mother, the animals and the property once or twice a year so as we can have a break away together - my mother is not the easiest to live with and we never have 'alone' time!
Six months ago we booked to go to the USA and made a joke about having an Elvis wedding in Vegas, which then became a reality. He is not able to organise a p*ss up in a brewery so of course it all fell to me to do.
But I did expect some interest to be shown - or maybe I was expecting too much from someone with autism and this A-hole personality disorder.

Anyway, last night I cooked a meal for all of us, as usual, left his on the side for him.
My mum knows there is some tension in the air, but I don't discuss much with her. Then the shouting and thumping around started upstairs. By 8pm he was completely pickled upstairs, alternating between shouting obscenities and laughing like a madman. A few times he fell over and furniture was crashing around, then more shouting, swearing and laughing.

By 10.30pm it was still going on, then a big thump, more laughter and then snoring.
Me and the dog headed upstairs to bed. All the lights were on in every room, TV's blaring, music on and there he was, lying on 'his' bedroom floor, half naked and surrounded by bottles and cans. I didn't even bother checking if he was breathing, just shut the door.

It used to amaze me with my ex husband, they have the energy to get blinding drunk and communicate with themselves quite vocally whilst in that drunken state, but no energy to be adult, sober and communicate with their partner. Its almost like a self destruct button is pressed or are they just belligerent children doing something that they know you will hate as their way of sticking a middle finger up at you.

I don't think in all of my adult life (35+ years) that I have had a relationship with a man that didn't have some mental problems - there weren't that many but they all did. One was a serial cheat (7 years) one was a childish drunk (6 years), one was a depressive (5 years) - for some reason I attract them - maybe because they are drawn to someone who has got their sh*t together, over cares and over gives, until they sap it all out of me and I have to build myself up again. Not easy at any time of life, but being in my 50's now and my working years behind me, it gets a little scary. And of course I have my mother along for this ride too.

I'm not good with drunk men - which he is aware of - my ex husband would get a little 'handy' after a few beers - so just the smell of it on a man's breath ignites some unwanted feelings. I will refuse to be near him if he is drinking - so I locked my bedroom door, put some furniture against it and did actually sleep for 8 hours.

Today, I am going to start organising some of our affairs, do something nice for me and probably grab a nap this afternoon :-)

Thank you for listening to me - my closest friend lives 500 miles away now, my mother is biased and a little doo-lally anyway, I have no neighbours to have a coffee with. I've not made any friends since moving here so this is going to be my venting/off loading/safe place to clear my head.

Thank you everyone

blimey- get rid OP - you sound lovely and worn down

I locked my bedroom door, put some furniture against it.

That is not normal behaviour and the fact you were blase about it and snuck it in to a large paragraph is worrying.

Start decluttering the house in readiness for a sale. Get estate agents in. Start looking at properties that are smaller, more manageable, nearer to hospitals and supermarkets. Start thinking how you want your life to look in five or ten years time and put plans in place to make it happen.

The big house is actually mine - - he is a part owner
It isn't yours if he is part owner. It is joint.
Since he is part owner you might need a court order to get it sold. Ask a solicitor what the process is and how to make it smoother if he objects (from putting it up for sale, to agreeing a price, to actually putting a signature on the exchange contract).

You should have left him at the point he abandoned his autistic son to be raised by an alcoholic mother.

What a twat.

How on earth did marriage come up? Was it partly for financial reasons? You sound so frustrated and can’t spend another 15 years together on what you’ve said. You’re not happy. Get the advice you need about how to split, put your ducks in a row, and then tell him you’ve had enough.

I think I have the personality type that thinks they can fix/mend/repair a person? With a good woman in their life, enough love & caring blah blah blah then I will heal them.

Probably why my career was nursing 🙄.

I met him 15 years ago when he was divorced from his second wife/mother of his child. He divorced her because she had stabbed him in a drunken rage and left him for dead on the kitchen floor - with his three year old son there too. He was quite badly injured and not in the right mind or physical state to take over custody of his son - he also refused to press charges against her and said it was a mutual argument that got out of hand - believing that he was protecting his son. That's the version I have always been told anyway.
Then he rebounded very quickly and met and married no.2 - lavish wedding and honeymoon and then her father paid him off a couple of years later and he stayed single for quite some time - until we met.

And of course, I wanted to fix him. I made excuses for all his bad behaviours with me but things were never ideal between us. I always adapted my behaviours, moved my boundaries of acceptable behaviour to accommodate him, listened when he said I was probably bi-polar/over emotional if I got upset by what he had said or did. And I was probably scared of being on my own - which is odd and quite enlightening as I would have always described myself as quite strong and capable.
I think since losing my dear old dad, nothing can hurt me as much as that did/still does. It has made me stronger in myself by knowing I am surviving that hurt and grief, but also that anything else life now throws at me will never hurt as much as that.

On a practical level:
He's a small percentage owner of the house and business - my mother and I own the bulk. I will get some legal advice, get my ducks in a row and then offer him what he is due. I know he wont move out until it is all sorted so the next few months/years will be difficult living in the same space. I can see him arguing over who gets the last egg or who used the last bit of milk - he is so pedantic and picky over everything at the best of times. If he cant be an adult during our relationship then there is zero chance of him being a civil and adult one now.

He knows how much I hate drunk men - so I have a few nights like last night to look forward to also I expect.

I met a very good counsellor a couple of years ago who helped me with losing my dad, living with a difficult mother, the major life changes I was dealing with at the time - I'm just trying to convince myself that spending £50 a week again will be worth it for a few weeks.

Beautiful sunny day where I am so may go and do some gardening and ask my chicken's opinions on everything.

Wishing you much luck op. You seem to be best off living without a man. Maybe in the future you can date one without living together, but taking one in leads you to become a carer and make yourself into a doormat. Living alone without furniture against the door will be heaven.

You are being bullied and abused by him.
He sounds extremely calculating and knows exactly what he is doing.
Contact Women's aid for advice and support and get this loser out.

"You are being bullied and abused by him" - that thought has popped into my head a few times and then I cant get my head around it. I listen to the little voice in my head that says "maybe he is right - maybe I am too emotional, expect too much, maybe this is all me and he is Mr perfect".
But then - my mother was emotional abusive and a narcissist (and still is, although she has minimal effect on me now), my father was emotionally unavailable and the mixture of them both led me to choose partners the same. I am not blaming my childhood - I am just in quite a heightened state of enlightenment at the moment.
One thing that keeps popping into my head is my partner some time ago saying something that I can't shake.

I was quite depressed immediately following the death of my dad, coping with work, mother and not much time to grieve or think about me. I remember telling him how sad and unhappy I felt, crying my eyes out and how I really didn't want to be around any more (not in a suicidal way, I just wanted out - like to be abducted by aliens and lifted off of this sad, horrible place). He took it as meaning him - I was unhappy with him and our relationship. He had no insight or empathy for my situation and said "well, that's down to you. I'm not responsible for your happiness".
He saw it as a personal attack on him and could not even hug me whilst I was just one messy lump of tears and snot.

Which is why our relationship is not salvageable and probably never has been an equal, loving, caring 'normal' relationship. For whatever the reason, he cannot communicate in an adult way - everything is seen as a personal attack on his perfect character. Many a time when I have voiced some concern over a behaviour of his, what I get back is 'This is me' - in a take it or leave way. No communication, no discussion, end of. Or he would get angry and then start raising his voice about how bloody awful I am to live with and look at what he has to put up with.

What an idiot I have been (again).