OMG, reading this you are living the life I have been since 2016. And it hasn’t gotten any better over that time - I’ve just gotten older, feel more lonely, more vulnerable, totally unwanted, and am now highly anxious all of the time.
My DH (as, unlike you, we’ve been married since Oct 1997) will never accept responsibility for his actions or non-actions having a negative impact upon anyone else. It’s always the offended/hurt party who is the problem as far as he’s concerned; they’re either (me, in particular) demanding more from him than is reasonable (as his wife that includes ANY conversation, time together, sharing concerns, sharing a bed, being affectionate, etc.), or he just deems them plain stupid and/or neurotic. He blows hot and cold as the mood takes him, criticises literally every thing I think, say or do, will humiliate me, and always assumes the worst of me without even speaking to me so I can correct his negative assumptions. Last year he told me of something that happened over 27 years ago, something I was totally unaware of, but which he internalised to the point that he admits now “that he realised we never had a future”. What!? Jeeze, had I known he’d felt this way so soon after us marrying with me still in my early 30s then, I’d have taken myself off when I had the chance so we both could have ended up living as we are now. I don’t think he cares, but I do. I need human interaction and affection. I don’t apologise for this. We are all unique and I just happen to be a woman who likes affection, conversation and some commonality with my partner. My DH is so the opposite that it’s almost impossible to imagine! I hope there’s reincarnation and that in my next life I get a better hand.
I beat myself up for so long wondering what I did or was doing wrong but my DH just stopped caring about me on the16th April 2016. Three times over the past 4 years he’s found me near death yet never helped me or called an ambulance. It’s just plain weird that he’s so detached emotionally.
I always describe his behaviour towards me with an analogy; it’s like he’s driving along a lonely road and just witnessed the only other car for miles severely crash in front of him. The other car ends up rolling several times and lands upside down. DH stops, gets out, walks over to the crushed and smoking upturned vehicle and sees the driver hanging unconscious by his seatbelt, clearly injured and in serious need of assistance, but instead of automatically pulling out his mobile phone to call 999, my DH just crouches down to detachedly watch the injured driver. 45 minutes later, he’s still just watching and doing nothing. Then I imagine another car coming along, stopping, the occupants getting out and running over to assist, asking my DH if he’s already called 999 and that help is already on its way, and he just shakes his head. These strangers just give my DH’s rather odd behaviour the benefit of the doubt and down to him being ‘in shock’. They do not have any idea that this isn’t why he's not done that which just about anyone else would automatically do for another person. He has no emotion, no emotions to evoke, so does nothing because it simply no longer registers within him that he should/could.
If his behaviour is ever questioned queried he becomes angry, and gaslights or whitewalls as defence. He’s IMPOSSIBLE to have to understand that his behaviour is both irresponsible towards the person he could have helped and an odd reaction. Particularly as he wasn’t this way prior to 2016 so he clearly needs help and support from someone. Yet 9 years on he’s still in total denial so we’re both suffering in our own different ways.
So, the moral of this dirge of mine is, under no circumstances continue to tolerate this loveless lodger-like house share (unless, like me, you have utterly no choice) and CERTAINLY do not officially put his ring on your finger. I wish I never had back in 1997. Trust me, the marriage is the easy part, it’s the divorce that can be impossibly expensive and difficult to navigate. Just do not do it.
I’ve not yet read through all of the thread, so I’m rather curious why, after so long together unmarried, and having lived together like lodgers for this long now, that a marriage ceremony would be something either of you would even consider? Even if he was willing to go ahead with it, why on earth would you possibly want to?! If you reconcile yourself to staying with this man, living as his ‘common law wife’, then at the very least expect to have up-to-date Wills clarifying your inheritance position as that being the same as if you were a married couple, so you are secure in the event of anything happening whilst you are committed and living with him.
I too have medical issues. These don’t put demands upon my DH (god forbid) but mean I don’t leave the house to work and spend days at a time not having anyone say a word to me. I’m lonely. I’d even be happy with a platonic, companionable, relationship if it was with someone who wanted to interact with me like normal partners generally do, and would WANT to share a bit of affection with me, be it just a snuggle on the sofa occasionally. My DH just comes and goes from our house without so much as a word, eats on his own, watches TV on his own, goes out on his own… basically, he just lives like he’s a bachelor only one with a wife of almost 30 years who he won't free with divorce yet knows he’s bringing to breaking point. Over the past 9 years whenever I’ve asked what I did for him to no longer love or desire me anymore, he just shrugs and always says the same thing. “I don’t know. I really don’t, but rest assured, if I remember you’ll be the first to know”. What an ar** he is. Even I acknowledge this now.
No! Do not get married OP, and if you are financially able, I’d be planning my exit from this unsatisfactory ‘partnership’. Every single one of us deserves to be free to be loved and expect to have whatever their basic emotional needs are to be met if they are living in a monogamous relationship. Well, that’s my opinion. This life isn’t a dress-rehearsal as ‘They’ say, and we only have a short time here, so don’t waste it settling with someone who doesn’t make you feel they care. There really IS no place more lonely than a bad marriage.
(((( Hugs ))))