I need a good rant - advice also helpful!

[Sunflowers67]

So, we have been together about 15 years now - living together for 14 of those.
I always knew he was a little 'quirky' but I suppose with family, friends, busy career, I was able to handle it better.
Now, we are both semi retired, my dad passed away so my mum lives with us (not easy, but what else can an only child do), the kids have left home and his 'quirky' little ways are far more noticeable, annoying and darn right hurtful at times.
We are also due to get married in two weeks and I don't think I'm gonna do it. It wont bother him if we don't, he'll just shrug his shoulders and carry on as usual. He wont leave our home or threaten to end the relationship - he never does. Sometimes I wish there would be a huge display of emotion and anger and then we can both just shout at each other, get it out of our systems and then communicate and repair. But he doesn't communicate, he never sees a problem and I am increasingly becoming immune and unfeeling towards him - I suppose its a form of self protection.
We have separate bedrooms, seperate interests and I would say we have lived together like two mates for years - except I don't treat my mates like this.

So, what does he do that is so bad? he doesn't drink much, he is not a cheat, he is not secretive, he would help anyone (except me), he tolerates my mother living with us, he gets on well with my grown up kids (he chooses not to see his family).
He has no emotions, he cannot 'read a room', he doesnt know when I am sad or worried or down as he cannot recognise body language or facial expressions. I have felt for quite some time that he is maybe autistic (his son is, which is why he chooses not to see him - he cant handle the skewed thoughts and strange behaviours from him and never did when he was a small child - the boy was raised by his alcoholic mother, we tried for custody but because we didn't get it, my other half then decided to not see the boy).
Not my style of parenting, but it was his choice.
Now, as we are getting on in years and my health has taken a down turn, I need his support and understanding more. And it isn't there. But then it never was.
I spend my days doing my own thing around the large property that we have - if we try and do something together, gardening, cleaning, maintenance, he just gets frustrated that I'm not doing it his way! So we work separately.
Many a time I have tried to talk to him and he takes it so personally, gets angry, wants very specific examples of how his behaviour has hurt me - and even if I do remember specifics, he then disputes it and turns it all around so as its me with the problem.
Then I am the one more upset, the one staying in my room wondering how my life amounted to this? And what dooes he do whilst I'm upset? He is carrying on as normal, in his own little world. He'll put some music on, he will sing and whistle and be merry. I suppose in his mind, this is me being me - moody, upset and I will snap out of it in a few days. Which I do. The hurt dissipates a little so I carry on functioning normally again - I will talk to him, I will get busy and then round we go again. Same old same old.
I have given up trying to talk to him, I know it does no good. I have tried to get us into some counselling but no where near me does 'couples counselling' - he is willing to go if I find somewhere. He is probably hoping that a counsellor will point out 'the error of my ways'.
I think what bothers me the most is the fact that it doesn't bother him that we are like this - that he is not upset, he doesn't try to talk to me about us, there is just nothing there with him.
I am upstairs now, typing this, and I can hear him downstairs singing away, happy and joyful. I feel like I want to go downstairs and hit him with the large skillet and scream 'feel that buster?!' - I wont, I'm not a violent person. But god does he bring out the worst in me.

Going our separate ways is probably the best option but its quite a scary thought to go it alone after 15 years - and then splitting all the assets, looking after mother, tending to this large place/or even having to sell it and split the proceeds, lawyers. He also would not leave the home so we would be living in more hell until everything was finalised and I am the only one that feels the pain of that.

I suppose I really want us/him to change. And I'm old enough to know that wont happen - been there/divorced that many years ago.

Thank you for letting me offload.

I agree @MuckFusk I believe my husband is on the spectrum and an arsehole.

Like you @Sunflowers67 alot of the signs were there but I made excuses for him.

Its only recently that my eyes have opened to his behaviour and it really is upsetting to realise they are in fact just arseholes.

Certain things have happened to me regarding my health and I would think "surely he will show me some love and compassion now?" But no, nothing, nada.

Ive seen him show this to other people so he is capable of it.

Thank goodness you have realised this before you got married. I know it doesn't seem like it but you really are in a strong position. This man has dragged you down for a long time, you can do this x

Sunflowers67

You're not attracting these men in the sense that these are the only sort of men who are attracted to you and they are only.attracted to ypu.

It's just that you're not recognising the red flags soon enough or acting on them soon enough when you do.

Unappealing men are everywhere. You don't have to try and make a relationship work with any of them!

In answer to some of the questions - yes I inherit when my mum pops off - her share of the house, which then puts me as the 2/3 owner.
Her money goes to my two adult kids, her grandchildren. However, once I have sorted this current situation and he has sailed off into the sunset, she has suggested we both change our wills - she leaves everything to me in case I need the money and I leave everything to the kids (which mine already states as I changed it a few days ago and cut him right out).
We will need to downsize I think - just a place that is easily managed. Or, my other thought was, I somehow buy his share out with a mortgage/loan/ and then with the money I save with his overeating/over drinking/gambling butt not here, I hire someone to help out. Who knows - early days yet.

When he chose to abandon his son, I think he saw it as 'losing' the fight between the ex and himself for full custody. He saw himself as the saviour for his son, the one who could fix him and give him a proper childhood - so when it all went through courts, mediation, safeguarding etc etc and the lad was asked for his opinions - he didn't tell the truth. He didn't say his mother was always drunk or had tried to strangle him or had ducked him under the water in the bath - he said he had made it all up and wanted to stay with his mum.
My partner threw his hands in the air and told the lad that he was 'on his own' then. But of course, my partner would say that he did it for me - he chose me over his son as he could see how stressful it was for me to have to be shouted at in the street, have the drunken woman threatening to kill me.
Again, hindsight is such a wonderful thing but there is no way on earth I would have left my kids - I was just the excuse he needed to walk away from a situation he hadn't won/been right on. Now, everyone else can take the blame for how the lad has grown up and how he has turned out.

My practical list for today:

I have cancelled the holiday/wedding and appealed for any refunds that may be due - it was a registry office in Vegas (one of those Elvis chapel places) and we were due to leave a week today.
Car hire has been refunded, two of the four hotels have refunded but the flights wont be. I figure a loss of £1500 is a small price to pay for the rest of my life being ruined.
I was tempted to put some big pants on and go alone - but its just a little too far out of my comfort zone at the moment and would probably feel quite sad.
But when this is all over, I will take a solo trip somewhere warm and relaxing with a good book - even if the budget only stretches to Skegness.

I have a dog that needs a run along the beach, I need some food shopping and I need to get some cleaning in this house done.
Mother can forgo her usual Sunday roast today and we will have sausage and chips in front of the TV.

I'm finding that very hard - just cooking for me and mum. It seems so nasty of me to not plate him up some or cater to his needs in any way. I feel like the sh*tty person here at the moment, just ignoring him and making like he doesn't exist to me anymore. He is doing things around the place for an hour or two, then going to his bedroom to play on the X box, listen to music, laugh at his TV programs, helping himself to food and drink - it just feels so odd/nasty/childish of me to not be doing the stuff I usually do for him. Takes some getting used to being the unkind person here. I actually feel sorry for him and sad and just NASTY.

Your not nasty @Sunflowers67 , you're worn out physically and emotionally, you've done things for him for so long it just doesn't feel normal yet to stop. Once you find somewhere else to live he'll have to do everything for himself so he may as well get used to it now.

"Unappealing men are everywhere. You don't have to try and make a relationship work with any of them" - So, the big question I have to ask myself, is why do I?
Every single relationship has been abusive in some form or other, apart from one. And he probably would have been given time 😂- we had to go our separate ways due to circumstances at the time - very painful and still smarts a little 30 years later!

I worked through some childhood issues with a fabulous therapist some years ago and I have gotten in touch with a recommended colleague of hers that is closer to me now. Hoping to meet next week and offload on her (spare you guys a little).

I was brought up as an only child in a household of a narcissistic mother and a downtrodden father. I left home at 16 to go and live with a man of 28! I hated being around my mother with her negativity, her 'the world centres on me' attitude. She was belittling, demanding and I believed her when she said I was to blame for everything.

Ahhhhhh now we see a pattern!

I stayed with that chap for 12 years, had two children together and only when I decided that I could take his cheating and indifference to me no longer, did his really true character come out. He threatened to kill me and the children, I moved 300 miles away in the dead of night and then got married to someone I had just met within six months. He was a childish alcoholic who could not hold down a job and I divorced him within five years - five years of utter hell.
Then, I met an older guy and told myself he would be the stability that I needed. Older meant caring and loving right? Wrong again - still in love with his ex wife and a controlling bully. Also a cheat, but I did good this time as he wasn't a drinker 😁. That lasted five years and I stayed single for a couple of years, built up my own business, went back to school and got some qualifications and then met this one.

I know we all seek validity - is it really them or is it me being over sensitive, emotional, hormonal, whatever - but, I am the common denominator here. Maybe these were lovely normal men until I drove them to drink, other women, violence etc.

How on earth do you get it clear in your mind that you have done nothing wrong? If someone had recorded a few months of your lives together, then sat and watched and listened to it all, then you'd have an honest opinion.

You need more therapy Op, you may have been profoundly affected by your joyless narc Mother but you've taken on the same role as your downtrodden Father, you've put yourself last to appease the men in your life. No more, time for you to finally put yourself first

@Sunflowers67 please don't blame yourself. I have also had a succession of arsehole men in my life.

I think it's because we are vulnerable and lacking in confidence that these men can spot and manipulate.

When I used to get upset with my H and express my fears his instant reply would be "you really need to see someone". I believed him for longer than I should have. Since having therapy I have realised that it isn't me.

DorothywiththeRedShoes "you really need to see someone" - yes, I get that too.
I have tried countless ways to just sit and talk with him, in a non judgemental way, that we need to do some work on our relationship/communication etc. The very moment I even suggest a talk, he is defensive and on the attack. He will raise his voice, fold his arms and lean back in his chair, eye roll and sigh - or, he'll even feign complete disinterest and look all around him or at his phone!
He is so childish. Of course nothing will be right - I'm in a relationship with a boy.

We have a blackboard in the kitchen which I always pretended was for me, that my memory is not what it used to be - really its because he cannot stay focused and would lurch from one chore to the next and not finish anything.
I said it may be a good idea if we split the chores at the moment and the things I cant do (due to the spinal problems) would fall to him or we could get some help in (which we cant afford but I figured it was better than just assuming he would do it). Nothing major, wheeling the refuse bins to the end of the drive once a week, mowing when it needed it (he insisted on the big petrol mower that I cant handle), outside window cleaning, vacuuming the stairs once a week - that sort of thing.
We have paying guests, that is our livelihood and pays our bills and us a wage, these things have to be done - its not me being overly fussy.
He started shouting about everything he does for me already such as "running you to your endless hospital appointments, carrying the shopping, walking your fuking dog - If you think I'm going to end up like your dad and just roll over and play dead for you, you have another think coming. That poor bastrd was your mum's servant and all she did was hand him his pocket money each week - just like you".
The 'pocket money' thing has come up in the last few months. We both draw a wage from the business depending on what the profit was that month. November to March is our low season so we don't draw much after all the bills are paid.
Every time I look at the accounts (he has no interest in them - always left it to me) - I am dreading making that transfer of £500, knowing full well he is going to react negatively in some way or other. I pay myself less in order to give him more and to try to head off what is coming. Not any more, I might add.

But this isn't his pocket money, as he calls it. Its our wage! I have no control over what he gets paid each month, the business accounts dictate that - he needs to either get a job or work at promoting the business more and earning more. Surely that is not hard to understand. And £500 a month to do what you want with, after all the bills are paid and food is on the table, a workshop full of man toys, a motorbike, a car, holidays three times a year and working for yourself maybe two hours a day!

I wish I could get a look at his bank statements as I do suspect he is gambling a lot more than his £2 a week at the bookies. That is my only explanation - it cant be another woman, unless she isn't a fussy one as he rarely showers or changes his clothes, never buys even a new pair of socks, wears shoes that even a tramp would refuse and his breath smells because he believes that teeth cleaning causes your teeth to rot and fall out.

Sorry - thoughts running away with me and I'm on roll with the character assassination here. It does help though as I can re-read everything and remind myself just what I am 'losing' when I have moments of weakness during this sh*t show called separation.

Random memory just cropped up out of nowhere. I'm going to write it down for those weaker moments ahead.

About a year ago, he went to a poker match in a neighbouring town. He wanted me to drop him off and pick him up so as he could have 'a beer or two' with the other players. Not a problem for me - I drop him off at 6pm and arrange to collect him outside in the car park at 11pm, unless I hear from him earlier.
I'm in the car park at 11pm as arranged and I give him a ring - he doesn't answer. I try again, no answer. At 11.30pm I hear his voice, laughing and joking somewhere and really quite inebriated.
I don't like drunk men or the smell of them due to previous bad experiences - and he knows this. I dont get out of the car, but I ring again and leave a message that I am going home in 5 minutes. I then ring the pub and ask to speak to xxxxx partners name. I hear a lot of laughing and shouting and then someone, another man, comes to the phone and says xxxxx "he's having another drink so just wait where you are darling" - I said "no darling, tell him I'm off home and he can get a cab or one of you can drop him home".
And I went home. I went to bed - in a state of anxiety as I didn't know what to expect later......
About 3am my phone rings and he is screaming down it at me "where the Fck are you? Get here now, you f'ing cnt" - I hung up.
3.30am - same again, far worse language and that there were no cabs, no buses and he was walking the 5 miles and I was an ugly c*nt......."
I shot out of bed, locked the front door, bolted my bedroom door and turned my phone off. I was petrified and didn't sleep a wink.

I cant remember where he slept - I think it took him that long to stagger home and me and mum were up and about by the time he came in the front door - the walk had mellowed his mood, although he was still angry at having been 'abandoned'. He then slept all day.

Of course, the following day he was blaming me for making him feel depressed and drinking too much. It was the first time in months he had felt happy and there was I spoiling it all for him, as usual.
I asked him to leave then, I didn't want him anywhere near me or in my life. What happened? He apologised, he even cried and begged me to give him another chance - I believed him.

Echo this comment.

You need to get legal advice.

You have been financially abused and coerced into putting him on the deeds.

Not a lawyer but...

Coercion and undue influence can make property transfers invalid. You MAY be able to challenge the transfer and have him removed from the deeds without paying him anything.

Keep recording his behaviour. Go and get legal advice. Speak to Women's Aid. Refuge or call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline - they may be able to advise you on this matter.

Don't let this man take 1/3 of the value of your property because he bullied and berated you into it.

Just coming on to say the same as @ThorsRaven.

This does sound like coercive control and you will have the law on your side. Please speak to women's aid they can help.

Imagine how calm your life will be without this man

I couldn't read all of this as it was too upsetting. My initial instinct was neurodivergence of some ilk or other, but one of your later posts screamed abuser. Get out. Everything will be OK, you have one life OP, don't waste another minute of it with this horror show of a person!

I'm sorry my post was upsetting - maybe they should have a warning sticker.
I dare not write in a physical journal - he may find it, I don't want my kids/family reading all that cr*p if I pop off.
Today is a little more unsettled in my mind - questioning everything, questioning how I behave/respond and what I could have done to make him like this? I am a good person, I am kind and caring, I don't get drunk and scream obscenities at people - I have ordered a couple of books that will hopefully help my mind a little and I have my first counsellor appointment on Wednesday.
I took my mother out this morning to get away from the house and into the sunshine and away from him.

When we got back, he came out to the car and asked if he could help with the shopping bags (that's the first communication from him in 4 or 5 days). I declined politely. He then followed me into the house and asked if I wanted a cup of tea? Again, I politely declined and started putting the shopping away and getting mother some lunch.
He then came up behind and wrapped his arms around me and asked "do you want some affection?" - I shrugged him off and again, politely said "no thank you, I don't want anything from you anymore".
His reply "So, you are standing by what you said a few days ago and that we are over?" - "Yes that's correct" says I.
"May I ask why" - says he.
"Because I will no longer put up with your drinking and abusive behaviour towards me or your complete indifference and disrespect to my feelings" - was my reply.
"HA! That's you. You have just described how you are towards me - except being drunk of course. Well, I suggest you need someone who is tee-total as you are being unreasonable to expect any man to not drink".
I took a moment to process this and said "So, the last time you did this and screamed at me that I was a c*nt was somehow my doing?".
"Yes - you refused to pick me up - I would never have left you alone late at night and drunk, so of course I was angry at your unreasonable behaviour".

I couldn't engage any longer as I think my dog would have been better able to understand than he was. He obviously sees his nasty behaviour as normal and that I am making unrealistic demands on this perfect specimen of a man and trying to control him.
His parting comment was "I'll move out, not today as I have to organise things, but I'll be gone as soon as I can - good luck finding the impossible and I hope you get some help".

Uuuhmmm - how do I feel right now? I could cry. I'm frustrated that he just cant see it. I'm angry and confused but I also realise that he will never change.
I had a chat with my mum - she lives with us and deserves an explanation for what is happening - she is now worried that he is going to snap and kill me. She has noticed his behaviour getting more and more unreasonable in the last year or so although she has heard none of his nastiness towards me as she is pretty deaf!

I have told my eldest son some of it and he is coming up for the weekend this Friday to give me some company. He has said he is here for me and will help with anything.

I need to start telling people the truth but it is so hard - I think most will not believe me anyway. He is so lovely to everyone else - but then I suppose they always are.

I don't think its going to be as easy as he has implied - packing the car, driving off and its the last I see or hear of him......

Another memory - Tourette's!

It started a couple of years ago and happens rarely - maybe once a month or so.
We could be just driving along, or he would be watching TV or making a cup of tea and all of a sudden he'd shout 'fck' or 'cnt' - sometimes a couple of times. He'd look around to see if anyone had heard and if I had he'd say "oops" and smile.
Of course, it was never something he would discuss and if I suggested we speak to someone about it, he'd be angry and refuse to discuss it further.
I can remember noticing the mood changes and behavioural changes and saying that I was worried and perhaps we should talk to someone together - brain tumours came to mind! He refused to discuss it except to say that "wouldn't I just love the problem to be him instead of seeing how much I needed help".
It was about that time that he started drinking in bed - to help him sleep. He'd drink a bottle of whisky over the course of a week as 'nightcaps' and I'd hear him in the middle of the night thrashing around, shouting, fighting with himself. He did speak to a GP about his sleep problems, but refused to attend a sleep clinic or have any further help. Hence why we haven't slept together for years.

I am rambling - funny how a memory of one thing leads to another.

I read a quote recently saying if you are bitten by a snake you don't follow them around asking why they did that and analyse how it might be your fault. He isn't going to give you any validation. Get rid and stop getting bitten x

So, he has now said that he is not moving out and has no intention of leaving the property. He is going away for a few days to clear his head, visit some friends BUT he will be back.
I asked him to let me know when he is leaving and he refused - "not my business".
He then informed me that he is not to blame in this, that he thought we would be together forever and that I had been the one to create this toxic relationship with my controlling and demanding behaviour.
I think by this he means asking him to not drink excessively, or not at all if if brings out the nasty, and call me a c*nt ? He did look very sad and yes it did tug at my heartstrings - but I stood firm and just repeated that we need to keep this amicable, that we will both feel hurt and that we both deserve to be out of this unhealthy relationship.
An hour later and he's back again - my last chance apparently - "am I 100% sure that this is what I want as there will be no going back"?
"Yes I am - we both deserve to be happy".

He then went and spoke to my mum - he said he was so sorry that she was living in this environment and that he had done all he could to put things right.

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

He's behaved appallingly to you Op but it's never going to be his fault, not in his eyes, but he doesn't want to break up, he thinks it's all you being unreasonable. I'm afraid you're just going to have to keep saying No, no more, I'm done over and over. It doesn't matter whether he's ND or abusive or both, he can't/won't take the blame for his own actions

He will never ever see that he has behaved disgustingly let alone admit it.

Stay strong, and try not retaliate.

You are trying to change him. He is not your girlfriend, he cannot read your mind. If you leave I guarantee he will talk even less. You need counselling and maybe join a friendship group or start a hobby. He isn't capable of being everything to you. Maybe he would like you to less emotional and chatty. Relationships are like jigsaws and sometimes pieces are missing that we have to fill from elsewhere. You sound depressed tbh.

Yes, all very true. I am depressed, I am lonely and have been both of those for quite some time. And now the health issues on top and the relationship breakdown.

It does make me question if I have been the strain on the relationship and him and caused him such stress that this is his only way of releasing that.
But then, he has been like this since I met him 15 years ago - I wasn't this person then! I had my own home, a successful business and career, friends and I can remember what happy looked like.
I'm not saying he is completely to blame - it does take two to tango - but I never invited this emotional or verbal abuse from him. He had choices to talk to me about how he was feeling, he had opportunities to come along to counselling, to speak to our GP, to decide that booze was not his friend.......

I nearly, so very nearly this evening was going to ask him for his perspective on it. What had I done that had made him so unhappy, where and what is my part in all this from his eyes - I am genuinely interested to hear what I am doing wrong as a person.
I'm not sure what has stopped me from asking but something has.

This is all very painful at the moment and I just don't trust myself to not apologise for whatever it is I have done and just to get the hurt to stop - but I know we will just be in the same boat a month or even days from now. I know I am capable of reflecting, taking responsibility, changing if it was warranted - and I know he isn't - so there is little point in knowing what he thinks I have done wrong.

A soak in the bath I think and then curl up with the dog and a hot chocolate.

So, I slept on it and woke up really wanting to know what he thinks I have done to destroy this relationship. I am due to start counselling tomorrow and maybe there are things I need to work on in my relationship skills? I also hoped that by hearing him tell me things that I know I am not, that it would keep me strong in the times ahead.
I asked if we could meet up the garden later with a cuppa and that I am genuinely interested in hearing his views - there would be no interruptions and I would just listen.
He replied "No, there is no point - I am to blame for everything and I have said everything that needs to be said".
I just sent a 'thumbs up' emoji.

Yesterday, he wanted to cuddle me and was asking if I was 100% sure that this was what I wanted - telling me that I created this toxic relationship. I thought he would enjoy telling me how I have driven him to everything, having centre stage to say what he wanted. Maybe he cant think of anything that I do.

Well, he has no interest in talking.

Befuddled I am completely! The only thing I can think of is that he has 'taken power back' again thinking he has the upper hand and is now 'punishing' me (or so he thinks) by refusing to talk. He probably thinks I am going to do my usual, be crying all over him and so sorry for being such a bad partner to him and now I will 'realise the error of my ways'.

Oh piffle to it all.

OP, I mean this with great kindness...you really must try and disengage from this (learned) behaviour of always looking for his opinion and feeling like your thoughts and behaviour are tied to his approval/disapproval of them. I hope the counselling will help you to break this cycle and focus on your needs and happiness. It's great that you want to understand 'where you went wrong' with this relationship and if necessary change some things to make sure you don't repeat some things going forwards to your new future. I have done the same self analysis/critique with a counsellor after my first marriage and I think it's healthy and it certainly meant I had a deeper understanding of my character for the relationships that followed.
However, the important thing, the ESSENTIAL thing for you is to realise that (whatever responsibility you may have had in the relationship), he is in fact toxic to you and probably to most other women who have had or will have the misfortune to meet him and try and make him happy. People like him are never happy - they just move onto something else you do wrong once you've successfully modified something he didn't like..... until you feel so shit about yourself that (as you are now) you cannot stop blaming yourself and somehow feeling that he must have a valid point in all his criticism of you.
Make the most of the counselling, concentrate on you - you can't fix him by changing you - he is broken and chooses to remain so - not your fault, not your responsibility!
You won't believe this now but I promise you, you'll be fine. There are thousands of sunny days ahead for you - once you stop living in a constant thunderstorm xx

I’ve got the end of page one. Ffs just split up. You cannot possibly be worse off than you are now. Not emotionally, physically, financially, not in any tangible way. Save yourself.

I have just read this whole thread. I am the same age as you Op, and on my 2nd marriage. Thought I'd just chip in with some thoughts.

In my opinion, you will NEVER get the answers you are seeking. You are not him. You don't think the same, you don't act the same, it's never going to make sense. You can't reason with the unreasonable. It would be like asking Ted Bundy why he killed all those women. No answer would ever make any sense to a sane, normal person.

I was with my first husband for 20 years. Blowing my own trumpet here, I was gorgeous (only 20 when we married), we had regular sex, we had all the trappings of a good life, 2 lovely kids, but....he could not stop cheating on me. Any woman would be a target, even the ones who weren't lookers (sorry, I know how bad that sounds). He was also a bit handsy, pushing, shoving etc, nothing major but not a nice experience. I have no idea why, as I was the perfect wife. Like you, I was also summoned for lifts home, only to be left waiting in the car park for half an hour....SO disrespectful. He even had sex with some of my friends. Really grim.

When I finally left him, he alternated from begging me to stay, to telling me I would regret it. I left him 17 years ago, and he won't speak to me AT ALL , as he can't believe I left him. It was our daughters wedding recently and he even blanked me on that day. It was just me, him and our daughter in the hotel room before the service, and he pretending I didn't exist. SEVENTEEN years later, and on our only daughters wedding day. I mean, how can you even try to reason with that?

On the upside, I met someone else fairly quickly after I left him, and we are still together now, almost 17 years together and married. He's the polar opposite of first H. No wandering eyes or hands. A true companion.

You do have to leave this man. Of course change is scary, but you can't stay like this. I would try to get excited by looking at houses for sale.

A mantra/saying that I love (which might help you?), is this one :

"The Ship is safe in the Harbour, but that's not what Ships are for"

You are that Ship. It's time to start living/sailing. You are living in a prison of sorts right now. Break free my lovely.

# Blondiebeachbabe well done on reading all of that! Of course its lovely and so appreciative of anyone to reply, offer advice and support and I don't know what I'd do without it at the moment, but my ramblings are a safe haven for me to vent my emotions - direct them somewhere safe.
When my home is safe and secure again, I may well print off my posts - although when I am (hopefully) 109 and found dead in the house and being eaten by my chickens, I really don't want my kids knowing just how hideous he was to me.

Thank you for that - it is so inspiring to hear that there is life after all of this. I am so pleased that you met someone worthy of you.
I am sure there are nice chaps out there (as long as you didn't take the last one 😀) and to be honest, its the last thing on my mind.

I have been compiling a list of what 'happy' looks like to me:

Seeing more of my kids (both are 4 hours away).
Getting this operation over and done and being able to move better, be in less pain, be more independent and then drive and see my kids (although still mother to consider).
Getting some reliable help around this place so as the endless list of jobs can be off my mind
Getting up in the morning and knowing what to expect
Going to bed at night and sleeping with an easy mind
De-cluttering this house and having my lovely things around me
Joining a yoga, meditation, relaxation, swimming group - getting out and making some friends hopefully.
Finding out what other things make me happy 🤔