I need a good rant - advice also helpful!

[Sunflowers67]

So, we have been together about 15 years now - living together for 14 of those.
I always knew he was a little 'quirky' but I suppose with family, friends, busy career, I was able to handle it better.
Now, we are both semi retired, my dad passed away so my mum lives with us (not easy, but what else can an only child do), the kids have left home and his 'quirky' little ways are far more noticeable, annoying and darn right hurtful at times.
We are also due to get married in two weeks and I don't think I'm gonna do it. It wont bother him if we don't, he'll just shrug his shoulders and carry on as usual. He wont leave our home or threaten to end the relationship - he never does. Sometimes I wish there would be a huge display of emotion and anger and then we can both just shout at each other, get it out of our systems and then communicate and repair. But he doesn't communicate, he never sees a problem and I am increasingly becoming immune and unfeeling towards him - I suppose its a form of self protection.
We have separate bedrooms, seperate interests and I would say we have lived together like two mates for years - except I don't treat my mates like this.

So, what does he do that is so bad? he doesn't drink much, he is not a cheat, he is not secretive, he would help anyone (except me), he tolerates my mother living with us, he gets on well with my grown up kids (he chooses not to see his family).
He has no emotions, he cannot 'read a room', he doesnt know when I am sad or worried or down as he cannot recognise body language or facial expressions. I have felt for quite some time that he is maybe autistic (his son is, which is why he chooses not to see him - he cant handle the skewed thoughts and strange behaviours from him and never did when he was a small child - the boy was raised by his alcoholic mother, we tried for custody but because we didn't get it, my other half then decided to not see the boy).
Not my style of parenting, but it was his choice.
Now, as we are getting on in years and my health has taken a down turn, I need his support and understanding more. And it isn't there. But then it never was.
I spend my days doing my own thing around the large property that we have - if we try and do something together, gardening, cleaning, maintenance, he just gets frustrated that I'm not doing it his way! So we work separately.
Many a time I have tried to talk to him and he takes it so personally, gets angry, wants very specific examples of how his behaviour has hurt me - and even if I do remember specifics, he then disputes it and turns it all around so as its me with the problem.
Then I am the one more upset, the one staying in my room wondering how my life amounted to this? And what dooes he do whilst I'm upset? He is carrying on as normal, in his own little world. He'll put some music on, he will sing and whistle and be merry. I suppose in his mind, this is me being me - moody, upset and I will snap out of it in a few days. Which I do. The hurt dissipates a little so I carry on functioning normally again - I will talk to him, I will get busy and then round we go again. Same old same old.
I have given up trying to talk to him, I know it does no good. I have tried to get us into some counselling but no where near me does 'couples counselling' - he is willing to go if I find somewhere. He is probably hoping that a counsellor will point out 'the error of my ways'.
I think what bothers me the most is the fact that it doesn't bother him that we are like this - that he is not upset, he doesn't try to talk to me about us, there is just nothing there with him.
I am upstairs now, typing this, and I can hear him downstairs singing away, happy and joyful. I feel like I want to go downstairs and hit him with the large skillet and scream 'feel that buster?!' - I wont, I'm not a violent person. But god does he bring out the worst in me.

Going our separate ways is probably the best option but its quite a scary thought to go it alone after 15 years - and then splitting all the assets, looking after mother, tending to this large place/or even having to sell it and split the proceeds, lawyers. He also would not leave the home so we would be living in more hell until everything was finalised and I am the only one that feels the pain of that.

I suppose I really want us/him to change. And I'm old enough to know that wont happen - been there/divorced that many years ago.

Thank you for letting me offload.

Please take seriously the need to apply for an occupation order and speak to your local police DV unit. Tell them his behaviour is escalating and he is very unpredictable when he increasingly drinks.

If you need to call the police let him be arrested and refuse to have him back.

# RandomMess - Thank you, good advice.
At the moment, I am still having trouble with the 'I'm a victim of domestic abuse' bit - and he is not drinking around me or, as far as I know, in the house. He goes out for most of the day, or stays in his bedroom or in his shed.
IF he acts like that again around me then I will be onto the police, he can spend the night in custody - no doubt about it.
He is due to leave tomorrow and will be in the other end of the country visiting his family and getting his brow soothed about how the 'evil woman' has hurt him.
I will be at my first counselling session, then having my hair done and then going to bed without my door locked.

Just joined my local slimming group and ladies swimming group - go me!

He was supposed to be leaving today - only short term whilst my son was here to allow us time to see each other "without any awkwardness" (because I'm such a decent guy and thinking of you or because I'm ashamed and don't want to be around anyone that knows how I behaved?).
He told me this morning that he is going Friday now and asked when my son would be leaving and then he'd come back.
He then told me that he has been to the doctor (for alcohol misuse? For calling your partner a c*nt? Emotional abuse? For not being able to accept blame or apologise?) - No, sadly not.
For sleeping tablets as he is so wound up and stressed about being forced from his home. He then added that he hasn't taken them though.
So what was the point of that conversation?
Then it was "I thought we'd be together forever and I'm so torn up - BUT, you have to realise that my feelings for you were killed when you said you didn't like having sex with me".

I did say that a few months ago after yet another drunken/name calling episode.

Now, to be clear here, I enjoy sex. But I have to have that emotional connection too. Even in my younger days, just a 'hook up' was not my thing. I want/need to feel that love/care/warmth before I drop my pants.
For the last few years, our lives have changed - my mother is in the house, we sleep separately because of his night terrors and fighting himself (better to have spoken to the doc about that!), I have a spinal problem and a lot of pain and when I get to bed, I am so exhausted that I just want a good book or some light TV or even just a snuggle together.
The snuggles together had to stop completely as he would see it as a green light to grab at a body part or two. Then I had to say 'no' again and he would sulk or remind me of the last time he had exercised Mr Sausage ( we don't call it that, I promise!) - the whole experience became too emotionally draining for me and I do believe that he is incapable of being tactile and caring without it leading to a jolly good rogering). He has even said "well, you just lie there and let me have some release" - in a half joking way but I bet he meant it. Then sulk, moody and off to his room he'd go).
Really!!! That's my belly button, not the inflating valve buddy.

So - another day in paradise here, first counselling session was enlightening and I will probably post later after processing it all.

Keep strong OP x

Why do you care so much about what he says and thinks? He will never move out. There will always be another reason and another. He'll continue to guilt trip you and you will continue to give in. His reasons for staying put are his reasons, not your responsibility.

@Sunflowers67 don't have any advice to offer but you sound like you are living with the partner from hell. I hope that he buggers off quickly and leaves you in peace but it sounds like he will be like a nasty flu bug and hover around for ages 😞

Well, he did leave today so I have a little breathing space. Only for a few days and then he will be back but hopefully, by then, my head will have cleared a little and I may have finished a book or two that have been recommended about 'this sort of thing' - I'm having trouble with wrapping my head around the 'domestic/emotional abuse' tag. I alternate between recognising it to denial, then remembering all his good points and then his really bad points.
There are so many more good than bad - but boy were the bad, bad!

I had a really important medical appointment this morning, which he was going to be attending with me for some moral support, as well as some additional brain power that was needed for the equipment that I have to manage at home from today.
We had to have training on the equipment and had been sent some online learning in readiness for the main event. I completed mine a month ago - he never did! That hurts. I just know that if it was the other way round I would have done it, and then some, for him. He's not at work full time, he has no other obligations to attend to but had plenty of time for what he wanted to do - drinking, watching TV, gambling.....agghhhh that just hurts.
So, I'm home, with my equipment and doing it alone - sort of feels good too but in a scary kind of way 🤔- he did send me a message this evening to say he had made it to the other end of the country and was so happy and proud of me for managing this equipment and how he wished he had been there.
I suppose this is the 'oh poor me' stage and it was all my fault that he wasn't there.

The counsellor was very helpful - we deduced that what I need is validation more than anything. I know what I am doing is the right thing but then I let the other little voice question me - the one that says this was my fault, I drove him to it, I was too needy with my health issues, I relied on him too much to help me.
Hence a few books to dip into when I feel a little weak and vulnerable.
I find myself putting little ticks next to what rings true with me, what I can identify as his behaviours towards me, but then so many are not him.
I also find that I am questioning if I was the abuser - a lot of the behaviours I was doing! Especially 'silent treatment' and 'withholding affection' - I suppose that can be reasoned as being a coping mechanism in response to his abuse. But then, he could say that too! If I am the abuser, then he would act badly towards me as a coping mechanism.......and round and round it goes.

She urged me to report the incidences to the police too - not for any other reason than to have it on record.
I did drive to the police station, I did get out of the car and then the other voice took over and said I was being dramatic and they would think I was some stupid woman that had blown it all of proportion.
Maybe I can do a non emergency report online instead of facing the big hairy testosterone filled desk sergeant that my mind is imagining.

I'm very emotional today - I will cut myself some slack though. Its been a long day, a lot of information to take in, still mother to look after, animals to feed - I think I'm just physically and mentally exhausted.

And so to bed........night all x

I'm glad your hospital apt went well Op and you're getting to grips with your treatment.
You've had so many bad relationships I think it's hard for you to see your DP as abusive but he follows the pattern very clearly he behaves badly then with a touch of nice to keep you onside but he can't take any blame and he can't admit any of it's his fault.
He still won't believe you mean to leave, he'll come back and expect you to have missed him and changed your mind. I know it's hard but the more you can ignore that voice in your head the sooner this will all be over

' My partner had nothing!
I sold my house, mum sold hers and I used all of my savings to buy the big place.
Because he kicked off that he 'didn't feel a part of it' 'didn't feel that he was an equal partner in our relationship' - I stupidly put him on the title deeds - so legally he probably owns a third and a third is what he will want.'

he bullied you into that !!!

and now he is going to get 1/3rd of a house for nothing.

as you know you need a good solicitor.

and go to the police ! you were advised to, so do it.

Police report made - not enough room on the form for everything so I stuck to the most recent.
Made online so I expect someone will contact me 😏

So, busy weekend.
No contact from the other half (ex other half I suppose) - my eldest son has been for the weekend to keep me company, which was lovely, lots of chores done a round the place, empties any alcohol in this house into the boot of his car or down the drain and a visit from a very helpful police lady - who took another full statement (video recorded) and gave lots of helpful advice.
They are unable to take matters further as he has not been physically violent. However, if he drinks excessively and is frightening then I can call them and they will remove him from the house for the night.
Obviously he is due back home in a couple of days following his 'break away' to visit family and clear his head (roughly interpretated as "until she sees the error of her ways and apologises").

I I am not able to remove him permanently as we have to share the house until we have talked about selling/buying him out/whatever - that conversation has not been had yet. My son has said that he would be willing to get a mortgage with me for the amount needed to buy the other half out - that's probably the quickest option as I am dreading living in that environment.

The last few days have been strange but on the whole I have managed well, do not miss him much, love the peace and calm and I even bought myself a lawnmower that is lighter for me and I cut the grass. Big achievement for me - usually had to fall onto bended knees and beg for such things to be done.

The new medical equipment has behaved on the whole, I have discovered YouTube videos for when things are confusing or have gone wrong and I've done it all on my own. I have plans each day for things I want to achieve, I am sleeping better, my mental health and physical energy is so much better - all because of the stress of him not being here.

But he's coming back soon.......

Be brave @Sunflowers67 you can do this, your plan is falling into place. He'll expect you to have changed your mind but you don't have to follow his plan

Well, busy few days, son has gone back home and its just me and mum and all the animals.
He is due back tomorrow but as I've not heard a thing from him, I don't know if that is still happening. I woke up this morning thinking that if things had been different, we would have been on holiday together now and getting married in a couple of days. I don't feel too sad about that, but boy did I need a holiday. And of course, all that money lost.
I feel very strong, capable, calm and relaxed at the moment but I know all that will change once he returns. How does living together but separated even work?
Do we just mill around doing our own thing and not speak to each other or avoid each other? I think it will be very uncomfortable knowing that neither one of us can get on with our lives until the house sells or I can re-mortgage. That could be months/years of living like that. How do people do it?
We couldn't communicate as a 'loving couple' how on earth does it happen in this situation - and of course my mum listening at doors :-)
I don't trust myself to not revert to my old ways when I'm back in his company and living under such strain - what if I hand out the olive branch to him just to stop from feeling and living like this?
I know nothing will change, I know we cannot be together anymore, I know he will never accept any blame - so it would be me doing it purely to keep the peace.

I am seeing my counsellor again tomorrow so can talk some of this through with her but interested to know how others have managed this bizarre living situation that we will be in or of course, your wisdom and advice is always appreciated.

My mind is so jumbled with everything and lots are 'what if' scenarios.

I don't want my life to be put on hold until we split for good - I want to keep feeling this relaxed away from him, I want to win a couple of hundred grand and buy him out now and be done with it, I want to not to have to see him or face him again in case the hurt all starts again.

I hope everyone else is having as good a day as possible and thank you for reading.

@Sunflowers67 although it was a slightly different situation to you, when my now exH and I decided to separate/divorce (3 older teen children) we continued to sleep in the same bed, cuddling in the mornings until a couple of weeks before the house sale was completing when I mentioned how weird it was that we were still cuddling!! He said yes it is, jumped out of bed and went to start the day . There were no more cuddles after that and there's no real point to the story other than to show that you can be civil to someone you used to love whilst sharing the house.

Why would you allow it to take months / years until it is sorted.

1. You sort yourself a solicitor - today as i guess you are going to need one, and you need to work out how much you are going to have to give him since you allowed his name onto the title deeds.
2. Your son finds out if indeed he can get a mortgage
3. You get 3 different estate agents in, they can all be arranged today, for valuations of the house.

1. living together but not living together, separate bedrooms, no doing his housework / laundry / food shopping
2. separate meal times / use of the kitchen. is the house big enough for separate living rooms ?

Your one advantage is you didn't marry so you don't need to wait for divorce proceedings Op. Talk to a solicitor about the legal way to sell up and get him gone. He may put up a fight but you and your DM have the majority share in the house , he's entitled to the money but not to stop the sale

Solicitor is already booked - rural area here and needed a family law one so have had to wait for an appointment.
House appraisals are booked too - as above, have to wait.

The house is not that big - we all have our own rooms but share the living and kitchen areas. And of course there's mother also to consider. Having to live in what I imagine to be a strained and difficult environment will not be good for her, or any of us.
Everything takes time to arrange here - the wheels turn slowly where I live.

If we decide to sell, it could take a couple of years to sell - it had been on the market for two years before we spotted it. I think I want to stay anyway - so maybe I need to speak to my bank and see what they would loan me..............ducks in a row and all that.

@Sunflowers67 you are doing well, don't be swayed.
In my opinion if you can afford to I would buy him out. That way things will be much quicker and less disruption for you and your mother.
You can then sell later down the line if you want.
Did your son have an opinion on it all? Does he like your partner?

My son is a lovely young man (I know I'm biased but he is!) and he is divorced from someone who we all thought was lovely - but behind closed doors was a drinker/abuser/verbal & physical - so he has an idea of what is happening here. He would talk about her drinking and her behaviours, but only this weekend did he say that she would hit him or throw objects at him. Men just are not programmed to admit stuff like that - and he's a well built, fit, tall ex serviceman.

He did say that he had noticed at Christmas (he only gets to visit 3 or 4 times a year) that my partner was going overboard on the booze and that he was shocked to see him taking the harder stuff up to bed "to help him sleep". He felt that was odd and sent off some alarm bells for him.

They got on well, had lots of shared interests, it was never uncomfortable but my son just wants me to be happy again. He has said he will help in any way as long as I never ask him to move in with me :-)

He has a great job and although he currently has a small mortgage, he would be willing to get a joint mortgage and become a part owner - So, as long as the bank doesn't think I'm too old, I think that will be our route.

It sounds like we are rolling in it - but honestly we are not. We struggle just like everyone else, we put everything we owned into this place and only because we agreed to mum living with us, could we afford it with her previous house sale too. The place needs work! The land is the bigger part and we had visions of growing our own, animals - 'The Good Life' for our retirement.

I know no-body makes another person drink/get nasty - but living with my mum has been very hard on both of us. I know he was struggling with her (mild dementia, full on narcissist, selfish, bitter & twisted and is always negative) - I struggle with her and she's my blood relative! I promised my dad I would look after her when he was gone and that's what I'm trying to do.

We rarely had time together, there was no privacy and she has some disgusting habits - that anyone not on the spectrum would struggle with, let alone someone with Aspergers or whatever it is he has.

I'm not making excuses - we all have our choices - but I suppose I am able to reflect on just how awful it is living with a parent again, let alone one that isn't yours.

That must be hard, I know I couldn't live with my mother and she isn't that bad.

Please don't start making excuses for him, I just re-read your original post and there is a lot more to it than having your mum there.

Don't make excuses for him, you are going to get into debt for him and thus giving him 33% of the house you and your mother bought...

This man doesn't love you.
He doesn't even like you.
He actually hates you and I bet he hates women in general.
Get out now.
He DOESN'T LIKE OR LOVE YOU.
His singing and laughing are classic signs when I went through the same thing living with an abuser.
They LOVE the idea you are upstairs, upset wondering about everything, so they actively do the whistle, singing, I'm perfectly okay it's her the mental bitch.
These men hate women, you need to be a million miles away from him.

Well, he's back! Rocked up an hour ago and was civil.
I suggested a cuppa up the garden away from mother and talk about how his week had gone.
That did not go well - he disagreed with anything I said, criticised what I had done around the place, was just defensive and angry.
I insisted that he did not drink in the house and he laughed! Despite saying how vulnerable it made me feel, he said that was my problem and not his and how dare I lay down the law to him in his own house.
I kept very calm and to the point, I was polite, I was careful with my tone etc etc. I informed him that I had spoken to the police and they had taken a statement.
He laughed.
I informed him that if he chose to drink in his own home and made me feel scared in any way or his behaviour was unacceptable, such as last time throwing furniture and kicking things, calling me names, I would be calling them.
He laughed again and said "they will tell me to quieten down and not thank you for wasting their time".

Jeez this is going to be a long and uncomfortable time until we sort everything.

He said he had had legal advice and "don't start telling me what I can and cant do - I know legalities better than you" - "I am not selling, you cant buy me out and I will just live here for as long as I like".
I said that I was hoping to buy his share out and that I did not want to leave here "So, dont expect me to either - why should I?"

He is so childish and uncommunicative, how do you communicate with someone that is just on the defensive for everything - there is no adult inside this man - just an immature little boy.

Off to see my counsellor for some calm.

You need a property solicitor as well as a family one - you need someone who can see if there are any loopholes to his ' ownership ' of the property.
You were bullied and coerced into putting his name on the title deeds of the house that you and your mother own.

You are giving him ammunition and not keeping your powder dry. Why tell him what you have done and will do? Do you seriously want rid of him, because it really doesn't look like it.
Contact a lawyer and find out exactly what you can and can't do.
Stop engaging him in any conversations. If he starts one, walk away.
Stop feeding him, washing his clothes etc.
Grey rock, grey rock, grey rock.