I need a good rant - advice also helpful!

[Sunflowers67]

So, we have been together about 15 years now - living together for 14 of those.
I always knew he was a little 'quirky' but I suppose with family, friends, busy career, I was able to handle it better.
Now, we are both semi retired, my dad passed away so my mum lives with us (not easy, but what else can an only child do), the kids have left home and his 'quirky' little ways are far more noticeable, annoying and darn right hurtful at times.
We are also due to get married in two weeks and I don't think I'm gonna do it. It wont bother him if we don't, he'll just shrug his shoulders and carry on as usual. He wont leave our home or threaten to end the relationship - he never does. Sometimes I wish there would be a huge display of emotion and anger and then we can both just shout at each other, get it out of our systems and then communicate and repair. But he doesn't communicate, he never sees a problem and I am increasingly becoming immune and unfeeling towards him - I suppose its a form of self protection.
We have separate bedrooms, seperate interests and I would say we have lived together like two mates for years - except I don't treat my mates like this.

So, what does he do that is so bad? he doesn't drink much, he is not a cheat, he is not secretive, he would help anyone (except me), he tolerates my mother living with us, he gets on well with my grown up kids (he chooses not to see his family).
He has no emotions, he cannot 'read a room', he doesnt know when I am sad or worried or down as he cannot recognise body language or facial expressions. I have felt for quite some time that he is maybe autistic (his son is, which is why he chooses not to see him - he cant handle the skewed thoughts and strange behaviours from him and never did when he was a small child - the boy was raised by his alcoholic mother, we tried for custody but because we didn't get it, my other half then decided to not see the boy).
Not my style of parenting, but it was his choice.
Now, as we are getting on in years and my health has taken a down turn, I need his support and understanding more. And it isn't there. But then it never was.
I spend my days doing my own thing around the large property that we have - if we try and do something together, gardening, cleaning, maintenance, he just gets frustrated that I'm not doing it his way! So we work separately.
Many a time I have tried to talk to him and he takes it so personally, gets angry, wants very specific examples of how his behaviour has hurt me - and even if I do remember specifics, he then disputes it and turns it all around so as its me with the problem.
Then I am the one more upset, the one staying in my room wondering how my life amounted to this? And what dooes he do whilst I'm upset? He is carrying on as normal, in his own little world. He'll put some music on, he will sing and whistle and be merry. I suppose in his mind, this is me being me - moody, upset and I will snap out of it in a few days. Which I do. The hurt dissipates a little so I carry on functioning normally again - I will talk to him, I will get busy and then round we go again. Same old same old.
I have given up trying to talk to him, I know it does no good. I have tried to get us into some counselling but no where near me does 'couples counselling' - he is willing to go if I find somewhere. He is probably hoping that a counsellor will point out 'the error of my ways'.
I think what bothers me the most is the fact that it doesn't bother him that we are like this - that he is not upset, he doesn't try to talk to me about us, there is just nothing there with him.
I am upstairs now, typing this, and I can hear him downstairs singing away, happy and joyful. I feel like I want to go downstairs and hit him with the large skillet and scream 'feel that buster?!' - I wont, I'm not a violent person. But god does he bring out the worst in me.

Going our separate ways is probably the best option but its quite a scary thought to go it alone after 15 years - and then splitting all the assets, looking after mother, tending to this large place/or even having to sell it and split the proceeds, lawyers. He also would not leave the home so we would be living in more hell until everything was finalised and I am the only one that feels the pain of that.

I suppose I really want us/him to change. And I'm old enough to know that wont happen - been there/divorced that many years ago.

Thank you for letting me offload.

Life is jogging (limping) along here. The grief phase hit and went again after a few days.
Still nothing from his solicitor regarding the offer to buy him out. I suppose I will have to pay mine more money to send a nudge to them for a decision. Maybe that's why he is stalling - keeping some power and control and to hit my pocket further. Well, in the words of Mel Robbins 'Let them' - jolly good audio book that me and the dogs are currently listening to at night.

Only six weeks now until I go off on my first ever girly holiday, my adult ed class is amazing and I have just signed up for another, therapy continues, not many sad moments now but I still feel 'half empty' - which I suppose is better than 'completely empty'.

Work and home life are busy - which is probably a good thing. I don't like too much time to sit and contemplate everything.

On a scale of one to ten I am probably around a four to five now on the 'contented' scale. A month ago it would have been a two and four months ago it would of been a zero.

I have been thinking back to some of my previous long term relationships, looking for clues that I may need to alter my behaviour or do some work on my relationship skills. I really don't think that I have an inflated ego at all, but I cant find anything wrong with how I was. I didn't ask them to drink excessively and get nasty, I didn't ask one to cheat and lie and raid my bank account, I didn't ask the other one to drink, lie, cheat and cause me to miscarry. THEY DID THAT. And so did this one. Their choices, their actions, their behaviours so their consequences.
No.1,2 & 3 are still doing to others what they did to me, they have a string of unsupported children and cast off girlfriends and wives, they do not work and have no intention of ever doing so. The latest one? Who cares.

But no more from this tired old gal. She is going to keep growing, discovering, thriving and enjoying life in her own sweet way.

I do feel like I am properly on the healing road now instead of just edging a toe on and off now and then........

Glad you're making progress @Sunflowers67 , it sounds like you're getting some insight into your past which will hopefully stop history repeating again. Keep on keeping on, you'll do fine

Don’t bother sending a judge you need to start the court process.

@Sunflowers67 You do sound stronger - those feelings will come and go. ten years on from my separation/divorce I still have moments of 'what if I hadn't done this" "what if I had done that, would we still be together" but it is taking up less brain time now!

“ I still feel 'half empty' - which I suppose is better than 'completely empty'. “

Which means that the rest of you is half full, right? You have things which are filling your life and feeding your soul. Look at it through that lens rather than the empty lens if you can.

@Sunflowers67 you're doing so well. All your plans sound fantastic. Think of where you'll be in six months! 🌷

Here we are in September! Wow - where did the last six months go?

Things are calm, quiet, peaceful and even enjoyable now and then. I take pleasure in the simple things - sitting outside with a coffee, listening to the birds and the wind in the trees, watching the moon and the stars on dark nights, reading or listening to a good book, my adult ed classes, exercise group and even doing the shopping!

Finding out about me more and more each month - my likes, dislikes, how I think and act and that ultimately I am a kind, caring person that would give my last penny to someone in need. But I am also learning to question and recognise who actually deserves my last penny. That's a biggie for me as I would usually just give it and assume that everyone tells the truth and that everyone thinks like me. They don't. Sadly, not everyone is good in this world and not everyone has your best intentions at heart.

I still see my therapist on a regular basis and the lovely people at the dom abuse centre. I still read and listen to everything about covert narcissists/domestic abuse but not nearly as much as I did.

I still question if I am to blame for his anger and abuse, now and then rather than on an hourly basis now, thank goodness. Boy! That was exhausting.

I still miss him, although the 'idea of him' probably more so than what he had become. But these moments are no longer the all encompassing grief and distress that I used to feel. More of a quiet sadness and without all that snot!

The legal stuff is just one stalling manoeuvre after another from him - but that's fine. Its his time being wasted and I don't need legal paperwork to keep moving my life and healing along. Let him play his silly games.

I am managing the practical sides of my life too - there is pretty much nothing that I am not capable of. I cannot believe how unmotivated, depressed and helpless I had become with him. Now I'm up ladders fixing things, painting, gardening, fixing the car, doing all those silly little jobs that no one ever got around too. I feel such a sense of pride and achievement when I do them too.

Physically - so much better. Migraines gone, brain fog nearly gone, random aches, pains, stomach upsets and sheer exhaustion gone. I do feel 10 years younger and I look it too. I take pride in my appearance again rather than wanting to stay in pyjamas all day.

I have also applied for a part time job as a supporter for a women's domestic abuse charity. My previous job roles and qualifications were along similar lines and I have a need to help others. I had looked at voluntary work in charity shops for a couple of days a week, and although it would get me out and meeting people, I don't think I would feel as useful as I could be, maybe? Possibly? I also have the beginnings of an idea that I may or may not put into practice - still looking into it so I wont say much for now, but I was/am a very good business woman and I need a project - if nothing else it has gotten me a little excited and focused on something.

I am still a work in progress and I know that. I may always carry the scars, I may always wish for what could of been, I may always have little niggles and doubts if it was me - but that is a good thing as it will keep me working on me, it will keep my 'asshole' antennae on alert (dating is something so far off my radar that even NASA wouldn't find it) and every decision, wish or want that comes into my mind is now my choice because it is my life. And yes I am going to be very selfish with it.

So, that's my little update for now.

I really hope everyone else is doing okay and on the days that you are not, that's okay too. Sometimes a good cry and spending the day in pyjamas (now and then) is allowed still - but much better with a bar of chocolate too 😄

Aw thank you for the update, you must have read my mind as I was just thinking about you last night.

Great update @Sunflowers67 , love that you've found your energy again, better still you see you loved your idea of him, not the real man. It's a cliche but time is a great healer and you sound like a new woman, onwards and upwards 💐

You sound so much more positive now. Onwards and upwards. You will let us know if you are successful re the job, won't you.

I’ve so appreciated your sharing. Did you consider writing a book? You’re so self aware, good with words, honest and lovely. You try to be as kind to yourself as you are with others. I’ve been touched by you and I’m all the way on the other side of the world. Thanks for putting pieces of yourself here.

I love your update. So much of what you write resonates with me. I did all my painting and decorating in my first house after I split with the bastard. I even tiled the kitchen.
Good for you

Well done!

Great update well done

Ahhhh thank you everyone - you are too kind! Your support on the sleepless nights and allowing me to rant all over the page was a huge help - you will never know how much. I feel like you are all 'friends' behind the screen.

I am sure that there will still be some dark (hopefully just grey) days ahead and I will keep writing in my journal and on here.

Today, I am going to keep clearing cupboards, sorting my clutter out, hopefully get a bit more decorating done - I think it's called 'sorting your shit out' 😆
Nothing like a bit of decluttering to clear the mind.

🌻

OK, you wise ones!

Healing is still going well and generally I am continuing with a sort of 'Mona Lisa' smile - not quite the big, all teeth bared just yet!

I know we all have many unanswered questions after going through something like this. But I have one specific one that has bugged me about him for ever and ever.

So any insights appreciated.

We owned property together, we had a business together and some spare cash together - but despite my pleas to make a will to protect me (we were not married) he would not do it. After a few attempts at discussing (certainly not badgering or nagging) he would close down the conversation about it or just get angry.

I had one that protected him, but he wouldn't do one to protect me. When we bought our house, I purchased two wills - I did mine, he never did his.

He had children that were grown up which he had no relationship with and my only thought was that he had guilt there and wanted them to have it all when he died intestate - but that also doesn't feel like the right explanation to me.

So, am I missing something here? Any ideas? Or maybe he just hated me so much that he didn't want to look after me when he had popped off?

Thank you wise ones and I hope you are having a good day or at least some good moments in that day! 🌻

But

you didn't own a property together ? I was under the impression you put his name on the deeds of your house as he felt he was missing out

You should not have been missing out, it was your house and I suspect your business
however with his children being next of kin then he would have been leaving them half of your house

just further proof he didn't care.

and he still doesn't as I suspect until your legal situation is sorted out, I guess if he dies tomorrow his children will get half of your house...

Thankfully your eyes are wide open now.

#OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon
That's correct - I am pretty sure that he coerced me into putting his name on the house and business (the sulks, the moods, not feeling a part of everything) and the voice of reason that sits on my shoulder told me not to. But when have I ever listened to good advice. And I loved him and thought we were forever.
Let that be a lesson to all you newly engaged couples 😁

So, legally he is entitled and that is what he will get.

I suppose what I am left with is he played me like a fiddle, only pretended to love me (?) but I was a safe haven and met his needs. Until I no longer did.
That is very hard to accept, but is the only reasonable explanation for it all.

I am going to try and sit with that - of course he wouldn't make a will or marry me - he wanted to make sure that his assets were safe. And then he only wanted to marry me because he thought I may die soon and he could have more. I always had the feeling that he disliked me, resented me, was jealous of me......

Oh well - onwards we go. Could have been far worse - could have been 30 years instead of 15. He could have killed me. I am free, calm and pretty much at peace.

You didn't own a property together ? I was under the impression you put his name on the deeds of your house as he felt he was missing out
You should not have been missing out, it was your house and I suspect your business.

Very true - I use the term 'bought our house together' as at the moment of purchase he was on the deeds. So legally, his house too. No money put into it from him. I have had legal advice and it's too much of a gamble that a court would see it as coercion and side with me. Its not worth the risk, the extra money, the stress - an expensive lesson learnt and debt to buy him out until I am 127.

So sorry you gad to find out the hard way. But better, as you say, 15 years than 30.

I am glad to hear that you are doing better OP . I didn’t see your thread at the time .
I am also glad that you made a decision to end the relationship as it seems that you were the only one making any effort .
I am further along after a messy separation and as others have said , as you are experiencing , it does get better over time .
We all deserve to be happy and I think like me , you poured your all into a relationship and sadly it didn’t work out . I think it is difficult to admit that we failed and you do keep hoping to an extent that it was all a bad dream and that they are the person that you wanted them to be . But sadly that was not the case and a relationship can only work when you are both prepared to put in the effort and not act selfishly .We can’t make these relationships work on our own .
I am glad that I am out of mine , although sad for my kids and sad how things ended for me .
You seem to be pushing ahead with the rest of your life and making a real effort to get out and about . That really helped me too and I try and not turn down invites unless it is something I really don’t want to do !
It is difficult to adjust and the first Christmas , birthdays etc were hard . But hard as they were, I no longer had that expectation that my ex would step up and make an effort . I also suspect neurodiversity in my ex and it was very tough not being supported throughout our long relationship . I think it is healthier though to be independent and not to have that expectation of support which never comes .

Time for a little update.
Hope everyone is doing ok?

I think I am month seven now of being free from him. Life is pretty busy with clubs, adult ed classes, running the house and business, the animals and everything else that falls on our shoulders when we hit 'singledom' again. Not that I ever had much help anyway 😀

I did my first solo trip abroad - only a few days but I managed to drive myself to an airport, navigate the airport on my own, get on the correct flight and then spend a wonderful few days in the sunshine. Came back feeling quite empowered and confident - go me! I now have a bucket list of places I want to visit on my own.

Legal stuff is no further forward. My offer to buy out has so far been ignored still. I figured my trip abroad was worth my spare money rather than paying for yet another solicitors letter - I'll wait it out a few more weeks and then get another sent. I have a feeling that he is enjoying the 'making me wait' bit.

I found the strength to clear out the rest of his belongings from the house and found illegal drugs - tucked into the back of a cupboard. Not a small quantity either! That explains a lot. My trusty instinct was right again and I ignored it. Something was always niggling at me that he acted as if he was on drugs and I dismissed the idea. Needless to say I photographed it all where it was and have informed the police. Not sure what they will do yet?

So, apart from that, I still see my therapist, still see a domestic abuse worker, still struggle with some unanswered questions but I am learning to live with that as they will probably never be answered. I don't feel sad anymore - my feelings are more of "what a stupid man you were" - because I am a catch! 😜

Lets hope he sets his sights considerably lower in future.

My body has settled too - most of my illnesses are gone and there is a spring in my step.

Life is peaceful, calm, quiet and all mine (she says, peeking around the corner waiting for some b*stard to spoilt it).
Obviously need to work on this pessimistic streak a little 🤔

🌻

Aw that's lovely to hear, you do sound so much ' better ' .

I have been lurking and your updates is lovely to hear. Onwards and upwards. Well done 👍

Of course you’re a catch! And you’re lucky to have you!
All’s well here, happy to read this report.