Dating new guy - surprise pregnancy

[Gnomie93]

I've recently started seeing this guy and he’s wonderful, and we both like each other very much but it still early days.

This morning he calls me, he’s very upset, and tells me that he has just found out a previous one night stand he had prior to us dating is now pregnant. He makes it clear he doesn't want to lose me but also understands if I make a run for it.

He doesn't know if the woman will keep the baby, she’s in her very early twenties and from what I gather they don't have any feelings for each other. What makes it worse - it is his housemate. (She is now moving out)

Im stuck on whether I should continue dating him? I know that this situation is so messy and I feel bad for them both and I don't want to sway any decision that is made but I do like him and that's very hard to find now days.

What makes her vulnerable??

Your peace of mind is worth far more than this guy will give you. He chose not to wear protection and now he's facing the consequences but they're not yours to carry too.

This is a child who will be in his life forever. Don’t do it is my advice.

If I was her, I wouldn’t have told him until I had made a decision . If I decided to have an abortion I would tell the best person to support me through that (not necessarily him) and I would expect them to keep it to themselves.

Ok I was the ONS in this situation. I had been out with the dad many years previously but were just flatmates when I got pregnant. Laterally a ONS based on familiarity.
He asked me to abort, I couldn’t justify it and that’s it, never saw him again. He started paying CM about 7 years later and never missed a payment but neither of us had any contact with him since. I’m in touch with his sister who sees DS but neither of his parents were bothered.

So really - I wouldn’t let it put you off. It could be he’s a test or it could be just one if things life has thrown at him.

Not 22 would be my guess.

@Neemie I don't disagree with what your approach would be. I'd be the same.

And if telling a supportive family member or close friend, I'd 100% expect them not to tell anyone. It's not their place to discuss or tell.

However, she has told him. And it's his (potential) baby and will significantly impact the rest of his life either way. He does know and it is his news/business to share. I also think some men going through this will find it very stressful & emotional and do deserve support. What he is going through is massive too (although not on the scale she is obviously).

All of this is on the basis he's a decent guy and hasn't treated her badly or taken advantage. At this stage there's nothing to indicate he has (although I'm starting to doubt this with each response!)!

It’s good you are going to end things OP but honestly the next step is to work on taking him off this pedestal. You can’t have been dating long so you can’t ’know’ he would never be a deadbeat dad. People find that out about their husbands of many years!!

My husband brought his gfs to meet me. He told me they were clients or friends needing advice and told them I was an ex who had nowhere to go and he wasn’t throwing me out…the house was huge with a guest wing so I suppose he told them I had that end, but I did get asked to make the coffee .

IMO meeting does not mean nothing went on except the ONS

Give him a few weeks of “space”. Like you can be a supportive friend but your relationship is on PAUSE.

1. will she decide be solo mum
2. will she lose baby
3. what will BF do in either situation
4. does he get a new female flatmate?

She loses baby, he gets a man flatmate … proceed
She keeps baby .. step away

It's good that he's been honest but personally I wouldn't want to get involved.
He's going to need to focus on and prioritise his baby, which is as it should be, but it's not a great environment for a new relationship

I suppose it was implied when the OP said that she was very quiet and in her very early 20s, just made her seem quite naïve and then leaving - just didn’t sit right with me.

He sounds incredibly irresponsable. Who has unprotected full blown penetration in a one night stand then gets all shocked when the girl is pregnant? I would want to get in a relationship with someone more responsable. I would ditch this one and let him sort the mess.

Your relationship must be very new if they slept together a few weeks before you met him and she is still able to consider a termination tbh either that or the time line doesn't quite match what they are saying to you. Honestly walk away and let them sort this out between themselves. If they've been housemates and slept together they will probably try a relationship if they keep the baby even if it doesn't last. If they decide to end the pregnancy he will need so time to get his head around it all. Its a lot for someone you've only been dating a few weeks

I think this would be really messy. Could it be that they were actually FWB for a bit?

I have (unfortunately) been in this exact situation. My ex took me to the pub to tell me, cried like a baby and begged me to give him a chance, and stupidly I did! I basically became the babies second parent, he was absolutely useless because I picked up the slack with the baby every other weekend, he lived 10 minutes away from his ex and saw the baby every other week (not enough). He was a shit parent, we moved too quickly because I thought we could be some kind of family unit and all along he was using me as free childcare. I would not ignore the huge red flag that is right infront of you as it lead to almost 3 years of misery for me, with a man who couldn’t take responsibility for a single thing in his life. Like others have said if he isn’t immediately concentrating on this child they may be having, he is likely a very big baby / shit person and you’ll go through hell like I did.

@Iwanttoliveonamountain where does it say the sex was unprotected? Or that the woman is vulnerable?

OP I would at least wait until you know if she’s keeping the baby or not, because the 2 possible scenarios are totally different.

In one scenario, your boyfriend is just a man who had consensual sex with a woman, they both acknowledge it was a mistake, she has a pregnancy termination and they both move on. This happens all the time. Not all pregnancies need to lead to a baby, and plenty of women have terminations without any trauma.

In another scenario, she decides to keep the baby, and in that situation I would end the relationship, because it all gets way too complicated.

Obviously you wouldn’t tell him that you were waiting to see what she decided and would be basing your decision on that. Just say you need time to think about it, which is actually true really.

Why are people assuming he didn’t use a condom?

@HomeBodyClub Agree with you, although it's more likely he didn't and OP hasn't commented on this.

I’ve answered the first part above and she got pregnant. If the condom failed she should’ve got the morning after.

@Iwanttoliveonamountain no form of contraception is 100% certain. For all we know, they used a condom and she could have been on the pill too. Or got the morning after pill. We don’t know. That’s why I was questioning your assumption that the man had unprotected sex. It very much sounds as if you chose to make a set of assumptions to fit with an anti male narrative, presumably due to your own experiences and agenda.

You’re totally incorrect regarding anti-male narrative. And your assumptions are extremely generous. This guy is having sex with a roommate gets her pregnant and virtually simultaneously is in a ‘relationship’ with someone else. What’s not to like?

So what’s the more likely scenario 2/3 different forms of contraception all fail or none was used?

That’s nothing to do with an ‘anti male narrative’ it’s basic facts.