DP wants baby

[Teaandtwobiscuits]

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. I have a DS from a previous relationship. When we got together I told DP that I didn’t see myself having any more children, he was fine with this and said that he wasn’t sure if he wanted any DC himself.

Anyway, DP told me at the weekend that he wants a baby and that he understands if I don’t want one, but it will mean that we will have to separate. I completely respect DPs position on this, he would be a great dad and I don’t want him to miss out on having that experience, but I just don’t have a desire to have any more children.

I’m now in a really difficult situation; I either have a baby, to keep him or he leaves and not only do I lose my DP but my DS loses his step dad who he loves. We have a lovely life together, we’re all happy and I’d be heartbroken if we separate, but I fear that I’d resent him if I have a baby to make him stay (also aware that if he stays now, it doesn’t mean that he’d never leave in the future).

My DS is 6 and absolutely does not want a sibling either, he cries anytime anyone mentions it (eg family members often ask “would you like a little brother or sister”).

FWIW I am financially independent so if we do separate I won’t have to move house etc.

Has anyone been in this situation, if so what did you do and how did it turn out?

It’s the biggest incompatibility of all. I think you’ll end up breaking up sooner or later.

Being a childless step parent is a massive sacrifice and people do change their minds about these things, it seems he has, and you obviously can’t have a baby you don’t want.

It’s very sad but it’s better he’s honest than resents not getting a chance to have his own.

Is he going to quit working & be an SAHP or will he expect you to deal with it?

I'd let him go. It's too bad your child has been exposed to him at such a young age.

Sounds like it’s the end of the road then- neither of you are wrong, just incompatible. Hope you can stay friends.

He would happily quit work and be a SAHP, but I don’t see why I should have the pressure of covering the family finances in order to have a baby for him (It feels wrong writing that the baby would be for him, because if I had one I know I’d love it unconditionally, but ultimately it would be for him).

On the other hand, he earns minimum wage so wouldn’t be in a position to support the family financially to allow me to reduce my hours in work.

it’s a real sad situation, I respect his honesty and I’d never try to convince him to stay and not have a baby of his own, had he been upfront at the beginning I wouldn’t have got into a relationship with him and brought him into DS’s life.

I would ask him how he is going to afford your maternity leave, nursery costs etc.

He's thinking baby rather than life long commitment.

He's not in a financial position to afford a baby. He makes minimum wage.

You would be supporting him, your existing child, and a baby that you had told him you didn't want before you started this relationship. I think the financial burden would breed a lot of resentment on your part. You also have a child that this would greatly affect and in a negative way financially and emotionally.

You are incompatible now that he's changed his mind and decided he wants children with or without you. He should have been honest. I'm getting the feeling he's pretty sure you'll go along since he's already in you and your child's life.

I would not continue the relationship. This would be breakup time and he would be free to find a woman willing to have a child with him and financially support the family because that's what he wants.

So you're also financially incompatible it sounds like.

How old are you both?

I would not have a baby that i did not 100% want myself.
I think he needs to leave, shame he wasn't honest from the start.

Worth noting that men can and do try to baby trap.

I suspect he will try to backtrack when you end things.

But either way you are no longer compatible.

Amd if he can't afford to financially take the strain off his partner if she were to have a child, then he's not in a position to be a parent anyway.

Assuming this is a genuine good faith desire of his and he's not some jerk trying to knock you up to lock you down... I'd be inclined to give him a reality check there. I'd also see if I could have a friend or family's young kids over for the day and leave him mostly too it (supervise but inactive) Bet he'd soon change his tune.

That’s exactly how I feel, that I’d end up resenting him because I’d have the financial burden and most likely the majority of the childcare burden would fall on me to arrange, as I WFH whereas he does shift work.

He’s 39, I’m 38.

I really appreciate the replies here, when I talk to friends about the situation most of them say that I should have a baby, it makes me feel unreasonable, or that there’s something wrong with me, for not wanting to have another child.

He's entitled to change his mind. Unless he lied to you and always wanted DC, it doesn't sound like he's done anything wrong to you or your DS.

Did he ask if he could marry you? Or just impregnate you?

No way you told him you didn't want one and he's lied to you for 5 years? What a waste of your time and how awful for you.

I think he's just out the nail in the coffin of his lovely life.

If he is really adamant that he wants children, and you are adamant that you don't, then I don't see you have any choice but to separate.

But I think its unfair people saying he hasn't been honest etc..... You said that he said that he wasn't sure if he wanted children when you were first together, not that he DIDN'T want them. He is allowed to change his mind. People change as they get a bit older and he has now decided he does want them. Nothing wrong with that at all. He has been open and honest in telling you how he feels now.

It is sad that you no longer seem to want the same things but you both deserve a life where you are happy.

There is no way I'd have another baby at age 38 and already having a 6 year old (huge age gap will make family activities tricky) especially not with someone on minimum wage who can't really afford to.

Then you need new friends.

This isn't adopting a puppy. It's a lifelong, life-changing, very expensive commitment to a new human being.

What is his plan if (as is not uncommon) the baby is ill, profoundly disabled or otherwise much higher needs than he probably has in mind? What is his plan to finance all of the costs including thousands in childcare? Does he have any experience whatsoever with 24/7/365 responsibility for another living being? What is his plan for a pension and old-age savings if he can't even contribute properly to the household now?

What a shame that your child has been put in a position to become attached to him.

Good point. And is he going to step it up and get a higher paying job? Tell him you'll revisit the matter when he earns at least as much as you do, has his pension funded and contributes 50/50 to all current household expenses.

He was probably hoping that you'd change your mind. I definitely wouldn't want to be impregnated by him.

He was honest from the start. OP said that he wasn't sure if he wanted children or not. She didn't say that he has always said he didn't want them. He is allowed to have a change of heart and change his mind.

Is it approaching 40 that’s made him think it’s his last chance to be a dad do you think?

He’s entitled to change his mind but equally you’re entitled not to change yours.

Your friends are idiots. No one should have a baby unless it’s what they truly want. Having a baby to please someone else is a dreadful reason.

People can change their minds!

OP it’s a shame, especially for your son, but better now than in five or ten years. Your son will forget and your ex will probably go on to have a family with his next partner. Don’t have a baby you don’t want.

He's a middle aged guy with a minimum wage job. But after 5 years, he now decided he wants a child. And you are financially independent, have a place, are already a mom and work from home.

I get the feeling he's looking for an easy landing spot and he's hoping to lock you into being that with a child.

You would be taking on some increased health risk. There would be increased risk of having a child with special needs.

There is no way I would risk my and my child's future for this. You are in a great place now. I had a child in my early 40s but I was in a happy long term marriage and we were both financially stable. Even then, having a baby when you're older is hard and expensive if there are extra needs.

I would set this one free. He's said he's ready to go find another woman to have a kid with.

Tbh I think approaching 40 is a big factor and in the last 5 years a lot of his close friends have got married and had a baby.

My friends have said things like - if I had another baby I would love it and never regret having it, yet I could regret losing him and in years to come I might wish that I had given my DS a sibling.

To answer some of the other posts, in the 5 years that we’ve been together there’s been no sign of him making a commitment such as proposing, wanting to buy a house together, yet he wants to have a baby together.

The thing is, he's asking you to have a baby, but not actually bringing any extra money for said baby. So the money you currently have is being diluted even further. \Less for your existing son. Less driving lessons, car, uni costs, house deposit - basically, less for you and yours, more for him.

And yes to a pp who said he's tying you down. Ask him what his retirement plan is, the answer will be interesting.

That's a point. Lots of losers out there don't even want to make you their wife before suggesting babies. Ick.

Fair enough if you'd both had the discussion and you said you never wanted marriage but otherwise he's a loser.

Sounds like he wants what he wants, fair enough. Let him off.

Don't change your stance if you're 100% sure about not having another DC. There's no guarantee that siblings will get along, and it sounds like DS isn't keen on a new arrival.