DP wants baby

[Teaandtwobiscuits]

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. I have a DS from a previous relationship. When we got together I told DP that I didn’t see myself having any more children, he was fine with this and said that he wasn’t sure if he wanted any DC himself.

Anyway, DP told me at the weekend that he wants a baby and that he understands if I don’t want one, but it will mean that we will have to separate. I completely respect DPs position on this, he would be a great dad and I don’t want him to miss out on having that experience, but I just don’t have a desire to have any more children.

I’m now in a really difficult situation; I either have a baby, to keep him or he leaves and not only do I lose my DP but my DS loses his step dad who he loves. We have a lovely life together, we’re all happy and I’d be heartbroken if we separate, but I fear that I’d resent him if I have a baby to make him stay (also aware that if he stays now, it doesn’t mean that he’d never leave in the future).

My DS is 6 and absolutely does not want a sibling either, he cries anytime anyone mentions it (eg family members often ask “would you like a little brother or sister”).

FWIW I am financially independent so if we do separate I won’t have to move house etc.

Has anyone been in this situation, if so what did you do and how did it turn out?

Personally I wouldn’t. The burden on women is a huge price. I know this now.

Who can't afford to support himself let alone a baby, AND who doesn't want marriage.

Loser looking to secure a lifelong meal ticket.

So what do we think the odds are he backpedals if op ends it? Think 70% or there abouts? Or is that too high? 60/40 maybe?

I would say 90% once he realises his chances of meeting someone else who wants to have his baby are close to zero.

Also, Love is an action..

that’s lacking from what OP said, which indicates she could be left holding the baby

and not metaphorically!

Is it 1940? Surely OP knowing he wants kids, marrying him and then once the ring is on her finger turning round and saying “oh actually I don’t want kids” would be way worse. It’s happens all the time on here “my DH doesn’t want kids, but I do” “WHY DIDN’T YOU DISCUSS SOMETHING AS IMPORTANT AS KIDS BEFORE GETTING MARRIED”.
The discussion to have kids is surely important before deciding to get married? Otherwise what’s the point in getting married if you’re on different pages?

@Nodlikeyouwerelistening People change their minds! As the OP's partner has done. I think any woman is foolish to have a baby without getting married. It's not an equal endeavour with equal risks nor can it ever be!

Yes the DISCUSSION to have kids or not before marriage is important.

But that's not the same thing. He's strung op along marriage/security wise and now thinks he can talk her into skipping all that and having a kid she made clear she doesn't want.

He's made no move to show that he will step up for op in the last 5 years and now he suddenly wants children. Again with no real 'this is how I would step up' plan in place.

The problem isn't just that's he's changed his mind. It's that he's never shown any real solid commitment behaviours towards the person he expects to be the mother of his child. Heck, at least a surrogate would get paid.

He’s probably never shown “commitment” (although is helping to raise her child?!?!) because of the question around whether or not to have children.

Now he knows he wants children.

He’s hardly strong arming her. He’s decided he wants children and has verbalised his position, which is ultimately “I want kids and if you really don’t want another then I need to move on”. A totally valid position to have. OP herself now has to decide if she wants another or not and it sounds like she doesn’t, so it is what it is and it’s sad but they can’t work.

He’s really not a villain, he just wants more than OP can give.

And that is a discussion to have IF she decides to have another baby. If she doesn’t want more children then what’s even the point in discussing marriage?
Equally, there are plenty of unmarried mothers out there who are not foolish…. Many who even decide to do it alone.

Generally speaking I agree with you but in this case it sounds like OP is much more financially comfortable than him and has assets so marriage is probably not going to be a particularly good thing for her or her existing child. He doesn’t have a house and is on a very low income so unlikely to have a healthy pension pot. There is no financial gain for OP in this case.

Ot would be foolish for this financially secure op to marry this man. It isnt that there would be no gsin for her, it is that it would be all losses and absolutely no risk or loss from him.

What an archaic view 🙄

It's really not. Sometimes accidents happen and sometimes people don't want marriage. But if he doesn't even bring marriage up for discussion before asking you to start popping out babies, he's a loser. Nothing archaic about it. It's just a lot of women settle for losers.

Marriage is so outdated, there are other ways to protect yourself, there are other discussions that can be had. I’d respect a man that discussed how he would manage the practicalities of having a child over asking to put a ring on my finger.

@OnePearlHelper Marriage is a legal contract that is not remotely 'outdated'. It's the most efficient legal way to protect yourself. Can you tie yourself in knots coming up with other legal mechanisms? Sure. But why? It's also a making a commitment to the relationship before babies come along. Women are almost always the ones left 'holding the baby' when relationships break down. They should always carefully consider the man they choose as the father of the baby.

This woman doesn't want a baby. She's with a man who hasn't committed to her as a person. Who wants her to take on huge personal risk so he can have a baby he can't afford! This one is a very clear and hard no.

Not remotely outdated? What world are you living in? The fact marriage needs to be considered to protect a woman, is that not an outdated in itself? In this specific example it sounds like the OP will be negatively affected should they split after marriage.

Mumsnet is crazy against men, he has opened up a discussion, this is what you do in a grown up relationship. All the details can be further discussed from this. He is entitled to change his mind as he gets older as many woman do as well.

I think from this point your goals are now very different. I think he wants to break up anyway and this is a subconscious way of making the breakup your fault/responsibility.
It's immaterial whether he didn't want a baby before, now he does, despite you very much not wanting one.

I suspect even if you did have a child with him he would end it soon after. It's almost as if the relationship has run its course and this is the last gasp, for him.

I was in this situation. I had the baby and 4 years later ex had an affair and left me.

I also know of reverse situations like this where a wife very much wanted a second with new partner, who was an excellent step dad to the first child, and step father said they didn't need more children one was enough, couldn't manage more etc. And twenty years later the wife is full of regret....she had subsumed what was incredibly important to her (more children) into a very short term goal...her relationship enduring with that person
Too much sacrifice can make a stone of the heart

I was in your position once.

My dh decided he wanted a child. I already had dc from my first marriage who were teens. I'd been left in a terrible position financially when my first marriage ended. Homeless and nothing but our clothes when we had to flee. I was not willing to put myself in a vulnerable position again. I'd done well in my career, I was financially secure and I didn't want to have to give any of that up.

I told dh that if he wanted a child then he would be the SAHP.

He agreed. It worked well for us. I went back to work when baby was six months and he was a brilliant SAHP. He really cherished those years.

I supported him financially until baby was in nursery then he went back to work. It still affected our income due to nursery fees. But he was happy. My dc loved having a little sibling. It worked for us.

All the PPs asking about whether he has offered to marry you seem to have overlooked that you are the partner in the strong financial position so the last thing you want to do is marry him and then risk losing your (and you DCs) financial security in a later divorce.

I think that you are right to decide that a child is not for you - you know far better than DP that they are hard work and in the early months it will be you do the lions share of the childcare. In your financial position it will also probably mean you have to go back to work very quickly as you can't afford to live on his earnings.

Sadly I think you have to call it a day but as it is not personal you might well be able to finesse the split so that you remain good friends - you clearly like each other so friendship ought to be possible - and keep him in your DC's life as a family friend.

If he really wants parenthood, why hasn't he been working harder to be able to support a family?

My ex left me at a similar age because he believed a dream that showed him as father of children who looked like him; the two stepsons he loved didn’t, of course. Other than that, we had a happy marriage.

He’s now in his 60s, never had another LTR, and those children he dreamed about never happened. His loss.

I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I either decide to have a baby, which as others have pointed out, I’d likely end up with the physical, emotional, mental and financial burden of that including the upset of my DS who doesn’t want a sibling. Or I let DP go and I lose the family set-up that I currently have and a partner who I love. Selfishly, I don’t want either, I want things to continue as they are.

I respect DPs decision that he wants a child of his own, I wouldn’t try to convince him to change his mind, but from reading the replies here it feels like the best thing to do would be to end the relationship so that he can go on to have that (assuming he meets someone!).