DP wants baby

[Teaandtwobiscuits]

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. I have a DS from a previous relationship. When we got together I told DP that I didn’t see myself having any more children, he was fine with this and said that he wasn’t sure if he wanted any DC himself.

Anyway, DP told me at the weekend that he wants a baby and that he understands if I don’t want one, but it will mean that we will have to separate. I completely respect DPs position on this, he would be a great dad and I don’t want him to miss out on having that experience, but I just don’t have a desire to have any more children.

I’m now in a really difficult situation; I either have a baby, to keep him or he leaves and not only do I lose my DP but my DS loses his step dad who he loves. We have a lovely life together, we’re all happy and I’d be heartbroken if we separate, but I fear that I’d resent him if I have a baby to make him stay (also aware that if he stays now, it doesn’t mean that he’d never leave in the future).

My DS is 6 and absolutely does not want a sibling either, he cries anytime anyone mentions it (eg family members often ask “would you like a little brother or sister”).

FWIW I am financially independent so if we do separate I won’t have to move house etc.

Has anyone been in this situation, if so what did you do and how did it turn out?

So no-one in a minimum wage job should have children? Come on, that's just silly.

Of course OP shouldn't plan to have a baby she doesn't want but man's allowed to change his mind. It's a sad situation but he has been upfront with her.

He’s a Middle Aged man earning minimum wage who hasn’t tried to commit to you previously and the first conversation about this is give me a baby or I’m leaving?? I’m suspicious personally.

regardless of his motives, I think you’ll have the physical burden or pregnancy and birth, breastfeeding if you do, And statistically childcare and housework. Youll also be paying for everything. And imagine if he left anyway. If you’re really sure you wouldn’t prefer a second then I think I’d have to just break up. I wouldn’t tell him no though and then let him keep you in limbo whilst he decides if he’s gonna leave you or not.

He's not 'wrong' to want a baby. You aren't 'wrong' to not want one.

He hasn't done anything wrong, nor have you.

But you know what you want, and it wouldn't be right for you / your child. You'd be making a massive sacrifice for your OH, and would likely end up resenting him for it.

Especially as he's shown no other signs of commitment, and if he decides to up and leave, would you be left with the baby that you wouldn't have chosen to have?

OP already has a child to support. Her partner is middle aged and wants her to provide him with a new baby as well as home and childcare while working minimum wage. Who can support 4 people on minimum wage? No, this dusty should not be having children he can't provide for.

If they broke up, she would be paying child support which would impact her first child's life significantly. Less money for living expenses, education, everything. Their lifestyle would go down.

Your friends are a disgrace. And talking about you “giving” your child a sibling (that he doesn’t even want) is horrendous. Babies aren’t gifts to be given to please others.
Either your boyfriend wants to tie you down as a baby provider cum meal ticket, or he wants out of the relationship and this is a way to make you end it.

OP already has a child to support. Her partner is middle aged and wants her to provide him with a new baby as well as home and childcare while working minimum wage. Who can support 4 people on minimum wage? No, this dusty should not be having children he can't provide for.

I agree with this. I think the op should focus on her existing child - his needs come first.

Wow the disgust at minim wage earners on this thread is disgusting.

He changed his mind.

Agree you can't have a baby you don't want, there's also no guarantee he would enjoy being a SAHD. Everyone likes to think they'll be an amazing hands on parent but personally I think you never really know until you are one. I assume he's good with your DS but it's different when it's your own and you've got all the responsibility.

If he's on minimum wage and can't afford to financially support a family how's he going to achieve that if he breaks up with you to find a baby making opportunity with someone else?

He'd be relying on the potential future mother of his child to also financially support him and said theoretical child.

What would he ask on his first date?

"How much do you earn and do you have regular periods?"

No chance I'd be having the baby I don't want with someone who can't afford it and who isn't willing to marry me. Unless I did want the baby as it's my body carrying the pregnancy. Let him go

The absolute cheek of this man.
Yes, he's allowed to change his mind but please. He's hardly an attractive prospect for a woman to take on to have kids with?
It's not a case of 'disgust' at minimum wage jobs here, but facts. What standard of living could he offer a family? Not a lot leaving massive pressure on the mother who let's face it will also carry the majority of the mental, practical and emotional load. It's hard enough on the UK average wage to make ends meet, let alone minimum.

I would put this back entirely on him and say if he has changed his mind, it's on him to end the relationship and leave asap. Don't have him hanging round, leaving you on the back foot pandering after him as he likely wants. Sod that. You have a lot to offer OP and if its not for him, he needs to leave.

As PP suggested, I imagine there will be backtracking from him.
You're a catch OP and he really really isn't.

Also, OP would be daft to get married in these circumstances, she would stand to lose financially. But the lack of thought around that commitment would still sting. Why hasn't he spent the past 4 years trying to better himself work wise and then propose?
A break up will be tough but after this can't see how you could stay together.

I also feel that a lot of men like the idea of babies/kids much more than the reality.

5 years sorry!

People saying “he’s lied to you” are being incredibly short sighted. People are allowed to change their minds! He’s being upfront and honest now and saying he wants a child but if you don’t want one, he won’t force you - but also isn’t willing to give up the possibility of having a biological child himself. It’s a huge life changing decision and I think it’s unfair to say he should pretend he doesn’t want a child just to keep OP happy.

If they’d discussed having children 5 years ago and agreed they both wanted one, then OP changed her mind and decided she no longer wanted one. Would we all think it’s acceptable to force her to have a child just because 5 years ago she thought she’d want one? Humans change their minds. It’s a very sad situation for everyone but nobody is at fault.

To be honest I would get the feeling that he wants a break up so he can move on…why would he change his mind so suddenly and not propose etc also or like others say improve his earnings, could it be possible he has had his head turned and he’s pulling the I want a child scenario so you will split with him? Sorry you are going through this.

It's not disgust, it's facing reality.

A person earning minimum wage can't support a family of four on their own. That's just how it is. Life isn't getting any cheaper. OP would be supporting this 40 year old man and 2 kids when she has told him from Day 1 she doesn't want another child and her child doesn't want a sibling.

I think he's going to have a hard time finding a woman who wants to support him at 40 and have a child that she will also have to support for the next 20 years.

It’s completely understandable that over time one part of a couple may change their mind over something major like suddenly wanting a child. However, the issue here is that it seems to be the wrong way around. You say he’s never even ever shown a personal commitment to you either via marriage or buying a home together. Yet he wants a child immediately or he’ll leave? To me this shows he loves the thought of having a child more than loving yiu and wanting you in his life forever. In which case, if you stay in this relationship it would be with the knowledge that your immediate family unit wasn’t enough for him. So why would you want to stay with someone like that? It’s best he goes his own way and meets a more compatible person to have his child with. Also, if he truly loved you, he may have had more credibility in my eyes if he had at least followed his want up with plans of how he will also try to increase his salary via second job or night school etc and ensure you were protected from an unfair burden. But giving you such a cold ultimatum like that would personally put me off having a child with him even if I wanted one also! He’s showing a complete lack of emotional intelligence towards you and if you don’t want to change your existing family unit then you shouldn’t for this person.

It's not disgust. It's practicality. He's in no position to support himself let alone a baby for the next 20 years, a partner on maternity leave and a stepchild. What if any of them including him becomes disabled or has special needs?

I think people are being harsh on op partner

i bet there are women on this thread who have /had min wage jobs, had baby and expect to rely on their partner to pay !

he is not out of order for wanting a baby. Nor has he been dishonest. It’s op who has perhaps misled him to thinking she might change her mind!

of course if op does not want a baby thats her prerogative but she should be honest and let him go!

Sadly, this is the end of the road for your relationship 😔 You don't want another child (something you have been honest about from the start) and he's now, after 5 years changed his mind (after seemingly being indifferent to having his own children). The cynic in me wonders if he wanted children all along, wanted to be with you, and wondered if he left the subject long enough, you'd change your mind. I find it odd that a grown adult, who's in their 30's wouldn't know if they wanted children or not! If he has misled you, then his plan has massively backfired on him. Don't have a child to please your partner, especially if you're the one earning more.

No way..he’s earning minimum wage!
and you entering into an age range that more risk is involved

he's asking too much

you need better friends

If I'm not good enough to marry, then he's certainly not good enough to father my child.

I can't believe your friends are advising it to go have a baby!! Please, please don't listen to them.

Like other posters have said, I suspect your partner has an ulterior motive for suddenly putting pressure on you to have a baby.

Something's happened that's made him realise that if you leave, he goes from a comfortable life to being in a house share.

I can't believe your friends are telling you to have the baby! Crazy. Don't do it OP.