DP wants baby

[Teaandtwobiscuits]

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. I have a DS from a previous relationship. When we got together I told DP that I didn’t see myself having any more children, he was fine with this and said that he wasn’t sure if he wanted any DC himself.

Anyway, DP told me at the weekend that he wants a baby and that he understands if I don’t want one, but it will mean that we will have to separate. I completely respect DPs position on this, he would be a great dad and I don’t want him to miss out on having that experience, but I just don’t have a desire to have any more children.

I’m now in a really difficult situation; I either have a baby, to keep him or he leaves and not only do I lose my DP but my DS loses his step dad who he loves. We have a lovely life together, we’re all happy and I’d be heartbroken if we separate, but I fear that I’d resent him if I have a baby to make him stay (also aware that if he stays now, it doesn’t mean that he’d never leave in the future).

My DS is 6 and absolutely does not want a sibling either, he cries anytime anyone mentions it (eg family members often ask “would you like a little brother or sister”).

FWIW I am financially independent so if we do separate I won’t have to move house etc.

Has anyone been in this situation, if so what did you do and how did it turn out?

Honestly I'm insulted on your behalf. It's just so so rank when men want to use you for babies without any commitment on their part.

If a guy suggested babies with me before discussing marriage he'd be out on his arse before he could blink. 5 years in too, I'd be raging. And dumbfounded that I hadn't noticed how little respect he had for me up till then.

As for your pals...it's sad that women still tell women to have kids they don't want to keep a man in 2025. Are they perhaps resentful parents? Or just horribly codependent? Either way, their advise isn't healthy.

Are your friends financially supporting their children and a bf?

You know you don't want more children.

Adding, your child has said he doesn't want a sibling.

He's decided he does but as he can't support one, expects you or future mother to.

You know you would increase your own financial burden.

If you split up after having a kid with him, you could end up having to pay child support

There was a thread over in AIBU a couple weeks ago from a woman who had been supporting her underworking husband for years and the resentment had finally just overwhelmed her.

Well said, @Sodthesystem

Especially if the man in question was incapable of supporting a four-person household. If he wanted children he should have hustled more in life before age 39.

OP is financially independent and the higher earner. It probably isn't in her financial interests to get married.

OP don't have a baby you don't want. Don't marry him either.

Have you said to him so you don't want marriage or to save up and buy a house together but you want me to pop out a baby for you?

I agree. It would have been nice to be asked though.

I really think it's quite rich of him to want a baby so badly, when he doesn't have to do any of the work involved in having said baby (pregnancy, labour and recovery from, breastfeeding, likely taking on the entire mental load). And without marriage or enough money to support you through mat leave? No thanks.

I'd be concerned he's trying to find an easy way out of the relationship since he knows you don't want a baby, so it makes you the bad guy when he leaves.

Cut him loose, sounds like you'd have a lovely life without him.

in the 5 years that we’ve been together there’s been no sign of him making a commitment such as proposing, wanting to buy a house together, yet he wants to have a baby together.

Call his bluff.
The baby thing wpuld be his best way to somehow ‘attach’ you to him wo him making any effort.
If he hasn’t been able to make a move yet on any commitments, don’t expect him to suddenly be responsible and take on 50% of the childcare either.
He might find it somehow attractive if the thing he is supposed to do looking at friends around him.
But he isn’t giving you anything that show he actually wants to - aka commitment.
In that context, The way he is putting that a baby or a divorce makes me think it’s not a nice thing to do and fair enough to let you know. But rather a way to guilt trip you in saying yes.

Yes there should have been a discussion about marriage before any requests for babies.

What he's doing is asking you to make yourself vulnerable with absolutely no commitment from him. Both in terms of marriage, home ownership and financial security.

He wants a surrogate and nanny and doesn't want to pay for it.

Decent men just don't do this.

And I'm fully understanding of him changing his mind and wanting to separate if his partner doesn't want kids. But the way he's gone about it is bullshit and displays what a inadequate individual he is.

You're not a rent-a-womb.
Take this as the eye opener it is to end this relationship.

Absolutely don't have a baby with him. Literally 100% of the risk falls on you - physical, financial and long term. Whatever he says now, men can walk away from children very easily. He's got a very high opinion of his eligibility if he thinks he can persuade another woman to have a child with him on his minimum wage job!

Bollocks to that, you don't want a baby, so don't have a baby.

He's trying to make it your choice, but it's not, not really. You made your choice years ago, and that was not to have any more kids.

So make it clear to him that this is his choice. "I made it very clear when we first got together that I wasn't having any more kids. You can have more kids if you want, but you'll be choosing to end the relationship if you do. You need to make a decision, and you need to make it now because I'm not hanging around to find out if I'm what you really want."

I know some women will go to great lengths to please or hang onto a man, but even contemplating producing a new human being to do so is ... unthinkable. Immoral, in my book.

So what do we think the odds are he backpedals if op ends it? Think 70% or there abouts? Or is that too high? 60/40 maybe?

I recon the first figure if alongside 'well I never said that (that a no would mean we would have to split)' we also include: initial pretence that he was going to leave op followed up by 'actually, i've been thinking and, I don't want kids afterall' several days later (when he realises op isn't chasing him).

You don't sound compatible. Neither of you have done anything wrong, but (admittedly having never been in this position) I struggle to see how you both could continue in the relatioship.

Sounds like a no-brainer. You don't want a baby, your child doesn't want a sibling, your boyfriend can't afford a baby. You are financially comfortable and have a child already, there is really nothing in it for you.

Do not have a baby you don't want!

Ignoring everything else about having an unwanted child, in medical terms you're a geriatric mother and have increased risks for both you and the baby.

Your DP is picturing the perfect scenario where you sail through pregnancy, without so much as a twinge before popping out a 100% healthy child.

What if your pregnancy has complications which leads you to a hospital stay, your mat leave starting early and him having to work and look after your existing DC and visit you in hospital? Could he do that? Would he?

What if your new baby is sick or has a disability that requires 24hr care meaning either you or he can never work again. Could you cope financially, emotionally & physically with that?

What age is he hoping to retire, because even with a totally healthy child you're potentially going to be supporting them financially through to uni age, when you'd both be early 60s. Can you afford to do that AND save for your retirement?

So many unanswered questions, but the simple answer is to set him free, let him go and (possibly) find a woman who wants a baby with him. Don't put your body through a pregnancy and birth you don't want.

Your son will be disadvantaged if you had a baby with a man that is on minimum wage and appears to have no assets - as a lot of your resources will be diverted away from your son to his child. I would NEVER even consider giving him a child.

My concern would be the finances. More pressure on you, also the fact that if you did break up due to the issues, I'd bet my bottom dollar you'd end up being the primary carer.

Tbh it's a massive difference in wants, as hard as it would be I'd walk away from the relationship.

And that's before even considering your (advanced) age and risk of birth complications as well as the large age gap. Your son will resent the baby.

Perhaps he should get a job as a childminder, nursery nurse or kindergarten teacher.

I think it’s good that he’s spoken up and knows what he wants.

I'm sorry OP but if he says he will dump you if you don't have a baby with him then he does not truly love you.

Sad though it is then, perhaps you are going to have to let him go. He hasn't displayed any desire to have a legal or financial commitment to you, and he seems rather too keen on being able to give up work altogether and be a SAHD whilst you foot the bill for his lifestyle and his baby. It's a no from me.

I should add that during my last pregnancy, I ended up having to quit work due to having severe health issues with the pregnancy and not being able to go back to work for nearly a year. And I'm in the US where many women go back 2 to 6 weeks after birth. If my husband hadn't been working a job that could support us, we would have been SOL.

Having a later in life baby did affect what we were able to put into retirement funds. It's not really something to be undertaken lightly.

Or he could just, you know, want to become a father, like millions of men around the world want to?

It's incredible how many posters in this thread jump straight to 'he's trying to trap you' in a way they never would if a woman decided she wanted children in a 5 year old relationship. I get the MN relationship board is going to have a disproportionate number of posters who have been hurt by men and as such see the worst in every action, but even so the projection going on here is incredible