DP wants baby

[Teaandtwobiscuits]

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. I have a DS from a previous relationship. When we got together I told DP that I didn’t see myself having any more children, he was fine with this and said that he wasn’t sure if he wanted any DC himself.

Anyway, DP told me at the weekend that he wants a baby and that he understands if I don’t want one, but it will mean that we will have to separate. I completely respect DPs position on this, he would be a great dad and I don’t want him to miss out on having that experience, but I just don’t have a desire to have any more children.

I’m now in a really difficult situation; I either have a baby, to keep him or he leaves and not only do I lose my DP but my DS loses his step dad who he loves. We have a lovely life together, we’re all happy and I’d be heartbroken if we separate, but I fear that I’d resent him if I have a baby to make him stay (also aware that if he stays now, it doesn’t mean that he’d never leave in the future).

My DS is 6 and absolutely does not want a sibling either, he cries anytime anyone mentions it (eg family members often ask “would you like a little brother or sister”).

FWIW I am financially independent so if we do separate I won’t have to move house etc.

Has anyone been in this situation, if so what did you do and how did it turn out?

I think he’s quite naive to how much it costs to run a house and pay for childcare, he’s never experienced either. He’s always just plodded along in his job without trying to progress.

Sounds like he wants a child like a 9yr old wants a puppy.
It's very easy for a man to say he wants a child, there is no risk for him and even potentially no consequences at all bar financial contributions and even then they can get out of it.
You aren't an incubator op, and no one with any sense would volunteer to be one for a man of his age and means.

I don't imagine he will go far...

I agree with this.
He has no idea what he's talking about, he might think he'd be happy to be a stay at home parent but he'll soon change his tune when he realizes the reality.
You have nothing whatsoever to feel guilty about op, you've been completely honest and upfront with him. Do not allow him to make you feel guilty about this.

I agree, he won't be giving up his cosy life with you, BUT he will try to use this against you if you let him, he will try to make you feel guilty and use that to control you and work things to his advantage.

Your friends comments are gormless.
You shouldn't marry any man, you'd be risking your housing and financial security.
The boyfriend will have a shock when he has to house himself 😄 enjoy life free of the parasitic bloke.

Why don't you say that to him then. You could also have him take over that stuff to let him see how hard it is. And he could set aside how much child care would be too. I'd ask him to volunteer with something kid related. Or arrange to have him look after a friend's kids to see how hard it can be. I'd also have him do all the cooking, cleaning up after and arranging of appointments for the current child. And I'd ask him to ask for a raise or look for a better paying job.

I'd phrase it as wanting to see he can step up. Because if he can't do these things hes not ready to be a dad with anyone. Sure, mother's will share the load irl, but, shit happens, and he needs to show he can do it all just as you did. And arguably, still do.

Chances are after a couple of months of that, he will say he's not up for it. Or, still not be in a financial position to do it. If he is, you let him go, with respect. If not, then no more baby talk and the relationship can continue.

Wait, have I got this right? You are the one that's paying for everything op and this man is threatening to leave you?
He's issuing an ultimatum when he has no leverage whatsoever 🤣🤣🤣
What a fucking tool he is 🤣🤣🤣
You need to just shrug and say alright then mate off you go 🤣🤣🤣

I'm assuming op means he's contributing but doesn't actually do any of the paperwork or pay child costs so is a bit unaware of how things all add up. That he pays her but op manages the money.

But yes op if it's a case of he doesn't financially contribute then obviously give him the heave ho. Bigtime.

@Teaandtwobiscuits
Your friends sound like half-wit throwbacks who think that women should automatically defer to the wishes of men.

Of course he is entitled to change his mind. But he has absolutely no way of financing a child.

Honestly OP I give it 6 months maximum before he is back on your doorstep realising that you and son are the best family he is likely to have.

You can just say, If you want a baby, I understand I do, but it's not going to be with me.

Then he can decide if he walks out of your lives or accepts your decision and you have a fun future together with the son you have.

What don't understand is, how anyone can be with someone for 5 years, watch their little boy grow each day, learn, change, flourish... and not grow to love them like a son.

If it were me, I'd not need 'one of my own', because I already had one of my own in my heart.

That's what having children is, love. And if he cares more about a currently non existent baby than he does the woman he loves and the boy he watched grow all these years... then either he's cold ad ice and should never have kids of his own, or thats a love needs powerful quenching and he needs to go free to try to do so.

It sounds like he actually can’t support himself independently let alone a family.

I think you have to consider the worst case scenario… which bluntly is you get pregnant and at some point he changes his mind / you break up.

you are left raising 2 children while he cocklodges with some other gullible woman and comes to play Disney dad for a few hours once a fortnight.
he pays you whatever paltry sum the CMS says your entitled to (£53.65 or whatever joke sum it is) monthly and complains you are bleeding him dry whilst you are left paying £2pm for childcare and are up shit creek and up to your elbows in dirty nappies….

You’ll also be working to 65 if not 70 to help support uni fees for baby no 2

it would be a hard no from me….

This is very difficult for you, and for him.
I'm surprised if he's so keen to be a Dad he's prepared to walk from a child he has raised with you from nearly birth - how does he view his relationship with your son? How is he as a 'Dad'?

It sounds like he hasn't comprehended the reality of becoming a biological Dad. I'd sit him down and blow by blow paint a picture for him of what it would mean so that he can reflect on the reality, not the dream. I.e; the reality of meeting someone within the next what, 5 years? The housing he'd require, the budget he'd need etc etc. the reality of loosing you and your son.

TBH though, sounds like he might find a woman whose biological clock is tick would house him, fund him and probably next expect marriage!

I would say, don't take too much notice of your 6 year old not wanting a sibling. If you were to have a baby with him I'd be demanding tangible commitment first- whatever that looks like for you (marriage etc).

Then he can decide if he walks out of your lives or accepts your decision

I really wouldnt have me and my ds waiting in limbo to see if some man can resign himself to settling with us. I can’t believe he opened this sensitive chat up with an ultimatum.

I think his cluelessness is really unattractive and if you do actually want him to stick around (do you? You’ve mainly talked about how good it is to have a family set up not that it’s actually good with him specifically) I’d maybe sit down and chat through your finances, ask how you’ll be affording nursery, clothes, car seats (does he even know how much things cost?) adding an extra person to holidays, where the room is in your house for another person, and if it’s him who will be getting up multiple times a night? Ask him what happens if you break up, would he be an eow dad? What is CM for a minimum wage dad? (Basically nothing) how does he plan for you to pay for the child on that? What if you try and can’t get pregnant would he still leave you then? How desperate is he for a child, can he afford ivf?
Talk through all your thoughts and concerns and I’m sure the answers will help you both

If you loved him you would give him one.

Babies are not rewards or badges of love for one half of a relationship.

No one should be creating a person just to keep some parasite boyfriend around.

Don't be daft, you could equally argue that if he loved her he wouldn't ask her to Sacrifice her health and her well-being to have a baby that she doesn't want.
You must be one of the op's moronic hand-maiden friends who believes that women should automatically capitulate to the wishes of men 🙄

He's never worked hard at anything has he?
He just expects to plod along.
A child is a massive commitment and if you do the CM calculations on his low salary, that is what you would be left with when he decides he has changed his mind and fatherhood doesn't suit him FT.

I have read some unbelievable posts on MN over the years of women with teenagers and older, having a baby for some new partner and being left within two years, to raise a baby alone.

What were they thinking🙄.
The buck stops with women, every time.
Your son is happy as an only child.
This man child sounds like he hasn't a breeze about the financial/time commitment of a baby.

YOU would be paying for childcare, NOT him.
He sounds so dim OP.
Let him off.

Don’t be bloody ridiculous. No one should bring a human being into the world just to keep a bloke sweet.

Even your wording of ‘give him one’ means it all about him

In theory men are able to father a child when they are quite old, they often seem to forget that they also need to find a woman who is willing to have a child with them!

In this case we have a 39 year old man who doesn't earn enough money to support himself, he will need to find a woman who's willing to Sacrifice her earning potential to have a child with a man who earnsbarely any money, whose going to be willing to do that?
A younger woman isn't going to want to have a baby with a man who earns barely anything and is much older than her- why would you waste your young fertile eggs on an older man with the increased risks of birth defects etc let alone an older man who doesn't even earn enough money to support a child.
This bloke is just a Walter Mitty, or maybe he's just bluffing, he must surely know what side his bread is buttered on?

Not selfish, sensible. Your DS depends on that.

I bet when you say it remains and will remain a ‘no’ to ttc your DP will backtrack and stay. i bet he thought you’d agree to ttc and continue to earn as you now do, subsidise him etc.

His current alternative is losing you and a much worse housing situation and lifestyle. A risk is that he stays but keeps an eye out for another woman he might be able to convince to date then ttc with him, then leaves later, which would be worse for you and your DS.

He's told you he'll leave you if you don't give him what he wants. Surely that is enough to know you shouldn't be having a child with this man. He doesn't love you enough to choose you over everything.