DP wants baby

[Teaandtwobiscuits]

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. I have a DS from a previous relationship. When we got together I told DP that I didn’t see myself having any more children, he was fine with this and said that he wasn’t sure if he wanted any DC himself.

Anyway, DP told me at the weekend that he wants a baby and that he understands if I don’t want one, but it will mean that we will have to separate. I completely respect DPs position on this, he would be a great dad and I don’t want him to miss out on having that experience, but I just don’t have a desire to have any more children.

I’m now in a really difficult situation; I either have a baby, to keep him or he leaves and not only do I lose my DP but my DS loses his step dad who he loves. We have a lovely life together, we’re all happy and I’d be heartbroken if we separate, but I fear that I’d resent him if I have a baby to make him stay (also aware that if he stays now, it doesn’t mean that he’d never leave in the future).

My DS is 6 and absolutely does not want a sibling either, he cries anytime anyone mentions it (eg family members often ask “would you like a little brother or sister”).

FWIW I am financially independent so if we do separate I won’t have to move house etc.

Has anyone been in this situation, if so what did you do and how did it turn out?

Only in Mumsnet is this guy perceived to be out of order, he is opening up the conversation as he knows his partners position on this. If she agreed it then I’m sure those type of conversations would come next.

To answer some of the other posts, in the 5 years that we’ve been together there’s been no sign of him making a commitment such as proposing, wanting to buy a house together, yet he wants to have a baby together.

That tells you everything you need to know. Time to end the relationship.

I think you need to end the relationship OP. Even if he now changes his mind you'll always be on edge and I imagine he may well throw this back at you whenever he is upset. It's lose lose unfortunately.

I think some men don’t think they want to be a parent until they are one. He’s probably enjoying being with your son and changed his feelings.

However I agree if he changed his mind in a few years you’d be left with a massive financial burden and him giving little support.

Nope. Not with a man on minimum wage. And I bet you do almost everything for your son and that's what he thinks would continue with another baby... He just wants a baby. He doesn't want you or he would have proposed. Nope, nope and nope.

But it sounds like he was upfront at the beginning:

I told DP that I didn’t see myself having any more children, he was fine with this and said that he wasn’t sure if he wanted any DC himself.

At the beginning he was undecided. And you took the gamble that he wouldn't want a baby.

It's a hard but ultimately, if you don't want another baby it isn't fair to bring a half-unwanted baby knowingly into the world, IMO.

And if you stay in the relationship, either you will resent him for if you have another baby, or he'll resent you for not having a baby with him. It's a lose-lose situation.

he was fine with this and said that he wasn’t sure if he wanted any DC himself.

he hasn’t lied, he said he wasn’t sure, that isn’t a definite no he doesn’t want children

Time to end the relationship imho OP.
You can't be expected to have another baby unless you really want one .
Just let him find another partner who will let him continue to be a Cocklodger and pay for him to be a stay at home Dad .

Came here to say this! This guy has done nothing but behave honorably and is being slated as some kind of cock-lodging baby trapper. He is entitled to want to have a child of his own and has been honest and upfront with OP about how important this is to him and that it may signal the end of their relationship.
I don’t think he’s led her on in anyway or her him, but a big milestone birthday approaching and others around you having children often focuses the mind. The same happened to me around 30 and does for many other people. No one vilified me for that.
Given his relationship with OP’s son as well he sounds like he’d make an excellent parent. It will also be very difficult for him to lose not just OP but OP’s son from his life, and can’t be an easy decision he’s battling with himself.

I'm going to say don't do it. I speak from bitter experience and I'm now a lone parent to a child with several disabilities. Initially a similar situation to you except we'd been married for 11 years.

To add, I'm not suggesting he is wrong to want a baby, of course he's not, but in your situation I wouldn't do it.

You cannot have a baby that you do not want, just to keep a man. I'm sorry but it really is that simple.

Thank you for the comments.

I don’t think there’s any hidden agenda with him trying to trap me, tie me down or being a cocklodger, I think he’s just reached a point in his life where he’s now certain that he wants a biological child.

Unfortunately I think that he’s being quite naive and not thinking about finances and how he’ll support a family, he’s never run a house or paid childcare so he’s a bit oblivious (current set up is that he pays a fixed amount each month to contribute to bills/food etc). Also as much as he thinks he can share the load, ultimately the physical, emotional and mental load will mostly be on me.

When we had the conversation at the weekend I told him that I don’t want a baby, it’s going to be hard seeing him leave, but reading these posts has reassured me that I’d be an idiot to consider changing my decision just to keep him.

Just curious as to what his minimum wage job is. Does he have potential to earn more?
And don't have a baby if you don't want one!

The man haters are really enjoying themselves tonight.

Absolutely not.
Your priority is your existing child.
Time for him to move on from you.
Your priority is your 6 year old.

Unfortunately there is a minority of posters on this board who have a genuine, visceral hatred for men. This is a problem, because it leads OPs like this one to feel like victims of 'bad' behaviour when it's just a case of somebody changing their mind about children, like everybody's entitled to do.

Thanks to those irrational posts that are probably motivated by posters' bitterness of prior experiences with men, this OP is now going to think her partner is somehow deliberately trying to tie her down and take advantage of her. That doesn't appear to be the case. In what way is is helpful to encourage someone in a bad situation to think the worst of it?

Don't do this, love. Your priority is you and your child. A guy once said to me I couldn't give him a child ( I was late 40s). I had lovely children he could have taken on and who would have gladly let him. He had many issues including MH, ED and poor employment prospects. I saw the light in time

I think you’re friends are wrong! I’d not ttc with him.

His wishes are unrealistic given his income.

Bollocks to that, sounds like you'll end up with two more children. If he's really immature enough to give you that ultimatum then you're better off without him.

I think you've made the right decision op. He won't be happy without trying for a baby and you don't want another child.

I hope the separation is as clean as possible. Good luck.

Personally I would have a baby with a partner if I loved him and wanted to make it work.

Di you think she should have a baby she doesnt want with a man who cannot afford to support a baby? And if so, why?

Even if you couldn't afford it? And even if you didn't want another child? And even if it would disadvantage your son? Just because you loved your new boyfriend?

Honerable men don't ask you for babies before discussing marriage.

That's a scum move.