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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I expecting too much from my partner?

234 replies

Emmacam · 11/03/2025 11:04

We’ve been together 3 years (both 26) and have lived together for pretty much all of that time apart from maybe 5 months at the beginning.

I love him very much. He is my best friend and he makes my world go round. We share very loving life together. He is attentive, and shows me so much love and affection and I know he adores me. He is a gentle soul and there is no bad bone or malice in his body. That’s never in doubt.

I just go through waves of worry that we might not be compatible in terms of spending the rest of our lives together but I’m not sure if I’m just anxious recently. Not sure what I’m gaining out of this post - maybe to see if other ladies think this is normal or whether I’m justified in my worry / or whether I’m crazy in being worried or crazy for living my life like this. Please see points below.

So this is my overall contribution in our day-to-day lives of our relationship:

I always cook dinner - I love cooking I find it de-stresses me. I don’t mean ovenables I always like to cook fresh. I sometimes batch cook a couple days in advance on a Sunday so it means I’m not rushing around on Monday and Tuesdays.

We both work 9-5 jobs. I do love mothering and being ‘domesticated’ (even tho I’m not a mum yet) and so I always make my partners sandwiches before he goes to work, make him breakfast and fill up his coffee flask.

NB sometimes he’s still fast asleep have to wake him up and he might not get up until 10 mins before we are both supposed to leave. I mentioned today if he wouldn’t mind waking up a little bit earlier to help with feeding the cat, and maybe helping make his own breakfast because sometimes it feels like a rush. Maybe I’ve set the precedent here so now he expects it but his response was that ‘I’m always complaining’ and that ‘he could about stuff I do to’ … idk I just thought it was rather an immature response to a reasonable request.

I always do the washing - washing clothes, towels, bed sheets… these things literally don’t cross his mind so of course I do!

when it’s his birthday I always get super thoughtful presents and plan nice stuff with his friends. I go above and beyond. I also tell him I love him and appreciate everything he does etc.

I book our holidays because it’s never crossed his mind and we’d never get a break. Obviously I ask what he’s like and I’ll book it but it dawns on me that if it wasn’t for me we wouldn’t go anywhere! We have a joint bank account so it’s not financial reluctance - it’s just he’s never taken initiative. Maybe this is normal!

I even contact his friends and mother on his behalf. He is so bad and always has been on his phone. It does make me anxious because if I don’t reply to his mum then I feel like I’m in the wrong or responsible - people mainly go through me to get to him and at first I didn’t mind but sometimes it makes me anxious. I’ve encouraged him to be more proactive on his phone but he said he thought ‘I liked’ doing it….. but it’s not the case I just don’t want people thinking he’s dead if I don’t reply!

anyway so I do all of the above which for the most part I’m very happy to do and even though he’s thoughtful in terms of telling me he loves me, cuddles etc he does not show these appreciation in terms of gestures.

So, his lack of contribution:

for all of our christmasses I’ve had to drop hints at the fact he needs to remember to get me a Christmas present. He told me when we first got together he was ‘bad’ at that kind of stuff but now 3 years later surely he knows what I like. Anyway every Christmas he dashes to John Lewis super last min on Christmas Eve. Last year he bought me a candle…. I don’t even like candles! Well I don’t mind them but it obvs wasn’t a thoughtful gift.

since our first Christmas together I’ve had to buy his mother a card on his behalf so he can write in it. I buy her presents from the both of us because otherwise he wouldn’t do it! Same goes for his dad etc. Don’t get me wrong - I like doing this stuff but it worries me these things don’t occur to him. Same goes for Mother’s Day and their birthdays etc! He is great at writing very well written cards so he does do that but that’s as far as it goes.

for my birthday this year I said I’d like some wellies. Well a month later and they still haven’t arrived! He said the Evri driver didn’t deliver it and he has showed me the emails between them but it’s his lack of willing… I’ve never had a problem with evri and if I have I’ve ensured it’s sorted! if it was me I would just re-order elsewhere because it’s my partners birthday??

He’s never booked a holiday for us - I’m always booking them. Because if it wasn’t for me we just would never get a breaks. He’s never once said ‘let’s go away’…

he never buys me flowers - I mean this one is a non issue.

it goes without saying I mention this stuff to him but nothing ever changes, I know he loves me but it does make me feel a little upset sometimes. I worry that we will actually never get engaged because he lacks the capacity to think things through in advance - I know he WANTS to marry me but I’m worried about his lack of urgency sometimes.

I know he appreciates everything I do because he says it and he says thank you but I suppose I just wish there was more romance and if I’m not getting it now I probably never going to get romance!

I’m sorry to be TMI and crude but he never goes down on my during sex. At first he told me it’s bevause he never did it before but this just seems to prove that he’s a little bit selfish and unromantic. I always do for him!! Like… all the time!

I know I’ve said negative stuff about him but he also does contribute in amazing ways:

  • drives us everywhere - I mean he LOVES driving and doesn’t think I’m a good driver (I’m not!) so he’s very happy to
  • he soothes my anxiety and makes me calm when I’m stressed because I am prone to emotionally instability and that’s something that can’t be replaced
  • he’s so handsome inside and out.
  • he’s very intelligent and I know he will make a great father
  • fixes manly stuff like the cars etc

so maybe I am just behind dramatic and needed a rant….

OP posts:
Bbomb · 11/03/2025 20:03

So you're basically his Mum?

bettydavieseyes · 11/03/2025 20:03

OP you sound like the ideal GF. You are lovely and need more from him. I have a wife (and I'm a woman) and she's like you are, but I'm not like him. I love the fact she makes my flask in the morning and does a lot of the housework. She wants to do it but I do all the cooking and always help with dishes and stuff. I also clean the bathroom sometimes and hoover though she does the majority of housework. Sexually we both satisfy each other equally. I plan holidays and take care of finances. We both give good gifts and plan occasions with family. I like to suprise her with dates and hotel nights.

You can have this in a relationship too, I think you need to have a long chat with him.

insomniaclife · 11/03/2025 20:05

TwistedWonder · 11/03/2025 17:09

We can't be too critical of men who are less than useful around the house or not much good with babies because it's not fair.

Yea we can. Women are not rehabilitation centres for inadequate men. He’s a grown up - about time he acted like one.

And regardless of you being a gay man, you’re still a man and mansplaining to women never goes down well.

Edited

"Because it's not fair" ... why? And who said fairness came into it?

GreenCandleWax · 11/03/2025 20:09

He is not contributing equally to the relationship. You have been a bit crazy to get into this situation by doing things for him because you love him. That's great but it has become completely unbalanced as he is not putting in the effort.
You need a complete reset - sit him down and tell him seriously that it has become too one-sided and things need to change. He needs to do more and not expect you to do everything. You can own up to your part in the imbalance. You have made a rod for your own back, but now you can make changes. Stop doing everything at home - cleaning for example - tell him he has to do his share from now on, also cook sometimes. He can make his own sandwiches, and do many other tasks. Does he do the food shop? Change the bed? Why are you doing all the laundry? Work out a division of tasks and try it for a few weeks with his agreement. He has to do his own emotional stuff with family and friends from now on. You will have to take a massive step back, explain, expect him to step up, and keep to your end of the bargain and stop doing stuff that he should do.
He also needs to focus on you more - as a person, not a workhorse. Raise your bar and keep it high. Its not just about love but respect and effort too. 🍀

BrickSnail · 11/03/2025 20:13

You said you're not a mum yet but you actually are to this giant man child. This isn't going to go well if you are planning on having kids with him because you'll definitely be stuck with the entire mental and physical load

blackbadger · 11/03/2025 20:16

I haven't read all the replies here but I'm going to go against the tide with those that I have read.
I've been with my husband for 13 years and we are incredibly happy. A lot of your husbands traits jumped out at me, as being similar to mine.
My husband has ADHD and some of the traits jumped out to me as being signs of this.
I can't say I was ever resentful or if my husband but things like lack of birthday cards / flowers used to grate me but far less so now.
I could ask my husband to do anything for me and he would at the drop of a hat.
I think there are elements of your frustrations that you could learnt to accept and really think about how much of these things really matter to you.
We have 1 child and another on the way and he couldn't be a better dad and more hands on ...does it matter that he's too disorganised to buy me a birthday card...not in my eyes!

Isthiswhatmenthink · 11/03/2025 20:19

Emmacam · 11/03/2025 13:58

This is another issue too - he’s never really cared about working for money, rather he’s of the belief you should love what you do even if it’s a bin man (he’s not a bin man). And I think to some extent that is a good view to have because I know some people that hate their jobs high paying jobs and lead themselves to depression. But even when I’ve gently tried to bring up career prospects he’s often pulled the ‘you should love me regardless of what job I have’ card but I’ve tried to ask him how he pictures our future ie when we do have kids in 6/7 yrs and I temporarily stop work - will he support the family? What are his prospects? I actually earn £20K more than him, I commute into London on top of doing all these domestic things. I don’t mind earning more of course but I suppose it is ironic when I also do everything else!

Unrelated to your quote butI also want to add that I don’t think he’s ever purchased his own clothes - his mother always did it previously (she still gives him underpants and socks for Christmas and birthdays) - whenever we’ve gone to an even that needs smart clothing I’ve always been the one to take the initiative and buy it because again, he doesn’t think forward! Don’t get me wrong, he’s not sloppy and he has great personal hygiene but he doesn’t care about clothes, doesn’t care about dinner, doesn’t seem to care about anything that people often put thought into…

Show quote history

This gets worse and worse.

OP. You deserve so much more than this spoilt, lazy, selfish, thoughtless, unmotivated little man baby. Fucking hell. You do everything for this clusterfuck of a human being.

Please seek help for your lack of self esteem.

DecafDodger · 11/03/2025 20:21

I could ask my husband to do anything for me and he would at the drop of a hat.

But when OP asked the boyfriend to make his own sandwiches, he said no.

OhYeahOhYeah · 11/03/2025 20:25

Emmacam · 11/03/2025 11:04

We’ve been together 3 years (both 26) and have lived together for pretty much all of that time apart from maybe 5 months at the beginning.

I love him very much. He is my best friend and he makes my world go round. We share very loving life together. He is attentive, and shows me so much love and affection and I know he adores me. He is a gentle soul and there is no bad bone or malice in his body. That’s never in doubt.

I just go through waves of worry that we might not be compatible in terms of spending the rest of our lives together but I’m not sure if I’m just anxious recently. Not sure what I’m gaining out of this post - maybe to see if other ladies think this is normal or whether I’m justified in my worry / or whether I’m crazy in being worried or crazy for living my life like this. Please see points below.

So this is my overall contribution in our day-to-day lives of our relationship:

I always cook dinner - I love cooking I find it de-stresses me. I don’t mean ovenables I always like to cook fresh. I sometimes batch cook a couple days in advance on a Sunday so it means I’m not rushing around on Monday and Tuesdays.

We both work 9-5 jobs. I do love mothering and being ‘domesticated’ (even tho I’m not a mum yet) and so I always make my partners sandwiches before he goes to work, make him breakfast and fill up his coffee flask.

NB sometimes he’s still fast asleep have to wake him up and he might not get up until 10 mins before we are both supposed to leave. I mentioned today if he wouldn’t mind waking up a little bit earlier to help with feeding the cat, and maybe helping make his own breakfast because sometimes it feels like a rush. Maybe I’ve set the precedent here so now he expects it but his response was that ‘I’m always complaining’ and that ‘he could about stuff I do to’ … idk I just thought it was rather an immature response to a reasonable request.

I always do the washing - washing clothes, towels, bed sheets… these things literally don’t cross his mind so of course I do!

when it’s his birthday I always get super thoughtful presents and plan nice stuff with his friends. I go above and beyond. I also tell him I love him and appreciate everything he does etc.

I book our holidays because it’s never crossed his mind and we’d never get a break. Obviously I ask what he’s like and I’ll book it but it dawns on me that if it wasn’t for me we wouldn’t go anywhere! We have a joint bank account so it’s not financial reluctance - it’s just he’s never taken initiative. Maybe this is normal!

I even contact his friends and mother on his behalf. He is so bad and always has been on his phone. It does make me anxious because if I don’t reply to his mum then I feel like I’m in the wrong or responsible - people mainly go through me to get to him and at first I didn’t mind but sometimes it makes me anxious. I’ve encouraged him to be more proactive on his phone but he said he thought ‘I liked’ doing it….. but it’s not the case I just don’t want people thinking he’s dead if I don’t reply!

anyway so I do all of the above which for the most part I’m very happy to do and even though he’s thoughtful in terms of telling me he loves me, cuddles etc he does not show these appreciation in terms of gestures.

So, his lack of contribution:

for all of our christmasses I’ve had to drop hints at the fact he needs to remember to get me a Christmas present. He told me when we first got together he was ‘bad’ at that kind of stuff but now 3 years later surely he knows what I like. Anyway every Christmas he dashes to John Lewis super last min on Christmas Eve. Last year he bought me a candle…. I don’t even like candles! Well I don’t mind them but it obvs wasn’t a thoughtful gift.

since our first Christmas together I’ve had to buy his mother a card on his behalf so he can write in it. I buy her presents from the both of us because otherwise he wouldn’t do it! Same goes for his dad etc. Don’t get me wrong - I like doing this stuff but it worries me these things don’t occur to him. Same goes for Mother’s Day and their birthdays etc! He is great at writing very well written cards so he does do that but that’s as far as it goes.

for my birthday this year I said I’d like some wellies. Well a month later and they still haven’t arrived! He said the Evri driver didn’t deliver it and he has showed me the emails between them but it’s his lack of willing… I’ve never had a problem with evri and if I have I’ve ensured it’s sorted! if it was me I would just re-order elsewhere because it’s my partners birthday??

He’s never booked a holiday for us - I’m always booking them. Because if it wasn’t for me we just would never get a breaks. He’s never once said ‘let’s go away’…

he never buys me flowers - I mean this one is a non issue.

it goes without saying I mention this stuff to him but nothing ever changes, I know he loves me but it does make me feel a little upset sometimes. I worry that we will actually never get engaged because he lacks the capacity to think things through in advance - I know he WANTS to marry me but I’m worried about his lack of urgency sometimes.

I know he appreciates everything I do because he says it and he says thank you but I suppose I just wish there was more romance and if I’m not getting it now I probably never going to get romance!

I’m sorry to be TMI and crude but he never goes down on my during sex. At first he told me it’s bevause he never did it before but this just seems to prove that he’s a little bit selfish and unromantic. I always do for him!! Like… all the time!

I know I’ve said negative stuff about him but he also does contribute in amazing ways:

  • drives us everywhere - I mean he LOVES driving and doesn’t think I’m a good driver (I’m not!) so he’s very happy to
  • he soothes my anxiety and makes me calm when I’m stressed because I am prone to emotionally instability and that’s something that can’t be replaced
  • he’s so handsome inside and out.
  • he’s very intelligent and I know he will make a great father
  • fixes manly stuff like the cars etc

so maybe I am just behind dramatic and needed a rant….

Ah see what will happen is he will become increasingly inept, and incapable of doing anything for himself.

When and if you have kids, this will all mount up to a massive problem for you. You will be his ‘Mum’ too.

You need to take a step back and he needs to become a capable human, who steers his own boat!

Whilst you currently don’t mind or enjoy the dynamic now, you will grow to resent all of it…….a proper grown up conversation is needed

Codlingmoths · 11/03/2025 20:30

blackbadger · 11/03/2025 20:16

I haven't read all the replies here but I'm going to go against the tide with those that I have read.
I've been with my husband for 13 years and we are incredibly happy. A lot of your husbands traits jumped out at me, as being similar to mine.
My husband has ADHD and some of the traits jumped out to me as being signs of this.
I can't say I was ever resentful or if my husband but things like lack of birthday cards / flowers used to grate me but far less so now.
I could ask my husband to do anything for me and he would at the drop of a hat.
I think there are elements of your frustrations that you could learnt to accept and really think about how much of these things really matter to you.
We have 1 child and another on the way and he couldn't be a better dad and more hands on ...does it matter that he's too disorganised to buy me a birthday card...not in my eyes!

Why are you comparing this man to your dh? Did you not even read the op?
. I mentioned today if he wouldn’t mind waking up a little bit earlier to help with feeding the cat, and maybe helping make his own breakfast because sometimes it feels like a rush. Maybe I’ve set the precedent here so now he expects it but his response was that ‘I’m always complaining’ and that ‘he could about stuff I do to’
he does NOTHING, she asks him to do one thing, and she gets this whiny pathetic bullshit. Why would you compare this to your dh and say the op should be happy because she’s found a winner? (Paraphrased obviously) Does your husband also accept and enjoy blow jobs but never ever ever go down on you as well?

Rob24 · 11/03/2025 20:31

This was me, only I married the guy and had a baby with him. It only gets worse. Get out now before you feel like you can’t, like me.

Tinseltuttifruitti · 11/03/2025 20:32

I've been in your place, it only gets worse, trust me. Soon the mother/son dynamic will turn you off sex completely, and he'll be throwing tantrums about it.

Natty13 · 11/03/2025 20:35

If you asked him to get out of bed 15 mins earlier in the morning to feed your shared pet while youmade his breakfast AND LUNCH would he do that "at the drop of a hat" or would he call you a nag and refuse?

You're comparing a man with poor executive function but nevertheless loving in his actions and attitude to a man child who simply wants to be looked after without offering anything at all in return - not a single loving action.

ISpyNoPlumPie · 11/03/2025 20:36

Tinseltuttifruitti · 11/03/2025 20:32

I've been in your place, it only gets worse, trust me. Soon the mother/son dynamic will turn you off sex completely, and he'll be throwing tantrums about it.

Yep. Then he’ll cheat on you and he’ll tell you it’s all your fault. Why would you do this to yourself?

Beesandhoney123 · 11/03/2025 21:15

Just another point- who owns the car?
Get your own car if its not yours. Drive yourself about. Be independent.

It's not cute to agree you are a terrible driver and he does manly stuff.

What do your parents and friends think?
My parents had a very ' old fashioned' marriage but my dad was up at 6 every morning bringing mum tea in bed, cooking once a week, buying her flowers as a surprise.

It's clear you want to be settled and married. But don't throw yourself away. Give him 3 months to change and during that 3 months you change, and sort yourself out somewhere to go.

Don't keep reminding him. It's up to him.

whynotwhatknot · 11/03/2025 21:36

you buy his clothes? lets stop wit maybe he has autism -hes never bought hhis own clothes ffs
doesnt like phoning people-noone does

wtf are you going to do with a baby an running around after the man child aswell

iif he can go to work he an cook and buy clothes

OneFineDay13 · 11/03/2025 22:29

Sorry but you have turned into a bit of a mothering figure

Starstruck2020 · 11/03/2025 22:35

I’m not sure if it’s been said. But the phrase “when someone e shows you who they are believe it”. Is a good one, One which I wish someone gave me.

Reading your comments I really can’t see what he contributes to the relationship beyond driving, However he puts your driving down so that’s a flag too.

newyearsresolurion · 11/03/2025 22:44

OMG!!! This is so bad. I agree with pp who said separate for 6 months see how he will cope. You're this man's slave

Gardenbird123 · 11/03/2025 22:59

He hasn't grown up or taken on any responsibility for living, and you are mothering him too much. If you have a child you will then be doing all this twice. Pull back and make him grow up. It's easy to hug someone and say thank you, then continue making no effort at all. Don't take responsibility for everything, I beg you!

Masmavi · 11/03/2025 23:19

İ could have written this 20 years ago, right down to the lack of gifts. Believe me when I say nothing will change. If you decide to get married you'll organise every detail, but importantly, if you have children you will end up doing everything - you're already doing way more than him so why will he change when it gets harder? You will end up resenting him and he will gaslight you into thinking it's your fault and you complain too much. This person is not life partner material. You need someone who will put much more into the relationship than he takes out. The question you should really ask yourself is why you accept so little. Perhaps deep down you think you don't deserve more? That no-one else will.come along who will love you? Please think deeply about your next steps because these decisions have long term effects.

Percypigsyumyum · 11/03/2025 23:32

There are few things less attractive than a grown man who behaves like a baby. a long term partnership should be supporting both of you to live happy, healthy and fulfilling lives. It sounds like you are his maid and mummy and he is happy and fulfilled but not bothering to bring much to the table.
To be honest I would get rid of him, it will be hard to change the dynamic now, and it will only get worse over time.

Honeyroar · 11/03/2025 23:43

You are so young and clearly in love with being in love, but I hope your rose tinted spectacles are starting to come off. You describe him as your best friend and say he adores you - yet he can’t even be arsed to buy you a present and he lets you do absolutely everything in the house. Doesn’t really care about you re foreplay. You’re just not telling us anything that correlates with this wonderful boyfriend who will be a great father you speak of. You have so much life ahead of you, don’t waste it. You sound capable and caring. Choose someone who has your back. Cares about you. Spoils you. Shares the housework, organises surprises. Makes you feel cherished. Open your eyes. Don’t settle for this pathetic boy. He’s not enough.

Heidi2018 · 12/03/2025 03:52

I do love mothering

This is the crux of your problem and honestly I would suggest you address it before entering into another relationship or you'll end up with tge same shit again. Set boundaries for yourself. You aren't his mother!

purplehair1 · 12/03/2025 08:15

Oh dear lord you poor thing. He’s a lazy arse. Stop doing all these things for him. This will become increasingly enraging over time and destroy your peace of mind. Why should you run around after him like this? Please don’t have children, you already have a man-child.