Am I expecting too much from my partner?

[Emmacam]

We’ve been together 3 years (both 26) and have lived together for pretty much all of that time apart from maybe 5 months at the beginning.

I love him very much. He is my best friend and he makes my world go round. We share very loving life together. He is attentive, and shows me so much love and affection and I know he adores me. He is a gentle soul and there is no bad bone or malice in his body. That’s never in doubt.

I just go through waves of worry that we might not be compatible in terms of spending the rest of our lives together but I’m not sure if I’m just anxious recently. Not sure what I’m gaining out of this post - maybe to see if other ladies think this is normal or whether I’m justified in my worry / or whether I’m crazy in being worried or crazy for living my life like this. Please see points below.

So this is my overall contribution in our day-to-day lives of our relationship:

I always cook dinner - I love cooking I find it de-stresses me. I don’t mean ovenables I always like to cook fresh. I sometimes batch cook a couple days in advance on a Sunday so it means I’m not rushing around on Monday and Tuesdays.

We both work 9-5 jobs. I do love mothering and being ‘domesticated’ (even tho I’m not a mum yet) and so I always make my partners sandwiches before he goes to work, make him breakfast and fill up his coffee flask.

NB sometimes he’s still fast asleep have to wake him up and he might not get up until 10 mins before we are both supposed to leave. I mentioned today if he wouldn’t mind waking up a little bit earlier to help with feeding the cat, and maybe helping make his own breakfast because sometimes it feels like a rush. Maybe I’ve set the precedent here so now he expects it but his response was that ‘I’m always complaining’ and that ‘he could about stuff I do to’ … idk I just thought it was rather an immature response to a reasonable request.

I always do the washing - washing clothes, towels, bed sheets… these things literally don’t cross his mind so of course I do!

when it’s his birthday I always get super thoughtful presents and plan nice stuff with his friends. I go above and beyond. I also tell him I love him and appreciate everything he does etc.

I book our holidays because it’s never crossed his mind and we’d never get a break. Obviously I ask what he’s like and I’ll book it but it dawns on me that if it wasn’t for me we wouldn’t go anywhere! We have a joint bank account so it’s not financial reluctance - it’s just he’s never taken initiative. Maybe this is normal!

I even contact his friends and mother on his behalf. He is so bad and always has been on his phone. It does make me anxious because if I don’t reply to his mum then I feel like I’m in the wrong or responsible - people mainly go through me to get to him and at first I didn’t mind but sometimes it makes me anxious. I’ve encouraged him to be more proactive on his phone but he said he thought ‘I liked’ doing it….. but it’s not the case I just don’t want people thinking he’s dead if I don’t reply!

anyway so I do all of the above which for the most part I’m very happy to do and even though he’s thoughtful in terms of telling me he loves me, cuddles etc he does not show these appreciation in terms of gestures.

So, his lack of contribution:

for all of our christmasses I’ve had to drop hints at the fact he needs to remember to get me a Christmas present. He told me when we first got together he was ‘bad’ at that kind of stuff but now 3 years later surely he knows what I like. Anyway every Christmas he dashes to John Lewis super last min on Christmas Eve. Last year he bought me a candle…. I don’t even like candles! Well I don’t mind them but it obvs wasn’t a thoughtful gift.

since our first Christmas together I’ve had to buy his mother a card on his behalf so he can write in it. I buy her presents from the both of us because otherwise he wouldn’t do it! Same goes for his dad etc. Don’t get me wrong - I like doing this stuff but it worries me these things don’t occur to him. Same goes for Mother’s Day and their birthdays etc! He is great at writing very well written cards so he does do that but that’s as far as it goes.

for my birthday this year I said I’d like some wellies. Well a month later and they still haven’t arrived! He said the Evri driver didn’t deliver it and he has showed me the emails between them but it’s his lack of willing… I’ve never had a problem with evri and if I have I’ve ensured it’s sorted! if it was me I would just re-order elsewhere because it’s my partners birthday??

He’s never booked a holiday for us - I’m always booking them. Because if it wasn’t for me we just would never get a breaks. He’s never once said ‘let’s go away’…

he never buys me flowers - I mean this one is a non issue.

it goes without saying I mention this stuff to him but nothing ever changes, I know he loves me but it does make me feel a little upset sometimes. I worry that we will actually never get engaged because he lacks the capacity to think things through in advance - I know he WANTS to marry me but I’m worried about his lack of urgency sometimes.

I know he appreciates everything I do because he says it and he says thank you but I suppose I just wish there was more romance and if I’m not getting it now I probably never going to get romance!

I’m sorry to be TMI and crude but he never goes down on my during sex. At first he told me it’s bevause he never did it before but this just seems to prove that he’s a little bit selfish and unromantic. I always do for him!! Like… all the time!

I know I’ve said negative stuff about him but he also does contribute in amazing ways:

• drives us everywhere - I mean he LOVES driving and doesn’t think I’m a good driver (I’m not!) so he’s very happy to
• he soothes my anxiety and makes me calm when I’m stressed because I am prone to emotionally instability and that’s something that can’t be replaced
• he’s so handsome inside and out.
• he’s very intelligent and I know he will make a great father
• fixes manly stuff like the cars etc

so maybe I am just behind dramatic and needed a rant….

I fail to see what you find attractive about this manchild.

Set your standards higher op

Oh god, another idle wee shite.....

OP, you can do better. He's unlikely to change.

Jesus Christ op do NOT have a child with this man. Nothing you have said sounds like he’ll be a good father. Stop mothering him and it’ll reveal how he truly feels about you.
Are we really still behaving like this for men in 2025?

My son is 26, I would be appalled if he treated a partner in this way

its weaponized incompetence at its finest

think hard before having children as he won’t help you at all

Do NOT let him steal away your driving confidence by refusing to let you drive and negging your skills. It’s controlling and doesn’t belong on your list of positives.

This is a good point. The less you drive, the less you will want to as you will start losing confidence. Then you will have to spend even more time at home doing housework! Although you probably don’t have much time to go out socialising anyway with commuting into London and then doing 2 people’s chores at home 😔

@Emmacam didn’t read it all but seems it’s a mix of the pressure you put on yourself. .(his job to reply to his friends:family . Also he had the right idea not to be tied to his phone .

The rest he is taking you for granted .you have done all this and he expects it now. .

That’s what I got from the first 1/4 or 1/2

Wash your own clothes.
cook because it’s suits you
feed the cat as it’s the right thing to do .Dont wash his clothes or make his packed lunch .
Tell him he is on dish washing duties as soon as the dinner is ate. .
Id he doesn’t go to a friend me and cook or go out and eat he will soon realise when he has to do it all .

Team work or he will soon be single

@Emmacam just three words!! making, rod, back!!!

I only got through 50% of your post and the 🚩 🚩🚩 were blowing in the wind so hard I couldn’t get through the rest

You have adopted a man child. You’re fortunate to have learnt this before marriage and kids. A quick look on mums net will show you the outcome of such women who come across them and have kids with them

Your bar is so low you’re at risk of tripping over it. You are not his mother, he is meant to be your partner and your equal. Keep cooking if you love it, ensure he balances this with a higher amount of household chores and step away from the rest and him ideally - he’s an adult, not a child.

He’s a man child and just sits back and lets you do everything because you let him. Stop phoning his mother and buying cards for him to write. Unless he’s a mute paraplegic he can do these things himself. Make a stance now before it’s too late.

Basically, you're both acting like you're a married couple in the 1950s.

You like doing domestic stuff and 'mothering' which is totally fine, but he is assuming that you will just take on this role in its entirety for the rest of your life and he will never have to do any of this stuff. He thinks things like housework and anything that requires a bit of thought or kindness (like sending his own mother a birthday card) are women's work and that all he has to do around the place is being 'manly' and 'calm' and soothing silly hysterical over-emotional women, and driving the car because he thinks women are shit drivers.

For perspective - here's how things work in my own relationship (and I'm a lot older than you):

We both work full time, partly office based and partly from home.
I cook dinner for us both 95% of the time, usually from scratch.
We each make our own breakfast and lunches.
He does all the laundry.
I tend to clean the kitchen and bathroom, but frankly neither of us are that diligent about it.
He does the Hoovering, sorts the bins.
He books and plans all our holidays. I have literally never booked one in 22 years. He loves doing it and is brilliant at planning amazing trips.
He drives - I actually can't drive.
He does all household admin - bills, insurance, energy suppliers, mortgage deals etc.
I do all the gardening and mow the lawn - I enjoy it.
I do some DIY; he does none; we mostly get people in to be honest! But if there's a flatpack needs assembling or a wall needs painting, it's always me.
We each sort cards/gifts for our own respective families and friends.
We each make a fuss of each other on birthdays and make an effort to get thoughtful presents for each other.

I'm jealous of him! I'd love to have everything done for me.

Shamelessly reposting my response to another thread.

It is all well and fine until children come along. I've known several women who were absolutely stunned when they had children that their hapless husband (that they had doted and coddled previously) remained hapless when children arrived... The words; I'm not your mother being deployed. The problem with this previous generosity from these wives to their husbands is that the husband thinks it's normal and to be expected and become resentful that the baby is pushing them out.

Don't get me wrong they should have reciprocated the care originally but if someone wants to smooth your path, a lot of people will accept that. I think it's why when people start threads about husbands not pulling their weight as a parent, one of the first questions is, well was he selfish before you got married and had children?

As a single woman I won't accept this haplessness but unfortunately that seems to make me quite unappealing as many men want a nurturing mother type only to be disappointed as above when they get put into second place by the arrival of children.

OP you sound lovely, you deserve so much better than this. Its not high maintenance to expect the bare minimum from your partner, but lets be honest. You're not even getting the bare minimum here, the bar is quite literally on the floor at this point.
Please dont have children with this manchild. You're already doing everything now and it will only get worse, imagine doing everything you're doing now plus having a child to take care of. He wont ever change. You've unfortunately allowed this to escalate like it has by agreeing to do all this for him, he will always expect it to be this way now and even if you ask him for more he wont do it because hes too content and happy with the way things are.
Please leave. You have a miserable future ahead with someone like this. Its better to be on your own for a little bit, take some time to yourself and work on your boundaries before you get into another relationship.

Emmacam, it sounds to me that your man has poor executive function - many reasons why that could be, which is not where I'm going here - so you have quite a difficult decision to make. Essentially, can you accept and live with it?

My husband is similar, but I love him and accommodate his issues (as he does mine - although I like to think that I'm perfect). I keep the appointments calendar, including birthdays and seeing his relatives. I tell him what I want for birthdays/Christmas, where to buy it and offer to get it myself. Other small surprise presents turn up too. Flowers arrive after he's been to the supermarket for no reason reason except because. I do all the Christmas cards/presents etc. We discuss in advance and he chooses the cards.

We are different people with complementary skills. We make it work most of the time, but we do have times when frustration breaks out - usually because we have not communicated properly. Is it easy - certainly not. Is it worth the hassle - it will be 39 years this June and I think so.

He isn't lovely and amazing. He's selfish and pathetic. Wants to be looked after like a 1950s husband (including being serviced for sex without having to bother thinking about your pleasure) but, guess what, you financially subsidise him too!

And if you speak to him about it he tells you to stop nagging. Words fail me.

Even his "compliments" are self serving. He never wants to go out for dinner because he prefers your cooking. I bet he does because it involves zero effort and expenditure by him! The fact that you'd love a night off doesn't register with him because you aren't really a person to him, just a service appliance.

Get out quick while you are still unmarried and no kids. Lots of much nicer men out there who will take their turn cooking dinner, buy you birthday presents and actually want to please you in bed.

Never a truer word spoken

OMG OP. Seriously wake up. Does he also wipe his dirty shoes on your back as he walks through the front door? This is an incredibly unhealthy relationship and it’s clearly not salvageable (he criticises and undermines you at any suggestion that you won’t carry on doing EVERYTHING for him). Walk away, do not get trapped.

My DH puts me before himself. Neither of us are done until we’re both done (no one is sitting down if one of us is up doing housework). He prioritises my sexual pleasure over his own. We share similar values - we work hard for our family, we want more for our children. We care about each other in our actions. And we both understand that the family is as happy as the most unhappy person in the family - that’s a team, a unit.

I don’t think you realise how awful he is. There is no more important decision than the decision you make in a partner. This one is a selfish cruel leech and he will ruin your life. I have seen friends stay with these men and it was awful. Deal with this now.

My guess is he lived at home before he moved in with you and his Mum enabled him to do nothing? For me there is nothing attractive in pandering to anyones helplessness.
I make breakfast for our youngest as he is too little to do it for himself, but otherwise everyone else (unless they want porridge as that’s what the youngest has) gets their own breakfast.
I don’t wake up my husband, or pack his lunch he has two hands the same as me and can put them to good use if he wants a lunch. I don’t buy cards/presents for any grown ups on his side of the family, if he wants them to get a card etc he needs to organise it himself… I do buy nieces and nephews presents on both sides because I wouldn’t want a child to feel like they had been forgotten if DH didn’t do anything.
If anyone was to message me about something concerning DH they would be told to message him themselves.
Your are allowing him to be this way and as time goes on you will get frustrated. You are still so young and are in your prime, don’t become a drudge for someone who can’t even put the time in.

What in earth makes you think he'll be a great father when he can't even wash his own clothes and think of you on occasion.

Look, this is your own fault. You can either undo it or carry on.

For starters he can do his own laundry or he goes without clean clothes. Work it out as you go.

Good heavens. 3 years of playing married, not a proposal in sight and you are a domestic drudge!

At least you know what your future looks like with this man. Does he earn a huge amount of money and you have decided to put up with this nonsense on purpose?

Lose the joint account.
Stop running round after him.
Go out with your friends at least once a week to nice bars, talk to them about your lifestyle. Listen to them. Chat to other people.

No doubt he will make promises - we'll get engaged one day, too early for dc- then in 5 years time he will not change and or you'll find out he has another girlfriend whom he swiftly marries and has dc with.

The sensible thing to do imo would be to have a break, no contact, stay with a friend, have a proper fun time, concentrate on your career, then after 3 months see if you want to go back.
You know already.

Also, he won't be a great dad or husband. He lets you do everything!

Jesus, reading all the updates it just gets worse. Please leave this guy before you have kids. My husband is a great dad and supportive partner and it's still really hard! Relationships take work and this guy does bugger all. Life is too short!

That's an unbelievably long list of the things he doesn't care about.

It is hard to believe how utterly entitled he is and that you have been enabling it to this extent.

If this is really the case, then you have adopted a son and become his unpaid servant.

" I know he will make a great father"
Lol. He can't even look after himself, let alone a child 🙄

Don’t have children with this man. You will end up resenting him and his lack of effort will cause you to suffer burnout. You aren’t in an equal relationship