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Original poster

Knowing marriage is over

514 replies

thelab · 08/03/2025 22:21

Hello,

I’m married with 2 DC. Home in joint mortgage and I work FT. I’ve only recently changed jobs and took a bit of a pay cut; this was to study so I’ll eventually have much better earning middle of next year. I’m 31.

I’ve been feeling ‘stuck’ in marriage for a while now. DH just completely messy to the extremes and not wanting to take on the mental load of much, to keep it very brief!
We’d do nothing outside of parenting but if his friends popped up, he’d be so excited and making all the effort. If he couldn’t go, he’d mope about and speak of how he doesn’t want to let that part of his life go (socialising) and blame me for it. They can’t do anything together that doesn’t involve getting drunk.
Nights are spent with him falling asleep on the sofa snoring.

Anyway, DH got invited to a stag do which he’s currently on, he went yesterday and until Monday evening. He first told me about it in passing at a concert of my favourite band, knowing I’d be distracted, then slyly just booked himself onto it, without even a discussion about it. He then said he wasn’t going, as a previous stag do he went on, late last year, made him miss the children too much.

I repeatedly told him I wasn’t happy about the way he went about this, not ‘permission’, just the lack of courtesy to discuss it. I also told him I wasn’t happy as we haven’t even got a family holiday booked this year, yet he’s been to the stag last year, this one and is going on a weekend away for his dad’s birthday next month. He started changing from not going, to going, saying he felt emotionally manipulated by me telling him the children had been upset on the previous one. He assured me he’d make sure we had a family holiday booked before he went however.

Obviously, that didn’t happen and I have no idea how much he’s taken money wise. Before he left, he didn’t even send a message to say he was getting on the plane/that he loves us as he usually would and all I got when he arrived was literally ‘I’ve arrived’. He messaged about 11:30am their time today, again, very brief with ‘Yous alright?’ This is unlike even him.

He’s been online on WhatsApp a lot tonight yet not bothered to message. I don’t expect constant conversation flow but I think it just highlights where we are on the priorities. I’m feeling a mix of anxiety and anger and I’m just so fed up of what has become my life. This feels like the end in my head, like a tipping point almost.

Sorry, I just wanted to let it out somewhere 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
thelab · 10/03/2025 18:30

I’d gone in the kitchen because I didn’t want to cry in front of the children. I keep bursting out into random tears I can’t control which I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of seeing either. He was in earshot and our little girl ran in. She pointed at my face and said, ‘mammy hurt’, ‘daddy hurt you’. He’s now standing in the kitchen in hysterical crying I can hear.
Should have thought about the children before you wanted to behave like someone who didn’t have them. I’ve told him we clearly didn’t cross his mind once.

I do think he needs to leave, it’s not easy having him here as a constant reminder. I’ll be glad to get back to work tomorrow.

OP posts:
ForeverPombear · 10/03/2025 18:41

I agree with the PP who says to an extent she agrees with him about not calling friend. I don't think I would either, he can't control what his friend says but also if that were my friend I'd be stepping back from them.

He needs to go and give you space so that you can process what happened and what you want to happen going forwards. It sounds like you know the relationship is over but you still need time to process things, you've been through a lot the past few days.

Cattery · 10/03/2025 18:41

Been reading all your posts and updates. What the fuck was he THINKING?! A nice little family all jeopardised now and for what. These men need their heads tested. Stay strong ❤️

EG94 · 10/03/2025 18:43

Kindly, is it any wonder his friends have no respect for you or your relationship when your own husband doesn’t. The way his friends think it’s joke should tell you all you need to know about how he behaves in your absence and the kind of comments he makes about you, family life and other women. He needs to leave whilst you grieve

Zippymonkey · 10/03/2025 18:43

Oh op I really feel for you. I really think you should ask him to leave while you think.
The best thing for you is peace to process and recover. By extension that is also true for your kids.

AnonAnonmystery · 10/03/2025 18:56

Zippymonkey · 10/03/2025 18:43

Oh op I really feel for you. I really think you should ask him to leave while you think.
The best thing for you is peace to process and recover. By extension that is also true for your kids.

I second this. It’s painful for him to be around you, not good for kids either plus his selfish sobbing. If he was grovelling maybe you could work with that but he continues to berate you? And it’s only day one, this time next week his expectation will be you never mention it again most likely.
Take good care of yourself, my heart goes out to you x

Nina1013 · 10/03/2025 18:56

Ringing his friend is just making your marriage a sideshow. He’s done enough of that himself.

Backtoblack1 · 10/03/2025 18:58

I would tell him to leave while you think about what it is you want to do x stay strong x

Original poster
thelab · 10/03/2025 18:58

Thank you. It’s hard to try and stay rational. I think I’m being strong for the children and then I see something like that where our whole lives being shattered is just a source of amusement.

I just said to him I think I’m done and I need the space and he was saying, ‘no, no, please’ and begging me to talk after the children are in bed. It’s every time he thinks I’m definitely lost, he’s trying to reel me back in. An early night in order I think, things might feel clearer on some sleep.

OP posts:
TheMathofLoveTriangles · 10/03/2025 19:01

I get that your head is all over the place but you need to stop dragging his friends into it as it’s not going to help you.

Your post title was that your marriage was over. If you believe his story that a random woman took his phone, she then drunkenly kissed him for a few seconds and he was too drunk/shocked to respond and then he jumped on a plane because of the guilt, then your reaction/his reaction seems OTT.

You have loads of reasons to end the relationship, but making it about a girl who kissed him a seconds won’t stick for long I don’t think. Is that really an unforgivable action? Unless you think he’s lying (which he think he is tbh) and that’s just another of those bigger issues that’s the real reason it’s over

TJM123 · 10/03/2025 19:04

TheMathofLoveTriangles · 10/03/2025 19:01

I get that your head is all over the place but you need to stop dragging his friends into it as it’s not going to help you.

Your post title was that your marriage was over. If you believe his story that a random woman took his phone, she then drunkenly kissed him for a few seconds and he was too drunk/shocked to respond and then he jumped on a plane because of the guilt, then your reaction/his reaction seems OTT.

You have loads of reasons to end the relationship, but making it about a girl who kissed him a seconds won’t stick for long I don’t think. Is that really an unforgivable action? Unless you think he’s lying (which he think he is tbh) and that’s just another of those bigger issues that’s the real reason it’s over

What are you on about? You can end a marriage for whatever reason you like these days. The fact that he called her a cunt, screamed at her, has been gaslighting her, kissed another woman (at the very minimum), messaged the other woman all day while calling his wife a cunt, joked about it with friends… is that not enough for ya? Her reaction is not OTT at all.

I do agree with your point that OP should focus on his behaviour and forget the pals for now. Though I wouldn’t be speaking to any of them again - total wastes of space the lot of them.

Mix56 · 10/03/2025 19:05

Oh he wont leave, he'll say hes not leaving HIS house he pays for, & add, as a second thought, HIS children, not that he gave a flying fuck when he was snogging the holiday girl, hurling insults & ghosting their mother

LAMPS1 · 10/03/2025 19:05

He’s ignorant, lazy and immature OP. With a very poor and very arrogant attitude.
He has shown that he needs the validation of his mates, more than he needs you. He certainly hasn’t matured enough to be a father nor to work as an equal team member in a marriage. He wanted it all and his mates egged him on to play the big man for their entertainment.

He’s already in trouble at work and yet his way out of that was to bury his head in the sand and distract himself with cheap thrills in Benidorm.
And now he’s in trouble with his marriage and family life and home. He has no idea how to put it right because he’s still a little boy.

I’m afraid it’s downhill from here OP. It wasn’t right before he went to Benidorm and now it’s irreparable unless he suddenly grows up overnight and miraculously manages to act to convince you.
You have seen right through him and you can’t unsee it.
Ask him to re-pack his bag and leave you in peace.
He can go sofa surf with all his best mates.

I have a feeling you and the children will do very much better without him.

TJM123 · 10/03/2025 19:06

thelab · 10/03/2025 18:58

Thank you. It’s hard to try and stay rational. I think I’m being strong for the children and then I see something like that where our whole lives being shattered is just a source of amusement.

I just said to him I think I’m done and I need the space and he was saying, ‘no, no, please’ and begging me to talk after the children are in bed. It’s every time he thinks I’m definitely lost, he’s trying to reel me back in. An early night in order I think, things might feel clearer on some sleep.

You’ve been so rational my love. Beware of crocodile tears - he’s got A LOT to lose here, he’s probably thinking about the work fallout and being the bad guy too. The way he’s reacted so far tells me he doesn’t really care about you, more damage control. You should definitely ask him to stay at his dad’s for a while.

Chestnutworld · 10/03/2025 19:09

Jeez! I think you need to send him off to his Dads and if he refuses I think you need to take off to his Dads. You need to make him look after your children. It’s hard work and he needs to realise how much of an easy ride he has had with you taking on the majority. If you are at his Dads he won’t have his Dad helping him either. Actually I think you need to take off to his Dads and don’t give him the option to go. He works from home anyway, he can do kid drop off and pick up and you take your work things so you can go straight into the office tomorrow. Sounds like he is likely to loose his family and his job which is nothing less than he deserves really, what a lazy self absorbed a**hole!

Omgblueskys · 10/03/2025 19:10

thelab · 10/03/2025 18:58

Thank you. It’s hard to try and stay rational. I think I’m being strong for the children and then I see something like that where our whole lives being shattered is just a source of amusement.

I just said to him I think I’m done and I need the space and he was saying, ‘no, no, please’ and begging me to talk after the children are in bed. It’s every time he thinks I’m definitely lost, he’s trying to reel me back in. An early night in order I think, things might feel clearer on some sleep.

OK op take control of this conversation, you get your say now, he doesn't get an option he listens to you,
You need to process all this, he needs to go to his dad's while you try and make sense of this nightmare, the BS he has come out with is insulting to you,
Yes let him cry, he didn't care about you on Saturday and how upset you were, so let him,
The msg from his dickhead friends are very telling , that's all you need to know,
Get him to stay away and give you some breathing space, 💐

OchreRaven · 10/03/2025 19:12

What the PP said about his friends not respecting you because he doesn’t is completely correct. I bet he was telling them how annoyed he was at having to leave to ‘sort it out’ as his friends put it because they don’t want him ruining it for everyone, and letting all their OH in on what really happens on these boys trips and how sexist and foul they all are when their families aren’t there.

He fully expected to give you a kiss and cuddle and tell you a little story and then expect you to never mention it again. He’s upset now because he realises his whole life may change if you don’t give in like he was expecting. He realises he might have to fend for himself and that’s what he’s really upset about. Himself, again. If he truly cared about you, his actions would have been shown you when he got home. You can see the truth. You deserve to be happy. Don’t waste your life trying to change someone who doesn’t see their behaviour as a problem.

Mix56 · 10/03/2025 19:14

Tell him fucking pull himself together, he is NOT to upset the kids with his pathetic pity party.
Its HUS actions that have consequences.

MyrtleLion · 10/03/2025 19:14

He's just seeing you as his housekeeper, nanny, flatmate who shares the bills and occasional shat, not as an equal partner. That is all about to kick him out and he's upset about losing those aspects.

He's not upset that he's hurt you. He's not upset that he won't see his kids all the time. He's not even upset that you care about him. It's all about where he will live, who will cook and clean and how can he afford his financial commitments.

Because if he did care about you, he wouldn't have done it and would absolutely be calling out his mates.

I'm so sorry xx

Mix56 · 10/03/2025 19:15

Typos sorry

TheMathofLoveTriangles · 10/03/2025 19:19

TJM123 · 10/03/2025 19:04

What are you on about? You can end a marriage for whatever reason you like these days. The fact that he called her a cunt, screamed at her, has been gaslighting her, kissed another woman (at the very minimum), messaged the other woman all day while calling his wife a cunt, joked about it with friends… is that not enough for ya? Her reaction is not OTT at all.

I do agree with your point that OP should focus on his behaviour and forget the pals for now. Though I wouldn’t be speaking to any of them again - total wastes of space the lot of them.

Edited
Show quote history

I think the relationship is over - just not because a girl kissed him.

I think it’s over because she said it was over before she found out, and because he was aggressive to her whilst knowing he had been fooling around and because I suspect he is still not telling her the truth. He’s making out he is the victim and he’s created a narrative that makes him blameless - all reasons why it’s over.

I feel like you misunderstood my post. He seems like an awful person. But if she makes it about this one incident he’ll spin his way out of it, guaranteed. I speak from the experience of listening to this shit for years.

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 10/03/2025 19:20

What are you on about? You can end a marriage for whatever reason you like these days. The fact that he called her a cunt, screamed at her, has been gaslighting her, kissed another woman (at the very minimum), messaged the other woman all day while calling his wife a cunt, joked about it with friends… is that not enough for ya? Her reaction is not OTT at all.

Absolutely agree. He's a pathetic man-child. And now he's crying about it. Hope you get away from him.

andfinallyhereweare · 10/03/2025 19:39

@thelab its easy to recover delete WhatsApp messages https://faq.whatsapp.com/618575946635920/?cms_platform=iphone
if he’s android it will be in his recycling. Also you can lock chats and hide them ask him about this and there is the archive feature.

id also be speaking to the wags of the friends he was on the trip with they will know more as lads talk also. Sorry op. Sounds so hard.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 10/03/2025 19:40

Hold on, he met her on the Friday but it was on Saturday night that he was absolutely vile to you??

He wasn't exactly wracked with guilt, was he?

Original poster
thelab · 10/03/2025 19:55

@FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee Yes. He met her on the Friday, bearing in mind the plane didn’t leave until 16:30 our time so he didn’t waste much time in getting absolutely wasted and crossing multiple lines.

The Saturday he carried on messaging her with apparent vague mentions of meeting on the Saturday to which I have no doubt would have gone further, but that’s when I was speaking to him and we had the horrific phone call. It wasn’t until the Sunday that he woke up and started actually apologising (and when she sent him a screenshot of my message and it dawned on her he was married by the sounds of it) and he deleted and blocked her.

On the Sunday, he didn’t message until nearly lunch time and then he went for a walk out with a friend first (the one now making jokes), rather than say ring me to have a proper conversation and apologise. I had to ask him to and he told me he would once he’d got back from his walk..

OP posts: