Knowing marriage is over

[thelab]

Hello,

I’m married with 2 DC. Home in joint mortgage and I work FT. I’ve only recently changed jobs and took a bit of a pay cut; this was to study so I’ll eventually have much better earning middle of next year. I’m 31.

I’ve been feeling ‘stuck’ in marriage for a while now. DH just completely messy to the extremes and not wanting to take on the mental load of much, to keep it very brief!
We’d do nothing outside of parenting but if his friends popped up, he’d be so excited and making all the effort. If he couldn’t go, he’d mope about and speak of how he doesn’t want to let that part of his life go (socialising) and blame me for it. They can’t do anything together that doesn’t involve getting drunk.
Nights are spent with him falling asleep on the sofa snoring.

Anyway, DH got invited to a stag do which he’s currently on, he went yesterday and until Monday evening. He first told me about it in passing at a concert of my favourite band, knowing I’d be distracted, then slyly just booked himself onto it, without even a discussion about it. He then said he wasn’t going, as a previous stag do he went on, late last year, made him miss the children too much.

I repeatedly told him I wasn’t happy about the way he went about this, not ‘permission’, just the lack of courtesy to discuss it. I also told him I wasn’t happy as we haven’t even got a family holiday booked this year, yet he’s been to the stag last year, this one and is going on a weekend away for his dad’s birthday next month. He started changing from not going, to going, saying he felt emotionally manipulated by me telling him the children had been upset on the previous one. He assured me he’d make sure we had a family holiday booked before he went however.

Obviously, that didn’t happen and I have no idea how much he’s taken money wise. Before he left, he didn’t even send a message to say he was getting on the plane/that he loves us as he usually would and all I got when he arrived was literally ‘I’ve arrived’. He messaged about 11:30am their time today, again, very brief with ‘Yous alright?’ This is unlike even him.

He’s been online on WhatsApp a lot tonight yet not bothered to message. I don’t expect constant conversation flow but I think it just highlights where we are on the priorities. I’m feeling a mix of anxiety and anger and I’m just so fed up of what has become my life. This feels like the end in my head, like a tipping point almost.

Sorry, I just wanted to let it out somewhere 😞

It wasn’t until about tea time on the Sunday that he eventually admitted to kissing her though, after multiple comments about not giving me an answer of something he hadn’t done, he hadn’t kissed her etc etc, all the while speaking with very awkward pauses and sighs so it was completely obvious.

I’m so sorry 😔 . It’s almost not helpful for you at this point to think about the ins and outs of what he did. To me, it’s so obvious - he cheated on you and he doesn’t respect you at all. You’ll never know exactly what happened, who led who on etc. you’ll never be able to trust him AND you’ll always know that his first reaction was to call you controlling, “a prison” and even worse, a cunt. You deserve so much better. Your priority is now protecting you and your kids, and getting him out so you have space to think. Seek some legal advice as soon as you can. Please don’t be scared of being without him, you’ve got this ❤️

I mean this gently, but that is his version of events, and certainly not true.

OP I am late to this and have only read first two posts. But have a “glow up”, focus on YOU and leave. You are soooo too young to be miserable with this useless man (and this is coming from somebody younger than you!). I am in the same boat having taken a big pay cut for more study which will lead to better pay in middle of next year so I understand if there are financial implications but lean on family & friends and get any financial help you are entitled to. And leave. You will find better than this and you deserve it, don’t beg for breadcrumbs! Sending love x

@thelab I am sure his dad will give him a bed for a week or two as well as a bollocking! send him on his way/

Do you for sure he wasn’t with her Saturday night too? I know you spoke to him and he was awful to you but do you think he was doing that to make himself feel better about what he did/ was going to do? He told you he wanted to end the relationship didn’t he? Did he do that so he could hook up with her without guilt telling himself ‘we’re over anyway’. And then come morning went for a walk to discuss the situation with his mate before finally calling you to tell you he didn’t really want to break up….

sorry I don’t want to make you feel worse, I just feel like there is more to the story. Hopefully she’ll respond and you will know one way or the other.

I’m sorry this is happening to you. Please tap into your gut feeling, and if you’re feeling calm enough, trust it. It’s sometimes easy to believe what we want to believe. One thing is for sure is that he is not respecting you..so please don’t trust his take on things because he doesn’t have your best interests at heart. If you feel he’s hiding something, then he most certainly is. (I’ve been through similar). You deserve better. I don’t want to encourage you to end your relationship…but please know your value. This will erode at your self esteem and hollow you out if you let it.

I’m a bit confused Op, it seems like you believe his version of events which - kindly - is quite baffling. It’s like he consulted his ladybird book of Getting Away with Infidelity to find out ‘what’s the most damage limiting way of confessing to cheating’ and it came up with the ‘she kissed me once, with no witnesses, while plastered’ story. And yet you yourself can see the glaring holes in it.

But perhaps it’s because it no longer matters? That whatever happened is the final straw in a marriage that was already on its knees before this happened - and all this has done has served to show you that it would be impossible to rebuild a life with this man as he’s not mature enough, doesn’t care enough and has the emotional self awareness of a single cell amoeba.

If proof further proof that his story is from the Ladybird book of cheating would give you the final push you need to ask him to leave, I think there are avenues you could pursue.

I’d work on the assumption that he’s minimising so use the tactic of asking witnesses ‘he says he only slept with her once but I want to know if that’s the true extent of it’. Play him at his own game and they may then confirm ‘oh yes it was only once’ thinking they’re not contradicting him or dropping him in it.

I’d try again with the girl and say you know he lied to her about being married, you’re planning to end your marriage but you want to be certain that he’s telling the truth, therefore can she confirm his story that she came onto him, that it was all her idea and they only slept together on the Friday night - and lay it on thick that you don’t blame her at all. And ask her for the screenshots of the messages.

Recover his WhatsApp messages.

When he went nuts at you, he immediately jumped to you checking his socials which you didn’t - but that would suggest to me there was something there he wanted to hide, so I’d also look there.

Or @thelab you may think none of this is necessary, he’s a poor husband and father, your life would be calmer without him and all you need is some space to allow you to process this.

Theres no right or wrong way to deal with this - do what’s best for you. 💕

Yep that’s exactly it.

He is trying to reel you back in.
He is trying to make you forget the vile words he used when speaking to you.
He is trying to make you forget you were thinking of ending things anyway.
He is putting it all on the ‘meeting a girl but only kissed her’ whilst forgetting nothing in his behaviour was about trying to save your marriage by taking responsibility.

Remember. He is still going in trying to somehow give you a story you can accept and believe.
At no point has he taken responsibility unless he had no choice.
He still hasn’t truly apologised for swearing at you right?

He's lying and trying to minimise his actions. He had sex with her.

@thelab can you ask him to leave tomorrow so you can think a bit? It’s extra awful when your little ones are picking up on it, that’s not going to help you think as you’ll be thinking of them too. He’s got his dads to go to? Having him there infront of you will cloud your judgement. Have kind of been there (though not anywhere near as bad) and when I found something not good out and had proof and he’d admitted it, I was a real mix of emotions that I wanted him right next to me to ask all the questions…but also just wanted away time too.

Not sure that’s really helpful TBH. how do you know? Were you there?

So sorry op it doesn't look good.

You do know that posters on MN are psychic … or at least they think they are!

Do you feel safe with him in the house? I can just feel this escalating with him crying loudly in earshot of the kids, and his bewildering anger at you for having caught him out. Can you get a friend or relative over (preferably male) and ask him to pack a bag and leave? I wouldn't go back to work tomorrow and leave him in the house. Get him out first.

Forget his loser friends; they didn't cheat on you, your husband did. Focus on how to get some space from him so that you can make a plan that works for you.

@thelab

I know, I'm being boringly repetitious. But PLEASE ask him to 'stay elsewhere'. His behaviour is manipulative and distressing, to you and to your DC. You don't need this.

Tell him "If you want me to decide whether or not our marriage can be saved I can't do it with you in my face all the time. It's actually pushing me away. You need to give me some space by going to <insert place> for a few days/a week so I can think".

If he refuses, that means he knows you're done with him and he's simply bullying you by forcing his presence on you.

This.

It's possible you could salvage your marriage if you both put some hefty leg work in to addressing some of the foundational issues in the relationship- park the cheating and lying, these are symptoms of the problem. Instead you'd focus on identifying how you should be functioning as individuals and as a couple - what respect looks like, what your values are, how you should treat one another, how you work together and make decisions, support and value each other etc etc. This would require working really hard individually and collectively.

But absolutely nothing in his behaviour has demonstrated any real remorse, insight or accountability. And above all he seems to be minimising, deflecting and expecting you to just brush it all under the rug. The very very least he should be offering is to give you space. Have you asked him to leave, or are you just assuming he won't?

@MrsBreadPitt

It's possible you could salvage your marriage if you both put some hefty leg work in

My wording in my post of 'to decide whether the marriage can be saved or not' is simply to get the man to leave, not that @thelab should try to save the marriage.

IMHO, the marriage is as dead as a doornail. And he killed it.

Thing is, if he’s lied about this and cheated, how many other times has he lied and cheated. I doubt this is a one off, this is just the one time you’ve found out that much he hasn’t been able to deny it

Even if the marriage were not dead at this point, it's a horrible one with the shouting and the blaming and this behavior in front of small children. Not one I'd want to save and I'm the human form of a limpit when it comes to sticking with things.

Oh I'm with you on that. I think it was over before he went on the stag, my point was absolutely nothing he's doing would suggest he was going to try and salvage it - including giving her space.

He remembers what happened.

She didn't take his phone and put her number in and then send herself a message with his.

She didn't jump on him and kiss him and then get in a taxi.

There is no way to even consider fixing this while he continues to lie to you. I don't think it's fixable anyway but he's trying to build a bridge over a sea of crap right now.

I don’t want to bring home into work but they have told me many times that if I ever need to talk, it would be in complete confidence any kept between us and DH not involved.

He has form. Maybe some of the others too, with gossip getting back about what they get up to on these trips away. He has blown cover for all of them. Of course he wants you to feel sorry and take him back, that way his position with the guys at work will be rescued too. His whole life is circling the drain right now.

I wouldn't worry to much about he did with the other girl. I would end it regardless, he's no kind of partner to me at all. Sorry op.