Knowing marriage is over

[thelab]

Hello,

I’m married with 2 DC. Home in joint mortgage and I work FT. I’ve only recently changed jobs and took a bit of a pay cut; this was to study so I’ll eventually have much better earning middle of next year. I’m 31.

I’ve been feeling ‘stuck’ in marriage for a while now. DH just completely messy to the extremes and not wanting to take on the mental load of much, to keep it very brief!
We’d do nothing outside of parenting but if his friends popped up, he’d be so excited and making all the effort. If he couldn’t go, he’d mope about and speak of how he doesn’t want to let that part of his life go (socialising) and blame me for it. They can’t do anything together that doesn’t involve getting drunk.
Nights are spent with him falling asleep on the sofa snoring.

Anyway, DH got invited to a stag do which he’s currently on, he went yesterday and until Monday evening. He first told me about it in passing at a concert of my favourite band, knowing I’d be distracted, then slyly just booked himself onto it, without even a discussion about it. He then said he wasn’t going, as a previous stag do he went on, late last year, made him miss the children too much.

I repeatedly told him I wasn’t happy about the way he went about this, not ‘permission’, just the lack of courtesy to discuss it. I also told him I wasn’t happy as we haven’t even got a family holiday booked this year, yet he’s been to the stag last year, this one and is going on a weekend away for his dad’s birthday next month. He started changing from not going, to going, saying he felt emotionally manipulated by me telling him the children had been upset on the previous one. He assured me he’d make sure we had a family holiday booked before he went however.

Obviously, that didn’t happen and I have no idea how much he’s taken money wise. Before he left, he didn’t even send a message to say he was getting on the plane/that he loves us as he usually would and all I got when he arrived was literally ‘I’ve arrived’. He messaged about 11:30am their time today, again, very brief with ‘Yous alright?’ This is unlike even him.

He’s been online on WhatsApp a lot tonight yet not bothered to message. I don’t expect constant conversation flow but I think it just highlights where we are on the priorities. I’m feeling a mix of anxiety and anger and I’m just so fed up of what has become my life. This feels like the end in my head, like a tipping point almost.

Sorry, I just wanted to let it out somewhere 😞

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Been there done that with a man child who just wanted to go out with the 'lads' all the time and acted like a baby when he couldn't. Also relate to the money for beers but not for family stuff. It's no way to live and I left him 9 years ago...

If you truly feel like your marriage over, would it help you to look at some of the more practical aspects to feel in more control. Could you look at a benefits calculator to see if you could get UC or additional help towards childcare. You can then plan out what your options are moving forward.

The first post was pretty bad, but what the OP revealed further down the thread; calling her vile names, lying, changing his story, gaslighting her. I say this without snark, but do read the whole thread and see if you still find their marriage (his behaviour) recoverable?

Where does he take responsibility in all of this? She took his phone (who gives a stranger their phone), she text herself, she kissed him. I’m not a gambler but would be willing to bet that it didn’t happen the way he’s telling you it did.

He's fucked up this marriage in at least three ways, from what I can tell.

One, being a lazy irresponsible child who, poor thing, didn't realise that having a house, job and kids might involve lifting a finger.

Two, by lying and being absolutely vile and blaming you because he was too cowardly to even accept what he'd done.

Three, by pursuing and kissing another woman. As you say OP - icing on the cake, he'd already fucked up big time and didn't care enough to do anything to make it better.

The whole time he was just expecting you to magic things better. Fuck him, seriously.

If my DH even called me one of those names he'd be out. I can't believe he thought you'd just accept that abuse?! Do you usually?

Please please go and be free of this awful man.

Yes - I read the second post, which changes things completely and then wrote a reply immediately under my first one. But the first post is surprisingly common and I know a lot of people who have got through that without ever experiencing the second post. Sadly, that changes everything.

www.instagram.com/reel/DBO8lcBxJyV/?igsh=MW05N2J5eDQ2cDBybA==

Just saying

@thelab can I suggest you get all your ducks in a row now? wouldnt put it past him to take the joint account before you. sort out your documents, passports, mortgage if you have one, birth and marriage certs, all financial documents, shares, account. you need to start looking out for you and your kids because he is only going to look out for himself as has been evidenced by his behaviour this past weekend!! even if you decided to give it another go, at least you have everything ready for a quick trip to solicitors the next time, and there will be a next time!

I would like you to ask yourself one question -

Is there anything that he can say to you now or anything he could possibly do, that would make this awful thing better? That could cancel out what he has done, and make you believe he was a decent man? My partner cheated on me, broke in and tried to strangle me, and I finally realised despite all the panic calls, it was pointless speaking to him, he couldn’t talk his way out of the hurt, we were done. He never once verbally abused me though.

Once you acknowledge that there’s no apology that would actually work, it is easier to let go. The texts and calls are irrelevant because you know there is nothing they can say that can make up for the horrific awfulness, so you ignore/delete.

But for you, do you think there are any words he could use, that can explain what you have just been through, or that would make you think he was justified in treating you like a second rate human?

If he can’t say anything that would make it 100% forgivable then there is nothing left to save in your relationship. Send him a text saying how dare he call you a C word, how dare he speak to you like that, and who the hell does he think he is, and dump the potty mouth.

You deserve better.

My ex swore the kids lives and it turned out he was lying.
I’m not saying that your H is lying still but I suspect he’s minimising to try to get you to forgive him.
I don’t know how you can get closure. Appeal to the woman’s better nature to tell you if it was more than a kiss?

You thought that your marriage was over in your very first post, before any of this happened, so any attempts to explain away the kiss don't matter. It was already over.

I fucking hate the “I can’t remember line”, that alone would make me chick him out. It’s bullshit!

It’s just so fucking lame!

Thank you everyone.

There’s really nothing that can be done I don’t think, that would make me feel any better. I feel like someone has died, I said to him it’s strange because he’s still here but he’s not the person I thought he was and I don’t believe anything he says.

He’s been full of the talk of how much he wants to prove himself, make it work but when I’m talking or we actually get into a conversation of substance, it’s like talking to an emotionless wall. There’s been no real grovelling, no real show of emotion. He’s saying things, like he thinks he ‘should’ but his actions aren’t enough.

I asked for his phone again today, just to see if anything else had been said in the group chat. One friend had asked about there being any sorts on the plane home and then another friend asked if there were any Welsh birds (the girl was Welsh). Another friend then ‘laugh’ reacted that. I showed him it as he hadn’t read it and asked if that’s really acceptable. He said it’s not great. None of them apart from one who hasn’t been involved in the childish messages, have messaged him and they’ve now removed him from the group chat.

He then started having a go at me about it, for looking at his phone and asking if this is what it’s going to be like. He then said, ‘but you were alright, you were talking to me’ (aka trying to keep things normal for the children, I’ve hardly been laughing and joking with him, I’ve spoken as and when needed for the kids).

I just need to take some of the advice on here about financials etc and give myself some space. He wanted to come in the bed last night, so I wouldn’t be alone and he wanted to cuddle me!! Quite ridiculous.

The woman hasn’t read the message I sent her yesterday from my own account once I knew it was my husband it had been.

He then said, ‘but you were alright, you were talking to me’
Sounds like he has zero awareness of what he has done. If he isn't even aware, he can't care and he definitely can't fix.

Wow, he's really downplaying this and sweeping everything under the carpet.

Thank fuck you're wise to him and will end the marriage.

He's horrible and a total bullshitter.

@thelab have you restored his back up WhatsApp? And have you checked his social media messages aswell?

That one mate who hasn't joined in - could you speak to him directly?

I'm sorry my love, but he's already proving he's not going to do the work.

He said he’d do anything to make things right so I’ve asked him to ring the friend who made the joke and call him out on it. Laughing at a situation involving 2 children when he’s a dad himself is sickening. I would absolutely stand up for my family if the shoe was on the other foot.

He’s refusing, saying it won’t help anything, he doesn’t want the conflict, he’s a private person and he needs to get his own house in order before he looks at things outside home. It’s all an absolute joke. Probably more worried that the friend will tell me something else! This and the having a go at me for looking at his phone when it’s his friends laughing at the situation has made things very crystal clear for me in the midst of all this grief and fog.

I’ll be taking this week to ease back into work and then see how I move forward financially etc.

He's showing his true colours now @thelab

I'm really sorry you're having to endure this, from the man who you thought loved you.

Don't buckle.

He’s abusive @thelab . Men like this do not change. Shouting at you! How dare he? If he did love you he would have felt remorse due to how upset you must have looked when he got home. He is trying to salvage for himself. Is there someone in real life that you can talk to? I think it may help you. Sorry to read your updates are not more positive but this again is due to his behavior and not yours. He doesn’t want to be accountable.

Wow, just wow. He's having another go at you? For daring to speak up about what had happened and looking through his phone? He's unbelievable. I can't believe he's STILL not taking accountability and responsibility for his actions. He's on such thin ice, it's nuts. And to say that you were "alright" with him?! Does he expect you to unsettle the kids by giving him the silent treatment?

What a horrible toad. It’s clear when it comes to repairing this he can only commit to making a few vague statements but no real action or substance. That’s especially the case if he’s already complaining about how you’re reacting, when your world has literally just imploded, and acting like you need to get over it.
I’m sending you lots of love. I know it doesn’t feel like it now but one day you will see this weekend as a blessing in disguise.

Even now, after everything he’s more worried about his friends opinion of him than you. That says everything. I actually don’t think it’s worth calling his friends out. Let them laugh. They are idiots. But I would be making sure that all their wives and gfs knew that this type of thing was going on and they all thought it was funny. Are you friends with them?

I would honestly ask him to leave and stay with his dad or a friend. It doesn’t have to be forever but give yourself a few days. He’s not taking it seriously and you deserve some space after everything he’s put you through. Maybe then he will realise what he’s actually done. The least you deserved was some crying and begging even if it was crocodile tears!

@thelab

He’s refusing, saying it won’t help anything, he doesn’t want the conflict,

To an extent, I agree with him on this. What would the point be of him 'scolding' his friend? It may make you feel 'better' for the moment, but him doing so certainly isn't going to change anything in your marriage.

Focus on what you need to focus on, your decision to stay or leave. All else are distracting 'peripherals' that take your attention away from what really matters.

And I still stay to ask him to leave 'for a bit' so you can start to think things through in peace and solitude. Ask for a few days, a week, a month whatever feels right to you. Just the fact that he wanted to get into bed with you 'so you wouldn't be alone' shows that he's not going to leave you be whilst he's in the same house. He's going to try and 'wear you down' by making 'gestures of contrition' and calling your attention to himself around the house.

He has just chosen to behave like a twat again, he should be grovelling and doing whatever it takes to help you process what has happened. The absolute cheek of him wanting to cuddle you last night - I hope you told him to fuck off. His complete lack of care for you and the fact he can shout at you again, for his own behaviour- for me that would be it.

I couldn’t trust him again, and I would absolutely not want to be treated like he is treating you now.

He is a vile, nasty excuse of a man! Please ask him to leave.