Knowing marriage is over

[thelab]

Hello,

I’m married with 2 DC. Home in joint mortgage and I work FT. I’ve only recently changed jobs and took a bit of a pay cut; this was to study so I’ll eventually have much better earning middle of next year. I’m 31.

I’ve been feeling ‘stuck’ in marriage for a while now. DH just completely messy to the extremes and not wanting to take on the mental load of much, to keep it very brief!
We’d do nothing outside of parenting but if his friends popped up, he’d be so excited and making all the effort. If he couldn’t go, he’d mope about and speak of how he doesn’t want to let that part of his life go (socialising) and blame me for it. They can’t do anything together that doesn’t involve getting drunk.
Nights are spent with him falling asleep on the sofa snoring.

Anyway, DH got invited to a stag do which he’s currently on, he went yesterday and until Monday evening. He first told me about it in passing at a concert of my favourite band, knowing I’d be distracted, then slyly just booked himself onto it, without even a discussion about it. He then said he wasn’t going, as a previous stag do he went on, late last year, made him miss the children too much.

I repeatedly told him I wasn’t happy about the way he went about this, not ‘permission’, just the lack of courtesy to discuss it. I also told him I wasn’t happy as we haven’t even got a family holiday booked this year, yet he’s been to the stag last year, this one and is going on a weekend away for his dad’s birthday next month. He started changing from not going, to going, saying he felt emotionally manipulated by me telling him the children had been upset on the previous one. He assured me he’d make sure we had a family holiday booked before he went however.

Obviously, that didn’t happen and I have no idea how much he’s taken money wise. Before he left, he didn’t even send a message to say he was getting on the plane/that he loves us as he usually would and all I got when he arrived was literally ‘I’ve arrived’. He messaged about 11:30am their time today, again, very brief with ‘Yous alright?’ This is unlike even him.

He’s been online on WhatsApp a lot tonight yet not bothered to message. I don’t expect constant conversation flow but I think it just highlights where we are on the priorities. I’m feeling a mix of anxiety and anger and I’m just so fed up of what has become my life. This feels like the end in my head, like a tipping point almost.

Sorry, I just wanted to let it out somewhere 😞

Hi
I've been reading all of this tonight.
It occurs to me that DH is trying his best to get back on even ground with you.
Saying "you were OK,you were talking to him".
He is being very cagey about what he s telling you I case he digs himself a bigger hole .
He isn t worthy of you.You deserve so much more .
He is trying so hard to get your relationship back to his " normal".
He just wants you to talk to him.He needs to move on from this quickly.
He ll be having you back to cooking, cleaning, childminding tommorow if you re not carefull.
Beware please.
Keep your distance.
Stay strong and move on.
The relationship is over.
The girl and the kiss ( ?? more) are really not the big issue here.His complete lack of respect for you and his children are.He s even made a joke of it to his pals ( the haha).
He is the joke here.
I advise to stop engaging with him,stop the emphasis on the Benidorm trip.There are bigger issues here.If he can manipulate you into accepting his lies over the OW and the kiss, he's getting on solid ground to normalise everything thats wrong in the relationship.
Good luck

Oh, give it a rest. Not every man who enjoys a weekend away with friends is some ‘lazy, self-absorbed man-child.’ The level of drama in your response is honestly ridiculous. No wonder so many marriages break down when this is the attitude women are being fed—convincing themselves that every minor irritation is some grand betrayal.
xx

Hi OP,
I've read all your posts and I can't add anything other posters haven't said. I just came here to say you sound like a kind, funny and caring person and I wish you all the strength in the world for navigating the next chapter, whatever it is! 💐💕

I don’t think you will ever know the full truth of what happened. It is a shame as the trust is gone. I am pretty sure my hubbie cheated on me several years back before we were married and I think he slept with her too. I found out a few years ago and it sent me off the rails and I did it to him. Not the way to go I know and we are in a better place now. You can come back from this stuff but it is not easy at all, like you we have children too. It is a horrible thing to go through cheating :( Good she is blocked, how are you today OP?

@thelab I went through very similar situation with my first DH when I was pregnant with first DC. Absolutely horrendous. 17 years on I'm sat drinking coffee while absolutely wonderful and truly lovely 2nd DH takes the kids to school having just come back from a boys trip golfing in Portugal. I have zero worries about DH2. He calls me all the time, sends me pics of them etc and I love that feeling of no worries. I'd forgotten what it feels to be completely gaslighted and emotionally damaged by someone who you trusted and gave your life to.

Please move on and get through the next few months while will be tough but nothing compared to what you've been through. The future is all ahead of you and in 17 years time I hope you are surrounded by love and happiness with someone you deserve.

I cannot imagine how awful my life would have been if I had stayed with loser DH1. He would definitely have done it again. Impact on me and DC would have been catastrophic.

OP, I have been thinking about you this morning. I walked around like an absolute shell for years before I had the good sense to offload my DH, but it's really hard, I get that. I do look back now and wish I'd done it sooner than I did, it was just fear that held me back. Young kids adapt, and you sound smart and bright... there is sunshine at the end of the road, I promise, quite a lot of bumps along that road I won't lie to you, but you will find happiness again, even if it's the simple things like that description that you wrote yesterday of you being at home with everything in order, and calm when he was away. I hope you are okay today.

I've been following, i'm sorry but he isn't telling the truth. Also i get that you are angry at his friends but it's not his friends fault he has cheated. That's all on him. TBH the fact they're all so readily laughing about it would be making me think it's not the first time.

A group of taken blokes joking about any 'sorts' on the plane is vile. Of course we all look, but actually trying to engage in a conversation about it is minging.

If you can, ask him to leave for a few days. Get your thoughts together. People work through these kind of things so that option is there if that's what you want but i would 100% doing it on the basis that he did go home with that woman on Friday night and most probably Saturday too.

How are you doing today @thelab ?
Hope you've managed to get some space and get some support from work.
Sending a handhold.

Either someone didn't bother to read even just the OP's posts, or they are a friend of the OP's "D"H. In fact, just the OP's very first post indicates he is a lazy, self-absorbed man-child.

It isn't really much to do with the weekend away, that's just a last straw. It's the lying, the refusing to take any responsibility, the leaving it all up to the OP to do everything, the putting frequent nights out and holidays away with his mates before his own wife and children, its the making every excuse under the sun for not pulling his weight.

You're never going to know the truth here.

If he loves you, then he'll give you space - go and stay elsewhere. If he doesn't, then he won't. One way of finding out.

@thelab, I agree that you should send him elsewhere. He needs to experience a sharp consequence for his horrific behavior, and you need the time/space to process this trauma that he has inflicted.

You are in an unbalanced and abusive relationship. This man has been treating you with utter contempt for years via his self-serving entitlement, unreliability, sloppy laziness, disengagement from family life and responsibilities, prioritizing his social life, aggressive and manipulative behavior to get his way, controlling ‘I’m in prison’ taunts, etc. I am also concerned about alcohol abuse.

He is also a very poor father and role model, as shown by his verbal aggression and general unreliability, and by his (1) refusing to contribute to buying for DS (2) frightening DS by shouting and hitting the wall [DV] when you asked for his help while pregnant and impaired and (3) when he spent ages complaining and acting put out about taking DD to her dance activity. The children will be learning and normalizing inequitable, destructive relationships.

As for the issue at hand, he has cheated, lied and minimized, and you still don’t have the full story. He created distance from you, pursued an illicit liaison with this OW on the Friday and Saturday, and shared some degree of physical involvement. He treated you like shit on his shoe … and he still is. His infidelity, narrative-spinning, vicious name-calling, blame-shifting, and drip-feeding are reprehensible.

@thelab, get him gone so that you can research and think about your options in peace. Consult with a solicitor to learn where you stand, and consider IC for support and clarity.

In my view, you would be doing yourself and your children a great disservice by staying with this faithless, irresponsible and manipulative man.

I’ve been thinking of you today and hope you are doing ok. Work may be a beacon of support and escape from what it sounds like. I just hope he’s not getting to you,

Here is what you need to know. HE IS NOT SORRY

Because if he was decent and sorry, this would never have been his thing to do in the first place. And he will minimise the so called kissing. Sorry but he will definitely have done other things with that girl. Another thing is he would never have confessed. He only did because he knew he had not gotten away with what he did.

He will lie to you because that has worked before. He knows what he is doing, and knows it will HURT YOU.
If you keep him around, he will lie again because he will know that you will never leave him if you dont now. Yes it hurts now and if you dont let this slip it only will teach your daughters this is how women are treated by the men who claim to love them. Sorry.

How are you @thelab? Xx

I absolutely agree he has only told the OP the bare minimum he thinks he can get away with. The absolute vile rage indicates guilt at having done much more. His overreaction, guilt and getting on a plane home just over a kiss doesn’t make sense to me. I would definitely get an STD check OP to protect yourself.

I know how this goes because this is exactly what happened to me. Mine denied, denied, denied and swore on his only child’s life until I found proof. Then he only admitted to the absolute minimum, they were just flirting. He had a kiss one time he put an end to it before it went any further blah blah blah. He also deleted all messages but ‘theres nothing to worry about’. I knew in my heart he was lying and I did eventually find absolute proof that he was seeing her. Then came the full confession and the sorry’s, it was an accident, and he didn’t mean it to happen. The usual BS. He said he loved me and our son more than anything in the world and wanted to make it work. Within the year he was back at it again. However, by that time any love I ever had for him had gone, I lost all respect for him and simply never trusted him again. He was never going to admit it until I found the proof. He wasn’t sorry that it happened. He was sorry he got caught. I also noticed a pattern of him suddenly kicking off about things in our relationship that had never bothered him before. he would suddenly go cold start going out more, turning his phone off etc etc and suddenly the penny dropped that this was happening every time he had seen other women. After it was over and done and dusted people then started coming out of the woodwork to tell me about the other women and all the pieces of the jigsaw fell into place. it all matched up with those times he was horrible to me. He really followed what we now know to be The Script to the letter.

I’m sorry OP, it’s a horrible place to be. I remember feeling like my whole world came crashing down around me. my future hopes and dreams were gone and I knew my life was going to be completely different to what believed it would be.

I wish you luck OP with whatever decision you make whether you decide to believe him and try again or accept that it’s over and move on. No one can make that decision for you. You must do what you feel is right for you.

I think your " I think I'm done" is telling that you are probably not . I can't help but feel if you were you wouldn't be continuing to have this type of conversation with him and he would be out the door .
He is , in my opinion, a liar that just changing his story the deeper he lands himself in the mire and will worm his way back because he thinks you will weaken.
What you do is obviously up to you but you need to make that decision and stand by it . The man is never going to change.
Good luck for your future.

Just checked back to see how OP is but it’s gone very quiet. I hope this means she is busy with work/ planning how to get him to leave, though I worry it might mean she has forgiven him and can’t face the feedback from everyone here. Either way, I wish her all the best (and second the advice to at least get an STD test)

@thelab, I’ve been thinking of you and wondering how you’re doing.

Your H has an agenda and is very invested in duping you. You’d be ‘none the wiser’ had you not noticed and uttered OW’s name. He bricked it, went ballistic, and concocted a variety of ludicrous lies and distortions to make you back off. He will now be working overtime to put you back in your lane.

He has not come completely clean, so it will be impossible to authentically move forward with him. You’d be very foolish to believe his lies and manipulations. He is spinning that OW was the instigator when he was actually an active participant. He made choices — asking for her number or keeping it after she put it in his phone, leaving with her, kissing (and likely more), messaging all of Saturday, deleting, and, of course, abusing you to get away with it all. [His continuing to interact with her on Saturday speaks volumes. If he was truly horrified at his faithless behavior on Friday, he would have cut contact immediately.]

@thelab, be aware: His duplicitous, cruel and manipulative behavior pre/post infidelity is evidence that he is a poor bet for successful reconciliation. Adding this to his long-term selfish and aggressive behavior and appalling devaluation of marital and family responsibilities, it would be game over for me. I wouldn’t allow my children to live in such a damaging environment.

I suggest that you check out the survivinginfidelity website’s forums [particularly Just Found Out] and excellent resources. You can read the postings and, if you choose, ask advice from the wise and empathetic members who have walked in your shoes.

If you don’t return here, I wish you the best.

Cut your losses, OP, and don't give this awful man any more of your precious life.

Hey @thelab
just checking in to see you are ok. I think the pressure of being judged if you give him another chance is stopping you from coming back. It’s your life at the end of the day so I hope you do feel it’s a safe space. If not, please feel free to pm me if you would just like a listening ear. Take care x

I wanted to add to this . A lot of posts saying that her husband doesn’t love her etc .

I have been through this. I’m out the other side . We stayed together and years on were strong . I agree he wouldn’t have ever told her had he not been caught. My husband has told me this. He says that he wanted to tell me but he knew it was because he wanted the weight off his mind , that telling me would only help him and cause me pain and that is right. Sometimes I wish I had never found out.

People can make mistakes and learn from them. I completely believe men can cheat on the woman they love and still love her ( they have issues , they think of their own feelings first of course - because otherwise they would ignore their feelings of needing a bit of excitement and actually think of the pain they are going to cause instead!! ) but I do genuinely believe men can separate things easier than women .

OP if you choose to work through this - you are not weak. It is harder to stay and live with it. You are not weak if you leave either. There is no right or wrong - no one on this thread is in love with him so they will not feel the pain and it’s easy to judge when it’s not you that’s in the situation .

Just make sure that whatever decision you do make is for you and no one else x

And did your husband treat you like a maid, expecting you to pick up after him, do all the cleaning and cooking and mental load? Because OP's husband does.

He also did this -
"A couple of years ago when I was pregnant with our youngest, I was really struggling with painful walking and progress to being barely able to walk. He’d been due to go on an afternoon out drinking but I’d asked him to stay instead to help me look after our toddler at the time. He told me he would but then proceeded to stomp about the house like an angry teenager, sure he hit a wall or something if I remember rightly and was then bellowing angrily so much, he made our oldest cry. He then went out anyway, ignored me then saying, could we compromise and him come home earlier to help then, rolled in steamingly drunk."

Any 'cheating' that occurred is the least of the problems in this marriage.

How are you doing OP? @thelab

Hello everyone.

Thank you for checking in on me, I’ve thrown myself back into work which actually was a welcome distraction and it ended up being busier than I thought, which is why I haven’t been back.

I’ve been through lots of emotions this week - anger, sadness, it’s been a ride! He didn’t want to leave and tried to get back into bed. He’s acted very much like it’s okay and ‘normally’, rather than any major grovelling.

I do admit to some thoughts of entertaining but as the week went on, they were quashed by the fact he just didn’t seem that bothered at all. He’d say so, but then his actions weren’t about having any serious sit down chats or coming up with any solutions. He made a big show of wanting to write me a letter. Said letter was full of waffle about good times in the relationship, then children came and it was hard but he still loves me. Not one word about what he’d done, apologising or acknowledging why / the hurt it would cause / what he’d want to do to progress himself from this.

It got worse tonight with the cup final. When he came back, he said he knew he had a bad relationship with alcohol and he needed to accept he couldn’t drink. Tonight he drank 8 cans in the house to watch it, then has declared he wants to go to his dad’s house and celebrate a bit more. Apparently his drink statement only applies out of the house with friends. There’s a huge load of washing up that needs doing/tidying etc and I’ve pulled my back so I’m a bit immobile and struggling.

He’s insisting he’s fine and berating me for not being impressed and trying to ruin it for him. He showed more emotion at the win than he has over what he’s done. He’s also came out with how, all of my negativity, no freedom and encouragement of him beforehand, is likely to lead to resentment which can cause what’s happened. It’s like dejavu to last Saturday, when he was also drunk and saying the most awful things.

He’s a joke but has managed to diminish any feeling towards him apart from anger. I needed this week to try and process what had happened before thinking of the future but I think I need to start doing that and getting him away. It’s really quite cruel to be like he is.

Thank you as always for the wise advice you have given me.

It’s so hard when it’s your whole life and that of your children that is stood at a crossroads and the mind/emotions are such a strange thing. Your head says absolutely not, but then it gets twisted around your emotions and not knowing what to think.

I’m going to start looking up local solicitors and if he does go to his dad’s later, very tempted to just put the chain on the door as that would solve the issue of him refusing to go.