My partner refuses to adjust our 50/50 split, and I’m burning out—how do I move forward?

[Glo13]

I (28F) and my partner (27M) have a 5 month old baby and I feel completely exhausted. We both work 40 hours over 4 days on broken sleep (5 hours a night at best), then spend 3 days off in rotation caring for our baby. I recently quit my second job because I physically couldn’t do it anymore, but I haven’t told my partner yet because I know he won’t be understanding.

He insists we must do a 50/50 parenting split and finance split, no matter what I need to do to make that happen. When I try to explain that I’m burning out, he says he’s exhausted too and that we both need to “fulfill our duties as a team.” But he did the same thing when I was pregnant—he wouldn’t take on more of the financial load when I needed to work less, even though he made $700 more per week than I did. I was still expected to contribute equally. He also went on a trip and bought a new guitar while I was struggling to keep up.

To make things worse, we work at the same place, and people there seem to be taking his side. My boss even made a comment about how it’s not that hard to “pretend to be happy.” I feel like I have no escape from this pressure, both at work and at home.

When we argue, it goes nowhere. He blames everything on me and calls me a manipulator and gaslighter, even though he himself has narcissistic traits—he lacks empathy and seems more focused on “winning” arguments than actually solving problems. It feels like he projects his own behavior onto me to avoid taking responsibility. He would say the exact thing about me and we’d get nowhere.

I’ve been thinking about whether I should apply for Parenting Payment so I can be with my child more, but I already know I’ll be accused of just wanting to do nothing. That’s not what this is—I just don’t know how much longer I can keep going like this. Is it wrong to want that kind of support so I can be there for my child without completely burning myself out? My mother and friends think he is emotionally abusive and he has threatened to try for full custody if I can’t meet my financial obligations. If we were to seperate and try receive parenting payment, he would likely try to argue for exactly half custody so I wouldn’t be eligible and to continue working as much as I am. He’s also said he will expect half the rent until the lease is up if I leave.

What should I do? Please help! It’s all greatly appreciated🤍

The OP hasn’t taken it easy and isn’t. She is in the window where PPD is often a problem and at a time that can be vulnerable for any woman - especially when no man has done 50% of pregnancy, birth, postpartum recovery and hormonal changes.
Life is a varied thing and in most people’s lives there will be changes. If your partner is a burden if not providing 50% then you have to remove them everytime they are ill or want to retrain or need to provide care. My dh can’t work but he isn’t a burden. He is my friend, a good father, a fine chef and someone who has supported me at different times in our lives. To live without this would be a much greater burden. In a good partnership you both want the best for each other so it is easy to find solutions. Transactional relationships that prioritise financial contributions above all else don’t have a space for those who can’t contribute or who need a bit more support. Fine if that’s your thing but not something that would fit under most definitions of a living relationship.

@BelgianBeers Exactly. I dread to think how he’d treat the OP if she developed a chronic illness.

i’ve been married for 25 years and there’s been times when each of us has completely financially supported the other- due to illness, so that the other one could gain more qualifications, etc. We’re life partners, not a business partnership.

i know that her partner has been clear about his expectations, but it’s obvious that he doesn’t really care about the OP’s wellbeing. When my DH has been burnt out, I’ve always tried to pick up the slack and make life easier for him, and vice versa. This guy doesn’t do this- that isn’t love.

But OP isn't ill. It is different if someone is incapable of working due to illness.

@SouthLondonMum22 No, but she’s exhausted and would like to cut down her working hours by one day, and he’s saying that she can’t.

It sounds as if she has the type of job in which she could drop a shift and pick it up again later when the baby is sleeping better. Unless it’ll severely impact their finances, why won’t he let her do that? One of my friends, a nurse, recently dropped a shift and her DH was fine with it. She has older children, but her DH could see how tired she was and put her wellbeing first. That’s what you do when you love someone, don’t you?!

I don’t know anyone in a happy relationship who wouldn’t do this, tbh.

Because if he really is doing 50/50 then he is likely to be exhausted too. They have a small baby, of course they are going to be tired.

I don't know why that automatically means that OP should work less and he should work more.

@SouthLondonMum22 Yes, she’d have to do more of the childcare if she works less.

He sounds so inflexible that I can’t see their relationship lasting, can you? LTR’s require compromise and flexibility, plus plenty of love for your partner. All of these seem lacking in this relationship.

Where is the compromise here? It would just be OP doing what she wants.

The OP doesn’t say he had an opinion other than about the money. He hasn’t been pregnant recently or given birth. There are many reasons why the OP might be feeling physically less robust than usual. She feels unwell and is struggling so she needs support. I can be sure that a good partner isn’t treating himself while the mother of his new baby struggles to hit a fifty percent fiscal contribution. He is horrid. He is no partner.

@SouthLondonMum22 She’s exhausted and he enables her to drop a day. In return, she does more of the childcare, which gives him more downtime. That doesn’t sound unreasonable to me.

Anyway, it’s their decision, I’m just sharing how I and my friends have navigated our relationships over the years. As I say, love and concern for each other’s wellbeing is what gets couples through every situation.

It means that he gets one less day to spend with the baby. It's asking a lot for someone to give that up, especially when they are exhausted too and likely don't want to work an extra day. It also doesn't sound anything like a compromise.

You have no idea whether the is exhausted but the OP is. She has recently created a whole human and that wasn’t 50/40 either. The OP didn’t want it as a permanent arrangement. That is compromise. The husband keeps and uses all his own extra money - that is compromise as the OP was struggling. There is no compromise but it’s not from the OP. I find it hard to listen to people defending unkindness and control in relationships. I hope OP gets better support in real life.

@SouthLondonMum22 We’ll agree to disagree. Every couple does things differently when they become parents and I hope that the OP is able to find a solution that works for them both, as it doesn’t sound as if the current setup is working for her.

This. Why should he have less time with his baby because she’s tired, if he’s doing his 50%? People spend hours on here bemoaning men who do nothing then if one tries to then it’s “no, not like that.”

I do agree that the default should be 50/50 on work/childcare. However, I think the financial contribution should be proportionate to their respective salaries.

I don't think the DH should be forced to work more and give up time with his dc simply because the OP is tired, but if there are specific medical reasons for needing t o reduce hours, then that's different.

Obviously, giving birth is never 50/50 but women can't hold that over men indefinitely to argue that they should be able to do less on an ongoing basis. After 5 months, I would think most women are probably more or less back to normal from a physical perspective, but as I've said above, if there were complications that mean that isn't yet the case, then that's different.

Fwiw, I don't think the DH sounds very loving or empathetic, and the OP might be better off without him. However, I don't think he is wrong to want an even split of working/childcare and I don't think the OP has any automatic right to reduce her hours if he doesn't want to increase his.

The OP had a baby. Her body went through significant change and her hormones are still fluctuating. It will never be 50/50. The husband does not have to recover physically, his hormones are not impacted like his wife who has given birth.

Yes she is in Australia. She talks about Parenting Payment in the OP, which is an Australian service.

She’s probably back at work because her arsehole partner makes $3k more than her per month but makes her pay half of everything.

He sounds like a typical male who insists on "50-50" but discounts your contribution of gestating the baby and childbirth, which affect your health and wellbeing for the rest of your life. Expecting you to work as much as him when you were heavily pregnant, means you actually were contributing MORE than him, because he wasn't contributing ANYTHING to the gestation of the baby.

The misogyny is apparent in his valuation of gestation and childbirth as counting for zero. Funny how these guys always calculate everything to the nickel but somehow manage to come up with the idea that the WORK of gestation is worthless.

can you not get maternity leave?
leave him
reduce your hours and become the main caregiver asap.

@adviceneeded1990 There isn’t one perfect way of raising a child though, is there? If there is, please let us all know! 😂

Every family does things differently depending on their circumstances and if something isn’t working, surely they can make adjustments, can’t they?

For example, my DH and I soon realized that both of us having broken nights didn’t work for us, partly because I’m a light sleeper and was bf, so always woke up anyway. So I said that I’d do all the night feeds and I took the babies downstairs to feed as soon as they awoke, while he, a deep sleeper, slept through. It worked because we also adjusted work expectations (I went p-t so could nap more). Having a good night’s sleep every night was great for DH, he liked it!

No one size fits all and if the current setup isn’t working, what’s wrong with adjusting it? 🤷

@Summerlilly The OP can’t be in the US as there’s no payments for new parents here, surprise, surprise!

The only way I'd agree to that is if the lower salary is due to going part time etc due to childcare. In this case, both have dropped some hours.

I earn more than DH and bills etc are 50/50. It's something we both agree on though and I wouldn't have married someone who didn't agree to it.

I do agree with everything else. Especially women holding it over men that they get pregnant and give birth, like they only get pregnant because the man wants a baby when generally, they want a baby just as much and the fact that OP doesn't have an automatic right to reduce her hours.

She had a baby 5 months ago. The vast majority of women have physically recovered by then.

@SouthLondonMum22 I can see your logic, but as the current situation isn’t working for the OP, what do you suggest she does?

Ultimately, she’s looking for advice.

not really. She might look physically ok but some women never recover from labour. The mental recovery can also take months if not years.

But this woman posting now looking for advice on International Women’s Day of all days, has not recovered but her partner does not care about that. He believes that equal means the same. Which is just wrong.

A compromise.

Maybe if her partner agrees to this then in a few months or so they can swap over if that would be possible.

Or wait until the baby is 6 months and sleep train and see if that helps at all.

Maybe even both.