My partner refuses to adjust our 50/50 split, and I’m burning out—how do I move forward?

[Glo13]

I (28F) and my partner (27M) have a 5 month old baby and I feel completely exhausted. We both work 40 hours over 4 days on broken sleep (5 hours a night at best), then spend 3 days off in rotation caring for our baby. I recently quit my second job because I physically couldn’t do it anymore, but I haven’t told my partner yet because I know he won’t be understanding.

He insists we must do a 50/50 parenting split and finance split, no matter what I need to do to make that happen. When I try to explain that I’m burning out, he says he’s exhausted too and that we both need to “fulfill our duties as a team.” But he did the same thing when I was pregnant—he wouldn’t take on more of the financial load when I needed to work less, even though he made $700 more per week than I did. I was still expected to contribute equally. He also went on a trip and bought a new guitar while I was struggling to keep up.

To make things worse, we work at the same place, and people there seem to be taking his side. My boss even made a comment about how it’s not that hard to “pretend to be happy.” I feel like I have no escape from this pressure, both at work and at home.

When we argue, it goes nowhere. He blames everything on me and calls me a manipulator and gaslighter, even though he himself has narcissistic traits—he lacks empathy and seems more focused on “winning” arguments than actually solving problems. It feels like he projects his own behavior onto me to avoid taking responsibility. He would say the exact thing about me and we’d get nowhere.

I’ve been thinking about whether I should apply for Parenting Payment so I can be with my child more, but I already know I’ll be accused of just wanting to do nothing. That’s not what this is—I just don’t know how much longer I can keep going like this. Is it wrong to want that kind of support so I can be there for my child without completely burning myself out? My mother and friends think he is emotionally abusive and he has threatened to try for full custody if I can’t meet my financial obligations. If we were to seperate and try receive parenting payment, he would likely try to argue for exactly half custody so I wouldn’t be eligible and to continue working as much as I am. He’s also said he will expect half the rent until the lease is up if I leave.

What should I do? Please help! It’s all greatly appreciated🤍

It’s fine there are a lot of women who can’t identify arseholes.

It also isn't unusual when you have a 5 month old baby.

Usual/unusual is irrelevant.

That’s absolutely not what I’m saying. Children go through phases of preferring one parent over another for no apparent reason, but we are talking about a 5 month old biologically reliant on mum at this stage, not to mention a 5 month post partum mother who I very much doubt is able to just “switch off” from her babies cries even on dad’s shifts.

I couldn't even finish reading your post. Got to the word 'team'. Even at that point in your OP, it is blatantly obvious my are in a controlling relationship. I'm decades older than you. Been married twice. I can spot them a mile off and I know how hard it can be to have to admit this to yourself, and even harder to actually get out of the relationship.
I'm sorry but it won't end well.
The sooner you leave the better for your baby with regards to emotional health.
My DC were 2&1 when I escaped gaslighting narc #1.They can't even remember myself and exH being together. I had to co-parent and he made my life hell, but I bit my tongue in front of the DC and they have both turned into well educated, successful young adults.

What a cock. Get rid

@abracadabra1980 Sadly that’s also my take on this relationship, it doesn’t sound happy or healthy.

He is a good dad in this regard, in the beginning I did the vast majority but he does do exactly half of the care including night wakes and keeps the baby happy and entertained, and he adores the three days he has off with him and I understand why he isn’t willing to give that up, but he isn’t willing to aknowledge or do anything about my struggle, I’m at the point where I’d often drop things and become disoriented, I can feel my reaction time being slower when I drive etc. he doesn’t have these symptoms. Strangers have had to help me do simple tasks when my brain couldn’t catch up running errands. At work I can’t socialise and focus on the tasks because it takes so much energy. I don’t get a day to recover in the week and take all my mental energy to ensure I’m fully alert when taking care of the child. Ive said this to him and he didn’t seem concerned. I’ve been to the doctor about it and had bloods done, he’s simply said I’m 5 months pp and my body is still recovering and lack of sleep (I have insomnia on top of the night wakes and am up every day from 1-4am) I have medication for it, but it hasn’t worked yet.

that being said, he’s only said how much he adores this time since I’ve gone back to work, and he dropped a day so I could take an extra one. Before I started working about a month ago, he loved being away from him and said he doesn’t feel connected. Now that he gets an extra day to potentially get something for himself done, he said he feels like he has some of his life back. Theoretically I should be healthy enough to keep up the 50/50, but I’m simply not there yet and don’t know if I will be if I don’t get some continuous rest time.

Op, it still sounds like your partner is not acknowledging the huge thing you have done in growing and birthing a baby. You are still recovering physically and that is why you are so tired. He needs to do more until you are recovered, or pay for help for you.

This

I am guessing he is in a much more senior position in their mutual work place. Which is why colleagues and management are all supporting his attitude.
It must be horrible for OP.

So OP went back to work at 4 months post partum. He partner dropped a day of work so she could do an extra one. She so exhausted she is worried about driving.
This is a really awful situation.

Given your update, I'd suggest that you ask your GP for some blood tests to check your iron levels and thyroid. I was extremely tired even when my children were toddlers and my GP suggested that I had my thyroid checked. It turned out that pregnancy had had done a number on it and it was severely underactive. This isn't particularly uncommon and luckily medication is very effective. I felt better in two weeks.

It may not be either of these, but worth having checked for peace of mind.

Sorry I should clarify he earnt that much more when I was pregnant and working less, we are now earning roughly the same

Have you been pregnant, given birth or breasted? If not, how do you know how hard it is? And where is the ‘reasonable 50/50 split’ of pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding, not to mention menstruation and menopause?

Where did she say she wants him to work more days, so she can work less? She’s talking about HIS expectation that she contributes exactly the same financially, which required her to take on a second job within months of giving birth. While he earns $700 a month more! He doesn’t appear to see any inequality in using a woman as a free womb for his progeny.

And I said 12 months fully paid maternity leave, not ‘X years’. Countries that respect women don’t expect them to return to work 3 months postpartum or otherwise be at the mercy of misogynistic fathers like him.

@Glo13 you mention working 2 jobs. Can you clarify?

You're being incredibly vague so it's really hard to know how to advise. All we're reading is that he's tired and you're not. Is it really this simple or is there something you're holding back? For example , who does what around the house?

*you're tired and he's not.

Apologies.

Yes, all of the above, three times.

If you want to carry on this 50/50 weirdness, you need to look at childcare for your days so you can rest if unwell. Firstly look at free options family? I have a gym membership that has a crèche in the mornings where you can drop off baby for free for a few hours when you can sit in hot tub, coffee shop or even car and have a sleep if you have a mobile on. If not start looking at paid childcare doubt either one of you can sustain this for so long. Also make sure he is doing '50/50' not just in childcare but in household chores.
Definitely have no more children with this man either!

Oh yes, also get bloods checked I ended up with hypothyroidism after my child.

If you keep going as you are you will have some sort of crash. Either energy like a nervous breakdown or a car crash. Neither is good.

Can your DH not see this?
Maternity leave is supposed to be for the mother to recover from pregnancy and birth AND bond with the baby. Somehow men thinks it's JUST bonding and they want half. But they are wrong.

Everyone is different though. I had multiple blood transfusions after having my DD, nearly died, took a long time to recover, and was left partly disabled. Someone who had an easy birth would have a very different post birth experience to mine. Op may have so many things going on.

Of course... I don't disagree with that.

As I said: if she is unwell after five months, this should be discussed from a sickness angle. Because then the debate shouldn't even be about "what's fair [in normal circumstances]", but about "as a result of having your child, OP is now unwell, so some of the consequences should be for DP".

That would however be somewhat of a dripfeed as a woman being unwell after childbirth need not be the default assumption.

I wasn't claiming everyone has my childbirth experiences. Just replying to the question on whether I had any (yes, multiple).

Edith, she is saying "I’ve asked to work just one day less to recuperate but was told I’d still need to meet the 50/50 mark, and it wouldn’t be fair for him to take on an extra day and lose time with our son."

It seems like he thinks her career being lower-paying is her problem, not his. Again, I would not have married that type of person for lack of generosity. But I am not sure it is unfair.

And what is this nonsense about women apparently needing compensation by men for menstruation or menopause?

Here's an equally ridiculous one: as men live shorter, maybe women should do a bit more work during the years that the men have.

How much time do adoptive birth mothers get off in the UK for physical recuperation? In my country it's 12 weeks. That is how long the physical healing could be assumed to take.

Any country where adoptive birth mothers get five months barren any specific (not mentioned by the OP) health problems?

(Genuine question.)