My partner refuses to adjust our 50/50 split, and I’m burning out—how do I move forward?

[Glo13]

I (28F) and my partner (27M) have a 5 month old baby and I feel completely exhausted. We both work 40 hours over 4 days on broken sleep (5 hours a night at best), then spend 3 days off in rotation caring for our baby. I recently quit my second job because I physically couldn’t do it anymore, but I haven’t told my partner yet because I know he won’t be understanding.

He insists we must do a 50/50 parenting split and finance split, no matter what I need to do to make that happen. When I try to explain that I’m burning out, he says he’s exhausted too and that we both need to “fulfill our duties as a team.” But he did the same thing when I was pregnant—he wouldn’t take on more of the financial load when I needed to work less, even though he made $700 more per week than I did. I was still expected to contribute equally. He also went on a trip and bought a new guitar while I was struggling to keep up.

To make things worse, we work at the same place, and people there seem to be taking his side. My boss even made a comment about how it’s not that hard to “pretend to be happy.” I feel like I have no escape from this pressure, both at work and at home.

When we argue, it goes nowhere. He blames everything on me and calls me a manipulator and gaslighter, even though he himself has narcissistic traits—he lacks empathy and seems more focused on “winning” arguments than actually solving problems. It feels like he projects his own behavior onto me to avoid taking responsibility. He would say the exact thing about me and we’d get nowhere.

I’ve been thinking about whether I should apply for Parenting Payment so I can be with my child more, but I already know I’ll be accused of just wanting to do nothing. That’s not what this is—I just don’t know how much longer I can keep going like this. Is it wrong to want that kind of support so I can be there for my child without completely burning myself out? My mother and friends think he is emotionally abusive and he has threatened to try for full custody if I can’t meet my financial obligations. If we were to seperate and try receive parenting payment, he would likely try to argue for exactly half custody so I wouldn’t be eligible and to continue working as much as I am. He’s also said he will expect half the rent until the lease is up if I leave.

What should I do? Please help! It’s all greatly appreciated🤍

Where does OP say that she hasn't recovered from pregnancy or birth?

She says that she is tired. Normal when you have a 5 month old.

@SouthLondonMum22 Fair enough.

Having just reread the OP’s posts, I doubt that this relationship is going to survive anyway.

When we argue, it goes nowhere. He blames everything on me and calls me a manipulator and gaslighter, even though he himself has narcissistic traits—he lacks empathy and seems more focused on “winning” arguments than actually solving problems. It feels like he projects his own behavior onto me to avoid taking responsibility. He would say the exact thing about me and we’d get nowhere.

To be fair, I think you're correct.

@SouthLondonMum22 Agreement at last. 😂

😂

This is so rigid and strange. Sounds like housemates splitting bills rather than a partnership.

Of course there isn’t, but changes and adjustments have to be made in line with what both partners want surely? He doesn’t want less time with his baby.

Well, we already know how he behaved when she had to work less during the pregnancy. His partner struggling to keep up, her words, while he was having holidays and guitars instead of using any of that money to allow her to pay less than 50%. Which rather suggests that @BruFord is right.

OP is not physically recovered though has she? It's really the whole point of the thread.

I recently quit my second job because I physically couldn’t do it anymore

When I try to explain that I’m burning out...

I just don’t know how much longer I can keep going like this. Is it wrong to want that kind of support so I can be there for my child without completely burning myself out?*

That depends on why she was working less.

Like I said, I do agree that the relationship is unlikely to work out.

Is it? She sounds tired which isn't the same as not being physically recovered.

We will have to agree to differ on the question of proportionate contributions based on salary. I earn several multiples of what my DH earns, and I think it would be perverse to insist on 50/50 financial contributions in our situation. Quite apart from the fact that 50/50 would be unfair on my DH (imo), I wouldn't want to lower my standard of living to the extent that I would need to to make that possible in any case.

I think the OP knows her body better than you do. She didn't say she was 'tired' did she? Why are you finding it so difficult to take the OPs posts at face value? You seem determined to minimise the issues she's facing.

She says she had to work less and was struggling. Regardless of whether that was because of a pregnancy complication or the mere fact of being pregnant meant she couldn't do the same job, it still says it all. If he's not going to pay more when she's taking on 100% of the couple's reproductive labour, that does not bode well for his contribution if she needs to stop/reduce work again at a time when she's not even subsidising his share of the gestation.

I think we all agree that the relationship is unlikely to work out!

I think it would be unfair if DH had a lower salary because he went part time for childcare etc but he just doesn't fancy progressing which is absolutely fine but we both agree that he shouldn't then expect me to contribute more when I have worked hard to progress and earn it and he's capable of doing the same if he wants more money.

We do also have separate finances.

To be fair, I don't think she made it clear that she has post pregnancy complications either?

We don't know what she means by being "burnt out". Some people might use that to mean that they're exhausted. Some might use it to mean that they're on the verge of a physical and/or mental breakdown. It doesn't particularly suggest to me that it is about not having recovered yet from the birth.

It is worth noting here that the H appears to have a job that pays much more than the OP's job. That could mean that he is carrying many more demands than she is at work, so he too may feel that he can't do any more.

I think it all depends on the circumstances and the reasons for one partner not having progressed. If it is down to lack of effort or motivation, then I agree with you. In my DH's case, I don't think that's the issue...he is incredibly driven. However, I had a much easier start in life than he did, and there are reasons why I have been able to succeed in ways that he hasn't, but none of that is his fault.

Where did OP say that she's struggling physically after giving birth? She said that she's burned out which usually means exhausted, not struggling physically.

You and a few other posters are just determined to pick apart OPs words and minimise a first time mums struggles. We don't need to know the exact details. OP is struggling, for whatever reason(s), with no support from her partner. That's it really in a nutshell.

I think that's fair. I'd likely feel the same in that instance too.

DH just doesn't want to. That's absolutely fine, he's content at the level he's at and doesn't want more responsibility.

Bloody hell. That explains the coldness of your posts. You've never struggled a day in your life have you?

I have no idea what you're talking about?

I don't know what you've taken from my post but there was nothing particularly exceptional about my upbringing. I have probably struggled as much as the next person tbh.

My DH's upbringing, on the other hand, was more difficult than most people in this country could even imagine. I'm not sure why acknowledging that makes me cold?

As I said, childcare is only one facet of being a decent husband.

But it seems like you have very low standards.

I don't have low standards at all. I also wasn't just talking about childcare.

Exhausted is struggling.