My partner refuses to adjust our 50/50 split, and I’m burning out—how do I move forward?

[Glo13]

I (28F) and my partner (27M) have a 5 month old baby and I feel completely exhausted. We both work 40 hours over 4 days on broken sleep (5 hours a night at best), then spend 3 days off in rotation caring for our baby. I recently quit my second job because I physically couldn’t do it anymore, but I haven’t told my partner yet because I know he won’t be understanding.

He insists we must do a 50/50 parenting split and finance split, no matter what I need to do to make that happen. When I try to explain that I’m burning out, he says he’s exhausted too and that we both need to “fulfill our duties as a team.” But he did the same thing when I was pregnant—he wouldn’t take on more of the financial load when I needed to work less, even though he made $700 more per week than I did. I was still expected to contribute equally. He also went on a trip and bought a new guitar while I was struggling to keep up.

To make things worse, we work at the same place, and people there seem to be taking his side. My boss even made a comment about how it’s not that hard to “pretend to be happy.” I feel like I have no escape from this pressure, both at work and at home.

When we argue, it goes nowhere. He blames everything on me and calls me a manipulator and gaslighter, even though he himself has narcissistic traits—he lacks empathy and seems more focused on “winning” arguments than actually solving problems. It feels like he projects his own behavior onto me to avoid taking responsibility. He would say the exact thing about me and we’d get nowhere.

I’ve been thinking about whether I should apply for Parenting Payment so I can be with my child more, but I already know I’ll be accused of just wanting to do nothing. That’s not what this is—I just don’t know how much longer I can keep going like this. Is it wrong to want that kind of support so I can be there for my child without completely burning myself out? My mother and friends think he is emotionally abusive and he has threatened to try for full custody if I can’t meet my financial obligations. If we were to seperate and try receive parenting payment, he would likely try to argue for exactly half custody so I wouldn’t be eligible and to continue working as much as I am. He’s also said he will expect half the rent until the lease is up if I leave.

What should I do? Please help! It’s all greatly appreciated🤍

OP has also since come back and said that it was during pregnancy when he earned more, now that she's working more hours they actually earn the same amount.

You chose to have children with him, did you think he was going to change his ways afterwards?

Why do people do this, and then when you call it out for being insensitive, you get jumped on. This is what you chose for yourself.

Because you don't choose it. Your position is judgemental and lacks empathy.

If you ever have the misfortune to learn first hand what an abusive, controlling and coercive relationship is, then you will learn you don't choose it. The mask slowly slips. These types of men choose their partners carefully.

You should get 'jumped on'. This sort of attitude is vile.

It is very clear from her follow-up posts that the problem is that she is, for some reason, unwell.

Her partner is a dick.

On the principle that men should be allowed to expect their wives to earn 50% of the money if the men do 50% of the childcare, I remain convinced of my case. I think all this talk by many people on this thread suggesting women need untold compensations by their partners for motherhood, I think people are being so precious as to be ridiculous and it's no wonder their partners pay no heed. I wouldn't pay heed to being blamed either!

Her problem isn't that she is in an unfair situation and that she should be allowed to dictate he work more so she can be with baby more. (Wouldn't most of us want to have someone else pay us more to be with our babies?)

Her problem is that she is having a weaker moment, for whatever reason, and her partner seems to think that is not his problem.

I've been in controlling relationships, they're fucking awful and I'm lucky to have escaped but it's getting ridiculous now. People PLANNING children with arseholes and then crying about it when it goes wrong. Of course it goes wrong, having a child doesn't fix anything.

The problem with that theory is all the threads here warning women about the partner they are picking... Clearly the warning signs ARE there, in the overwhelming majority of cases.

The problem with that theory is also that some women habitually chose terrible partners, and some don't. So, again, you're not being a Kinder surprise where you don't know what's going to be in the egg.

To be clear, not saying it's the victim's fault that they are abused. But the choice is clearly applied unevenly and often predictably badly.

THANK YOU.

I agree with you there. Men don't force women to get pregnant, women almost always want to get pregnant and have a baby just as much.

Holding it over a mans head just because he physically can't get pregnant or give birth is wrong. My husband doesn't owe me anything, WE made the decision to have children and obviously that means the woman getting pregnant and giving birth.

Again some men DO force women to get pregnant. They manipulate and coerce and convince...and of course, many many women want a family too and will think he's not so bad. He will bury the red flags in bouts of niceness yo keep you inside.

Some men may have red flags and the reason women post is because they need validation... because they know it's off but these men are working their heads... By the time a controlling man has finished with you, after years of insidious drip drip dripping...you don't know whether down is up. They twist things so you doubt yourself.

Often these kinds of men get much worse during pregnancy and after baby arrives.

I'm sorry but I hold not truck with these sort of smug posts about "I'm not victim blaming BUT..."

Yes, there are reasons why we pick our partners..all of us. But I do think this kind of abuse happens to all kinds of women. You don't know unless you lived it. I did.

I was talking more generally as a response to some pp comments practically claiming that men owe women for getting pregnant and giving birth. The vast majority of the time, it IS a joint decision and not something that should be held over men for years down the line.

@SouthLondonMum22i didn't read those posts the way you did. There's a difference between equity and equality. But this is going off track.

I think men owe the mother of their children...they owe them respect and care and kindness. Childbirth is not nothing. But care and kindness are sadly lacking all too often.

Don't know why a poster chose to laugh at my post. Kind of proves my point about lacking empathy. I don't recognise Mumsnet these days. I'm not surprised posters leave their threads so often. We should be supporting each other especially when a poster is having a horrible time like @Glo13

We don't have to agree but we don't have to get unpleasant.

How do any of us know that @Glo13 knew her man to be so unkind? Abuse often starts in pregnancy and gets worse.

Her problem is that she is having a weaker moment, for whatever reason, and her partner seems to think that is not his problem.

I agree @WonderingAboutThus and it’s worrying, because that’s not how a loving partner behaves.

12 months. For both adoptive and biological mothers

Not sure if I used the wrong words in English, that sounds inctedible.

I get that mothers who birth + keep their kids get twelve months.
I get that adoptive mothers that adopt a child into their family get twelve months.
But the birth mother who gives up the child for adoption, does she also get twelve??

I am trying to figure out: if you give birth but have no baby at the end (so the physical recuperation but no bonding to do), how much time off is there? How much time does the UK consider necessary for physical recovery of a standard birth?

If you give birth to a stillborn baby it is also 12 months.

Not sure what you are struggling with. I thought my post was very clear.

Honestly, I guess your post was very clear I guess I just couldn't really believe that if you give your child up for adoption, you still have a year maternity leave for a child that's no longer in your family! I thought it more likely that I had made an English mistake than that that can be the case.

That's so much better than in some other countries that are my point of reference.

And thank god that it is the case if you have a stillbirth.

This isn’t true though is it? They will hold your job for you for 12 months but the vast majority of this is statutory pay then unpaid. Most women can’t afford 12 months. The majority of my friends and family went back at the 6-8 month mark, save one with a very high earning DH.

The updates make it even clearer what a twat he is OP.

You've had medical confirmation that you've not recovered from the birth yet, suffer from insomnia on top and he's still insisting on his freeloading version of 50/50 that conveniently omits everything where you do more than half from the equation.

I agree that men should be respectful, caring and kind. I also agree that childbirth is not nothing, what I disagree with is holding the fact that men can't get pregnant or give birth over their heads which is how I did read it but I accept that we have read those comments differently.

This thread isn’t about your and your views. It’s about OP and her situation.

Many people have shared their views. Are you going to tell them it isn't about their views too? Or just the ones who don't align with your views?

I think I’d just go to bed and stay there for a fortnight.

Other people aren’t trying to take over the thread and making it about them.

But as you ask - it’s not about anyone’s views it’s about supporting the OP.

Responding to comments aimed towards me isn't trying to take over the thread and make it about me.

You've shared your views and responded to several comments. Are you trying to take over the thread and make it about you too?

Same.